Hilarious example of a man’s “girlfriend job description”

Serendipitously, yesterday this profile appeared in my matches. It cracked me up so much that I wrote to him, even though I don’t think we’d be a perfect match. There were enough appealing things in his profile that this was a time humor tipped the balance in his favor and I was compelled to write.

His profile is headed “Personnel Ad”

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team player sought for position of friend/companion for 47-year-old male. Use your superior communication and social skills to build a serious long-term relationship. Must be willing to work evenings and weekends. Some overnight travel may eventually be required including trips to visit relatives, occasional evaluations of bed and breakfast and other inns, environmental studies in national parks, and observation of foreign cultures.

RESPONSIBILITIES: This position calls for attendance at many long dinner meetings in fine restaurants. A hug and a kiss will be required after successful completion of such meetings where all objectives are clearly met. In addition, you must be prepared to hold hands everywhere. Long hours spent cuddling will be encouraged once you show competence in other areas of responsibility (especially the long dinners). You may be asked to discuss issues affecting our community locally, nationally, and internationally. An occasional game of cribbage or something similar with groups of friends may also be required.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. You will find that no previous experience will prepare you for this position. Enthusiasm for on-the-job training is a must. In addition, success in this position will require being serious only when absolutely necessary. It may help if you are a Democrat. The presence of children or future plans for them is not required, but will be considered a plus.

COMPENSATION: This is a volunteer position and includes no direct payment. In fact you may find there is nowhere near as much tea in China as you thought. Occasional gifts associated with certain recurring dates or events are included, but the exact time of distribution of such gifts will not be revealed in advance. This will start out as a temporary position, but should be approached with the potential to move into a permanent position as a desirable alternative.

BENEFITS: A tremendous benefits package is included. This includes homemade gourmet meals prepared exactly to your tastes, fresh picked roses from a beautiful formal rose and flower garden, among many other delights.

MISCELLANEOUS: This man is actively involved in his community and loves children of all ages. Kids rave about his macaroni with butter on the side. He has volunteered as a youth basketball coach, a Big Brother, and organized parties at family shelters. If you like to see things from a different perspective, this is your man. He has been observed yelling, “Hey box,” while driving past the little blue signs asking motorists to “Call Box.” He has an exceptional dust collection which he keeps in unusual places such as the tops of picture frames. He enjoys lots of social sporting activities such as volleyball and softball. He does not ski, but does have a cross country ski machine/clothes rack and drove through Tahoe once in the summer. He likes history and will tour anything old. He does not always follow the rules exactly.

What? A personal ad? Well that’s very different then. Never mind.

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10 responses to “Hilarious example of a man’s “girlfriend job description””

  1. carol Avatar

    Eheheh! Cracks me up.

    Interpretation of his ad:

    “Hey, i am a guy who is not very generous and i would like to have around me a super high class hooker for FREE , who’ll pretend that i am worth a bunch in front of my people.

    As benefits you won’t be getting much, but hey, here is my descritpion. Am i boring or what?”

    This guy is or too funny or ….

  2. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Wow, Carol, I had a totally different interpretation of his ad. I read it as sweet and funny, not boring, or stingy at all. Guess that’s why different profiles appeal to different people.

  3. Nancy Avatar

    Aack! I found your blog through someone else’s blogroll, but I can’t recall which one. From where it was, I’m very happy to have found it. Eventhough I’m not in the slightest bit interested in dating, I am 47 and single, and so am able to appreciate the subject. I agree that the ad was funny and well done. I’m not sure how Carol came to her conclusion since the ad says the exact opposite of what she heard. Maybe I’m wrong, but I read it the same way you did.

    Now, whether he lives up to or not is another matter. 😉

  4. carol Avatar

    Well, i am 27 and i might understand things other way than you guys do.
    When i first read it, that was what crossed my mind…but it wasn’t meant to be taken as a serious answer.
    You can delete my comment if you wish, Goddess.

  5. Nancy Avatar

    Carol- I hope Dating Goddess won’t delete your comment. Why would someone delete a comment that simply says the writer interpreted things differently? JMO. In any case, I’m glad you wrote back. I really was interested in how we could see the post so differently. It’s really interesting to me to find out how to shift my understanding enough to see another person’s point of view.

    Me, I heard him say that he was interested in dating for potential LTR, not a one night anonymous craigslist encounter, and that he liked to do the sorts of wooing I would have scoffed at 20 years ago. But then I ended up marrying a tragic artist type who refused to celebrate my birthday in anyway because it made him sad that one day I’d die. So, now the only way a man could drag me out on a date is if he was going to at least pretend to worship the ground I walk on. 🙂

  6. carol Avatar

    Nancy, i have a strange humor sometimes so bear with me.
    When it comes about men, i like when they are direct. Like this we all know with whom we are dealing with.
    When a man plays with words, like this man we’re talking about, well…i can only make jokes about it. I can’t take him for serious because men like that usually end up disappointing a woman.
    How do i know? I’ve been there. I won’t generalize though…
    Oh well…i won’t go any further with that.
    Forgive me for being insensitive. I am not usually like that and i don’t hate men.
    I probably bash out now a man who actually is a good person and serious and i shouldn’t have answer with a joke…but i did.
    The ad itself is funny but all i can think is that he jokes with that.

    Now Nancy, you should never go on a date with a man who pretends he worhips the ground you walk, unless you intend to dumb him next day.
    We all know that we deserve better than that.
    If he end up pretending too good and you’ll believe it and like it…what then?
    What happens when he stops pretending?

    Thank you for reacting.

  7. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Hi Nancy and Carol:

    Good exchange! And Carol, no need to delete your comment. I found it interesting that we interpreted it so differently. Makes me wonder how men might negatively interpret my profile!

    Thanks for keeping the conversation lively.

  8. carol Avatar

    What do you mean with men interpreting negative your profile? Why would they?

    I need to know why you two are seeing his ad as sweet. (not the funny part).
    BTW, i didn’t found the ad to be boring.
    Maybe one of you will explain. Even better, both of you.

  9. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Hi Carol:

    I meant that if you and I can have such 180-degree interpretations of the guy’s ad, I’m wondering what guys would read as negative in my profile. Of course, I only hear from the ones who liked it.

    In the guy’s ad, he is saying he’d like to take his woman to B&Bs, national parks, dinners, etc. and is not just looking for a booty call. He’ll cook for you, giver her flowers, cuddle, hold hands — all the things that help melt a gal’s heart when they are actually done and not just talked about!

  10. carol Avatar

    Oh, don’t pay too much attention to what i said.
    I am not a romantic or very sentimental person, so i wouldn’t understand things like you do or Nancy does.
    Not trying now to take back what i said…but i don’t think that the guys would think like me. And you shouldn’t care about that if they are not on your wave.
    It doesn’t matter what a guy who doesn’t like the way you speak and think thinks about you.