Sometimes I get flummoxed by how people behave. I wonder, “What would motivate someone to…” or “How could they possibly think that this behavior is acceptable… or “Doesn’t she have a clue how this would affect her reputation?”
I’m even more flummoxed with people’s — okay, men’s — behavior in dating. I’m sure women do bizarre things, but I’m not as privy to those.
For example, two years ago a nice-looking man kept coming up at the top of my matches on Match.com. After a month, I emailed him a note, mentioning the things we had in common. Nothing. A few months later he comes up as the #1 match on YahooPersonals. I again launched a salvo, different than the first. Over the next year, I sent two or three emails just to see if he’d respond. Nothing.
Eight months ago, I saw his picture — the same one he used in his online profile — in a Realtor’s ad. He worked 3 blocks from me! Soon after that I was at a friend’s business club. Everyone introduced themselves to the group of 150. I heard his name and thought, “I must introduce myself to him by my online handle and see if he has any memory of my emails.” By the time the introductions were over, he’d left.
I emailed him a short note, “Sorry we didn’t get to meet at the club” to his office address. I shared non-judgmentally that I’d emailed him from the dating sites, but hadn’t heard back, and that he worked in my neighborhood. He responded perfunctorily.
Was I being a stalker? Not really. The emails were short and infrequent. It was clear he had no interest in me, but it became a game to see if he would respond. However, the last email told all. It’s easy to ignore someone when you don’t run in the same circles. But I could have easily become a business asset to him if he’d had a more pleasant response to my email. I regularly hear of people wanting to move out of or into my neighborhood. Might he have benefited from another person sending him leads?
Now whenever I see his ad or sign in a yard, I think, “I’d never refer that guy any business. He doesn’t know the basics about how to treat people.” After all, how hard would it have been for him to respond to any of my dating site emails? Not hard at all. But then when he found out I was at his club and in his area, he could have said something like, “I’m seeing someone right now, so am out of the dating market. But if you’re willing, I’d love to have coffee just to get to know you and see how we might help each others’ businesses.” Networking 101.
So if your profession puts you in front of the public, know that your actions have repercussions beyond the dating world.
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Comments
7 responses to “If you’re in the public eye, be careful how you behave in dating”
DG, I’m not so sure the guy you described behaved inappropriately. I’ve always subscribed to the view that it’s more polite to not respond to an email from someone in whom you have no interest than than to respond with some variation of “I’m not interested in you.” A non-response allows the sender of the email to believe that perhaps you’re seeing someone, or didn’t have time to read the email or profile. In contrast, a “sorry, you’re not for me” response stings a little. Certainly most of the women I’ve written to who were not interested in me subscribed to the theory that a non-response is best. The perfuncory response when you revealed that you were in his neighborhood probably just showed he felt awkward, as he probably assumed you were still trying to capture his interest for romantic purposes. Did you want him to lie and say he was seeing someone, just so he could try to get some business from you?
Hi Walt:
I know you’ve shared before your philosophy of not responding to women who don’t interest you. I have a different experience and preference. In the literally thousands of “Thanks but no thanks” emails I’ve sent in response to an email or wink, I’ve never had anyone complain. Ever. In fact, more often than not, they send me a “Thanks for letting me know” email. Sometimes including that they think it’s classy to respond. (See the posting under “Favorite postings” on my wording on this.)
We could chalk this up to women vs. men, but I am one who appreciates a gracious message in return. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I feel it’s kind to let someone loose, rather than have them wait expectantly for an email then have none arrive.
So did I expect the man to lie? No, although I have certainly used the white lie of “I’m taking a break from dating” line if I want to let someone down easy. What does it matter, really, the excuse, as long as the message is communicated. I think too much truth, e.g., “We definitely aren’t a match” rings of “What are you possibly thinking?” and can sting.
So you and I prescribe to different methods of response.
DG,
Wow, the female who you describe in this post, doesn’t sound at all like the Dating Goddess we readers know and love. At least not like the Dating Goddess who blogs here. Sending multiple emails to a guy who doesn’t respond? Never a good idea. Why did you allow yourself to get so worked up about getting him to respond? If you had achieved your wish, and he had responded, then what? Do you really think that would’ve been the beginning of any kind of meaningful connection? It would’ve been a small Pyrrhic victory. And haven’t you written in the past about how women shouldn’t email first, and if they do, it should be one email, short and sweet?
This is a classic men are from Mars, women are from Venus situation. See it from the guy’s perspective. He has an ad on a dating web site. That means he’s looking for a lover, a girlfriend or a future wife. He’s not looking to make business contacts or to network professionally. For that, he’s probably got tons of other outlets like the Rotary Club, Chamber of Commerce, trade conventions, real estate open houses, etc. So, if a woman contacts him who doesn’t fit what he’s looking for romantically, why should he be obligated to respond? Do you respond to every “Hi, I saw your profile and think we have much in common” email you get from men on Match and Yahoo even when you know you have zero interest in meeting them? Do you always think, hmm, this guy works for XYZ company or works in XYZ industry, so I should email him back and invite him to coffee so that I can network professionally?
What you did, when you emailed him after the club event, was the equivalent to outing somebody. I assume there is a a reason why you, DG, don’t use your real name on your blog. I suppose it is because you want to keep your personal life separate from your professional life, right? Now then, wouldn’t it feel awkward and perhaps a little creepy if a man, a complete stranger, were to email you out of the blue saying, “Hello, I saw you at such and such meeting. Turns out that we have a lot in common, including being on the same dating web site! I’ve emailed you several times but you never responded.” Actually, I’m surprised he responded to that email. Guess he just wanted to say something to get you to stop contacting him.
You write: “So if your profession puts you in front of the public, know that your actions have repercussions beyond the dating world.” Well, that cuts both ways. You have a negative impression of the realtor and now he probably has one about you. He would’ve had zero opinion about you if you hadn’t pushed and sent him that one final email outing him and putting him on the spot. What do you think Mr. Realtor is going to say now about you to somebody else in your mutually shared social circle if your name or your consulting business happens to pop up? Do you think he’s going to say something positive?
DG, with all the valuable wisdom you dispense on this blog about dating, I’m surprised that you reacted the way you did. You have said in the past that only we can allow someone else to make us feel inadequate or inferior, so I don’t understand why you’ve allowed a complete stranger to mess with your head in this way, especially when he hasn’t done anything wrong!
Cut this guy some slack (or some grace, as you’ve said in the past). And the next time that you want to meet a good-looking realtor, call him up and make an appointment to go look at available listings. You’re guaranteed to spend at least a couple of hours with him and you can cap off the driving around with a cup of coffee. That’s what I would’ve done if I was that blown away by his profile. And I’ll bet he would’ve wanted to have met you, if you had taken this backdoor approach
> Sending multiple emails to a guy who doesn’t respond? Never a good idea. Why
> did you allow yourself to get so worked up about getting him to respond?
Yes, as I said this was early in my dating. I made it a game. I don’t do that now. I had forgotten about him until I saw him at the club, then thought it was too interesting a situation to let go. Call it the devil in me! I saw his sign again on the day I wrote the posting, so it jogged my memory of the events.
«Do you respond to every “Hi, I saw your profile and think we have much in common” »
Actually, I do. I call it dating karma. I wrote a posting about it some time ago.
«Hello, I saw you at such and such meeting. Turns out that we have a lot in common, including being on the same dating web site! I’ve emailed you several times but you never responded.”»
I’ve had the equivalent happen. But since I respond to every email, it would not have the same outcome.
I don’t really get the “outing” part. He outted himself by posting his picture to the sites.
«What do you think Mr. Realtor is going to say now about you to somebody else in your mutually shared social circle if your name or your consulting business happens to pop up?»
He has no idea of my name or profession.
«so I don’t understand why you’ve allowed a complete stranger to mess with your head in this way, especially when he hasn’t done anything wrong!»
I don’t really feel he “messed with my head.” It was just an observation of his behavior.
«And the next time that you want to meet a good-looking realtor, call him up and make an appointment to go look at available listings. »
I’m afraid that’s too duplicitous for me. I’d be incensed if someone set up a meeting with me under false pretenses.
DG
Hi DG,
I’ve read your column for months and your outlook on dating is refreshing including this article. I completely agree with your comment that it is classy and courteous to respond to all e-mails. I sent an e-mail to every potential suitor once I became involved with someone and the responses I received were very positive and many left the door open for future contact on my part, if something feel through.
I’m also impressed that you have a little devil in you.
Dadplus3
Hi DG,
I agree with you, IMHO his lack of reponse shows a distinct lack of tact and/or breeding. I was raised to treat everyone I meet with dignity and respect, whether or not I choose to befriend them, and to me a complete lack of response shows a lack of respect for the other person’s time (in composing the e mail) and feelings (nobody likes to be brushed off without a reason, even if it’s just a stock reply).
I make a point of always responding to all e mails, even if it’s just to let the other person know I don’t think we’d be compatible. I think it’s the only decent thing to do. Plus, as you pointed out, one’s behavior can and does have implications beyond the dating arena. After all, who knows if the guy or gal you brush off could be a future source of business or even a future boss or employer?
It’s the old saw of never burning your bridges behind you, as you never know when you might need to cross the river again.
Best wishes from bookyone 🙂
Booky,
“Burining bridges”? There was never a bridge to burn in the first place!