Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • A primer for how to become more romantic

    heartIn “What’s your definition of romance?” we talked about specific activities that most women consider romantic. However, I’ve been thinking more about what comprises romance. Then I got this question from a male reader in response to the posting “The Valentine’s angst is upon us“:

    I have some angst about Valentine’s Day. It is a form of performance anxiety. I confess that I never prepare sufficiently, and it is always in the final hours that I find myself attempting to justify not having done anything creative or romantic. But at the last minute I am in the realization that something must be done. And so something is, but rarely is it a detailed and well-executed plan, more like heartfelt appreciation expressed with sincerity but insufficient investment to establish deep proof. And so there is anxiety about my performance. Will it pass cupid’s muster?

    What is the practical way to become more romantic?

    My response:

    What a great question!

    Romance is all about showing someone you’ve put some thought and effort into something you think would make her happy. So while your last-minute efforts show her you care, for the next event start thinking about it a month or so in advance. Put it on your calendar to just notice her and what she likes.

    Take note if she says she likes a certain flower, smell, movie, food, book, color, etc. Or listen as she tells you about a friend’s vacation or gift and says something like, “That sounds so wonderful.”

    Romance is about noticing, then doing something to give her what you think she’d like. If she adores Italian food but a trip to Assisi isn’t in the near future, how about giving her a big basket with favorite Italian food that you cook for her? Or a trip to a favorite, but not often frequented, Italian restaurant? It really doesn’t have to be a big deal — the big deal is that you paid attention and made some true effort to please her.

    He responded:

    Yes, somehow I knew that more preparation would be the answer. In fact the prize usually goes to the one with the most preparation, especially when preparation is the primary evidence of consideration. I think many relationships wither because of one or the other being “inconsiderate.” Just considering the other’s wishes and pleasures is a great start toward mutual appreciation.

    What do you think is the foundation of romance?

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  • All you need is love?

    The other day I had coffee with a man I dated briefly a year ago and with whom I’ve stayed in touch. As we were catching up, he chided me for not having an elective medical procedure that he thinks is important and I think is less so. When he pressed why I hadn’t done it, I responded, “All it takes is money.”

    He pounced. “You didn’t really say that did you? All it really takes is love.”

    I thought I knew where he was coming from — that money is just the manifestation of love. But he continued, “I’ve seen some of the poorest people in the world who were deliriously happy because they were surrounded by love. They loved deeply and passionately and were loved in return. All you really need is love.”

    All you need is loveAs I drove home, I pondered his comment. Is all you need love? I know I have had years of meager income yet when I was in love it was tolerable. When you feel loved, you feel supported and able to conquer anything. As the Beatles’ song “All You Need Is Love” goes, “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.”

    I also know that one of the top reasons couples have difficulty or break up is over money. Does that mean that they weren’t really in love? Or that it takes more than love?

    Indecent ProposalRecently I watched the 1993 film Indecent Proposal. In it a billionaire, played by Robert Redford, offers a married couple, played by Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson, one million dollars for him (Redford) to sleep with Demi. After much soul searching, they accept. What follows is a heart-wrenching test of their love. Although it was clear they were deeply in love, not having money had strained their relationship. Then this act, which resulted in their having money, taxed their relationship.

    So what do you think? Do you think Lennon and McCartney were right — that all it takes is love? Or do you think love is the foundation but other things need to be in place to be happy?

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  • Would dating coaching be valuable for you?

    Why talkingMy friend Susan Page offers relationship coaching through professionals she’s trained. She is the bestselling author of If I’m So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single? and her most recent book, Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage. I decided to sample her coaching to see if it was something I wanted to share with my DG readers.

    Beverly NelsonI set up a time with Susan’s primary coach, Dr. Beverly Nelson, a licensed psychologist who specializes in relationship coaching. Susan and I decided I shouldn’t let on that I was a friend of hers so Beverly would be her normal self.

    Wanting to have a realistic conversation, I chose to discuss my situation with my beau du jour.

    I explained to Dr. Beverly that I’m unsure where I stand with him. We’ve had six dates, all of which I think have gone well. I know I have enjoyed his company and we seem to be getting closer. But I also know I’ve misread cues in the past, so don’t trust that I can tell. I shared that I work to be Zen-like in my relationships and not get attached too early if I can help it.

    Men who are interested in me typically say something at the end of a date like, “I’ll call you,” or “Let’s get together this weekend,” or something that suggests a future rendezvous. Last night when we parted, I said, “Talk to you soon,” and he just said, “Okay,” not “I’ll call you tomorrow.” His pattern is to call a few days afterward and set up something.

    Today I emailed him a link to something we’d discussed and said I’d had a good time with him. I haven’t heard from him, but that isn’t unusual for him.

    I asked Dr. Beverly what she thought the next course of action should be, if any. She asked if I’d initiated contact with him in the nearly 4 weeks we’ve been seeing each other. I said I called him occasionally, and had him over for dinner Tuesday night. I’ve also invited him to a professional meeting that he’s showed interest in, and a sculptor friend’s show opening. She was pleased I had proffered these invitations, even though he has yet to accept the last two.

    In the end, she thought I should stay the course, work at not getting too attached until we’ve had more time together, and if after a few more weeks I’m still not clear on where I stand with him, then initiate the “relationship” conversation. Not the “Where is this relationship going?” discussion, but one around “How are you feeling about me and us? Are you seeing anyone else? Are you interested in seeing others or just focusing on each other?” Frankly, I couldn’t have said it better myself, as this was what I would have told others!

    If I wanted to go beyond the initial conversation, we would work to identify and end negative relationship patterns so I would break free of any limiting self-talk and behaviors.

    I highly recommend this service if you are wanting to talk through your relationship issues, or feel stuck, angry or bitter about any past relationship, or feel you are repeating some ineffective patterns in your dating. Her fees are very reasonable for a professional coach, especially one with a Ph.D. in psychology.

    Susan and I have even arranged a special initial free consultation — with no obligation or pressured sales pitch — for any Dating Goddess readers who want to see if this coaching might be right for you. When you make contact by phone or email, just say you are a Dating Goddess reader, and there will be no charge for the initial call.

    To make your appointment, call 510/843-2111 (24 hour voice mail) or email Susan Page’s Coaching Director, Dr. Beverly Nelson at DocBeverly@aol.com and she’ll get back to you and schedule a time for your free initial consultation.

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  • Dating with integrity

    My friend Bruce shared how he’s experienced that women he’s beginning to date lie. We agreed that telling the truth, while uncomfortable at times, is really easier in the long term. Not only are you being respectful of the other person, but you date with integrity.

    But what about white lies — little untruths that accomplish the goal, but are unlikely to hurt someone’s feelings where the whole truth might? Like telling a guy who emails you that you’ve started seeing someone else, when really you’re not attracted to him? To live 100% in integrity does not mean you have to tell him you’re not attracted to him. It’s easy to say, “We’re not a match,” before you start emailing or calling, but once you’ve begun that process and you learn you don’t want to continue, it’s hard to say the full truth.

    To me, living — and dating — with integrity means acting congruent with your values. If your values include honesty as well as kindness, compassion and consideration, how do you balance these?

    You choose behaviors that cover both seemingly inconsistent values. So while some may get upset if the white lie is discovered, most will understand when you explain you wanted to be kind. Many men will say, “Why weren’t you just honest?” To which you’ll reply, “I was as honest as I felt comfortable being while still wanting to be kind, considerate, and sensitive to your feelings.”

    After all, dating with integrity can be uncomfortable. But it is ultimately easier as you can respect yourself for acting in alignment with your values.

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  • What’s your need for closure?

    Do you need closure after you stop dating a guy? If you decide to end it with him, do you feel better if you let him know, rather than not returning calls or emails? If he decides to end it, do you want to have a final conversation, not just get an email or him going poof?

    It seems more women than men I’ve spoken to want closure. My women friends want to know why or at least have a conversation that allows them to say (or hear), “You are terrific. I just don’t feel we’re a match.”

    I have a high need for completion, which is true in every aspect of my life. I like closure. I don’t like things left dangling. However, with dating, some guys just disappear, not returning emails or phone calls. So I make up my own closure. Often I just tell myself, “Oh well. We obviously aren’t a match. Next!” That allows me to let go more easily and move on to the next guy in queue.

    If you are like me, rather than obsessing about what went wrong and why he doens’t call, see what you can tell youself to release any feelings of disappointment and resentment and just move on. Some people find it useful to write the guy a letter telling him what you want to say but not sending it.

    How can you complete a relationship even if it is just within your own mind?

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  • Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater?

    Let’s Make a DealDo you remember the TV show, “Let’s Make a Deal“? TV.com describes it as “a game of intuition, skill, luck, decision making and greed…all mixed into one.” Sounds like dating, doesn’t it? Maybe not the greed part, unless a gold digger is involved.

    I was thinking about this show as I was comparing several men I’d met online and deciding who to release and who to keep seeing. It reminded me of host Monty Hall offering contestants the opportunity to trade their winnings for whatever was behind doors number 1, 2 or 3. Often they didn’t know what their current prize was — say a wallet filled up to $10,000 cash. Nor did they know what was hidden behind various doors, boxes and curtains being offered for exchange. Monty made the choice harder by sharing the big prize hidden behind one of the doors. Maybe it was behind the door you chose.

    Or perhaps it would be a “zonk” — giant shoes, a goat, rusting 19th-century appliances, a washtub for each day of the week, 1 ton of watermelons, a giant rocking horse, sequin-covered garbage cans, etc.

    So it is with dating. When dating someone early on, you really don’t know what “prize” you have in hand as you don’t yet know him very well. But the Siren call of the never-ending stream of online potential suitors is alluring. Interesting men regularly appear in your in-box winking, flirting, or emailing. At some point you have to decide whether to keep the “prize” you already have or exchange him for a tempting, but unknown, “prize.” Or at least he appears tempting behind the email veil. Occasionally, he’s a zonk.

    Of course that is why some of us multi-date. Then we can take a peek at both (or more) prizes simultaneously. You can see which one is most valuable (most like what you want) before you let go of the lessor-desirable one.

    I know, this is offensive to some people. They feel you don’t really give one guy a chance if you are seeing two (or more) concurrently. Some feel you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Some label a woman who multi-dates as slutty.

    Since I do it, I don’t think it’s offensive or slutty. It is a form of hedging your bets. A savvy gambler always hedges her bets so she is more likely to take home some winnings rather than wager on only one option and leave empty handed. Unless she feels it is a sure bet — which is when you decide a man has the potential to be a long-term partner. Then you don’t bet on others.

    Are you a “Let’s Make a Deal” type of dater? Do you balance two or more men to hedge your bets? If not, what is your feeling about those who do?

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