Getting a man to fall for you

My friend Jeff Mac addressed an interesting question from one of his readers. She asked for the trick to getting a man to fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.

GandhiJeff had some good advice. And since I’m always willing to horn in on my fellow blogger’s questions, my answer is to paraphrase (with apologies) Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote: “We must become the change we want to see.”

My advice:

We must become the woman the man we desire wants to be with.

Now, before you get your Spanx in a knot, I’m not suggesting you become someone you’re not. Instead, become the woman who loves yourself so much (not in an arrogant way) that the man you desire can’t help but be drawn to you.

Women tend to be so down on themselves, always pointing out the few extra pounds they need to lose, or other “flaws,” or talking about the losers they’ve been dumped by —- all while on a date! This is not appealing. Have the confidence to show you like, really like yourself! And those who have similar feelings about themselves will come your way. Your self-assurance will magnetize men who love women confident women.

But how do you bolster faltering confidence? Work on the parts of yourself with which you aren’t completely happy. Don’t telegraph your insecurities to your date — at least in the beginning. Later, when you’ve built trust and are comfortable being vulnerable, you can share. But it is not alluring to hear someone continually point out their imperfections, especially when the other person doesn’t notice them, or if he does, they are inconsequential.

So what could you do to be even more of a man-you-desire magnet?

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9 responses to “Getting a man to fall for you”

  1. bookyone Avatar

    Hi DG,

    Wow, thanks, I really, really needed to read this. As one of those annoying self pitying types, I need to learn to break this habit, and soon, as I recently met a guy online that I really like, and I’d like him to like me in return and not pity me too much. The worst part? I’ve already burdened him with a catalog of my numerous physical and personal flaws. The best part? He’s cheered me up on these occasions by behaving like a bright, optimistic ray of sunshine. It’s hard for me to believe such a guy even exists, but he does, and that if he does that he’d be at all interested in me, but, for some odd reason, he is, and even if we’re not dating yet, we’re definitely relating and communicating as friends, and that, IMHO, is the most important thing.

    Now to do some inner work. I guess I’m wondering where to start? I have been diagnosed with BDD, so it’s not as easy as it might be for someone without my illness, but I’m certainly willing to try. It’s no fun beating yourself up on a regular basis, it’s wearying and painful and hurts more than anyone could ever imagine.

    Best wishes from bookyone 🙂

  2. Bar Advice Avatar

    Just wanted to say that the part about being confident is what will make the difference. Also people got to remember that everyone has their own preference so if you get shot down the first time just keep at it. You’re bound to hit the jackpot some time.

  3. Gatti Avatar

    When the verbally abusive ex told me to move out last summer one of the first things I did was get the good old NHS to fund me a season of cognitive behavourial therapy. I had a wonderful lady assigned to me and we started working on my battered self esteem. It was wonderful. She gave me pleasant assignments to do between sessions and I, knowing that I would have to do the work to heal, did them.

    During that time I also started to take very good care of my body, keeping it soft and tended. I would use a wonderfully scented body cream and pay myself extravagant compliments as I used it. Stuff like “Whoever gets you gets a jewel”.

    When I started dating I decided that I would use it as a way to have fun and to figure out who I was. Those years of contempt and put downs had put me out of touch with me and what I was like and what I liked.

    By the time I met the Sweetie I was ready for someone to love me because I was awfully darn fond of myself by then. I had a cute little house, work I was happy with, enough money, knew I was attractive and interesting.

    On my last session the therapist said she wished she had a movie of me when I first came to her and one of me on that last day. What a change!

    And in the months since, basking in the love, trust and delight of the Sweetie, I’ve come even farther. The cognitive behavourial therapy was key in helping me get myself back. And I’ve read that it’s often the best treatment for BDD (which I just Googled to find out more about it).

    Keep at it, Bookyone. I know all about beating oneself up. It so wonderful when you stop.

  4. bookyone Avatar

    Gatti, your story is inspiring. Unfortunately, I’ve got 20+ years of verbal and emotional abuse to work through, but I’m hoping one of these years I’ll feel comfortable in my own skin the way you do. 🙂

  5. hunter Avatar

    oh yes, I have struggled with saying, meaningful compliments about a woman’s figure, at some of the most fun times, only not to lose the moment……that is work, in a man’s mind, most of us cannot multitask, and then, they wonder why men get grumpy and tire out so easily…..

  6. sweetgal Avatar

    “Have the confidence to show you like, really like yourself! And those who have similar feelings about themselves will come your way!”

    Strongly agree with you. Anyone without confidence will lose his/her attraction.

  7. Gatti Avatar

    Oh, I could list all my faults and figure flaws right this minute, if I wanted to, which I don’t!

    Yes, I’d like to be thinner, have thicker hair, be less “jowly” (it’s the family face, not my fault!!!). (Oh, I just listed some of them, sorry!!!;) )

    But I’m the me I am right now, and that’s all right. And a really good man loves me just like I am right now and tells me so all the time.

    Our friends have told us, separately, how well we look and how happy and how good we must be for each other. That’s proof enough, I think!

  8. walt Avatar

    Well, like everything else, balance is important. Quiet confidence is good, but there is nothing worse than being on a date with a woman who is overly impressed with herself. Most annoying of all is a woman whose conversation revolves around the idea that she knows she’s beautiful (especially if she’s not), and the world should kiss her feet. Confession of an insecurity or two makes a woman seem human to me. However, there is never any need for a woman to discuss her physical flaws on a date with a man, because he can see for himself and make his own judgment.

  9. Gatti Avatar

    Funny, the verbally abusive ex used to go on and on about how stuck I was on myself and how all I did was say how great I was. And he almost never paid me a compliment. The Sweetie says I’m modest to a fault and I feel complimented, admired and extremely loved every day.

    One is right and one is wrong? Maybe, but I know which side of the fence I’m staying on!