In “Before agreeing to a weekend getaway, clarify expectations” I shared how I’ve learned to ask better questions before going on an outing. So I asked a few when a man I’d gone out with 5 times in a month asked if I wanted to accompany him and his photography club to a horse show. “What happens at the show?” “How long would we be there?” What will be your responsibilities entail?”
But as the event approached, I realized I really didn’t know how the day might unfold, what to wear and bring. I asked him to paint me a picture of what he imagined would happen. He said he and his club members would be out among the horses taking pictures to back up the official photographer and get additional candid shots. I would be outside in the bleachers watching the barrel races and other activities. Since it was autumn, I should bring warm clothes, umbrella, rain coat, bleacher pad, hat and book. We’d have lunch from the on-site vendors and he’d check on me periodically. Afterward we’d have a nice dinner nearby.
This date was having less appeal. After explaining the day, he realized this without my saying a word. He said that if that not wasn’t my idea of a good time, then he could always go with his club and we’d hook up in the evening for dinner. I was appreciative that he suggested this out so I didn’t have to. I told him that when I accepted his invitation I envisioned we’d have more time together. So spending the day alone in the cold and possibly rainy weather was not what I’d hoped for. I wanted to spend the day with him, not seeing him from afar.
He was sensitive to what would be my experience of the event and proactively suggested a more suitable alternative. Unlike my experience detailed in “Teed off by weekend getaway with golf addict,” this guy was thoughtful and sensitive to my needs.
While you may think this would be a no brainer, I’ve found it rare to have a man think through how the experience he’s suggesting would be for me. One that plans ahead — brings a blanket, a thermos of a warm drink, an extra hat or gloves, etc. — seems to be even rarer. I once went on a drizzly-day date to a professional baseball game. My date brought nothing but his jacket. I had a towel to wipe down the seats and a blanket to keep us warm. Is it that women are more wired to think things through? Is it our motherliness, even if we aren’t a mom? Or is it that women value comfort more than men? I’m not sure.
I am sure that I appreciate a man who thinks through an event and includes my enjoyment in his calculations.
What have you noticed about thinking through things in dating? Are men more, less or equally apt to think and plan ahead? Or is that more a woman’s thing?
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Comments
9 responses to “Is your date sensitive to your comfort?”
OK, I like this guy 🙂
Now, maybe I wouldn’t find him a match on all that other ‘stuff’ we ‘need’, but Boy Howdy is he a real find in the gentleman and considerate catagories!
So, did dinner go well in any case?
And, yes, I think society- especially for our generation and for Moms everywhere- has programmed us to think of the social engineering aspects in personal dynamics.
In other words, we plan for the details and take care of others instinctively.
Women generally are also more risk-averse than men generally.
And men without children are even more prone to no desire to plan or prepare unless it involves a hobby they are deeply involved in- and even then they will comfortably take risks women would blanch at…
As the French would say: Vive la difference!
As I would say: What were you THINKING?!
Yes, definitely men don’t plan ahead much. I agree that it is a woman’s instinct even if she doesn’t have childen. However, I would have LOVED to go watch the horse show!! Was it outside? Guess that’s a bit uncomfortable if it is raining, but I still would’ve loved watching……but that’s me!
I think we dear males are incapacitated by the fact that our strong, testorone laced brains can only do one thing at a time. Mind you we do it well and with great zest but alas, its still only one thing. So, if we manage to get you to the date we’re pretty proud of ourselves for not forgetting to pick you up. But, bring an umbrella? food? extra clothes if its cold? Huh? Are you kidding? What are we, women? lol.
Testosterone… not testorone. Which I believe is a type of pasta.
Rod: I’m so glad you at least remember to pick up your date!
And testorone should be served at the Sly Stallone Italian restaurant.
Ah, testorone and meatballs… no need for a punch line, as you, DG are undoubtedly WAY ahead of me.
I think the good thing about that situation is you actually made him think of what was going to happen. My husband was really good at bringing everything including the kitchen sink, which eventually it became a burden to go anywhere. To go on a camping trip for the weekend, required the whole week before of getting prepared. Loading eveyything up and setting up the house for us to be gone took about 3 hours. Then when we got home, it took the next week to unpack and get everything back in order. It was more work than fun. Yes, we have 2 kids that we included in all this, but he always wanted to bring everything, “just in case”.
So, I would think that, as we know, every situation is different. Has you man been married before? Does he have children and dealt with thinking of these things before? How old is he? How many other women has he done this with? Is he a very organized person? There are always so many variables in each person.
As I said, I think that the biggest lesson here, was you getting him to think and describe the situation and then you both became more aware of what you were about to do. Good Job, DG!
Remembering to call to fix the date is a rarity in the UK!!!
“Paint me a picture to help me imagine what the day might look like.” DG, what a brilliant question/statement to ask to help a man (and me) be more conscious of how an activity or event will affect someone else.
Even more helpful is answering out loud in front of the other person to read body language and interest. As well as eliminating potential disappointing dates, it also helps build positive anticipation, assuming it’s something both people really want to do.
What’s that cliche – “God dwells in the details.”? Here’s a twist on that, “Delightful dating dwells in the details,” and “Delightful dating happens when Dating Goddess dwells in the details.” Thank you!