Dating after 40

A good-looking, successful, kind, generous, attentive, single man is wooing my single friend. He tells her how much he adores her and wants to be with her. He tells her it’s OK to take her time; he doesn’t want to pressure her.

And yet she’s uncomfortable.

Why?

In the last few months I’ve heard two stories of midlife women learning the man they were dating had an addiction.

It seems that when I gather with one or more single gal pals, the subject soon turns to dating. Today’s gathering was no different.

This conversation centered around a pal who’d recently lost 100 pounds and felt she was ready to re-enter the dating scene. She had new-found confidence and was anxious to find love.

A bit too anxious.

Generally, I believe tolerance is good. You are open to new ideas and perspectives. You’re not rigid and adamant that your way is the only way. (Note: As I get older, I find I’m more and more intolerant of intolerance!)

Since I’m generally pro-tolerance, why would I suggest that too much tolerance in dating can be detrimental?

The men were well dressed, intelligent, good looking, successful, good communicators. They smiled and laughed easily and were outgoing.

I moved among them, chatting and flirting. They were engaging and interesting.

Yet I felt I was starving at this feast of men.

Why?

This is the motto for some married travelers. They see solo journeys as an opportunity to cheat.

Of course, cheaters don’t need to be away from home to be opportunistic. One can cheat with one’s next door neighbor if one wants. A new friend shared that her now ex-fiancé had another fiancée 5 miles from her house — concurrent with her engagement.

During my recent two-week Turkey sojourn I was aware of the many chances to explore a fling if I desired. Waiters and shop keepers seemed particularly willing. They have a steady supply of potential romp-mates. My 53-year-old travel partner accepted a maître d’s offer for a make out session. He would have liked more. We have no idea if he’s married.

A gal pal mentioned that no one flirts with her. Or if someone does, she doesn’t know it. We are in Turkey and she is learning to get her flirt on.

It seems that part of a Turkish boy’s initiation into manhood is a lesson on flirting. Or maybe this is just among merchant and restaurant classes.

I logged onto a favorite dating site and eagerly opened the daily matches that are based upon mutual criteria. Only rarely is there someone who seems a match, but I look nonetheless.

On this site, one has no control over which profiles are served — the match’s whole profile just shows up in one’s daily matches. There is no preview with location, age and pics as with other sites. Because you are taken to their profile immediately upon hitting “take me to my next match” it shows up in the matchee’s system as a “view.”

When they recorded “Somebody to Love” Jefferson Airplane made famous the sentiment that we all want someone to love:

Don’t you want somebody to love
Don’t you need somebody to love
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love.

For many, loving someone is as important, if not more so, than having someone love them. One assumes that love is reciprocal, but of course, it’s not always.

One of the most common items I see listed under men’s “What I’m looking for” area in online profiles is “drama free.”

It makes me scratch my head wondering why it’s so common.

I know this question requires you to imagine you had the Men in Black memory eraser applied to you. Then you could forget all his lying, cheating, hurtfulness, selfishness, and/or slovenliness.

So imagine that you just met your now-ex — at a party, work, school, gym, with friends, in the hot tub — whatever would be plausible now at your current ages and location. You see him. Would you be drawn to talk to him?