People often use the phrase, “He made me feel (bad, stupid, ugly, fat, angry, good, sexy, pretty).” The truth is, no one makes you feel anything. You choose to feel that way. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one makes you feel inferior without your consent.” And that goes for any other emotion.
However, you can react to someone in a way that you don’t like. He triggers something in you and you then respond a certain way — a way you don’t like. It is still a choice of how to behave, but sometime he sparks something so ingrained in you it doesn’t feel like you have a choice.
One of the checks for whether I want to be with a guy is how I behave around him. Do I like how I’m being? Or does he elicit behavior in me I don’t like — bitchiness, judgmental, pettiness, anger, irritation, manipulation. If I don’t like how I’m being, of course I can change. But that takes work. I want to be naturally giving, loving, caring, silly, relaxed, and honest. If these behaviors come easily, I know I want to spend more time with him. If I have to fight off the negative behaviors, he’s probably not for me.
Of course, negative triggers are sometimes good as they give you a chance to become aware of old patterns and tapes and work through the original wound. But if you’re continually acting in ways you don’t like or respect or aren’t proud of, time to move on. And maybe get some counseling along the way to see why you’d attract and invite someone into your life who treats you in a way that you respond in ways you don’t like. And to heal that old wound.
But if you find yourself being the kind of person you want to be then keep him around. His behavior allows you to be your best in his presence.
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Oh my God DG!!! You totally described my situation… I am divorcing my husband because I don’t the Janet when I am with him. He brought out the worst in me, namely; bitchiness, judgmental, pettiness, anger, irritation, and manipulation. I kept seeing this Janet who I don’t like to be around with myself. And I certainly do not want my daughter growing up watching this side of me. Because I know deep down inside, I am not that kinda of person.
So when I told him that is how I felt, he said the same thing as well, I chose to behave that way… But your post on this is so true!!! He triggers that side of me and resulted in me behaving that way when I am with him.
It is really time for me to move on. I think it will do both of us good. He was in denial but someone gotta pull the plug right?
I am in complete agreement with this sentiment when it comes to dating relationships, but surely its a tougher situation if these issues arise after being married for a while. I’m sure Janet didn’t want to come across that way, but it seems like she is blaming her ex for her own behavior and using that as justification for bailing on a marriage. No mention of trying therapy, etc. Hard to tell the full story in a short post…
I really liked this article, since I’m new to the dating scene. I ended a relationship after 8 weeks, because I saw some of my old patterns, especially not speaking up when something bothered me. I now realize that if I’m avoiding hurting somebody elses feelings that I’m most certainly going to hurt mine. I’m spending a little more time trying to understand me when I feel at my best–and maybe someday I’ll pull it off with single men.
I’m saddened to read “Janet says” comments. I agree with what “M says” that this is good advice for dating, but not for marriage–especially a marriage that includes a child. Divorce is crushing for a child.
It took my divorce to realize that I brought out the worse in me, not anyone else.