Serendipitously, yesterday this profile appeared in my matches. It cracked me up so much that I wrote to him, even though I don’t think we’d be a perfect match. There were enough appealing things in his profile that this was a time humor tipped the balance in his favor and I was compelled to write.
His profile is headed “Personnel Ad”
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player sought for position of friend/companion for 47-year-old male. Use your superior communication and social skills to build a serious long-term relationship. Must be willing to work evenings and weekends. Some overnight travel may eventually be required including trips to visit relatives, occasional evaluations of bed and breakfast and other inns, environmental studies in national parks, and observation of foreign cultures.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This position calls for attendance at many long dinner meetings in fine restaurants. A hug and a kiss will be required after successful completion of such meetings where all objectives are clearly met. In addition, you must be prepared to hold hands everywhere. Long hours spent cuddling will be encouraged once you show competence in other areas of responsibility (especially the long dinners). You may be asked to discuss issues affecting our community locally, nationally, and internationally. An occasional game of cribbage or something similar with groups of friends may also be required.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. You will find that no previous experience will prepare you for this position. Enthusiasm for on-the-job training is a must. In addition, success in this position will require being serious only when absolutely necessary. It may help if you are a Democrat. The presence of children or future plans for them is not required, but will be considered a plus.
COMPENSATION: This is a volunteer position and includes no direct payment. In fact you may find there is nowhere near as much tea in China as you thought. Occasional gifts associated with certain recurring dates or events are included, but the exact time of distribution of such gifts will not be revealed in advance. This will start out as a temporary position, but should be approached with the potential to move into a permanent position as a desirable alternative.
BENEFITS: A tremendous benefits package is included. This includes homemade gourmet meals prepared exactly to your tastes, fresh picked roses from a beautiful formal rose and flower garden, among many other delights.
MISCELLANEOUS: This man is actively involved in his community and loves children of all ages. Kids rave about his macaroni with butter on the side. He has volunteered as a youth basketball coach, a Big Brother, and organized parties at family shelters. If you like to see things from a different perspective, this is your man. He has been observed yelling, “Hey box,” while driving past the little blue signs asking motorists to “Call Box.” He has an exceptional dust collection which he keeps in unusual places such as the tops of picture frames. He enjoys lots of social sporting activities such as volleyball and softball. He does not ski, but does have a cross country ski machine/clothes rack and drove through Tahoe once in the summer. He likes history and will tour anything old. He does not always follow the rules exactly.
What? A personal ad? Well that’s very different then. Never mind.