Do you need closure after you stop dating a guy? If you decide to end it with him, do you feel better if you let him know, rather than not returning calls or emails? If he decides to end it, do you want to have a final conversation, not just get an email or him going poof?
It seems more women than men I’ve spoken to want closure. My women friends want to know why or at least have a conversation that allows them to say (or hear), “You are terrific. I just don’t feel we’re a match.”
I have a high need for completion, which is true in every aspect of my life. I like closure. I don’t like things left dangling. However, with dating, some guys just disappear, not returning emails or phone calls. So I make up my own closure. Often I just tell myself, “Oh well. We obviously aren’t a match. Next!” That allows me to let go more easily and move on to the next guy in queue.
If you are like me, rather than obsessing about what went wrong and why he doens’t call, see what you can tell youself to release any feelings of disappointment and resentment and just move on. Some people find it useful to write the guy a letter telling him what you want to say but not sending it.
How can you complete a relationship even if it is just within your own mind?
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Comments
6 responses to “What’s your need for closure?”
Closure! Or, at least an ending.
Hi DG. I wrote you sometime ago, telling you about my so called relationship, that went “poof” after over a year and a half. I asked you about what to do, after I wondered what to do, after he just disappeared, and youi gave me some great information. I not only used the information you gave me, to post my story, to let others know about what happened to me, which gave me a voice and a forum to say what I needed to say, but I’ve also written him a goodbye email, letting him know how I feel about how he ended our relationship. I was civil but I let him know what I thought about how he wasn’t man enough to tell me the truth, chosing instead to lie and hide behind some false reason, by using a serious medical condition as an excuse. Anyone that would go to such lenjths, by lying about their health, going to the extreme of stating they only have a few years to live, then you find out they are not only well, but have posted themselves on another dating site, looking for fresh dates, needs to know how their actions, their lies, hurt and confuse others. No one has the right to use anyone, especially by using a serious medical condition to hide behind. I’m sure he doesn’t care about my email, but it gave me closure and I can now move on, with a positive outlook. Thank you for your forum.
I find the “moving on” part so easy to say and incredibly hard to do. After I have opened my heart to someone and established a relationship, it’s extremely painful to have them just evaporate. Of course, I’m not talking about someone who is a casual date, but even then I do get stuck on the “whys” of things when things don’t work out. I guess I also have a fair amount of sadness having picked yet another coward out of the bunch!
In line with closure, what are some of the great lines we can tell ourselves so our self-esteem doesn’t take an undeserved beating? “He just wasn’t that into me” hasn’t made me feel much better, but I know Dating Goddess has some good, no-fault lines such as the one for the guy who simply preferred a different body type. Overall, if we’re strong enough to put ourselves out there in the risky scary dating world, we should be able to find ways to bounce back much more quickly when something ends, since it’s all part of the process. Any ideas?
I am still getting over a three and a half-month relationship which ended with my guy leaving town and going back to his estranged wife from hell (he had nothing good to say about her & they were in the process of a divorce). My level head (which apparently went out the door after meeting him) told me to NOT date a married man. During our courtship, he got embroiled with a nasty custody fight with his first ex who wanted the daughter he was raising. I think that had a lot to do with why he went back to the estranged wife who did not treat his daughter nor him well. It looked better to a court maybe as far as custody goes, but he also did not have the guts to tell me this face-to-face. His sister finally called me and told me what had happened. She also had had a falling out with him as she was helping to raise this daughter and I believe she and her brother argued about money among other issues. She has not spoken to him either since he left town in mid-May. While I continue to tell myself that I dodged a bullet, I still feel bad that things didn’t work out differently for me. Now, I have some enormous trust issues going on which is preventing me from meeting and dating men who might be eligible. The guy I’m currently talking to (and have met once) has only been out of his long-term relationship a couple months but continues to take phone calls from the ex. So, I am dealing with more paranoia and uncertainty once again. I’m backing away from this one before I get hurt like the one before. Too many men claim that they are “over” their ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, but they need “healing time” just like women do. Most are not willing to admit it though.
You are on target. Stay away from those who aren’t complete with their exes. That takes time for all of us, whether we can admit it or not.
You are wise to not want to get involved further with this new guy. Gently release him and move on to someone who is more emotionally available.