Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • The power of appreciation in dating

    Many years ago I heard a speaker state that 95% of communication in a romantic relationship should be acknowledgment. In other words, most of what you say to each other should be positive, complimentary and affirmative of the other.

    This made me look at my own communication with my then husband. I didn’t track the percentage of acknowledgment, but I’m sure it wasn’t near 95%. Most of our communication was about daily tasks (what shall we have for dinner, who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, updates to our personal calendars). There was some discussion about daily events and some about our relationship, people in our lives, and getting advice from the other. While we weren’t nitpicky or regularly critical of each other, I noticed we weren’t overly complimentary either.

    Since I tended to voice my dissatisfaction more than him, I decided to step up my acknowledgment of him and reduce anything that could be construed critical. I’d save anything that he might feel was not positive to only the big things that were really important to me. I’d begin to shower him with compliments.

    It was hard. Not that there weren’t positive things to notice and comment on, but you have to train yourself to not just see something, but to say something.

    And then how complimentary should one be about mundane things? Does it sound condescending when you say, “I’m glad you put on your seat belt” “Thanks for taking out the trash,” and “I appreciate it when you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”? When these are minimal co-living standards, should they be acknowledged? When I was a teenager, my mother complained that we never complimented her on dinner, so I suppose even agreed-upon chores still need acknowledgment.

    Mike RobbinsMy friend Mike Robbins is a master at how to verbally appreciate someone and have them hear it. He speaks on “The Power of Appreciation” and has aThe Power of Appreciation soon-to-be-released book titled “Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation.” I invited Mike to present to 50 managers as part of a year-long management training program I was leading for a client. Within an hour, he had taught these managers the skills they needed to share sincere appreciation with each other, and to take these skills back to their departments. I watched seasoned managers get touched to tears hearing their colleagues’ comments about how they made a difference in the other’s life.

    I’ve brought Mike’s teachings to my dating adventure. I am more conscious of sharing my appreciation on a date, especially when I know he’s gone out of his way for me. Mike teaches you to not just say, “Thank you for taking me to such a lovely restaurant.” But to add, “I know you put effort in choosing a place you thought I’d enjoy. Your thoughtfulness makes me feel cared about and closer to you.”

    Granted, I am not the master at this that Mike is and I still have a ways to go in practicing this regularly. But when I have remembered to do this, I’ve seen my date not only smile, but stand up a bit taller and seem to beam a bit.

    In “Help your date notice his riches” I talked about commenting on things you think a date does well. Try coupling that with acknowledging how his behaviors make you feel good and see what happens. Write back after you’ve experimented with us and tell us what happened.

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  • Slow down, you move too fast

    Yesterday, I spent time with a colleague I hadn’t seen in a long time. I knew he had been online dating so was interested in an update.

    He had decided to run his dating life similarly to how he runs his business. He’d troll for suitable prospects on dating sites, then send an email to each with a link to a 12-page web site outlining every detail of who he is and who he is looking for. This page included much more information than an online profile allowed. In addition to his hobbies, profession, health, food, religion, he included his sexual frequency preference! He says this detailed information eliminated women who aren’t a match.

    Recently, a woman responded with a 3.5-page version of her own preferences in his categories. They met within days and she removed her profile within a week of posting it. Although they live a 3-hour drive apart, after a few months dating, they are now engaged.

    The missing piece of this story is that this 50-year-old colleague has been married 4 times before. I have no idea how long he dated before marrying, nor how long he was married to each. But based on this whirlwind romance, I’m wondering if he’s repeating a pattern of quickly falling in love, marrying, then finding out what each other is really like, thus divorcing.

    A nearly 60-year-old gal pal has been married 5 times. Again, I don’t know how long the courtships or marriages lasted. Her last union was a few years. One could theorize that the marriages ended because they really didn’t know each other and took the plunge too quickly.

    In dating, when you meet someone who seems a great match, it’s easy to fall quickly. And it’s easy to ignore the wisdom that you would share with another who was making wedding plans within months of meeting: “Slow down!” When it is you, you argue, “But this is different” or “But he’s the one” or “But I’ve never felt this way before.” So why rush? If he’s the one, he’ll still be the one in 6 or 12 or 24 months, won’t he? So unless you are thinking you want biological children and the clock is ticking, why sprint to the alter?

    You’ve heard of hasty marriages lasting a lifetime. But more frequently quickie nuptials crash and burn fast. Remember the hours-long Britney Spears marriage? You want to make sure it is likely to last before tying the knot. Divorces are just too damaging to go through if you can avoid them.

    Parsley, SageWhen you find yourself talking about moving in together or marriage within weeks of meeting someone, remember to recite the first line of Simon and Garfunkle‘s “The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)“: “Slow down, you move to fast.” But instead of “You’ve got to make the morning last” how about saying “We’ve got to make sure it will last.”

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  • Dating alchemy

    A newly dating gal pal called and wanted some advice. She’s recently become a DG reader and was sharing her few experiences getting her feet wet.

    herbalistAs we chatted and I spewed my advice, I felt like a mix of psychologist and Chinese herbalist. But instead of prescribing a pinch of this and a dollop of that, I doled out postings to read. These are some of the issues we covered, and the prescribed postings.

    Whew! I’m exhausted from all that amalgamating! I think I’ll brew myself a relaxing potion.

    If you’ve got an issue that’s troubling you about dating over 40, we’ve probably covered it! There are 339 postings here now. Just enter a key word in the “Search” box and it will take you to those postings. And if you’ve got an issue we haven’t discussed, please email it to me.

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  • What makes midlife dating different?

    I’m often asked what makes dating in midlife different than dating in your 20’s and 30’s — at least for women. While I know the following are gross generalizations and there are always exceptions, here’s what I’ve come up with:

    • Having more/any biological kids is past. Most people are finished with the early part of child rearing, although some may want to adopt. Some people still have kids at home, some people’s kids are grown, and some have grandkids. The biological clock has stopped ticking for most midlife women, which releases a tremendous amount of pressure from the dating process.
    • Physical attractiveness has begun to wane. While there are still plenty of pretty/handsome midlifers, most have had some loss of beauty — at least from their perspective based on what they had in their youth. Many people are physically active, some even buff, and some in better shape than they were a decade or two ago. But most have some wrinkles, and perhaps a bag or sag or two, unless there’s been surgical enhancements. And some are more attractive with those signs of experience on their face.
    • windsurfingHealth challenges may be present. High cholesterol, aching joints, high pressure and diabetes are common among midlifers, no matter how healthily you eat and how many days a week you work out. Much of this is managed through diligent diet, exercise and medication so it has little affect on activities, but some more severe cases limit activities. This makes dating more of a challenge when you have to explain why you can’t go backpacking or windsurfing or rock climbing on your dates.
    • Financial fitness is more common. Although divorce and health issues can take a financial toll, by midlife many people have figured out how to manage their money, and often have financial security through investments. Even if they are not affluent, most have a strategy for getting by. And many can afford time off and grand vacations.
    • More responsibilities make it harder to find time. Dating takes time. Midlifers are more likely to be looking after their parents and kids simultaneously. Add to that a job, physical fitness, friends and hobbies, and many don’t have much time left over to devote to dating. However, if the kids are on their own and the parents don’t need much attention, there can be plenty of time to explore activities with a sweetie.
    • Clarity about what they want. After a break up or two, most people reflect on what they don’t want to repeat. They are clearer about what they want their next relationship to entail. In fact, if someone has been married a time or two, in midlife they may decide they don’t want to be married. Instead may want an activity partner, but not someone who they will live with.
    • Wisdom about life. They may be slower to anger, quicker to forgive, mellower, more willing to love and be loved. Some people think midlifers are way more interesting to be with than younger dates, even though there is lots of hype about wanting boy/girl toys.

    What can you add to this list that you notice about midlife daters and dating?

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  • How are you about receiving gifts from your guy?

    HornblowerIt’s my birthday! Since my sweetie’s work week ends at noon today he’s flying in this afternoon to take me on a dinner/dance cruise and spend his “weekend” with me. But you already know how thoughtful he is. (See “The art of wooing is not dead.”)

    The other day he told me he’d been shopping for my birthday gift. I’d forgotten to tell him that his presence was my present as he was already spending a lot on air fare. But he wanted to give me something I could hold — besides him!

    The other reason I wanted to dissuade him from gift giving — but it was too late — is I’m hard to buy for. Dates and beaus have given me “safe” gifts of flowers, books, stuffed animals, etc. I appreciated their thoughtfulness even if I wasn’t always thrilled with the gift itself. But I still liked how generous the guy was to not only think of giving me a gift, but to follow through.

    Gift giving was usually traumatic in my childhood and marriage, so I still have some baggage around it. While I try to be Zen about it now and appreciate whatever I get — or nothing — it can still be a sore spot. In the past, I felt invisible babydollwhen my family gave me gifts that had nothing to do with me. Several Christmases I locked myself in the bathroom crying after gift opening when I looked at my gifts and there was nearly nothing that I had requested or wanted. I rarely played with baby dolls, but my mother gave me one each birthday and Christmas until I was 14! She loved them — I didn’t. My older brother bought me albums he wanted, my older sister would buy clothing that she could borrow.

    My ex was no better, although not as self-focused in his gift giving. His first gift was a tiny pendant he’d bought on a business trip a few months after we began dating. Now, I’m a tall woman, 5’10” and not waif like, but not zaftig. I wear large earrings and necklaces to match my frame. This pendant would be like an ant on me — completely unnoticeable. I thanked him and put it in my jewelry box to remind me of his thinking of me, but I never wore it.

    steamer trunkSo you see, I enter this gift-receiving arena with trepidation — and steamer-trunk sized baggage.

    Of course, I don’t think I’m hard to buy for! (Do we ever see that in ourselves?) Only after my ex and I had many discussions about it did I come to see that my taste was challenging for him. My point of view was, “It would be easy if he just opened his eyes and looked and listened!” Hints were all around him. I am a football fan. Did he ever buy us tickets to a game? No, he bought me a life-sized cardboard cutout of my team’s quarterback. I collect colored depression glass. Might he have gone to an antique store or eBay and rounded out my collection? I frequently play my favorite recording artists. Did I ever get one of their latest CDs? You know the answer to these questions.

    And if he’d just opened his eyes, he would have noticed I wear larger jewelry, not ant-sized pendants. I’m sure whatever my sweetie gives me today will be based on his observations of things I like and that I will like it.

    So my question to you is, how are you when a beau gives you a gift for a significant occasion? Even if you graciously receive it in the moment, if it isn’t on target, do you let him know? And what do you do then — stuff it in the closet, take it back, or re-gift it? If he’s around your place much, he’ll notice it isn’t prominently displayed, used or worn. Then what?

    And if this mis-gifting happens repeatedly, do you do what I’ve done in the past and make it mean that he isn’t paying attention to you? Or do you just accept whatever is given as a token of his affection?

    godiva(And, dear readers, Godiva is always appreciated, even as a belated birthday gift. I’ll gladly email my address to anyone who wants to send along a pound or two. <g>)

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  • Should you seek feedback on why it didn’t work out?

    I’m sometimes asked why my multi-week relationships didn’t work out. If the guy released me, I don’t really know so can only guess. I’ve been asked, “What did the guy say when he broke up with you?”

    poofThe truth is, most of them have just gone poof, even after seeing each other 5-7 weeks. Very few men officially “break up” by communicating they don’t want to see me romantically anymore. And if they do, they often use the nebulous, “It wasn’t working for me.”

    When I’ve gently pressed and calmly said I’m really interested in what wasn’t working, the answers have been unconvincing. After dating 7 weeks, I suggested to one beau that I’d love to meet his college-age kids sometime. He broke up with me soon after that (in an email) saying he just wanted to be friends. When I said, “Okay. Can you tell me what precipitated this?” he said he wasn’t comfortable with my meeting his kids this soon. Ironically, a few weeks later I arranged to return some of his belongings and one of his kids was home and he seemed comfortable introducing us. Go figure.

    So I’m not convinced many men would tell a woman what was really going on, even if we didn’t yell or cry, but asked calmly and patiently, not blaming.

    I’ve also noticed with uncanny regularity that when I’ve received “constructive” feedback from someone — not just suitors — the feedback I receive is nearly identical to the feedback I’d say to the giver. A colleague once told me that I “had rough edges” which is nearly identical to how I had described him months earlier to someone who didn’t know him. So I think sometimes we are mirrors for others who see their faults in us more clearly than they see them in themselves.

    Does this mean you shouldn’t try to get feedback in dating’s equivalent of an exit interview? No. I encourage you to solicit feedback from former sweeties as well as close friends to see if they can shed light on your blind spots. If you get consistent feedback from dates, beaus, or friends, then give it credence. A favorite question I ask my pals is, “How do you see me shooting myself in the foot?” They will help you see areas you sabotage your efforts.

    Matthew PerryIn dating, you see people do stuff that you think, “If only someone would tell him … he would be so much more successful.” You don’t want to be that clueless person who keeps unknowingly repelling potential suitors. Remember on Friends Chandler’s (Matthew Perry) love interest, Janice (Maggie Wheeler), with the obnoxious laugh? While I’m sure there are some people on the planet who wouldn’t find it annoying, the majority do. If someone lovingly told her, she might be able to tone down the volume to a minimum.

    In “I could really see us together if you lost weight” I shared that I don’t think you should expect someone else to change. But we’re not talking about him now, we’re talking about you.

    Should you solicit feedback from all former love interests? I believe you should from the ones you felt particularly matched. In the area of strategic customer service, which is my professional expertise, I tell clients to pay closest attention to the feedback they receive from their best (by their definition) customers. You want to attract more like them, so you want to make sure you’re not driving them away unwittingly. The same is true for beaus. You are most interested in feedback from the ones you felt had long-term potential — until they broke up with you.

    When you receive their feedback, I’m sure you know you should strive to remain calm, not get defensive nor overly emotional. Should you begin yelling, sobbing or name calling? Not a good strategy. That will not gain you any useful information.

    Even if some time has passed — in fact, some time passing is probably better — have the courage to contact those with whom you had a good relationship and it went awry. Ask for feedback calmly and non-defensively. See if you can uncover some trends and make some modifications if you do. And try not to laugh like Janice.

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  • The first fight

    boxingNew relationships frequently end over a first fight. Sometimes there isn’t even an actual fight, but one of you says/does/doesn’t do something that upsets the other and it’s over — without a word ever being a said about it.

    So a first fight is important. Not that I’m encouraging you to pick one, but when it happens look at it as part of the relationship-building process. Of course, you may go for years without having a fight, and I’m not sure if that is good or bad.

    Even great relationships involve differences of opinion. Both parties have to be willing to voice their opinions, even if their voices may become agitated in the process. My ex and I rarely fought in 20 years together. I saw this as a sign that we could communicate our differences without getting upset. Only in the divorce mediation did I learn there were lots of things he was upset about, but never voiced. So he became passive-aggressive instead. I interpreted his behavior as forgetfulness or moodiness, never identifying it accurately. It would have been better if we’d fought, as the issues would have then been out in the open.

    The important parts of a fight to pay attention to are:

    Before:

    • What triggered it — Of course you can point to exactly the thing you/he said/didn’t say/did/didn’t do. But that is rarely the true cause. This action/inaction is usually a trigger from something from the past. The quicker you realize that and stop acting like it is the current event, the wiser you’ll be. And the less prone you’ll be to reacting to an ancient trigger. If your ex was always late and didn’t apologize then you’re going to be more upset with your current beau’s tardiness, even if he does apologize.

    During:

    • What was said — Was there blaming, name calling, cursing, condescension? Was the anger overblown for the situation? If he calls you despicable names, you know that is a sign of deep anger issues you don’t want to be around. Within the first 10 days of dating, the crazy psychiatrist and I had a disagreement and he called me the “b” and the “c” words. I should have ended it then, but didn’t and endured more of his immaturity and unbalancedness until finally we had a fight and I never heard from him again.
    • What wasn’t said — No sharing of emotion, no sharing at all — just silence. If he won’t talk about how he feels about what happened (“I felt disrespected”) and focuses only on the action, you’re going to have a hard time understanding what is going on with him. Or if he just gets silent, he’s not willing — or doesn’t have the skills — to communicate what’s happening inside. If he needs a cooling-off period, he needs to tell you so you aren’t left wondering why he’s clammed up.
    • Actions — Is there stomping, door slamming, leaving in the middle of the fight, ignoring the other? These show that he doesn’t know how to deal with anger maturely. However, if he says, “I need some time to cool off so I’m going for a run,” accept that he wants to be level headed when you next talk.

    After:

    • Talking about it — Did one of you bring up the upset calmly, wanting to discuss what happened? If it’s always you, that’s a yellow flag. Both of you need to be mature enough to talk about what happened. Were there apologies from both sides? It might have been you that triggered the upset, but if he overreacted or said cruel things, both of you need to apologize. Was there discussion to understand the other’s perspective? If it was just brushed under the rug, that’s a bad sign.

    I find it’s not just what a guy gets upset about that tells me a lot about him. It tells me volumes how he fights (or doesn’t, thus passive-aggressiveness), as well as what happens afterwards. If a guy isn’t willing to talk about it, I know he’s not for me. While I’m not always proud of what triggers me, or how I fight, I am always willing to talk about it afterward. If there’s no processing of what happened, it doesn’t work for me.

    If he’s willing to discuss it rather than just bailing because it’s an uncomfortable conversation, I know he’s interested in staying around for a while. The question here isn’t, “Are you willing to fight for me?,” it’s “Are you willing to fight with me and trust that we both care enough about the other to stick around to discuss our differences?” While I haven’t had many fights with beaus, the few times it’s happened the most common behavior is for him to just disappear afterward. A few have tried to act as if nothing happened. This is not good.

    Of course, this knife cuts both ways. If you know you do any of the above (silence, stomping, name calling, etc.), then examine your own behaviors. Perhaps an anger management, assertiveness, or communication class or counseling would be of value to you, as well. I find even midlife people don’t know how to communicate maturely, especially when they are upset. There are plenty of resources on how to fight fair, but I think you have to have practice this skill in a safe environment to learn it, rather than just read about it.

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  • Does dancing skill equal lovemaking prowess?

    Dirty DancingIn “Dirty Dancing,” we are seduced by Patrick Swayze’s dance moves. He is so smooth, so sexy, so hot. We long for a man who moves like that, who is so sure of himself and knows how to move with us in perfect union. But was he as good in intimate situations as he was in public?

    As we left the dance floor, a date stated that he could tell what kind of lover a woman was by how she danced. I was surprised at the comment, as I’d never heard it before. So I began comparing the dancing style of my former lovers.

    However, I haven’t danced with many of my sweeties, and I haven’t made love with many dance partners. So that narrowed down the field for analysis. What could I tell about those who I’d experienced in both situations? Was my date right? Could I tell what kind of lover a man would be by how he danced?

    There were some correlations. These are the characteristics that were discernible in both environments:

    • Confidence (or shyness)
    • Fun and laughter (or seriousness)
    • Tenderness (or roughness)
    • Sensitivity to partner’s mood and needs (or insensitivity)
    • Uninhibitedness (or reservedness)
    • Generosity (or self-focused)
    • Initiative (or lack thereof)
    • Comfortable in his body, unembarrassed with how he moves, likes how movement feels (or self-conscious)
    • Controlling (or allowing for ebb and flow between partners)

    However, I’m sure there are many exceptions. Someone could be an excellent ballroom dancer, for example, and be too formulaic in bed. Or maybe someone is a great lover, but has two left feet on the dance floor. Some people perform better with an audience and some worse.

    What’s your experience? Have you had great lovers who were also great dancers? Or was one experience much better than the other?

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  • “Tell me about yourself”

    The first real-time contact with a potential date can be awkward. You may have a sketchy description from an online profile, or just a few minutes of information from the friend who connected you. You want to find out more about him, but you’re not sure how to ask without seeming like you’re interrogating. So how do you ask?

    There are many ways. But let’s start with a question that gets the hairs on my neck standing on end. It is the seemingly innocuous:

    “Tell me about yourself.”

    Why does this irritate me so? Because it is so brainless. It says, “I haven’t bothered to read or remember anything about you. So instead of asking you to tell me more detail about what I know about you, I’m asking the most inane question I can muster. I’m not very creative, thoughtful, or inquisitive.”

    Equally inane ones are,

    • “Why are you still single?”
    • “Why did you divorce?”
    • “Do you have kids?” (It says I don’t in my profile. You read my profile, right? I didn’t think so.)
    • “Why haven’t you married?” (To someone who says he’s not divorced or separated.)

    Here are some ones I’ve found more interesting:

    • “What’s your favorite response to ‘Why are you still single?’ Now what’s the real reason.”
    • “What do you feel you might have done to save your marriage?”
    • “What’s your favorite part about being a dad?”
    • “In your next relationship, how do you want to prevent whatever went awry in your marriage?”

    There are myriad other questions you can ask which get progressively deeper and more revealing as you get to know him. The point is before you speak to him, think about some gently probing questions you can ask. Don’t be confrontational, but ask questions that get you to uncover values you find important.

    Once I went out with a man who complained that his divorce cost him over $100,000, even though he’d just told me the marriage was over years before and they just stayed together for the kids. I asked, “If it was over long ago for both of you, why was she so acrimonious?” He paused for a moment, as apparently no one had ever asked that before. Then he said, “Probably because of the extra marital relationships.” I said, “Yes, that would do it!”

    You can learn a lot not only by what a person asks you, but how he answers your questions. Try to make yours interesting, unusual and about issues that are important to you.

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  • Are you describing yourself compellingly?

    “To say something nice about themselves, this is the hardest thing in the world for people to do.” —Nancy Friday

    If you are online dating, how do you describe yourself in your profile? Does it really reflect who you are? And if you’re not online, you might consider writing a description of yourself and what you want, just for the practice. But be prepared to experience some frustration. Most people have trouble describing themselves compellingly.

    My dating neighbor asked me to review her online profile and suggest any changes that would help her get more appropriate responses.

    This is an amazing women. In addition to being a top Stanford grad, a loving and patient mother of three teenagers, she is a top doctor who loves her work and patients. She is one of those special people who never flaunts her accomplishments or intelligence, and instead has a gentle demeanor, easy smile, and down-to-earth presence. She’s fit, energetic, athletic, slender, and pretty. She looks ten years younger than her 48 years.

    So how did this special woman describe herself in her profile? Pretty pedestrianly. She emphasized her girl-next-door characteristics and that was it. She didn’t mention her profession, nor her enthusiasm for life.

    While I don’t consider myself particularly gifted at writing other peoples’ profiles, here’s how I rewrote her description:

    High-achieving gal-next-door wants to meet a similar nice guy

    Do you love your life? I love mine. But I’d like to have that wonderful connection with a special man that fulfills each of our souls. Just like you, I have a full life already. Yet I know I want to invest the time to develop a relationship with someone special.

    My life involves a busy and fulfilling profession, three amazing teenagers, regular exercise, interesting travel, and extraordinary friends. I’m down to earth, with an easy smile and inquisitive mind.

    I’m looking for a men who is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and has achieved his own successes and has a life of his own. He loves spirited conversation with someone who has thoughts of her own. He’s looking for a partner, an equal, to share life with, whether that’s travel, dining, theater, or just a quiet evening reading together or sitting in the hot tub.

    If you’d like to explore if we might be a good match, please contact me.

    Once you’ve written your self-description, run it by some friends, both male and female. The men will think you should include different things than the women. Listen to them!

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  • Dance through dating — and life

    “Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we are here we should DANCE.” —Jerome Flowers

    This quote is from my Jazzercise instructor’s most recent newsletter. I thought it not only apropos as a life philosophy, but as a dating philosophy. I’m sure he meant this to be both literal and metaphorical as Jerome is part spiritual leader, part philosopher, part exercise psychologist, part Solid Gold soloist, part would-be professional singer and part playful imp. I described his joie de vivre in “Fanticizing while Jazzercising.”

    Jerome is encouraging us to literally dance — even when we don’t have a partner — because of the joy it brings us. Our body loves the movement, even if we don’t consider ourselves good dancers. Dance anyway. In class, I sometimes feel awkward and klutzy watching Jerome’s effortless smooth, sensual, natural movements. Ah, to dance like that — what a dream! But we each move our bodies in our own way, and it feels good with someone who is a patient, forgiving, natural to guide us, either as a dance partner or instructor.

    Risky BusinessI’ve taken to blasting the stereo and dancing to Barry White and others who help me get my groove on. Usually this is when I’m alone, often in my socks dancing around the kitchen while cooking dinner. Don’t worry — I’m not imitating Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” in that I’m wearing more than a shirt, socks and undies. But the dancing can be as exhilarating as Tom’s character expresses.

    I Hope You’ll DanceJerome’s line also reminds me of Lee Ann Womack wonderful song, “I Hope You Dance.” In the refrain, she says:

    “And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
    I hope you dance.”

    Of course she and Jerome are reminding us to “dance” in life — to get out and do what you like and what feels good even if you don’t have a partner, and even if you aren’t particularly good at it. You’ll get a smile on your face because you’re enjoying yourself. And who knows who might find you attractive because of it? But it really doesn’t matter if anyone does, as you’ll feel better about your life because you’re doing something that makes you feel good.

    In dating, if we haven’t had a partner in a while, it feels like we can’t “dance” — both literally and figuratively. We long to have someone to dance with to music and in life. But the truth is we can dance and still enjoy ourselves even without a partner right now. And advice I’ve read about attending singles dances says to dance by yourself — or at least sway to the music — near the dance floor and pretty quickly guys will notice that you are enjoying yourself and you’ll soon have someone inviting you onto the dance floor. This works in life, too — when you are having a great time you attract others to you who want to share your fun. And of course, there’s nothing to stop you from inviting someone to dance with you.

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