Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Moving on graciously

  • Gently telling him you want to be friends

    A DG reader sent this question:

    Any ideas on how to gently let a good man go? I had several dates with a kind, intelligent, respectful man. We had much in common but by the third date it occurred to me that what we had was friendship, not a romantic attraction. He had different feelings that I was unaware of. I decided it was best to let go rather than lead him to believe I was interested in developing a relationship. I feel badly about this and if it should happen again, any tips?

    This is always a difficult question for anyone who dates with sensitivity and caring for the feelings of the other person. Here are a few ideas I’ve found effective when I’ve delivered this communication, and I’m sure other readers will share their ideas.

    • If you’ve only had a few dates, as you have with this gentleman, you can have this conversation on the phone or even in email. I’ve often sent an email after a first or even second encounter when I realized the guy wasn’t a match. I’ve said something like, “You are an intelligent, interesting, fun guy. However, I didn’t feel the spark I know I need to explore a romantic relationship. But I’d like to have you in my network of friends. Would that be OK with you?” Most often the response is “Sure.” Occasionally I’ve received, “I have enough friends,” which is fine, too.
    • If you’ve seen each other more than a few times, work to talk to him in person, assuming you live within a comfortable distance. If you are dating long distance, then have a live phone conversation, don’t leave it on voice mail. And never do it via email or worse, text or IM. And if you live a distance apart, don’t wait until he visits to tell him, as he will have gone to considerable trouble and expense to see you expecting to be pursuing you romantically. If you want to deliver the message in person, you should travel to him.
    • When you are with him, don’t do anything physically that would make him think you feel differently. So don’t initiate hand holding, lingering hugs, or passionate kisses. If he tries to kiss you passionately, break it off quickly and turn your cheek.
    • Arrange a meeting like coffee or a drink, not dinner. If the expectation is a longer outing, you will be worried about when and how to deliver the “let’s be friends” statement and will be on edge. A shorter encounter also allows him to leave quickly if he is upset at your decision.
    • Think carefully how you want to express yourself. Avoid the clichéd “It’s not you, it’s me.” Some people think telling him what a great guy he is will only confuse him when you tell him you want to be friends, as he may think, “If I’m so great, why doesn’t she want more?”
    • When I’ve delivered the “let’s be friends” talk, I didn’t say, “I’m not sexually attracted to you,” but instead said, “While I have grown fond of you, I realize that fondness is as a friend, not a sweetheart.” If he responds as one man did, “Well, good relationships always start with friendships,” escalate your language to be even clearer. “I am not The One for you, so it would be unfair to continue as if we are going to be romantic.” If he insists that he does indeed think you are The One for him, you have to be blunt, as he’s not getting the gentler wording. “As good of a guy as you are, I’m clear you aren’t The One for me. But you have many qualities I enjoy, which is why I’m wondering if we could be friends.” Or “I just don’t think we are a match. But I’d love to stay connected as friends, if that would work for you.”
    • How blunt you have to be will depend on how quickly he gets the message. If he is insistent that you are a good match, you will have to be more explicit, while still trying to be sensitive to his feelings. If he continues to not get it, you may have to just say, “I’m not romantically attracted to you, but I would love to stay your friend, if that is comfortable for you.” One man said, “No, if you can’t be my sweetheart it is too hard to have you in my life knowing I can’t have you.”

    What advice do you have on how to deliver the “let’s be friends” talk? What’s worked for you? Or not worked when you’ve been on the receiving end?

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  • Are you holding on when you should let go?

    Have you been in (or perhaps are in) a relationship that the other person isn’t as into? It doesn’t have to be a committed relationship, as this can happen even in dating. You are more into him than he is to you. He indicates this by his lack of calling, initiating outings, or verbally giving what you need. But you are into him, so you hang on for dear life, and keep him around by giving him what you know he wants.

    jump off bridgeSoon after my ex announced he was leaving, I had a prophetic dream that painted a perfect picture for my (and perhaps your) situation. We were on a very tall bridge. He was hanging off the side. I was safe on the bridge behind the railing, hanging on to him with all my might, not wanting him to fall. I was crying, clutching at him, trying to bring him back topside.

    He was saying, “Let go. It’s OK. This is what I want.” Finally, he slipped out of my grasp and fell down, down, down. About half-way a parachute appeared out of his backpack and he floated peacefully to the ground, having had the experience he wanted. Feeling relieved that he was safe, I turned around and entered the limo waiting for me.

    This image allowed me to see that I was holding tight onto him, as I didn’t want to let him go, even though it was clear he wanted to go. I thought he wasn’t going to be safe since I didn’t know about the parachute on his back. I didn’t want him falling to his death. But he didn’t get to the dangling position by accident — he purposefully put himself there. By letting him go, we both got what we wanted. He got the freedom to experience life as he wanted, unencumbered by anyone. I could have a life that he never wanted but I did.

    So letting go when someone obviously doesn’t want to be with you will bring you both more happiness. Sometimes our nocturnal dreams are clear indications of our waking dreams and reality.

    Have you held on when you knew you should let go? What happened when you cut the tie?

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  • Lessons from a bad date

    dating wheelOnce in a while, when you spin the dating wheel, it stops on “Bad Date.” Of course you don’t know this going into the date. And luckily, my experience is it only happens about 10% of the time. But tonight I landed smack dab in the middle of that slot. Since it doesn’t happen often, I wasn’t prepared for it, but still managed to eke out a few lessons. I’ll tell you those after I set the scene.

    We’d sent a handful of short emails and talked briefly on the phone a few times. His cell service was so bad, it dropped every third word, so I explained I couldn’t hear him and we cut the calls short. Usually, I like to talk to a man a bit to know some about him before I agree to a meeting. Because of the bad phone coverage, I didn’t know a lot about him going into our drink date.

    I met him at a bar after a dinner meeting with colleagues. He waved as I entered. I wouldn’t have recognized him from his picture, which I now saw was 10 years and 80 pounds ago. Still, I greeted him as I always do, with a brief hug. He didn’t stand from the bar stool, but managed to slide a hand down to my tush. As I promptly removed it, I thought “Strike One.”

    This self-described “sophisticated, worldly and refined” man wore a well-worn suit jacket with an unpressed shirt. He told me several times how he is the sole heir to a local mega-business so was very wealthy. Funny, his tailor had yet to see any of this fortune.

    champagneWhen I sat down, his glass of champagne was half gone so I asked how long he’d been there. He’d just arrived. “And he’d already downed a half a glass?” I noted. I sipped mine as he began the interrogation.

    When I tried to reply to his questions, he interrupted. Often he would tell me the same thing over and over and over again. He asked me to guess the answer to questions and when I did, of course it was wrong.

    The conversation took a turn when he leaned toward me and said, “I want to take you out to your car and ravish you.” He then continued with specifics of what this would entail. When I didn’t respond by grabbing him by the hand and rushing to the car, he decided he should increase the frequency of sharing his intentions, respited only briefly by non-sexual comments.

    For example, when he learned I was born in Kansas, he decided to enlighten me on his opinion of Kansans: slow, stupid, uneducated, uncouth, unsophisticated, cautious, boring. When I failed to take him up on his offer for car sex, he began telling me how I was “so Kansas.” Adding, “I mean no harm.” Right. So in essence, I epitomized the adjectives he just used to describe Kansans. Charming.

    He downed another glass of champagne while I was half way through my one.

    We’d discovered on the phone that we’d concurrently attended the same university for two years, in fact, eating in the same cafeteria. When I brought up the college’s name, he began to describe it as if I’d never been there.

    He told me how he didn’t like American women, but loved European women. I wondered, “Then why don’t you go live in Europe?” Probably because the women there would be no more enamored with him than we are.

    Since I believe generally people have some treasure inside them if you are patient and willing to look, I worked hard to find something I liked about him. He was intelligent. Unfortunately, that was all I could find.

    As he gulped his third glass of champagne in less than an hour, I decided I had given him enough time to see if it was worth investing any more. As I knew within the first few seconds, no. This was worth no more time, and I could have said so within the first 10 minutes. But I don’t like it when someone cuts me off after so little time, so I wanted to see if it might improve. It didn’t.

    After Strike One I lost count. With baseball players the ones who hit the most home runs also strike out a lot. I don’t think this man ever hit a home run, just had lots of strike outs.

    What were my lessons?

    • Stick with what has worked pretty well in the past — talk to the guy for more than a few minutes before agreeing to meet him.
    • Continue with the “short first date” rule. In our phone calls, he’d asked more than once to have dinner with him. I can imagine how excruciating that would have been.
    • If his picture is from a previous decade, he doesn’t understand that truth in advertising is key to dating ethically.
    • If he does something egregious at the beginning, it’s not going to get any better. He’s clueless how to treat a woman respectfully.
    • If he talks graphically about sex, leave.
    • If he repeats himself frequently, he’s not present.
    • If he downs three drinks within an hour, he’s probably an alcoholic. Leave when you notice two are downed in a half an hour.
    • Appreciate the “normal”guys, who are gentlemanly, kind and can keep the conversation out of the gutter.

    What have you learned when the dating wheel has landed on “Bad Date”?

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  • The sting of rejection

    Unless you have really thick skin, nearly all rejection has a little sting. Even from someone you aren’t really interested in!

    mosquitoIf you email a guy and he responds, even with a nice “Thank you, but we’re not a match,” that has a mosquito-size sting. You’re over it in a nanosecond. You might not even notice.

    If you’ve talked on the phone and he either doesn’t call again, or sends an email saying he doesn’t feel a spark, that hurts a little bit too. Like hitting your elbow on your desk. You barely notice.

    You go out to dinner with someone after a nice phone conversation. You have an enjoyable time, he’s a very nice guy, but you’re not feeling a spark. However, you have been advised that often there isn’t a spark until the second or even third date, so you’re willing to have another encounter. At the end of the date he hugs you and gives you a quick kiss on the lips.

    You send him a nice email thanking him for dinner, telling him the qualities you liked in him, and saying you’re open to another outing if he’d like. You get a nice email in response saying he could see you as a friend, but there was no romantic spark.

    Ouch. Not a big ouch, but an ouch. It stings a little even though you didn’t feel drawn to him. Why does it smart a little? You knew there wasn’t a big draw on your side, so why should it hurt at all?

    My theory: Because it was he who said “there’s no attraction,” not you. Silly, in a way, because the end result is the same. So why does it matter who pointed out the pink elephant in the living room? Neither of you felt “it” so why should it sting at all? Heck, this was much less painful than dental work, stubbing your toe hard, or falling off your bike. But the ego gets a tiny bruise just the same.

    But I think most of us would rather have some closure, even if there’s some brief discomfort, rather than not hear anything.

    The key is to not wallow in the pain. Feel it, notice it, and then move on. Remind yourself that it is good that this happened now, as you could have wasted time thinking about and trying to set up another encounter when there really wasn’t a spark. Let it go.

    bandaidPut a bandaid on your ego, if necessary, and move on. Athletes with injuries much worse than this keep playing the game, they don’t give up because they’re clear on their priorities.

    Next!

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  • The worst two words in dating

    Here are a few examples of two-words phrases you don’t really want to hear while dating:

    • comb overComb over
    • Hair plugs
    • Spousal reconciliation
    • I’m married
    • It’s over

     

    None of these would be music to your ears. Some of these are worse than the phrase I want to focus on:

    “I’ve decided…”

    These two words are rarely followed by something positive, although conceivably they could be coupled with “you’re the one for me” or “I’m in love with you” or “I can’t live without you.

    More often, though, they are followed with “this isn’t working,” “I don’t think we should see each other any more,” “we’d be better as just friends,” or “I can’t continue seeing you anymore.”

    The reason these words are so upsetting is that you haven’t been given the respect of being included in a discussion leading up to “I’ve decided.” This is understandable if you’ve only been seeing the other a short time.

    However, I’ve heard this most often when I’ve been seeing the person a month, two or more. “I’ve decided” did not follow a spat or difficult time, so it seemed to come out of thin air. There was no heart-to-heart discussion about the other being unhappy, or what he wanted that I wasn’t providing. He made a decision and I was out on my ear, period.

    Of course, two adults have the freedom to change their minds about a relationship at any time. But it seems that the longer you’ve been seeing someone (or married to them!), you should at least be privy to a conversation about what isn’t working or what the other wants before the “I’ve decided” pronouncement. Not that his mind would be changed, but it seems more respectful to be engaged in the process. Perhaps the decision was based on a misinterpretation of a comment and it would give you an opportunity to clear it up. But once “I’ve decided” has been uttered, it is virtually impossible for him to reconsider.

    What do you think about “I’ve decided”? And what other two words can you think of that are difficult to hear when dating?

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  • Failed relationships’ blessings

    failed relationshipA friend and I were discussing failed relationships. She said, “It depends on your definition of ‘failed.’ Not all relationships are meant to be long term. Sometimes you are pulled to be with someone for a short time to learn the lessons each of you has to offer the other, then move on.”

    I saw the wisdom of this philosophy. It certainly reduces the time you’d spend being bitter, angry and sad when a relationship ends. Instead, you can focus on the lessons you learned about yourself and relationships, rather than being resentful and depressed, even if you initiated the break up.

    In “‘Is that so?’— A lesson in non-attachment” I shared a Zen story about accepting whatever is, without the teeth gnashing that often accompanies break ups. This concept is much easier to comprehend than it is to apply. If you thought the relationship was for the long haul, you’d planned a future together, and declared your love for each other, it is natural to feel grief when it ends.

    By embracing my friend’s philosophy it doesn’t mean you can’t grieve for the now-dashed hopes and plans for the future. But it does allow you to shift your mood more quickly and move on.

    A 55-year-old friend told me of the only man with whom she ever lived. They were deeply in love, so she agreed to cohabit, something she’d avoided with previous beaus. After a few months, he announced he was moving out and leaving her. Her response — at least in this telling of the story years later — was, “Okay. I’d like your stuff gone by midnight. Whatever is here tomorrow will go to charity.” That was it. Matter of fact. No yelling, name calling, china throwing.

    When she shared her calm response to something many of us would be hugely upset by, I asked her how she could be so unaffected. She said it wasn’t that she was callused. She was saddened by his decision and his lack of communication about his feelings before his announcement. However, she knew it would be futile to try to change his mind, so yelling would let off steam, but if he didn’t want to be with her, it would be silly for her to try to convince him. She only wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with her, too.

    She learned a lot about what it takes to be in a full-time relationship. After this experience, she decided she prefers to have her own living space, even if she is in a long-term relationship. She got clarity on what works best for her, and was grateful for having shared the time with him.

    Can you look back on “failed” relationships and list the blessings that they brought? The insights, learnings, decisions you made that have served you now? Share what lessons these brought you.

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  • How you know you’re over a guy

    end deleteOne of you has called it quits. If it is him, you may harbor lingering hopes he’ll IM, text, email or call you. This delusion may last days, weeks, months, or even years. Even if you pulled the plug, you may secretly hope he’ll see the error of his ways and apologetically come back. So you keep his lines of contact open.

    When you’re clear you’re done, however, you delete his roads to your heart. Depending on his preferred methods of communication, you begin to sever the ties.

    • You delete him from your IM Buddy list and block contact.
    • You remove him first from your speed dial, then from your cell phone list altogether.
    • You erase any pictures of him on your cell phone.
    • You take him off your email contact list.
    • You may set up his email to go on your “bozo” list, automatically putting any future emails in your trash.
    • If you found him on an online site, you remove him from your favorites, then block him from contacting you through the site.
    • You put or throw away any snapshots you have of him.
    • As discussed in “It’s moving day,” you give away any items he gave you that you don’t really want.
    • If you have any of his belongings, you arrange to return them through a friend or mail, or donate them to charity.

    You feel no sadness, remorse or delight when you take these actions. You are merely removing someone from your life with whom you desire no further contact. You don’t wish to be reminded of him, so don’t want to stumble upon his name in your address book or picture on your screen saver.

    doneYou’re creating space for someone wonderful to enter your life. The more you are surrounded by reminders of people who elicit hurt or sad feelings, the less space you have in your psyche for positive, loving feelings, which any new guy will pick up.

    So know by cleaning out reminders of love gone awry you are making space for a wonderful new love.

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  • The anatomy of a relationship meltdown

    meltdownSome DG readers have emailed asking what’s happening with Mr.Romantic. They have noted a decided absence of any reference to my “sweetie” the last 2 weeks.

    We had a meltdown. It started over something dumb, but then escalated to yelling and disparaging remarks. This prompted me to rethink if I was willing to continue with someone whose company I enjoyed, but knew there were some big deal breakers. As much as I tried the techniques I’ve suggested to you, I was unable to put them aside. The insights I had during and after have spawned many of the recent postings.

    I’ve looked at my contributions to the meltdown, as well as his. I am not without error. I made mistakes. In our last two phone conversations, I yelled back at him when he began yelling and making inaccurate statements about what I felt, thought and my motivations. But in reviewing the emails of this meltdown, I never got accusatory nor affronted him personally.

    I asked a former beau, who I’d dated last year for 2.5 months, if Mr. Romantic’s accusations paralleled his impressions so I’d know if I was misperceiving my actions or if Mr. R was filtering them through his own past wounds. I was assured that he had never seen any of what Mr. R described. Was it that I never behaved as Mr. R said, or that I just didn’t act that way with my former beau?

    So what happened? The details are unimportant. In “The first fight” I talk about the importance of noticing the three parts of the fight process: before, during and after. In this case, all parts spoke volumes. I saw behaviors in him I hadn’t seen before. While we sometimes say things we regret in the heat of anger, I don’t believe we say things we don’t mean. I think we speak our naked truth during this time, as our social filter is removed. We say exactly what we think, so you get to see an unmasked view of the person’s perception of you.

    His unscreened view of me was so loathsome I knew that even if we got through this, I’d always know he interpreted my behaviors in the worst possible way. How could you continue to date someone you knew put up with what he considered odious behavior flaws? Could I ever feel I could be myself knowing nearly everything I said or did was being misconstrued? I didn’t envision this as the way I wanted to live my life.

    So while it was he who said “I’m done,” I didn’t try to dissuade him from his decision. As it is, I’ve endured a stream of scathing emails. If it was I who pulled the plug, I imagine the stream would have been a river. I now understand why some men just go poof — if they think their trying to talk rationally with someone will result in irrational blistering vitriol. And I’m reminded of “When breaking up is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.”

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  • Review of “Ex-Wives Club”

    There’s a new five-episode series called “Ex-Wives Club.” Its hosts, Shar Jackson, Angie Everhart and Marla Maples, whose apparent qualifications are that they are good looking, are minor actresses, have had 15 minutes of fame because they were connected to famous men, and have been divorced, although Shar doesn’t even meet that qualification. She is the mother of two of Kevin Federline‘s kids. Angie’s marriage to Ashley Hamilton lasted 4 months, Marla’s to Donald Trump lasted 5.5 years.

    In the promo, it says, “How do you mend a broken heart? By getting angry, getting even and getting over it!”

    I agree with two of the three.

    • Get angry. Yes, anger comes from sadness — disappointment that something didn’t happen the way you wanted or expected. You can get angry — or angrier — with him. And you can get angry with yourself for putting up with whatever or not doing something. The point is to fully express your anger, yelling, crying, hitting pillows — whatever it takes to move through it. If you don’t, it will keep leaking out inappropriately with your next suitor, your friends, coworkers or even yourself.
    • Get even. With this one I disagree. Getting even is childish. In “Releasing revenge” I discuss how it may make you feel better short term, but it only perpetuates the hurt and anger between the two of you. Best to just let it go.
    • Get over it. Absolutely. Release what you need to release, take a deep breath and step into your future. Mend what needs to be healed and move on. In “It’s moving day!” I encourage you to pack up all your past relationship hurts, release them and move on.

    At one point, we see Angie confronting the ex of Rebecca, the woman guest. Now what did she hope to accomplish by ambushing and challenging him? Did she want him to admit being a jerk? To rethink his treating Rebecca poorly? I don’t know. But it didn’t make Angie nor the show look like they were playing with a full deck.

    Spritual DivorceThe show does offer hope and assistance to the guests for moving on. This is great. The best thing about the show is Debbie Ford, transformational coach/workshop leader and bestselling author. I first learned of her work through her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. It spoke to me deeply. So during my divorce, when I was looking for books to help me through the process, I was thrilled to discover Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.

    Marla took on helping the male guest, Kevin. She took him for a makeover, got him new clothes, and even helped him promote his mortgage business.

    After Rebecca got a makeover, they wanted to set her up on a date. Shar and Angie trolled for suitable men. The one who agreed — not only to the set up, but to be filmed during the date — was cute, educated, intelligent, attentive, and the date even ended in a kiss!

    Wouldn’t it be great if we all had fairy godmothers (sisters?) to take us under their wings and transform us physically and emotionally, set up business opportunities and pre-interview our dates, all on a seemingly unlimited budget? This is the fantasy. But most of us only have our friends, family and counselors, and limited funds for our own recovery after a traumatic break up.

    If you watch the show, share your impression. Is it good because it offers hope? Or bad because it encourages revenge and hypes an unrealistic quick-fix recovery after a devastating relationship ending?

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  • Do you give your date grace?

    GraceI mean grace in this sense: mercy, clemency, lenience, pardon, consideration, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, courteous goodwill.

    At the beginning of any relationship, there are ups and downs. In “What’s your date’s score on the Delight/Disappointment Scale?” I discuss how you want to notice when your date delights and disappoints you. The point is not to jettison him the first time he disappoints, but to notice it and give him some grace. We all have off days. However, if your disappointments far outweigh the delight, ponder moving on.

    I’ve been surprised when I’ve heard women’s stories of dumping a guy they’ve been seeing after the first miscommunication. I can understand if he’s lied or cheated. Those are zero-tolerance situations. But women have cut the cord on a guy the first time he is late, without giving him a chance to explain. That is cold. If it is a recurring pattern, then yes, something must be said and modified — either his lateness or her expectation of the time he’ll appear.

    I tend to give any man I’m dating a lot of grace. Sometimes perhaps too much. I tend to forgive hiccups that I know other women would bail for. I work to live by that maxim about treating others as I would like to be treated. But there is a limit to my tolerance. If a man violates my trust a second time, he’s gone. Sometimes the first time, depending on how egregious the violation.

    Luckily, I’ve only had a few arguments with men I’ve dated. In each instance, if he is angry at me it feels like he hasn’t given me any grace. From his comments, he allows me no slack to be human, nor any consideration that my motivation is different than his negative interpretation. No grace.

    Can a relationship blossom without grace? I don’t think so. Humans make mistakes. We say insensitive things, have trouble hiding our less-than-positive feelings, choose the wrong words, and take things personally. If your budding relationship is grace deficient, it will wither and die soon.

    The place to start is with your own grace behavior. Don’t expect it from him until you practice it yourself. If you need some reminders on how to do this, see “Turn your liabilities into assets” (apply the concept to his behaviors that drive you batty), “Ignore dating rule #1 at your peril,” and “Being ‘in wonder’ about your date’s behavior.”

    In fact, you can begin to strengthen your grace muscle on strangers, family members and coworkers. Next time someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of honking, try taking a deep breath and saying grace. But instead of saying grace as you would at the start of a meal, try thinking “I give you grace” to that person who is obviously not fully present to how his/her behaviors affect others. Besides, honking won’t change their behavior (see Rule #1).

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  • After the breakup, what if you miss him?

    No matter if you broke up with him or he with you, after a while — days, weeks, months — you may begin to miss him. The horrible things he said or did may fade and only the good parts are remembered. His sweet kisses, great sense of humor, thoughtfulness, and generosity are increasingly on your mind. It’s called selective memory.

    cloudsIt’s hard to remember that you broke up for a reason. If you called it quits, it was over some deal breaker that you thought was insurmountable. On reflection, you’re now thinking maybe you were too picky, rigid or uncompromising. His foibles are now cloudy, but his assets are shining bright.

    If he broke up with you, it was over something he felt was an impasse. Do you think he’s had a change of heart? Do you believe if you promise to change, it will win him back? Perhaps. But he’d be contacting you if he wanted to explore it.

    People — especially midlife people — have a difficult time making radical changes. It can and does happen, typically after some dramatic event like a health challenge or other wake up call. Or changes can occur after a stern talk with themselves or a loved one that their current life is light years away from what they want and they’d better make big changes now.

    So, if you want him back, are you willing to make sustainable changes to fit what he says he wants? If you are highly motivated, then you can do it. However, most of us drift back into our old habits after a while.

    plugIf you were the one pulling the plug, if you get back together do you trust that he’ll make the changes needed to satisfy you? Or are you willing to live with the former deal breaker(s)?

    I broke up with a man I’d dated for 6 weeks early in my post-divorce dating life. I apparently did it gently, as we’ve kept in touch. Every 6 months we’ll have dinner or see a movie. He has said he wanted us to be an item again, and I repeatedly tell him that I’m just interested in being friends. While I enjoy his company as a pal, every time I’m with him the things that got on my nerves come out again. Seeing him reinforces that I made the right decision. (See “He wants romance; you want friendship.”)

    After dating a man for 6 months, I broke up with him for a variety of reasons. After a month, I’d met no one who was as attentive and I missed him. I was tempted to make contact, but reminded myself why I’d cut it off. The issues that I found unacceptable weren’t easily changeable, so I felt it was unfair to require those as a condition of our having a relationship. And they were not things I felt I could learn to live with. So I released him so another woman with different criteria could find him.

    When I’ve been the person who was released, after the hurt wears off it can be easy to yearn for my former beau. My suggestion: don’t make contact. Unless your breakup was over something really silly, don’t give in to being drawn back into a relationship that he said goodbye to. That means it wasn’t a fit for one of you, which means it’s not a good fit. Period.

    If the relationship ended amicably, you may be able to be pals, as long as you aren’t secretly harboring a desire to get back together. That only makes you crazy. And when he starts dating someone else, it will put an impossible strain on your friendship.

    So know that it is natural to miss him. Especially if you are lonely (or horny). But don’t try to get back together. With very few exceptions, it will just elongate and exacerbate your heartache.

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