Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • Expressing your upset with your guy

    When conflict occurs in a personal relationship, it’s easy to blame the other. In my communication seminars I teach a 4-step method* for telling someone you’re upset with something they’ve done or said.

    The second step is “Express how you feel.” We give the participants the sentence stem, “When you …, I feel ….” Even after explaining that the “I feel” part is for you to express your emotion —psychic frustrated, upset, sad, disrespected, disappointed, etc. — people typically tend to twist this into blaming: “I feel you don’t really care what I want,” “I feel you’re lazy,” “I feel you’re just not trying very hard.” This is called “mind reading” as you really don’t know what’s going on in the other person’s mind unless you ask. So unless you’re a psychic, avoid mind reading!

    A formula or technique can be easy to understand and easy to practice in a classroom role play. It’s quite another thing when you are in the heat of the moment with someone you care about. Your training and knowledge seem to easily fly out the window. It’s happened to me even though I teach the method! It can take all your focus to put into practice something you know well when you’re emotionally plugged in, as your ability is impaired to detach enough to search your knowledgebase and act calmly and rationally.

    So what to do? Ideally, when you find yourself getting too emotionally upset to think clearly, you express that you need to take a breather to compose your thoughts. Don’t just walk away or hang up, but explain what you’re doing. Again, I haven’t practiced what I preach 100% of the time and I am upset with myself when I don’t implement what I know works.

    The concept of taking a breather is called “buying time.” You tell him, “I want to resolve this, but I’m not thinking clearly now. I’m going to take a walk around the block and we can pick this up in 15 minutes.” It gives both of you a chance to think through what you’re feeling, how to express it and what you want to happen. Sometimes you may need a day or two. Let him know you aren’t just abandoning the conversation or bailing on him.

    Stating a reconvening time frame is important. Otherwise it is too easy to just go away and either not come back or pretend nothing has happened. Then the resentment just festers. It feels like this isn’t an important issue. And while it may not be important to one of you, if it’s important to the other it should be given attention from both out of respect for the one who brought it up.

    What have you found works when you’re having an emotionally charged conversation (e.g., fight) with the guy you’re dating?

    * The method is called the DESC Script. This stands for Describe, Express, Specify (what you want to happen), and Consequences (state what positive will happen if the change happens). This method was developed by Sharon and Gordon Bower.

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  • Are you sending (or receiving) mixed messages?

    stop goYou know what mixed messages are, but you may not be aware you’re sending them:

    • You tell the guy you’re dating you want to move slowly, yet you try to seduce him on the third date.
    • You claim you like to cook, but when you invite him over for a DVD you always ask him to pick up take out.
    • You say you want a committed relationship and are only interested in dating him, but your dating profile is still active.
    • You tell him he’s wonderful and are smitten by him, but you make no effort to introduce him to your friends.

    mixed messagesYou know how important words are. And you know how important actions are. But when words and actions don’t match, we believe the actions. In college, studying non-verbal communication, we learned that good trial attorneys are trained to notice a witness’ body language to discern if they were telling the truth or not.

    So are you being congruent with your words and actions? Or is there a gap?

    And what if he is sending mixed signals:

    • He tells you how much he cares for you, but you hear from him only once a week. A lack of action (he doesn’t call) is really an action (other things are taking his attention and priority).
    • He says he really likes being with you, but he only asks you out once a week for midweek dates.
    • He expresses how hot you are and how much he’s attracted to you but he doesn’t touch you nor try to kiss you, even after several dates.

    Something is amiss.

    If you become aware of your own inconsistencies between words and actions, sit down with a friend, counselor or note pad and ask yourself what’s going on. Conflicting words and behaviors often exemplify conflicting attitudes.

    • You think you should like him because all your friends say he’s a nice guy. But you are always late to dates with him, even though you’re punctual in all other areas of your life. Part of you doesn’t really want to go out with him.
    • You’re saying what you think would make him happy, or more attracted to you, but what you’re saying isn’t true. Knowing he has kids you say, “I love kids” even though you don’t like being around them much.
    • Part of you tells you that you should behave a certain way, or “women your age” should act a particular way. You are toned and fit, yet you wear matronly clothing and old-fashioned hair and make up because you don’t want to appear too sexy.

    And if it’s he who’s sending the clashing communications, gently point them out and ask him about it. He may get defensive or deny the incongruence. If he does, he’s probably hiding something.

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  • Removing your mask

    maskMost of us wear a mask, presenting ourselves as we want people to perceive us, not only in dating but in life. We decide how much and how soon to reveal our true selves based on the connection and trust we have with another. If we are feeling safe enough to let our hair down, we reveal our authentic selves, warts and all. Sometimes this occurs soon after beginning dating; other times it takes a while, depending on if we feel we’ll still be loved no matter how odious we feel our real self is.

    This mask can protect vulnerabilities about which you feel shame or embarrassment — behaviors you know aren’t pretty. It can be withholding opinions or observations that you think the other won’t take well, but they are part of your truth about him or the relationship. People can live with someone for years before letting their true self be seen. At that point, their mate may say, “This is not the person I married” and feel betrayed, duped, or happy with the person who has emerged.

    With new relationships, we want our best self to appear. We know how to behave so he wants to hang around us (assuming we want to be around him!). But as you get to know each other, your guard is dropped and you start behaving less than perfectly. You feel it’s okay, as you’ve learned to trust him and believe he will continue to be attracted to you.

    How fast is too fast to remove this mask? How far is too far? As you remove your mask, you may cross a boundary that the other feels is unacceptable. You may reveal bitchiness, judmentalness, emotionality, or cynicism. Each couple has to learn each person’s boundaries and know how to communicate calmly and kindly when the boundary is crossed.

    Much of how the communication will be received is in timing and voice tone. While you may feel you are being clear, he feels patronized. He thinks he’s just being direct and you feel chastised. As absurd as it might sound, you may want to set up some ground rules — or boundaries — about how to communicate when your boundaries have been crossed. If your letting your true thoughts be known includes making comments that he doesn’t appreciate, you need to agree on a way he can tell you that. If he makes cracks about things that are sensitive to you, you need to be able to tell him without getting angry, defensive, or crying.

    Just like with a Halloween costume, the mask can be more attractive or more hideous than what’s underneath. But I’d rather know — and let him see — the real self, rather than waiting months — or years. Only then, can you make an informed decision whether the true person is someone you want to be with or not.

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  • What do you think your date’s car says about him?

    Some women judge a man by his car. If he drives an expensive car, she assumes he’s financially sound. But he could be hocked up to his eyeballs to pay for it.

    BoxsterAnd men think a cool car equals sexiness. I met a potential suitor for coffee whose screen name was “Boxster.” I watched him drive away — in his SUV. Maybe his Boxster was his other car — the one he drives when he wants to impress a date! Or maybe he chose that name hoping to entice women.

    A man often poses next to his (or assumedly his) cool car and posts the pic on his online profile. One man showed himself next to a hot sports car. However, on closer inspection, the car was in a dealer’s showroom! So either he had his pic taken while car shopping or he sold cars for a living.

    CabrioletA dating friend has two cars — a Toyota Echo and a convertible Mercedes Cabriolet. On a first date, he purposefully drives the Echo. He says if his date makes a negative comment or seems put off by his wheels, that’s the last date.

    For several months I dated a man who owned 5 cars — just for him. I joked that he could match his car to his outfit. But he drove the car that matched his mood. We most often went out in his Cadillac, sometimes the Oldsmobile, and only once in his $150,000 limited-edition Mercedes, which he saved mostly for driving to business meetings. But when alone, he most often drove the beat up Buick with ripped upholstery.

    A gal pal told me her current beau owns nine cars.

    What is it with men and cars? I’ve owned two cars at one time, but one was to be a gift to my niece when she turned 16. I understand that part of men’s infatuation with cars has to do with phallic symbolism, especially for sports cars. And that a high-end car supposedly advertises success. And this car-equals-prowess goes back to high school when shallow girls thought a guy was hotter when he drove a cool car.

    But evidentially midlife women are still impressed with some cars, and thus the men who drive them. I admit I notice if a man’s car is clean and well kept. And yes, sporty cars are fun. Yet if a man isn’t appealing, his car isn’t going to turn that around. And if a man is alluring, it doesn’t really matter what make or model he drives.

    What do you think about what your date drives?

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  • Long-distance dating pros and cons

    mapSome people set no distance requirements on potential suitors. One DG reader shared she was romanced by a guy half way around the world for over two years! (They never met and he went poof one day.)

    Other people have ridiculously short distance requirements. Some men list 10 miles as their dating radius in their dating profiles. Unless you live in New York City, I think it this is too small. An hour’s drive seems reasonable to me.

    Throughout my 2.5 years of post-divorce dating, I was always clear I didn’t want a long-distance relationship. Even thinking that, I’ve been entranced enough with four of the 75 men to explore dating them. With three of the four, I spent hours on the phone with them, often talking every day for up to several months before meeting. Two I never saw after one date, and one I saw 3 times before he went poof.

    And now I find myself in a 600-mile relationship. Why? Because he’s a great, loving, smart, romantic, thoughtful guy. The distance has its pros and cons. Here’s what I’ve found so far:

    long-distance datingPros:

    • Because you aren’t seeing each other frequently, you appreciate each other more.
    • You plan special activities for when you are together.
    • You spend compressed time together, so can get close fast.
    • You send each other love notes/emails to keep the passion alive. More so than if you were within a short driving distance.
    • You plan special romantic gestures to show the person you care after the visit — notes tucked in luggage or left on the refrigerator, chocolate hidden under the covers.
    • Hellos and goodbyes are particularly sweet.
    • You build up anticipation of spending time with your special guy.
    • If you have a busy life, you can consolidate your dating into a few days a week/month/quarter rather than allotting time each week.
    • You have plenty of time to see friends, work out, and participate in hobbies in between sweetie visits, so you don’t feel you’re cutting out activities you like while developing a relationship.

    Cons:

    • Easier to misinterpret things over the phone and email when the body language and facial expression are missing.
    • If one of you is exhausted, sick or has to unexpectedly work, your together time is compromised. The person doing the travel may resent spending time and money to visit but not having the other’s full attention.
    • Cost of traveling.
    • Because of the compressed time (spending 2-3 days together nearly 24/7), you can move faster than you might if you saw each other in short few-hour spurts.
    • Waiting too long between visits can strain the bond.
    • Built-up expectations create unreasonable fantasies. We all have warts, but when you don’t see someone regularly, you imagine them as perfect. When the warts show up it’s shocking.
    • Resentments can fester if a special effort isn’t made to talk about them.
    • Might be tempting to see others.

    On one hand, long-distance dating takes more effort. In addition to traveling to see one another, you need to take special effort to keep in touch on more than a superficial level in between. However, some relationships thrive on having a little time and space between the pair. I think it is easier if you have an already established relationship where circumstances require you to be apart for a few months or year. When developing a relationship, however, you both have to be clear the effort is worth it.

    What have you found are the pros and cons of long-distance dating?

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  • Turn your liabilities into assets

    Your Most Priceless PossessionYears ago I led a seminar on how to have a positive attitude at work. In the text, Attitude: Your Most Priceless Possession, author Elwood Chapman suggests employing the “Flipside Technique.”

    The concept is to take something not commonly considered good and reframe it as a positive, injecting a dose of humor when necessary. We’ll explore how to practice this in midlife dating, as most women have trouble moving past what they see as their flaws. (See “Are you describing yourself compellingly?“)

    Let me give you some non-dating examples first.

    • In “I’m glad dating is hard” I shared how motivational speaker Art Berg was grateful he broke his neck as it made him reach deep for inner resources he might not have otherwise tapped. He used humor in his talks to illustrate how he learned to stretch beyond what he thought was possible.
    • VW BeetleVintage VW Beetle commercials promoted how small is beautiful, how economical Beetles were, and how the diminutive car was perfect for those who didn’t march in lockstep with everyone else. One ad’s caption said, “It makes your house look bigger.” Another, “Live below your means.” It took what would be considered drawbacks — smallness, low price and ugliness — and turned them into assets.
    • Southwest AirlinesSouthwest Airlines turned no frills — including no meals nor reserved seats — into a competitive advantage. Their ads and staff approach their limitations with humor and fun. It allows them to keep their prices low, which they tout in their marketing.
    • A client of mine, the facilities department for a large company, is working on fun ways to counter complaints they can do little about. They can’t make everyone happy about office temperature. So we’re playing with designing posters that suggest the top 10 things to do if you’re too hot in your office, such as wearing your bathing suit at work, soaking your feet in a tub of ice and using the company phone directory as a fan.

    How can you apply this to midlife dating? Take what you think of as a liability and turn it into asset

    • Overweight — More of me to love. I’ll enjoy dining with you, not pick at my food.
    • Wrinkles — I enjoy life and laugh a lot.
    • Kids — A ready-made excuse to go to the zoo, amusement parks, county fairs, and animated films.
    • Limited time to date — You’ll get my focus when we’re together, and the anticipation of seeing each other will make our time even sweeter.
    • Health or physical challenges — We can slow the pace so we can savor life rather than dashing hither and yon.

    What do you consider a liability and how could you Flipside it? Share your examples.

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  • Does he “get” you?

    The dictionary has many meanings for the word “get.” This discussion is about the informal term for “understand.” But I think “get” goes beyond just understanding.

    Larry WingetMy friend author/speaker Larry Winget gave me a high compliment one day: “You’re one of the few people who really get me” he said after a conversation about his work and life philosophy.

    A colleague and I were discussing how some colleagues were misinterpreting my motivations for an action. He said, “They don’t really get you.”

    We all want a mate who understands us and “gets” us. While “understand” and “get” are used interchangeably, many of us interpret “get” with a deeper meaning. In discussing this with my friend Ken, I shared that a distinction for me is if understanding is followed by action, then s/he “gets” it/me. In other words, if someone “gets” you they show it in some action.

    In the examples above, Larry felt I “got” him because I could discuss his work and his ultimate motivations and philosophies behind why he does what he does. My colleagues didn’t “get” me because they misinterpreted my motivations negatively.

    Here’s another example. I know my favorite auntie likes to talk to me every two weeks. I could simply let her call me every other week. But I “get” her, so I put it on my calendar to call her every other week. She is delighted to hear from me and knows I’m thinking of her and want to show her I care.

    My sweetie “gets” me like no man before him. A little example: He knows it’s important for me that we make contact each day, so he sends me a “Good morning, Goddess” email for me to read first thing. I respond, as I know it’s important for him to hear from me as well. And we talk at least once to check in. Sometimes I send him a “Good morning” email before I go to bed so he’ll have a message from me when he awakens. We are learning how to show the other we “get” them.

    I think “getting” someone takes time. “Getting” someone can include learning what they like, how they think, what motivates them, what their wounds and triggers are, and what actions show you care. In “Do you love how he loves you?” we explored how to discuss how you show and feel love. When you “get” someone you’re dating, you work to give them what that will make them happy and reduce the actions that will trigger sadness or upset.

    What is the distinction of “get” for you? How do you know if the guy you’re dating “gets” you? And how do you know if you “get” him?

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  • Which character exemplifies your dating style?

    Several years ago women were regularly overheard talking about which “Sex and the City” character they were most like. I could never decide, as I saw some of each ofCarrie Bradshaw them in myself. And while my blog writing has been compared to Carrie Bradshaw’s, I’m older than she. My musings are more like Carrie 15 years later, when she’s divorced from Big, no longer fits in her size 2 Versace gowns, has shelved her Manolo Blahniks because they pinch and finds it’s not as easy getting a guy to buy her Cosmopolitans at a trendy bar. (For the record, I never had any of the above — except the divorce.)

    Sex and the CityThe other characters had obvious appeal as well: Charlotte’s perpetual romanticism, Miranda’s pragmatism and Samantha’s overt sexuality (we won’t call it sluttiness). And they all had (mostly) great clothes and fabulous shoes!

    These women made the singles life seem so alluring. They sashayed in designer clothes for a night on the town. Handsome men flocked to flirt with them, buy them drinks and perhaps dinner. Maybe they had a fling with some of these hotties. Maybe they dated one for a while. Seldom did they give their heart to one.

    Although we witnessed the ups and downs of their relationships, rarely was there much relationship trauma. When a man went “poof” — as Carrie’s boyfriend Berger did via a Post-It Note breakup — there was sadness. In fact, Carrie suffered more than the others after her breakups. With a few exceptions, most trysts ended with neither party seeing the other again, both vanishing in the City’s throbbing singles scene.

    desperate housewivesNow let’s examine women closer to our age: “Desperate Housewives.” Just like the gals from “Sex and the City,” each woman has her own approach to relationships. Again, I see some of myself in each of them. All but Lynette Scavo have been with at least one man on the show. They have less fabulous wardrobes (except Gabby’s), and fewer sexual partners (except for Edie), but they have some of the same issues about relationships that their slightly younger fictitious sisters do.

    Golden GirlsDo you notice a pattern in the archetypes these women portray? Even if we go back to “Golden Girls,” we see the patterns repeated. There is a loose one (Samantha, Edie, and Blanche), a pragmatic one (Miranda, Lynette, and Dorothy), and a “nice” one (Charlotte, Susan, and Rose). And a fourth — or fifth — to add a dimension not covered by the others.

    Have you identified which archetype you relate to most? Or are you a combination of several? And what does this say about your dating style? Do you like who you’re being on dates, or would you like to mix things up a bit? Are you usually as controlled as Bree, but would like to add a little Samantha to the mix? Or are you down-to-earth like Susan, but would like to be spoiled Gabby-like more often?

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  • The money talk

    My 63-year-old gal pal has been dating her 70-year-old boyfriend a few years. They recently returned from a fabulous vacation. I asked her how they worked out expense sharing.

    heart moneyShe said since he makes significantly more than she does, he pays for hotel, dinners, and other large expenses. She buys breakfasts and simple lunches. She may pay her air fare, but when they are first discussing the trip if she doesn’t feel she can afford it, she tells him. If it’s something he really wants to do and wants her company, he’ll pay all or part of her air fare, too.

    I asked how this evolved. She said that they talked about it in the beginning and have just worked it out as each case came up. Her beau is not a wealthy man, but is working and has wildly variable income. When he’s flush, he’s very generous. When he isn’t, they don’t do as many luxurious things.

    They live in different cities. He comes to see her more often than she to him. She cooks nearly all meals when he’s at her place, so they figure that evens things out a bit. They may go out once or twice when he visits and he generally picks up the tab.

    It interests me to understand how dating couples work out financial details especially after dating for a few months. When my ex and I dated, neither of us had much money. We’d take turns buying dinner and a movie. And we didn’t do anything that was costly. After we were married, we generally split everything 50/50, although if I was having a good year and he wasn’t, I’d subsidize our vacations. This never happened in reverse.

    moneyWhen I’ve gone out with affluent men, I’ve not made a big deal out of taking turns buying dinners. I tended to buy the movie if he bought dinner, or invited him to my house for dinner. In “Are you stingy in dating?” I shared that even well-off men like it when a woman offers to buy him coffee or an ice cream cone once in a while. And if a man had an income similar to mine, I’d tell him I’d like to take turns buying dinner or lunch so it was more balanced.

    In “Go dutch or accept your date’s offer to treat?” we discussed some people’s tendancy to insist on going dutch when dating. The effect is not always a positive one. The same is true when nothing has been said about your treating ahead of time and the check comes. Your date picks it up and you snatch it out of his hand. It often leaves him feeling emasculated.

    How have you worked this out when you’ve dated someone longer than a few months? Have you discussed it explicitly, or let it happen in the moment?

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  • How are you about receiving gifts from your guy?

    HornblowerIt’s my birthday! Since my sweetie’s work week ends at noon today he’s flying in this afternoon to take me on a dinner/dance cruise and spend his “weekend” with me. But you already know how thoughtful he is. (See “The art of wooing is not dead.”)

    The other day he told me he’d been shopping for my birthday gift. I’d forgotten to tell him that his presence was my present as he was already spending a lot on air fare. But he wanted to give me something I could hold — besides him!

    The other reason I wanted to dissuade him from gift giving — but it was too late — is I’m hard to buy for. Dates and beaus have given me “safe” gifts of flowers, books, stuffed animals, etc. I appreciated their thoughtfulness even if I wasn’t always thrilled with the gift itself. But I still liked how generous the guy was to not only think of giving me a gift, but to follow through.

    Gift giving was usually traumatic in my childhood and marriage, so I still have some baggage around it. While I try to be Zen about it now and appreciate whatever I get — or nothing — it can still be a sore spot. In the past, I felt invisible babydollwhen my family gave me gifts that had nothing to do with me. Several Christmases I locked myself in the bathroom crying after gift opening when I looked at my gifts and there was nearly nothing that I had requested or wanted. I rarely played with baby dolls, but my mother gave me one each birthday and Christmas until I was 14! She loved them — I didn’t. My older brother bought me albums he wanted, my older sister would buy clothing that she could borrow.

    My ex was no better, although not as self-focused in his gift giving. His first gift was a tiny pendant he’d bought on a business trip a few months after we began dating. Now, I’m a tall woman, 5’10” and not waif like, but not zaftig. I wear large earrings and necklaces to match my frame. This pendant would be like an ant on me — completely unnoticeable. I thanked him and put it in my jewelry box to remind me of his thinking of me, but I never wore it.

    steamer trunkSo you see, I enter this gift-receiving arena with trepidation — and steamer-trunk sized baggage.

    Of course, I don’t think I’m hard to buy for! (Do we ever see that in ourselves?) Only after my ex and I had many discussions about it did I come to see that my taste was challenging for him. My point of view was, “It would be easy if he just opened his eyes and looked and listened!” Hints were all around him. I am a football fan. Did he ever buy us tickets to a game? No, he bought me a life-sized cardboard cutout of my team’s quarterback. I collect colored depression glass. Might he have gone to an antique store or eBay and rounded out my collection? I frequently play my favorite recording artists. Did I ever get one of their latest CDs? You know the answer to these questions.

    And if he’d just opened his eyes, he would have noticed I wear larger jewelry, not ant-sized pendants. I’m sure whatever my sweetie gives me today will be based on his observations of things I like and that I will like it.

    So my question to you is, how are you when a beau gives you a gift for a significant occasion? Even if you graciously receive it in the moment, if it isn’t on target, do you let him know? And what do you do then — stuff it in the closet, take it back, or re-gift it? If he’s around your place much, he’ll notice it isn’t prominently displayed, used or worn. Then what?

    And if this mis-gifting happens repeatedly, do you do what I’ve done in the past and make it mean that he isn’t paying attention to you? Or do you just accept whatever is given as a token of his affection?

    godiva(And, dear readers, Godiva is always appreciated, even as a belated birthday gift. I’ll gladly email my address to anyone who wants to send along a pound or two. <g>)

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  • Do men want feisty women?

    Apolo Anton OhnoI’ve recently become addicted to “Dancing with the Stars.” I know, I’m slow to join the onslaught of rabid fans. What pushed me over the top was Apolo Anton Ohno. What a luscious man! Although he’s only 24, one can still drool, yes? I got so enamored, I spent the evening watching this season’s previous DWTS shows at abc.com.

    Leila AliWatching so many shows at once I noticed a theme emerge in the behind-the-scenes interviews with the dancers. The women, at least the ones who have stayed in the game, all are strong, confident, and feisty. No surprise here for this highly-competitive sport. But the woman who stands out for me is Leila Ali, who as a boxing champion one would expect to be strong willed and gutsy. But she mixes it with a sensuality, gracefulness, and allure that have many men’s mouths on the floor.

    Since many (most?) of my dating gal pals are also spirited, self-assured and spunky, it made me wonder if this was a guy magnet or repellent. While many men are drawn to Leila’s beauty and sexuality, is their infatuation only in fantasy form? Or would they actually be drawn to women like that in real life? Since Leila is engaged, she’s obviously found a man who likes her mixture of strength and sensuality.

    Many men are intimidated by feisty women. And as more women have made our way on our own, either through divorce, widowhood, or life-long singledom, we’ve had to be strong to survive. Sometimes that strength overrides softness or femininity. We forget how to be sensual. Leila is a great role model for how to exude the perfect balance.

    Feisty WomenMy friend Ava Diamond wrote a powerful book called Great Quotes from Feisty Women. She says, “A feisty woman is vibrant, gusty, lives boldly, is true to herself, and embraces her power as a woman.” Does this sound like you?

    What do you think about feisty women and dating? Is it easier or harder for them?

    This posting was #72 of the global blog host WordPress’s top 100 posts of the day. So of all the millions of postings to the blogs WordPress hosts, this posting was the 72nd most popular. Cool!

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