Are you clear on how much you like to weekly participate in activities with a sweetie? How much alone time do you want/need? How much time do you want weekly/monthly to spend with your friends and/or family without him? And when you’re with your guy, optimally how many times a week do you want to do something out, versus at home?
Many online dating personality assessments ask your activity preferences. An example:
Do you prefer to go out
1) Once per week
4) Every night is party night
Other questions focus on specific physical activities. I’ve deleted guys’ profiles based on their saying they spend all their free time running marathons, climbing mountains, SCUBA, mountain biking, back-country skiing, working out and playing team sports. I get tired just reading about all this physical activity! While I’m not a slug, I’m also not an iron woman.
When you’re beginning to date someone, one of the first questions to ask is “What do you like to do for fun?” Of course, what one likes to do is often different than what you actually do. Men have told me they like to go to live theater, concerts, fine dining, wine tasting, dancing, first-run movies, lectures, comedy clubs, etc. However, when dating them, their idea of a “date” is to rent a DVD and get take out. Or occasionally dinner out and a movie. That’s it. I’ve been flummoxed at why a guy doesn’t make any effort to arrange for us to do what he says he likes to do.
One of my frustrations of being single is not having a ready-made activity partner. My friends are available for some activities, but most are coupled so have limited time to spend with buddies. I see first-run flicks once in a while with some gal pals. I like to see the world, try new things, re-experience old favorites, and I prefer to do those activities with friends, ideally a sweetie. Yes, there are organized activity groups, dance classes, ranger-led wildflower hikes, and other classes or singles-focused events. An experience is richer to me when I can discuss it with someone during and/or afterwards to share each others perspectives and insights.
Imagine my delight to find my sweetie likes to do — and initiates — fun stuff! In our 7 days together (he’s visited 3 times from out of state) over the last month we’ve:
- Picnicked and walked on the beach (twice, different beaches)
- Went square dancing
- Visited a blues club
- Taken a hike in a nearby regional park, along with a picnic
- Dined at a Japanese restaurant
- Played tourist in a nearby city
- Breakfasted out
- Walked in my neighborhood
- Cooked dinner together
- Viewed an indy flick at the local film festival
- And yes, snuggled on the coach in front of a fire and watched a DVD
And we also just kicked back, took naps and relaxed.
Soon I’ll visit him in for a week and he’s already planned:
- Visiting one of my friends for a horseback ride and dinner
- Attending his professional awards banquet and gala
- Viewing the local tulip festival
- Listening to a favorite local blues musician at a club
- Dining with his friends and his kids
- Watching a friend do his act at a comedy club
- Overnighting at his favorite beach inn
And he’ll be working 4 days during the week I’m there! If we lived in the same town, we would not try to cram so much in. But we like to make maximum use of our together time. So right now my activity needs are being met, both for frequency and variety, and with a fun, loving partner.
Does this sound like too much “doing” to you? Too little? Do you like variety, routine, or a mix?
When you know your activity frequency and variety desires, communicate them to your guy early on and see if you have similar wants. If he agrees with your preferences, yet doesn’t want to participate in ideas you offer, nor take initiative to do anything interesting, discuss the disconnect and see if he’s willing to step up — and out — a bit more.
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