Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Dating for lazy people

    “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”

    Sunset Blvd.Norma Desmond’s line from “Sunset Boulevard” takes on new meaning now that we have online video speed dating thanks to SpeedDate.com. This is a way for lazy people to speed date. Since I cannot see myself getting all dated up to attend a speedating event live, if the concept weren’t so off putting I would be a potential customer.

    But I can see the allure. As they say in their promo, how much time have you spent emailing and talking on the phone, pouring over someone’s profile and pictures, to then meet and have no spark — or worse, very little in common. Even with the most diligent of vetting techniques, there are more fizzles than sizzles.

    So now you can have a two-way, real-time video conversation with prospective suitors. The demo on the SpeedDate.com home page is an insipid conversation between two twenty-somethings. Not a great sales tool — at least not for our generation. Yes, you can see the person speak and move, thereby exposing any strange nonverbal quirks.

    When you sign up (for free) they also want to harvest your address book for other potential members. Skip this part. When I got to search, there were exactly zero men in my 48-62 age range living within 50 miles from my large metropolitan area. However, within 30 seconds a twenty-something looking man was saying “hello” as his image appeared on my screen. I’d purposefully turned off my web cam, and he had no information about me other than my age and city, but he was compelled to contact me? A bit creepy.

    The site claims that it has reinvented online dating by:

    • No long profiles
    • No endless questionnaires
    • Just an easy & fun way to meet real people live

    Let me get this straight — you know nothing about these people, no idea what they’re looking for or their education or relationship history, height, interests, etc. The only criteria for saying hello and spending 3 minutes with them is they are online? Isn’t that roughly what happens in a bar? But in a bar you at least see if you’re physically attracted to him/her before you say hello.

    This is how it works:

    1. Go on lots of live 3-minute dates with webcam or text chat
    2. Vote for who you like
    3. Connect with your matches

    I signed on again and was greeted by a 28-year-old who lives 3000 miles away. I ended the “date” immediately. Apparently you put in your age range and location requirements and it will serve you all the people who are online that meet that criteria. His criteria must have been 16 to 99-year-old women living anywhere on the planet.

    There is a tab called “My Profile” where I’m assuming you can enter information about yourself, but there was a technical glitch that kept giving me an error. If my theory is right, you could check out the person’s profile while you’re chatting.

    I don’t know — maybe I’m old fashioned or just stuck in my ways, but I don’t see using this site. Would you? (Yes, Bookyone, we know you wouldn’t!)

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Social-circle accountability — a missing link in online dating

    We’ve heard — and sometimes experienced — the horror stories of midlife dating. When we think that middle-aged men and women should behave like adults they flummox us with their adolescent behaviors.

    Many of these bad boy/girl stories come from meeting folks through Internet dating sites. If you’ve been around for more than a day, you realize that not everyone listed on a site has stellar ethics and social skills. They do things that leave us incredulous — whether it’s happened directly to us or we hear about it from someone else.

    It’s made me ponder the various reasons why people act the way they do when in dating mode. Is it lack of social skills education, not caring how they affect another, or general self-centeredness and obtuseness? I have a theory to add to these.

    social circleLack of social-circle accountability.

    When you meet someone through friends, some filtering happens beforehand. If you meet your date at a friend’s party, the friend has determined the person to be socially adept enough to be in their circle. Granted, someone else could have brought the guy along, but they would have assessed he’s not a total creep as they wouldn’t want him embarrassing them at the party.

    Secondly, there is built in social accountability. If you or he is a jerk to the other, the friends will hear about it. “What’s with Fred? We set a lunch date then he never showed.” Or “Is there something going on with Alice? I asked if she’d like to go out and she said yes, but she has yet to return my calls.”

    A pal shared that he asked out a woman he met at some mutual friends’ party. They had a wonderful dinner a week later, and a few days after that he invited her to his house for pizza and a DVD. She accepted and they set the time. She didn’t arrive. He called her cell 15 minutes after her due time. No answer. He called again at 30 minutes, then an hour after her expected arrival. He was concerned for her safety. He emailed her the next day to ask what happened. No response.

    A week later, he asked some mutual friends if she was okay. They said she was and had no idea why she would stand him up. They checked with her, then got back to him. She said he was physically aggressive and she was concerned about going to his house. This is totally out of his character (I know this guy and he’s a good one). Why couldn’t she just decline his second invitation if that was how she felt? Instead, she started this rumor mill.

    Their mutual friends had known him much longer than her, he’d dated other women in their extended social circle, and there had been no reports of his being inappropriate with anyone. (We know that some people can be entirely different in public settings than they are behind closed doors. We also know he could have been inappropriate with other women in the circle and they didn’t speak out.) However, other examples of this woman making stuff up was beginning to surface. She was caught lying about other things.

    Social circle 2They were both accountable to their social circle. If there had been other evidence of my pal being inappropriate, he would have been ostracized by the group. I realize this doesn’t happen in all groups; some let egregious behavior (e.g., adultery, abuse) slide. But many groups will police their own and shun social misfits. And some will confront him/her directly.

    In Internet dating, some people behave as they never would in person (if you’re communicating by IM, email or phone). And when they meet you, they do and say stuff they wouldn’t try if you met them through a friend.

    What have you experienced in social circle accountability? Have you seen representatives from a group step in when there has been unacceptable behavior when two of its members are dating?

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  • Let the games begin

    As I respond to an interesting potential suitor’s email today, I hear myself saying the command heard at the start of the Olympics. I’m don’t like to think of dating as a game — although there are gamelike parts. I work hard to not play games in dating, even though there are plenty of those who do.

    Let the games beginWhat I mean by the line is that once you respond positively to someone’s initial inquiry (or he to yours), it sets off a series of emails, often fun and flirty. If you pass muster with each other, you progress to a phone call, then if that is acceptable, a meeting. In each interaction, you want to display your personality, while simultaneously working to be on your best behavior (if you’re at all conscious).

    Responding positively sets the dating “game” in motion. I wish there were a better metaphor, as the word game used in reference to dating is so negative. But you know what I mean — a loosely prescribed set of actions.

    But in this game, the rules are not agreed to by all the players. Which leads to assumptions, frustration and disappointments. Sometimes the players appear to be playing very different games, but they’re doing it on the same field. And one can’t understand why the other is doing X because it makes no sense in the rules they are playing by.

    Since the rules are nebulous, it is unclear when one is winning. In dating, ideally you both win. But some have agendas like, “If I can get him to buy me a drink, I win,” “If I can get her number, I win, “If he takes me to a nice restaurant, I win,” “If I can get her to kiss me, I win,” “If he buys me jewelry, I win,” or “If I can get her in bed, I win.”

    And any player can leave the game at any time, and they do, often without informing the other player. One declares, “Game over,” but only in his/her head.

    So it is hard to allow the games to begin when you don’t want to play any manipulative mind games. The best you can do is try to adapt to the situation as you experience it with the other, so you are co-creating the rules of the game for the two of you.

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  • The dangers of IM flirting

    I’m told some people found the love of their life through an online dating chat room. Others have shared they got to know they beloved long distance through IMs.

    Instant messageWhile IMs can be a way to get to know each other quickly, it can also create a false intimacy. I rarely open my IM application because I’ve found it is easy for men (and I’m guessing women) to get into too personal matters too quickly.

    For example, I was checking my matches on a new site that has an automatic IM capability as soon as you log on. Within 30 seconds, a guy said hi to me. I typically ignore these, but he had a nice opening salvo, so I quickly looked at his profile, saw he was out of the area and 20 years younger, so sent him my nice brush off message. He continued asking me about things in my profile. So I decided to be nice and chat with him for a few minutes.

    By minute two he was asking me questions that were inappropriate. I told him so, and said if he met me at a party he would not be asking these questions. Then I logged off.

    The anonymity of the Internet can encourage some people say things they wouldn’t say in person. Or maybe guys like this would! But I think most would have more of a filter for appropriateness. In email, you have some time to think about what you’re writing. But an IM is just that — instant — with very little filtering going on.

    This IM assumed intimacy has been more the rule than the exception. If you want to continue to chat you have to tell them your boundaries. But I find if a guy goes there in an IM, he’s not really someone I want to know more.

    And it’s not just sexual comments or questions that are a problem. It’s easy to share details and feelings with someone you’re not looking at face-to-face. “What’s wrong with that?” you ask. “Isn’t that a great way to get to really know someone?” Yes, it can be. It can also create an imagined attraction when you haven’t even met yet. Then when you do and there’s no spark, you realize you’ve fallen for the fantasy that you imagined, rather than the real person.

    The good news is if you start IMing with someone who becomes inappropriate and you share your boundaries and he doesn’t stop, you can block him from contacting you. Best to nip it in the bud before he has your phone number or address.

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  • Guys: Need your help translating

    Gentleman readers:

    On behalf of my women readers, I want to offer my last date as a case study. I need your help translating this message. Yesterday’s posting talked about that date, which by my assessment went well. Not the best first date, but good. Here’s Mr. New Guy’s response to my thank-you email:

    Last night was lots of fun and I’m really glad that I had the chance to meet you. You’re more gorgeous than I ever imagined.

    One thing though. I’m quite sure that our personalities aren’t a match for a long term romantic relationship. While I found you to be physically attractive I didn’t feel a romantic spark.

    It wasn’t a negative experience at all. It just felt like I was out with a very good friend.

    Our conversation was so interesting and your background is just amazing. I was in awe of what you have accomplished.

    Can we remain in contact and perhaps get together as friends at some time in the future? I’d really like to maintain our friendship..

    All the best,

    This is a bit of a new one for me. I’ve not had (at least that I knew) a man find me interesting and physically attractive and not have a spark. The way I interpret this is I did or said something that was a turn off. I know I wasn’t bitchy, overly aggressive, angry, bitter, didn’t talk too much or about my ex or past relationships, or didn’t interrogate him — all things other men have said were deal breakers in women.

    Guys, help enlighten us women. We are told all the time that men are visual, and that if they find you attractive physically, unless you show some egregious behavior, he’ll want to spend more time with you. And is it only women who say they want to date someone who is a friend, too, who they can talk to easily? Isn’t that part of men’s criteria?

    So I’m a bit flummoxed (something that happens with some regularity). Care to enlighten all of us women by sharing your take on this? Or is this just another case of not his cup of tea and move on to the next three guys in my pipeline?

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Is your sense of humor stunting your dating?

    In many online profiles, both genders say they want a mate who possess a good sense of humor. But what really does that mean? For many, it means the man makes a funny (or almost funny) comment and the woman laughs.

    But what if the woman is the funny (or funnier) one?

    If you are the life of the party, some men are threatened. The person who gets others to laugh is the center of attention. This is a powerful position, as you hold court. “Making” someone laugh implies they can’t help themselves — they must laugh. This shows you have wit, confidence, presence, popularity — and power.

    Snow WhiteIn Gina Barreca‘s book, They Used to Call Me Snow White…but I Drifted: Women’s Strategic Use of Humor. she mentions the findings of anthropologist Matadev Apte*. Gina says, “In communities around the world women who tell jokes are regarded as sexually promiscuous. The connection between humor and sexual invitation is made up of many links, among them the thought that it takes certain ‘fallen’ knowledge to make a joke.”

    I could understand if the jokes or wise cracks were bawdy, risqué, racy, suggestive, naughty, off-color, earthy, vulgar, crude, coarse, lewd, dirty, filthy, smutty, unseemly, X-rated, blue, or raunchy. But Dr. Apte doesn’t distinguish what kind of jokes put you in the promiscuous category, just any woman who tells jokes. I’d guess those who make funny, witty remarks would also be categorized as loose women.

    So that leaves women like Gina and me, and perhaps you, in an uncomfortable place. If we are witty and funny, as Gina definitely is and I can be, we are thought to be sluttish. But since making others laugh is also powerful, we are now powerful wanton women. Not something I have a lot of trouble with, and I doubt Gina does either. But it is interesting that for a woman, being funny can be a detriment in some situations.

    Whoopie GoldbergI wonder if hilarious women like Lucille Ball, Phyllis Diller, Whoopie Goldberg, Paula Poundstone, and Gilda Radner ever felt their humor held them back when dating. Or did they just keep dating until they found a partner who appreciated their wise cracks?

    That’s my strategy. I’m proud that I was voted “Wittiest” by my high school classmates. I’ve had a room full of 1500 mostly male CEOs laughing. I used to crack up my ex. I’m not willing to dial it back because some man’s ego can’t take my being the center of attention for my witticisms. Nope. If he doesn’t crack up too, we’re not a good match.

    What about you and your ability to make your date laugh? Do you find this is a good thing, or does it get in the way?

    * Humor and Laughter: An Anthropological Approach by Matadev Apte

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  • My dating site “friends”

    “He looks so familiar,” I think, looking at the man in front of me at the coffee counter. “How might I know him?” My internal search engine Googled my mind looking for a reference to him from one of my social circles. Nothing snapped into place. Until…

    Match.com“Match.com,” I silently exclaimed. “This guy winked at me on Match.” Now that he’s in front of me, I see he is decidedly shorter than me. “Maybe this is why I didn’t converse with him online. Or were there other items that were off putting?”

    I debated sharing with him my newly discovered connection. But then, what would I say, “You winked at me on Match.com and I told you we weren’t a match”? A not-very-pleasant opening. And if I were to start a conversation, what would I hope to get out of it? I wasn’t drawn to his profile, so would I think I’d be drawn to him in person? No, I didn’t see any purpose in striking up a conversation with someone I hadn’t been interested in knowing online just because he is now standing in front of me. I’d let it pass.

    Some of the faces that show up as my matches have appeared for the nearly 3 years I’ve been online dating. I’ve read their profiles often searching for something that might entice me to contact them, I have memorized some parts. “Ah, yes, the transplanted Brit,” I remember as I reread the profile with the cute pic. But then as I scan his other pics I see his primary photo must be 20 years old, but he chose that one to advertise to the dating world. A bit of a deception, I think, and move on.

    “This guy has such beautiful daughters,” I remind myself as I click on another’s profile.” “And this one is also from Kansas.” I can recite some facts by heart about a few.

    I attended the same event as one of my dating site “friends,” with whom I’ve never corresponded. But I knew a lot about him. I rehearsed how I’d introduce myself when there was a break in the program. Without disclosing how I knew him I’d say, “You look like a man who loves restoring old cars. I’m getting a feeling you’re working on a red ’72 Corvette right now. Is that right? And you like to cook, especially Italian. Yes? And I’m guessing you’re in real estate.” When he looked confused at how I could know so much about him I’d tell him my screen name. But alas, he was gone before I could toy with his mind.

    I do wonder what I’d do if I ran into one of these virtual “friends.” Would I say anything? Or, like with the coffee house encounter above, would I just keep my mouth shut. So much depends on the circumstance. If he were with others, I’d pass on by, as I wouldn’t want to embarrass him if being on a dating site was something he didn’t want others to know. And, vainly, it would also depend on if I looked good that day. Some days after exercising, with no make up, I’m not feeling I’d make a great first impression. And after all, I’d want him thinking, “Darn, why didn’t I ever contact her,” versus “Man, I dodged a bullet by not asking her out.” So much boils down to vanity, doesn’t it?

    Do you begin to think of these guys who perpetually show up in your matches as people you know? If you ran into one of them, what would you do?

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • The dating profile fudge factor

    I may have led you astray.

    In “You are (probably) more attractive than you think you are!,” I based my comments on the observation that most midlife women I know think of themselves as less attractive than others rate them. And men tend to overstate their attractiveness.

    FreakonomicsBut a study reported in “Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything” sets my premise on its ear. The authors, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, quote research* conducted by two economists and a psychologist who analyzed how 22,000 active online daters rated their appearance, among other things. They compared these findings to the national average to show that online daters exaggerate.

    Are we surprised? No.

    What is surprising is the amount of the embellishment.

    Just like in Lake Wobegon, where “the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average,” so too in the online dating world. But this extraordinariness extends to the appearance of men and women — at least the single adults listing themselves on dating sites.

    Seventy-two percent of the women claimed “above average” looks. Of these, 24% claimed “very good looks.” Men were a tad more modest — 68% rated themselves as “above average,” with 19% of those saying they had “very good looks.” Are we to surmise that single people — at least those listed on dating sites — are better looking than the general population? While many singles go out of their way to have makeovers, lose weight, and work out, are we to believe that 19-24% of these 22,000 people are very good looking? Doubtful.

    Only about 30% marked “average” in the appearance box, and 1% choose “less than average” looks.

    So people are a bit delusional about how their looks compare to others, or they are concerned that if they put “average” no one will want to meet them. But isn’t that what pictures are for?

    Both genders listed heights averaging 1 inch taller than the national average. Men’s weight was congruent with the national average, while women reported their weight as 20 pounds less than the national average. One can understand this as men are penalized for being short, and women for being fat. My experience is that most women wouldn’t notice an inch of height on a man, and most men don’t really know what women weigh, but they have a sense that women should weigh less than 125 pounds. They don’t realize that sex symbols like Mariah Carey and Tyra Banks weigh 150-160, and that number sounds like someone who’s fat.

    The embellishment continues. Four percent of the online daters say they earn more than $200,000 a year, but only one percent of typical Internet users earn that much. Are successful people more likely to engage in online dating? Probably not. More of them are likely to use a matchmaker for a finding a partner. Are they greatly exaggerating? Yep.

    So what do we make of this information? You have likely already figured out to take what people say in their profiles with a grain of salt. Last week I went out with a man who claimed to be 6-feet tall, but with my 2-inch heels on my 5-foot-10 frame I was at least an inch taller.

    Are you justified in stretching the truth to get more responses? If you are like 21% of the women in the study and get no responses to your profile, you may be tempted to fudge — post a younger picture, shave off a few years, say you’re slender when you carry 25 extra pounds. (BTW, the report didn’t say how long the people in the study had been listed on the site. But for some perspective, 56% of the men didn’t get one email.)

    My advice: Don’t fudge. Today I got a wink from a 53-year old man who admits to stating he’s 51 in the demographics section in order to get more responses. Does he really think 2 years is going to make a big difference? However, duplicity does. What else might he be stretching the truth about? “Divorced” really means “separated” or worse “married in a loveless relationship but we stay together for the kids”?

    * “What Makes You Click? — Mate Preferences and Matching Outcomes in Online Dating” by Günter J. Hitsch, Ali Hortaçsu and Dan Ariely

  • Euphemisms R us

    euphemismIn dating profiles common phrases are used that are really euphemisms — nice ways to say what isn’t totally true. While I know you’d never use any of these duplicitously, others do. Some of these I’ve learned the hard way, as I am generally trusting and believe people at their word. But I’ve found that some people have very different definitions of certain words. Let me share what I’ve learned certain words mean in the real world:

    • passionate — horny
    • handsome — my mama tells me this all the time so I must be
    • fit — I can walk from my car to my office without getting too winded
    • athletic — I played football (or some sport) in high school
    • chivalrous — I’ll open the door for you, at least until we’ve had sex a few times
    • intellegent (sic) — not
    • funny — My fart jokes crack up my buddies
    • gentlemanly — I won’t attack you until the end of the date
    • separated — living in the same house with wife, sleeping in same bed, sometimes having sex, but not often enough so am listing myself on this dating site
    • curvy — chubby
    • voluptuous — obese
    • Amazon — huge
    • want to have fun — want to have sex
    • adventurous — kinky
    • looking for the one — looking for the one for right now until someone better comes along
    • want a sensational friendship — friends with benefits
    • romantic — horny
    • give flowers for no reason — you’ll be lucky if you ever see a daisy

    What phrases or words in online profiles have you learned mean something entirely different than you expected?

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  • Making the rounds

    woman doctorI feel like a doctor making her hospital rounds checking on patients. But instead of looking in on Mr. Hernandez after his gallbladder surgery, or Mrs. Fukumoto after her hemorrhoid removal, I check on D1ForU, DreamBeau, LoverBoy1951. I go from Match.com to YahooPersonals to Chemistry.com to SoulMate to see if I have any emails or winks. If I’m really curious, I look at those who’ve looked at my profile. I do this daily. Depending on how bored I am, sometimes more than once.

    “Why,” you ask, “don’t you just let the service notify you when you have an email or flirt/wink/ice breaker?”

    Good question. While some, like eHarmony and Chemistry email you immediately upon someone initiating contact, others aren’t as good. It seems there’s a lag in YahooPersonals of up to a day. And for some reason I’ve never received an email from Match telling me someone had made contact, even though I’ve double checked my notification settings.

    “What’s the big deal?” you continue. “So what if a guy has to wait a day or two to hear back from you? It’s not like he’s a customer expecting same-day service.”

    You’re right (which you already knew). In fact, the book The Rules for Online Dating says to always wait 24 hours before responding. So what’s the rush? Perhaps I have my business customer service quick response system embedded in my brain. I know in business often times the first person to respond to an inquiry gets the business. But in dating, if a guy can’t wait a day to hear back from you, there’s something wrong.

    So why spend time making the rounds from one dating site to another to check on messages? It’s a diversion from doing things I don’t want to do. Work. Chores. Exercise.

    There is also a thrill when someone contacts you, even if you have no interest in him. It shows you are desired, even if intellectually you know some men send messages/winks to masses of women to see who will bite. But when you get a message from someone who seems interesting, it’s an adrenaline rush. You’re thrilled. Could this be The One? You are hopeful, mixed with caution.

    It’s that thrill that keeps me going back. Perhaps doctors feel the same thrill when they see their patients are recovering well after their treatment. You see some progress, which is encouraging.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.

  • Marketing 101 for dating

    shopping cartToday I was strolling down the fresh men aisle at my favorite dating site. No one was enticing enough to pick off the shelf and examine more closely. I wasn’t even drawn to read any labels (profiles).

    What was wrong?

    Lack of marketing.

    With very few exceptions, online daters don’t know how to get people to pause and investigate their profiles. What stops eager shoppers from delving deeper?

    1. Poor pictures. Blurry, dark, or the face is covered with sunglasses and/or a hat. I’ve covered this before in “Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing.”
    2. Bad title. Most sites allow you a few words to describe yourself in a title. I’ve seen titles that included “lonely,” “horny,” and “desperate.” Don’t you just want to write those guys immediately? And there are the misspellings. My favorite is “intellegent” [sic] which shows up more than you’d think.

    If the guy has a decent pic and headline, you read his profile. Many — even college graduates — have a difficult time here. I read one the other day that listed his history back to high school. Others tell you every outdoor activity in which they have ever participated. Some list so many sports they play, I get tired just reading about them. Others include hints at baggage: “No liars, cheaters, or gold diggers.” “Not looking to be anyone’s meal ticket.” “Pass me by if you’re a player.” Can you tell he still has some work to do? And does he really think a player would say, “Oh, boy, I better pass on this guy.” Right.

    So how do you turn a boring profile into something more interesting? Here are three tips from Marketing 101.

    • kayakTalk benefits. Paint a picture of what life would be like with you. Don’t just say “I’m fun” give an example: “I have fun at most anything, and we can laugh our way through cooking dinner together, taking a twilight stroll, or picnicking on the beach.” If you like outside activities, don’t just say, “I like tennis, biking, hiking, and kayaking.” Yawn. Try, “We can explore the beauty of the area while getting to know each other through hiking the regional parks, kayaking on the lake, or biking along the river trail.”
    • Use “you” not “he.” Put the “customer” into the copy. So instead of saying “he” when describing your ideal guy, say “you” so he can put himself there with you.
    • Ask for the order. “We should talk if…” or “If this sounds like you, please email me a hello” or “If you want to see if I’ll laugh at your jokes, send me an email.” Something — almost anything — that calls for action. Ads do this all the time: “Call now” or “Reserve your space.” There’s a reason they do this — it works!

    Here’s the before of a friend’s profile, followed by the revision after we worked on it:

    Before

    I am a mature, well-educated professional female, never married with no children. I have been told I am rather witty and I enjoy a variety of activities including reading, writing, painting, playing musical instruments, surfing the Web, managing my online webstore, watching educational television, drinking exotic coffees and having lively debates with friends and family. I am politically liberal with old fashioned moral values and am a bit quiet at first, but can be very talkative once you get to know me. I am a transplanted NYer, a tree hugger, a feminist, a humanist, an animal lover and a strong believer in the innate goodness of human nature.

    I’m looking for: My ideal partner would be a well educated fellow professional with a big heart and a first rate sense of humor. Sensitivity and the ability to communicate freely and fully are very important to me, while treating others with dignity and respect is a must. A liberal political mindset is also an important asset. If you are a mature single, divorced or widowed man, preferably without children and are interested, please feel free to contact me. And always, always remember: we are all here for the chocolate…

    After:

    My man is a special guy. In addition to being well-educated fellow professional, you have a big heart and a first rate sense of humor. You laugh easily, and especially at your own silliness as well as mine. Perhaps you are like me in that you giggle at small children’s unselfconsciousness, or dogs playing, or odd typos in the paper. You pride yourself on your ability to communicate freely and fully and appreciate that I do, too. You wouldn’t consider treating others with anything but dignity and respect. We share a liberal political mindset.

    I’ve been told — by people other than my family — that I’m rather witty. Like you, no doubt, I enjoy a variety of activities including reading, writing, painting, playing musical instruments (but don’t worry, not accordion), surfing the Web, managing my online webstore, watching educational television, drinking exotic coffees and having lively debates with friends and family. I’m politically liberal with old-fashioned moral values. I’m somewhat quiet at first, but converse freely once you get to know me. I am a transplanted NYer, a tree hugger, a feminist, a humanist, an animal lover and a strong believer in the innate goodness of human nature.

    I’d prefer a man who doesn’t have children at home, so if your daily dad duties are over, and the above fits you, we should talk!

    And always, always remember: we are all here for the chocolate…

    Try applying these ideas to your own online efforts and tell us if the changes yield different results for you.

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