Do you both have the same dating rhythm?

I had an epiphany today. It began with my being flummoxed that I hadn’t heard from Dreamboat after our dinner date Wed. where we decided we wanted to see each other again. We’d emailed a brief “had a great time with you” the next day and that was the last I’ve heard from him.

Perhaps I’m spoiled. But usually after a talk like “I want to see you again” I hear from the man within a day or two wanting to set up the next outing.

Based on my experience of him last year, I knew not to put all my beaus in one basket. So I continued emailing a man who’d contacted me early last week. He’d emailed me every day, and called Sat. to set up a coffee meeting for this Tuesday. In the emails he asked if I liked the theater, opera, hiking, and what kind of restaurants I liked. He suggested some outings and after our call, emailed that he’s looking forward to meeting me.

My epiphany was people have different rhythms in dating. Some think once/week contact is fine, others like daily emails and/or calls. Some like to go out once a week, others like two or three encounters each week. Some like it when you make plans in advance, ohters like spontaneous encounters.

I think it would be a good idea to clarify your preferences with someone once you decide you both want to start seeing each other. Otherwise you can be disappointed if they don’t naturally fall into your desired pattern of contact.

But since I have just had this epiphany, I haven’t actually tried this idea. I’m not sure when one would actually bring up this conversation. It might seem awkward on the first date, unless you are really being honest with each other about what you want in a relationship.

I like that the new guy is making regular contact, probing to find out what activities I’d like, and saying nice things. This may sound so “Duh” to you, but my experience is not many guys do this. I like that he seems to “get” dating. He seems to understand that dating can be more than just getting together for take out and a DVD, or dinner and a movie. While I haven’t even met the guy yet, I already like his rhythm.

So how do you broach the subject of expectations when first dating? Or have you had a guy broach it first?

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7 responses to “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?”

  1. sginjersey Avatar

    DG–I’m someone who likes a lot of contact and have apparently scared off some women who felt it was too much too soon. I’m talking about talking/e-mailing/texting every other day after initial contact and dating for the first time. That didn’t seem like I was smothering or stalking, but you’re definitely correct in saying this is a sensitive issue for many people. Now I try to be straightforward and find out subtly how often she likes to stay in touch. Someone who only wants to talk once a week probably wouldn’t be my type anyways…

  2. Jeff Mac Avatar
    Jeff Mac

    As a guy, I can tell you how it is usually broached for me — it usually happens about 2 minutes into the call after the call that I SHOULD have made, but did not.

    If I like her, I of course feel terribly guilty, and I make a mental note to attempt to correct whatever I did/didn’t do.

    If we’re already not a great match, well, this gets me off the fence, and I start to plot my exit as I think, “Oh yeah. I guess I really am not all that motivated to call her. Wonder why…”

    Interesting idea, DG — to head this issue off at the pass even before anybody needs to get yelled at!

  3. nysharon Avatar

    I think you are right, a day or two you should hear from him unless there is something catistrophic going on for him. Conversation about these things up front are silly, and patience is the best course. He is not too concerned that some one else may snap you up/book your time and that is a yellow flag. I think if some one likes you, there should be some discussion over the next week about when you are available again to get together. Or he could be a game player or emotionally unavailable or just plain clueless (and do we want that at this stage of our life?). If in your situation, I would probably email him in a day or two and give him some information on your availability/schedule and see if he takes the bait. If he doesn’t put it aside. You deserve better.

    PS. I think you are right about the different rhythms of dating though. I personally can only date one or two times a week due to my life, but the calling and contact is different.

  4. Lulu Avatar

    I think Jeff Mac has given us the archetypal male response – he reacts to the woman’s sense of what feels right, and he either pulls away or sticks with it, depending on how he feels about the woman. Keeping in contact with someone you are becoming emotionally involved with is second nature – if it’s lacking, the relationship isn’t working because someone doesn’t care enough. When I look around at couples in committed relationships in my own social circle, they instinctively contact each other daily, if not more, when they’re not together. Not because they have to, but because it feels totally natural.

  5. hunter Avatar

    ……nysharon,,,, you made me smile,,,,,, when I read what you said, “or just plain clueless”. We are all over, there must be hundreds of us this way….hhhmmmmmmh, how funny! Most men don’t ask about dating procedure, and when we do, very few have the patience to respond. Hmmmh, lol!

  6. […] Dating Goddess wrote a really interesting post about people having different “dating rhythms.” Could be the situation here. One of you doesn’t need the phone to feel like […]

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