Dating after 40

As a kid, were you ever disappointed when Santa didn’t deliver a coveted gift? I was. I would pout and sometimes even cry from disappointment, not being interested in the socks and clothing gifts that were utilitarian but not something I’d yearned for. I know I should have been grateful to have anything, but a kid’s mind doesn’t always work that way. Especially when my siblings seemed to get their highly desired gifts. They were pleased with Santa’s largesse.

Fast forward to adulthood. When we find a sweetheart at the holidays, we may attribute the treasure to Santa, or more likely, to a higher power. But what if you don’t get the gift of a sweetie yet your single friends do?

It’s hard to not feel left out and disappointed.

As much as I love John Legend, his “Tonight” lyric is indicative of men who over promise and under deliver. If a man brags about his prowess in kissing or sex, you can bet you will be disappointed.

My married BFF has patiently listened to my dating ups and downs for many years. At her suggestion, we decided to attend a well-known church’s fundraiser comprised of an evening of foot-stomping, hip-wiggling music and finger food. She said, “Our kind of men will be there.” Since she is married, I assumed she meant successful, music-loving, charity-supporting men — not married ones!

I’m channeling Britney, with an “oops, I did it again” experience this week.

There are many reasons we are attracted to someone or not. Often, it takes a while to experience their behaviors before we decide if we like who they are or not. And it’s fascinating to see how some overlook actions that would be deal breakers to others.

Unfamiliar with the term? Think of being in a primary relationship, but with the ability to have sex with others. Openly. With your sweetheart’s knowledge and permission.

One of my acquaintances has this kind of relationship. She and her husband have permission from the other to “see” others. They refer to their relationship as polyamorous. In fact, one of her husband’s girlfriends moved into their home for a while!

A pal who ended a decade-long relationship a year ago has fallen for a woman he met a few weeks ago. It’s the first person he’s dated after his relationship ended.

I’m fighting the urge to run screaming into traffic yelling, “It’s not fair!”

Dinner was high atop the Istanbul Intercontinental Hotel in the City Lights Restaurant. We met at 8:15 so the sun had set and the lights on the Anatolian (Asian) side of the city were tinkling. The ships scurried below us and the Bosporus Bridge lights were putting on their show by changing color every few minutes.

It was very romantic.

I thought that would get your attention!

Europeans seem to have much different feelings about body image than Americans do. (I realize I’m generalizing here.) People of all ages, shapes and sizes seem more carefree at the beach and other places where one lets it all hang out. I’m wondering how that affects their dating, especially in midlife.

Let me explain how I’ve come to this inquiry.

With apologies to Shakespeare, I was reminded of his line in Hamlet when a potential suitor recently showered me — or more like drowned me — in texts.

Brain scans show that the same regions of the brain are activated after taking cocaine as when subjects were shown pictures of someone they said they were in love with.

When I’ve been in love, I’ve relished the feeling: the excitement when hearing his voice, getting his text or email, even just looking at his picture. Such euphoria.

And it extends beyond direct triggers of him. Food tastes better, colors more vivid, music better, touch more sensual. A huge grin seems plastered on one’s face. Life just seems better. Much better.

But the part we don’t realize in our narcotic-like haze is that our judgement is clouded. We don’t see obvious signs that others around us see clearly. We overlook glaring clues that this relationship will cause us heartbreak sooner or later — or could even be dangerous.