When I’m smitten, or even in the beginning of a budding relationship, I think about the guy a lot.
“I wonder how his day is going. Should I text him?
“I should ask if he wants to come over for dinner Friday.”
“I need to ask him why his marriage broke up.”
“I think I’ll ask him to accompany to the party next weekend.”
This sort of incessant chatter fills my idle thoughts. I rarely have time to think of my other interests.
Since I’m between men now, I’ve noticed how creative I am and how much I get done because I’m thinking about projects. I come up with creative solutions and implement them. My mind isn’t filled with chatter about a guy.
I am creative and productive when I’m with a guy, but I find myself more so without one. Once my ex left and I got over my initial devastation, I noticed how much energy I had for my own goals and activities. A huge piece of that was my not giving a moment’s thought to what I would fix for dinner that he would like, how I could support him in his goals, or remembering to tell him of a book I thought he’d like.
No, I could be as self-absorbed as he had been! I could focus on only the items that interested me.
In mediation he said he didn’t think about me when I wasn’t in the room, I had an enormous epiphany of the inordinate time I spent thinking about him and what would make him happy. I’m not, generally, an overactive people pleaser. But early in our relationship, some sage relationship mentor said the key to a happy relationship was to focus on making the other person happy. If both of you did that, your relationship would never get stale. I took this on wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, he did not.
So now I find myself focusing on only what would make me happy. It frees up my mental space to do good work on myself, for my clients, and in the world. When another man enters my life, I aim to balance my focus. It’s important for you to be clear on what makes you happy and work to have those things in your life. Yet it’s important to understand and do your best to provide what makes your guy happy, too.
How do you balance the two when you’re dating or in a relationship with someone? Share your ideas.