Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Does your guy have friends?

    A guy’s friends — or lack thereof — tells you a lot about him.

    After you’ve dated a guy a time or two, mentions of his friends often waft into the conversation. When you hear him talk about both male and female friends, it is a good sign — at least it can be, depending on what you notice when you actually meet them.

    DNABut if he has no friends, it can be a yellow — or even red — flag. If his only friends are his kids, siblings or parents, that says there may be some relationship-stunting going on. He hasn’t learned how to build bonds beyond those with shared DNA. Let’s examine why he might not have non-family friends:

    • He’s extremely shy. If that’s okay with you, no problem. Know that if you take him to parties or out with your friends he’ll be quiet. You may find him reading a book in the corner while you’re meeting interesting new people. Or he may just decline your invitation to accompany you, so you will be alone at social events.
    • He is a loner. He likes solo activities, hiking, biking, swimming, small-craft sailing, so hasn’t had a need to find others to hang with. Maybe he works alone, so doesn’t have much opportunity to meet others.
    • He has an extremely busy life, with kids, long work hours, and taking care of aging parents. Although even with hectic schedules, people often strike up friendships with co-workers, other kids’ parents, or those from common circles (church, gym, neighbors).
    • He has a low “affiliation need.” He doesn’t need others for him to function well, so he doesn’t seek people. He’s an introvert.
    • He’s socially inept or doesn’t mix well with people. He makes inappropriate, mean, base comments, or tells off-color jokes to those who don’t want to hear them. He teases people ruthlessly about areas which they are sensitive (balding, weight, age). He’s immature. People don’t like being around him. He could be attentive to you one-on-one, but brash around others.

    If a guy has only a few good friends, I make a mental note of it, but it’s not a deal breaker, as some people only need a few good friends. However, if he only has one friend with whom he works and hasn’t kept relationships beyond current workmates, that’s a yellow flag. It says something to me about his ability to keep a relationship going without the convenience of seeing each other every day. And if he is always the one initiating contact, that says there isn’t much of a deep friendship. Or he chooses friends who are self-absorbed.

    What if he has friends?

    Maybe his friends are pleasant, thoughtful, mature, responsible and inclusive of you. This is a great sign as it shows he knows how to pick people who reflect values you, too, admire.

    friends coffee cupHowever, if when you meet his friends they seem to be stuck in reliving their college days — including college-level behaviors — that also tells you a lot. Can they discuss more than the latest ball game, or tell you great things about your date? Or are they all slinging insults so fast they don’t know how to sincerely share their respect for your guy? (Yes, some men show their fondness of each other through insults, but wouldn’t you like to occasionally hear, “Fred is a great guy” instead of always, “Why are you hanging around with this pudgy, balding loser?”)

    And how do they treat you? Are they welcoming and glad your guy has found someone wonderful like you? Or do they treat you like the booty du jour? Do they ask about you and your life, or are you just his momentary arm candy?

    If your relationship deepens, his friends’ feelings toward you and yours toward them can make or break your connection. If they don’t like you, they will bad mouth you to him. If you don’t like them, it causes strain whenever he wants to be with them. So if they aren’t thugs, misogynists or total losers, keep your opinion to yourself.

    What have you notice about your dates’ friends and how did it impact your relationship?

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  • Does he share your POV?

    movie cameraPOV — That’s film-industry shorthand for “point of view shot.” When the camera shows what a character sees, that’s their POV. We see the scene through their eyes.

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could occasionally see our date’s POV? To access his perspective, how he sees things? And wouldn’t you like to share your view finder so he sees your perspective? It certainly would make relationships — especially the beginnings of one — much easier.

    I think we typically assume the other person shares our POV — that they see and interpret events similarly to us. But the truth is, two people rarely share the same perspective about any given conversation or event. In fact, our perceptions are so unreliable “that studies have shown that individual, separate witness testimony is often flawed and parts of it can be meaningless. This can occur because of a person’s faulty observation and recollection, [or] because of a person’s bias….”* It’s common for two eye witnesses to have very different stories with only a small overlap.

    So while you and your date shared the same experience, you may have very different — perhaps 180-degree disparate — impressions of what happened.

    My ex and I would frequently have different memories of an event or conversation, but he would usually chalk it up to his having a bad memory. However, in our divorce mediation when he said, “We’re living like roommates” I was shocked. My perspective was we were living in a loving, supportive, sexual relationship, not without hiccups, but nothing I thought was insurmountable. This was the first time I realized we had divergent experiences of our marriage and relationship. (See “You live a rich fantasy life.”)

    In a quarrel with a guy with whom I’d had a 3-month relationship, I again had the revelation that two people can have extreme views of the same situation. One of his numerous accusations was that we only partook in activities that I wanted to do. Feeling I ensure both parties have equal say in determining activities, I asked for an example. “We only see movies you want to see.” It’s true that I don’t like to review movies I’ve seen recently, and I’d watched many more than he had, but I felt we always decided on the selection jointly. I wouldn’t ask him to participate in something he didn’t want to do, and I expected the same from him. I was stunned that he felt I was so inflexible and selfish. During his litany of other examples of my many character flaws it was clear we had 180-degree points of view on many experiences.

    I had to ask myself if I could continue in a relationship knowing that we shared so little perspective on events and motivations. His interpretation of my behaviors often — I now learned — was that I was selfish, insensitive, condescending and overbearing. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to continue a relationship with anyone they perceived this way, but he said he did. I, however, didn’t want to continue with someone I felt would always be interpreting whatever I did in the worst possible light — the opposite of what I intended or thought.

    Luckily this extreme difference of POV came out after only 3 months. We’d only had one tiff prior to this row, so I had no idea his perspective was so different than mine. He had always acted as if all was hunky-dory, so I had no clue anything was amiss. He was communicative so we talked about feelings and needs, but I had no idea our differently interpreting events was so rampant.

    Seeing each character’s POV tells you much more of the story than only seeing one. You can expect that you will sometimes have different perspectives. But when you find an extreme divergent POV is commonplace with the guy you’re dating, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue costarring in this movie with him. While it might make it big at the box office, you don’t want to live in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.”

    * Wikipedia’s description of “eye witness.”

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  • Fun midlife date ideas

    In today’s San José Mercury News, I was quoted in an article on “Summer’s Worth of Dates: 13 Places to go for Romantic Rendezvous.” The reporter, Mark de la Vina, has interviewed me for other articles, so we began by exploring why so many people’s primary idea for a date seems to be dinner and a movie. In “Midlife men have forgotten how to date” I share my perspective on why people don’t seem to be creative about their date activity choices.

    Although Mark used many of my ideas in his article, there were many more I discussed. We focused on ones where you could get to know your date better in the early stages of dating, and that weren’t passive (theater, movie) or so loud (concert, club) you couldn’t talk to your date. Plays, concerts, movies and clubs are great dates, but we wanted to list ideas that would let you play together and get to know each other. So activities that were basically solo but could be done together (biking, single-person kayaking, scootering) were not on the list because it would be hard to talk. However, after dating a little while, these would be fun dates.

    So I thought I’d share my list with you, dear readers. Let’s add your ideas! Write your creative midlife date ideas in a comment so others can be inspired by your innovation.

    • amusemnet parkTake a docent-led tour of a museum, around nearby town or wildflower walk, or ranger-led hike.
    • Enroll in a country, swing, jazz, square dance or world dance lesson.
    • Tour wineries or wine taste at a wine shop.
    • Take in an outside art fair.
    • Twist and turn on the rides at an amusement park.
    • Sip a sunset drink at a view bar or restaurant.
    • Stroll through art galleries.
    • Visit an aquarium or zoo.
    • Attend an interesting lecture on something of interest to you both (look in the Entertainment section of your newspaper), then discuss it afterwards.
    • Make something at a craft store (some have classes, some have clay objects you paint and they fire for you).
    • Attend a book signing.
    • Shop at a farmers market then fix dinner together.
    • Picnic on a beach, lake shore, park or forest.
    • Kayaking, sailing, boating or even paddle boating together. Tandem biking in a park or along the shore.
    • Help sort food at a food bank, join a clean up-a-park effort, or other coordinated volunteer activities.

    You can combine getting to know your date better with educational or community service activities, as well as with pure entertainment. You will get to know your date a lot more quickly if you have to make more decisions together than just “What movie and restaurant shall go to?” Listening to his comments while on a tour or his questions to a lecturer, or watching his reaction to your screwing up a dance step tells you more than you’d learn in a darkened movie theater. And you’ll also have a lot more laughs and more interesting conversation.

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  • Ignore dating rule #1 at your peril

    Rule #1Rule #1 actually applies to life, not just dating. It earned its exalted status as #1 during a family reunion.

    It was day two of the three-day reunion. Already those with “strong” (e.g., obnoxious) personalities were starting to get to some of us. A handful of us met for breakfast just to have some non-irritating conversation.

    It began with venting about what the “challenging” ones had said or done that got on our nerves. “How could he say that?” one asked. “If he would just learn to keep his mouth shut,” responded another. After hearing the frustration others’ behavior caused all of us, I had an epiphany.

    “For our own sanity, we have to remember one thing: The only person you can change is yourself.”

    They didn’t quite drop to their knees in reverence of this wise sage before them, but they did stop to consider the concept. We dubbed it “Rule #1” and agreed when another was frustrated with one of the vexing ones, we’d gently whisper “Remember Rule #1” in the ear of the stressed one.

    It worked to not allow some thoughtless and unkind comments to escalate, as the recipient just breathed and focused on what she could do to shift her irritation.

    What does this have to do with dating?

    Many fights start after someone has gotten on your last nerve. Their irksome behaviors fester until you can stand it no longer. If this is a guy you’re dating, it can be ugly and turn lethal for the relationship. Voicing your irritation — while you are irritated — can devolve into words that sever trust. Dating involves your becoming increasingly vulnerable, and if trust is broken, it is very difficult to repair.

    The ideal is to reframe the behavior. (See “Turn your liabilities into assets” and “Being ‘in wonder’ about your date’s behavior.”) For example, a friend complained that her boyfriend sometimes tells her what to do. She could continue to get irritated at this behavior. Even after talking to him about it, he changed only slightly. So she has a choice: She can continue to get irritated and snap at him, or stop seeing him. Or she can think what positive reasons he might have for behaving that way.

    For example, he wants his girlfriend to be successful at whatever she does. However, she’s not a detail person so he’s noticed she sometimes forgets the little things and then has to go back and fix them. He is more detail-oriented and sees the missing pieces. When he points out the missing details, he is trying to be helpful. He means well. In a twisted way, this is one way he shows his love for her. He’s not implying she is stupid.

    Now if he really thinks she’s stupid, that’s another matter (and posting!). But if we are able to see the love under a behavior, it makes it easier to not get irritated.

    Granted, not all irritating behaviors are based on love. Some are a result of low social skills, low self-esteem, or psychological problems. The person is so wrapped up in his/her own world, s/he has no clue that what they said is hurtful or bothersome. And while I believe that as adults no one can verbally hurt you without your permission, there are times that concept is put to the test. When someone you care about and trust says mean things to you, it is hard to not get hurt.

    Next time your date does something annoying, it is okay to talk to him about it — only when you’re not still annoyed. (See “When do you tell your date about irritants?“)

    But practice seeing if it might actually be a way he’s showing his connection or caring for you. If he continues to tell you lame jokes, realize his wanting to entertain you is his way of showing his affection. His expression of caring will take many forms, some of which aren’t to your liking. If he’s mature and sane, he’ll want to focus on the actions that get the result he wants — your returned affection. But know that some behaviors that are irritating to you, may have been encouraged by past dates/girlfriends/wives.

    Make it a game you play with yourself to see if you can find something positive in the negative.

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  • Host a singles mingle

    singles partyA pal is having a divorce party soon when his paperwork is final. His divorce was amicable, so he would be celebrating his new-found singledom. I suggested it might be fun to turn it into a singles mingle event.

    He said, “That would be boring, as I’d have a house full of guys.”

    Me: “You don’t know any single women?”

    He: “Not many. I’ve been married for a while!”

    Me: “Tell your friends to bring single women.”

    He: “Like they know any. That’s why we hang out together! None of them can get dates!”

    Me: “I heard an idea where your ticket into the party is to bring a single person of the opposite sex who you think is great, but isn’t a match for you.” (I heard about this idea a long time ago, but then it was featured in a Sex and the City episode.)

    He: “So you bring someone you dated but it didn’t work out?”

    Me: “It could be someone you dated, or it could just be a friend you think is terrific, but not for you.”

    He: “Does it need to be someone interested in dating?”

    Me: “Well, that’s the purpose. I wouldn’t bring a guy I knew wasn’t interested in dating.”

    He: “Could they bring folks who can’t get a date?”

    Me: “You want to have a house full of terrific people, not those with low social skills.”

    He: “But how could I also invite my coupled friends? They’re my friends, too and I want to be able to invite them to the party.”

    Me: “Sure. You could have a way of signifying who was available and who wasn’t. Maybe a red dot on their shirt for “taken” and a green one for “available.”

    He: “Well, this is sounding more interesting with the prospect of some interesting, hot women to balance my buds.”

    Me: “Maybe you’ll invite me!”

    If he does, I’ll report how it went!

    Have you been to a party like this? If so, how did it work?

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  • Are you assessing — or judging — your date?

    These terms are often used interchangeably. However, I see a difference.

    Assessing is when you notice things about him. He’s 6-feet tall, blue eyed, with dark curly hair. He has a little paunch, slouches, and interrupts often. He makes eye contact and speaks clearly.

    JudgeJudging is when you put a value on what you see. He’s tall — great! His eyes are beautiful, his hair luxuriant. His interrupting is annoying. He must have low self-esteem because he slouches. He’s lazy, thus the paunch.

    No one likes to be judged, but I’m afraid we frequently do it. We watch people in a coffee shop or an airport and go from noticing to judging in a nanosecond. The guy with the sour look on his face? He must be a grump. The woman with unkempt hair? Must not care about how she looks. The man with rippling muscles under his T-shirt? Must be a gym rat.

    Assessing is just noticing, not making the assessment into judgment. You’re like a tailor taking measurements without thinking “This woman has fat thighs.” He just notes the numbers without criticism.

    How do you stay in assessing as long as possible with your date? You just note what you notice. You observe his physical appearance: height, weight, hair and eye color. You take in his clothing’s style, fit and quality. You mentally note what he talks about, how he listens, the questions he asks, if he interrupts, how long he talks. You watch his body language, posture, facial expressions, eye contact, smile, how he sits and walks.

    The trick is to not make inferences without checking them out. Let’s take some of the examples from above:

    • The paunch — He has been suffering from back and shoulder pain after a bike accident, so has not been able to exercise for months. He’s scheduled surgery soon and he’s looking forward to getting back in shape.
    • The slouch — Because of his injury, it’s painful to stand up straight. After his surgery, he’ll be back into military form.
    • Interrupting — His ex-wife talked non-stop and he found the only way he could get in the conversation was to interrupt her. She never said it bothered her, so it became a habit. He doesn’t even realize he does it anymore.

    Once you know more, the judgments don’t hold. Ideally, put off deciding if you like or don’t like a characteristic until you know the whole story. Just notice for now.

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  • Are you date sated — or hungry?

    Sate: satisfy (a desire or an appetite) to the full; supply (someone) with as much as or more of something than is desired or can be managed.

    shopping cartYou know not to grocery shop when you are hungry as you’ll be tempted to take home things that aren’t really good for you.

    The same is true in dating.

    When you are “hungry” — lonely, bored, horny — you respond to or make contact with men who you normally wouldn’t find appealing. You go on coffee dates with guys you know you don’t have an ounce of interest in just for something to do. You may accept a second date invitation if he isn’t odious. When you’ve had your dating “fill” you have to awkwardly disengage, declining additional dates, leaving the guy bewildered at what happened.

    However, if you’re seeing someone you like, even if it isn’t serious, no one online looks appealing. If you receive regular emailed matches you automatically hit delete or give them a quick scan. No one entices you to respond or make contact. You are date sated.

    You can also be disinterested in dating when you are satiated by other activities in life. If your appetite for affection, attention, and activities is quenched from other sources, you are not drawn to potential dates. You ignore winks, emails and maybe even phone calls. You have pushed yourself away from the dating table. You say, “Thank you, but I’m full.”

    Shortly after experiencing a difficult break up, I binged on my matches like a starving woman who hadn’t had a morsel in months. I contacted men to whom I normally wouldn’t have been drawn. I met them for coffee, and then had to send the “We’re not a match” email afterwards. I was not being discerning — devouring everything that was put before me. And while I believe in experimenting, just like at a buffet, and at least “tasting” (meeting) men who are the least bit appealing, I guzzled coffee dates as if it were my last chance to meet anyone.

    Notice how you feel about dating right now. Are you ravenousness? Slightly hungry? Or satisfied? This will determine how you approach dating.

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  • Eliciting your friends’ reactions to your guy

    After dating a guy a while, you want to introduce him to your friends. You’re hoping they’ll see how terrific he is. But what if they don’t? You are torn between wanting to know what they think … and not. Some women defend their man if their friends say anything negative about him. But what if they see something glaring that you’re overlooking?

    What if you could get their feedback in a non-threatening manner? Leslie, a friend of a friend, figured out a fun way to do this. She invited her close pals to a party to meet her new guy. Each guest was given a “Rate This Man!” card. After interacting with her new guy, before they left they marked their responses to multiple-choice questions:

    First Impression
    ___ Not the pick of the litter. Good luck. No!
    ___ Could be a date. Will you share? Maybe.
    ___ He’s a treasure. Yes!

    Attractiveness
    ___ Keep the lights off; yikes! No!
    ___ OK, but I’d keep looking. Maybe.
    ___ Um, sorry, I got distracted. Yes!

    Personality
    ___ A cold fish, throw him back. No!
    ___ Invite friends for company. Maybe.
    ___ A woman’s man. Mmmmm. Yes!

    Sexual Potential
    ___ Buy more batteries. No!
    ___ Oh, what the hell. It’s only sex. Maybe.
    ___ I’m imagining …, yum. Yes!

    Rate This Couple
    ___ Coffee shop only.
    ___ Could be fun.
    ___ Tropical honeymoon.

    I wasn’t at the event, nor do I know Leslie, but I’m imagining the guy in question was in on it from the beginning, perhaps even helping create the possible responses. If so, it would show he had a good sense of humor, was confident he’d get good scores, and was a good sport.

    Did Leslie and Mr. X review the responses after everyone left? Imagine how awkward it would be if the majority of answers were in the “no” category. At minimum, it would be interesting conversation fodder. It would let you see how he reacted to the information — whether he took it good-naturedly, got defensive, or angry. And it would give you a glimpse into what your friends thought, even though they may be less than candid.

    yellow flagDoes it really matter what your friends think as long as you think he’s great? Yes and no. If they are true friends, they are interested in your happiness and good will. Their antennae will be looking for any yellow flags that you may have overlooked. But most friends won’t offer this feedback freely, unless you have asked and they believe you really want it.

    Everyone’s opinion is filtered through their own biases. Mr. X may have reminded your best friend of her ex, so she hated him immediately. A male buddy may be harboring a crush on you, so will only point out the negatives of your new guy. Or your sister longs for a relationship so much and wishes one for you, that she’d give thumbs up to any man with a job who’s breathing.

    And yet you have to balance their opinions with how you feel. After all, you’re the one dating him and hanging out with him. You may see a tender, caring, sensitive side that doesn’t come out in a party situation.

    So if you hear a trend in your friends’ comments, take it to heart. But if only one person doesn’t like him, chock it up to his/her bias. Ideally, you’re able to keep a fair and balanced view of your guy, even as you’re falling for him.

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  • Turn your liabilities into assets

    Your Most Priceless PossessionYears ago I led a seminar on how to have a positive attitude at work. In the text, Attitude: Your Most Priceless Possession, author Elwood Chapman suggests employing the “Flipside Technique.”

    The concept is to take something not commonly considered good and reframe it as a positive, injecting a dose of humor when necessary. We’ll explore how to practice this in midlife dating, as most women have trouble moving past what they see as their flaws. (See “Are you describing yourself compellingly?“)

    Let me give you some non-dating examples first.

    • In “I’m glad dating is hard” I shared how motivational speaker Art Berg was grateful he broke his neck as it made him reach deep for inner resources he might not have otherwise tapped. He used humor in his talks to illustrate how he learned to stretch beyond what he thought was possible.
    • VW BeetleVintage VW Beetle commercials promoted how small is beautiful, how economical Beetles were, and how the diminutive car was perfect for those who didn’t march in lockstep with everyone else. One ad’s caption said, “It makes your house look bigger.” Another, “Live below your means.” It took what would be considered drawbacks — smallness, low price and ugliness — and turned them into assets.
    • Southwest AirlinesSouthwest Airlines turned no frills — including no meals nor reserved seats — into a competitive advantage. Their ads and staff approach their limitations with humor and fun. It allows them to keep their prices low, which they tout in their marketing.
    • A client of mine, the facilities department for a large company, is working on fun ways to counter complaints they can do little about. They can’t make everyone happy about office temperature. So we’re playing with designing posters that suggest the top 10 things to do if you’re too hot in your office, such as wearing your bathing suit at work, soaking your feet in a tub of ice and using the company phone directory as a fan.

    How can you apply this to midlife dating? Take what you think of as a liability and turn it into asset

    • Overweight — More of me to love. I’ll enjoy dining with you, not pick at my food.
    • Wrinkles — I enjoy life and laugh a lot.
    • Kids — A ready-made excuse to go to the zoo, amusement parks, county fairs, and animated films.
    • Limited time to date — You’ll get my focus when we’re together, and the anticipation of seeing each other will make our time even sweeter.
    • Health or physical challenges — We can slow the pace so we can savor life rather than dashing hither and yon.

    What do you consider a liability and how could you Flipside it? Share your examples.

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  • Fresh out of men?

    When you find yourself out of prospective dates, wouldn’t it be great if you could just go to the store and pick up what you want? Were it that easy. In “Shopping for men” I described how sometimes you have to be creative and patient in your search.

    DG reader Stephanie writes,

    “What happens when you run out of men? I’ve been on two online dating sites for the last 2.5 years and feel like I see the same guys over and over. I’ve tried volunteering, asking friends, talking to men in the wine store. I’m about ready to give up. I’m just not finding anyone who floats my boat. Any thoughts?”

    I’m not really an expert on how to meet men, as nearly all my dates have come through online sites. But that doesn’t stop me from having an opinion!

    You’re doing the right thing getting out there doing things you like and letting your friends know you’re wanting to meet interesting men. You might expand even more by taking classes about things you want to know. I took a class in auto mechanics years ago, not to meet men, but to learn about my car. But there were some cuties in the class.

    cigarAlso go to stores men frequent. As I say that, I realize you could probably meet a lot of men at the cigar store, but who could stand the smell? So don’t go to places you don’t have an interest in.

    However, I make a point of looking presentable (not all dated up, but still clean and neat) when I go to the hardware and electronics stores. I’ve even asked attractive men for their opinions in both. While this hasn’t yielded a date, you get used to talking to strangers, and you make sure you are presentable even for a Fry’s run for CD-ROMs.

    Someone once suggested that I take up golf as the ratio of men to women was in my favor! I took a golf lesson once and wasn’t entranced, so I’ve ignored that advice. But for some women it would be perfect if they liked the game. There is a steady stream of men teeing up all day long!

    Now, let’s revisit the virtual part of your quest. When I’ve had dry spells in between men, I’ve adjusted my online activities. First, go back through those familiar faces and give them a little more focus. Sometimes I’ve found something in a guy’s profile that sounds interesting beyond my initial first read. Or maybe he’s posted a new pic that is more appealing that the previous one. If so, I make contact.

    Second, if the site lists “mutual matches” or “reverse matches” (as Match.com does), go through those to see if anyone new jumps out. Maybe one or two criteria kept them out of your original search, but it isn’t really a deal breaker if he’s 5-foot-eleven instead of 6-feet tall.

    And third, try being a bit more liberal in your search criteria. For example, if your searches have been limited to 25 miles from your house, when you expand that to 50, many more matches will appear. The same with age, income, height, etc.

    There are many more than two dating sites, so try posting your profile to others. Most don’t require you to pay to post your profile, so you can see how much interest you get before you have to pony up and join.

    Although I generally counsel women not to initiate the first contact, if you aren’t getting a lot of emails, then time to take some action. In “Dear Fido” I share how I wrote to a guy’s dog to make a fun first impression. And his dog wrote back!

    A friend has had great success meeting interesting men through It’s Just Lunch. Other introduction services like Table for Six can also offer new faces. If there’s one near you and you aren’t put off by the initiation fee, it can yield some great guys.

    So if you’re feeling you’re running out of good prospects, either take a break from searching for a while, or mix up your efforts. Remember, just like shopping for clothes, shopping for men should be fun!

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  • What is your attire telling your dates?

    Is what you wear on the first few dates with a guy sending the messages you want? Do you find men relate to you differently than you’d like? It may not be them — it may be signals you’re sending through your appearance.

    When I began dating again I thought I had to wear what I saw on 20-something gals. Clothes that didn’t leave a lot to the imagination — tight and revealing. Confiding my trepidation to a friend, she wisely said, “If you show cleavage down to your navel you’ll only attract men who only want your body, not men who are interested in your mind or personality.”

    I took her advice and wore less-revealing, yet flattering and up-to-date clothes on first dates. I saved the plunging cleavage for dress-up events when I knew that my body wasn’t the only thing a guy was after.

    If you don’t regularly wear sexy clothes other than on dates, you can forget the effect it can have on men you aren’t romantically interested in. I was reminded, somewhat embarrassingly, at a dinner party the other night. I wore a top that was lower cut than I usually wear to a casual social event. I didn’t think about it much until at dinner a male friend seated near me complimented my blouse. I offhandedly confided that it was a bit more revealing than I usually wore. The man seated next to him, who I didn’t know, chimed in, “Why do you think we’re all sitting at this end of the table?” I was suddenly aware that I’d been conversing with 5 unaccompanied married men seated around me.

    Silly me. I wouldn’t wear that blouse on a first date, as I wouldn’t want to give a man the impression I’m inviting more than getting to know him. I wasn’t trolling for men’s attention, and since I knew this party would be attended by partnered — not single — men, I didn’t feel my attire would attract unintended focus. Dumb, I know.

    Although some men claim not to notice what a woman is wearing, I’m sure they notice the effect her attire has on him. He may not be able to remember specifically the cut of your blouse, the style of your skirt, or how your earrings matched your necklace. But he does notice at some level if what you’re wearing is flattering on you.

    Eva LongoriaRecently, I chatted with a married friend about women’s shoes and he said, “The truth is, men don’t notice the shoes women wear.” I knew he was a fan of Eva Longoria‘s Desperate Housewives character Gabrielle. I asked, “If Gabby wore baggy sweat pants with sneakers, flip flops or hiking boots would she still be as sexy to you?” He agreed that while Gabby could be sexy in a potato sack, her footwear did make her even more so. Her attire made a difference in her attractiveness to him.

    In “Do you have the right datewear?” I suggest you think through what impression you want to make on a first encounter. I think of dating clothes — dateware — like a costume. Just as actors have specific costumes to immediately broadcast many attributes like age, economic status, time period and personality, so does your dating costume. What you wear shouldn’t project someone you’re not, but should telegraph the characteristics you want your date to know about you: warm, friendly, stylish, smart, fun, or whatever you want to say.

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