You’ve heard people utter this phrase about a hapless dater — or would-be dater. Perhaps you’ve said it yourself after a vexing encounter with a single. And of course, it can be said about either gender.
The speaker usually says it after an unpleasant interaction, or even hearing about someone’s clueless behavior. I thought it myself recently after a potential suitor’s second call, during which this accomplished, intelligent man was argumentative and condescending.
But whenever I hear someone matter-of-factly say, “No wonder he (or she) is single,” I think, “But I’m single. Just because someone is still single doesn’t mean s/he is clueless, offensive, or uncouth.”
I’d guess no one considers him/herself clueless, offensive, uncouth or any unflattering adjective. We justify our behavior as being appropriate based on our logic. The man I deemed argumentative probably thought he was just pointing out the flaws in my thinking. The know-it-all at Thanksgiving dinner probably thought he was just imparting his knowledge to those who didn’t know what he knew — even though others shared their knowledge about the topic. The person who gets defensive and quarrelsome says she’s just standing up for herself.
Can these behaviors cause someone to remain single longer than they’d like? Absolutely. Yet, I see these same behaviors in coupled people too. So did they become this way after they married? Or did their sweetie just learn to live with them? Who knows.
The fewer obnoxious behaviors you have, the easier it is to find someone who wants to be with you. So while I believe in working to reduce irritating behaviors, I also know it’s impossible to eliminate them all. With focus, you can be on your best behavior for a while, but at some point you feel accepted enough to let your guard down and some of the old ways seep to the surface.
If you are brave, you can ask close friends to point out behaviors that they think might be contributing to your still being single. This takes some thick skin and the ability to hear negative feedback without getting defensive or angry. When I’ve had the courage to ask and fully listen, I’m reminded I still have work to do to monitor some of my off-putting behaviors.
It’s easy to think that the reason you are still single is you just haven’t found the right person. Yet, maybe you’re doing some things that keep the right person at bay.
Have you ever asked your friends for feedback on what may be keeping you single? If so, what have you learned?
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Got a midlife dater on your holiday gift list? Any of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 books make perfect gifts! I’m happy to autograph Date or Wait: Are You Ready for Mr. Great? to the recipient and send it directly to her.
I think this is so true! I call these types the “undate-ables”. Especially when you’re dating in middle age, the proportion of undate-ables you will run into naturally rises due to many of the easy-going and “normal”-acting people already being in couples.
On the other hand, of course that doesn’t mean that all single people are “undate-able”.
I have asked friends about what you say, and they usually reply that I terrify men. (!) Although I’m petite and fairly pretty, I’m also very highly educated and work a professor in the hard sciences. So the guys all feel that they would automatically come up short in my eyes and this scares them away. I do believe that the vast majority of men are not comfortable with a woman who they think is smarter than they are–I’ve seen in over and over in my own dating life/marriage. At this point, I don’t even consider dating men unless they are similarly highly educated and also happy with their career achievements.
The first time I met a woman who intimidated me a bit with her career and education I was briefly taken aback, but I recovered. I believe in myself. I’m worth someone’s time on a date. So it ended up being just fine.
(The woman in question graduated third in her class at William and Mary and first in her graduate degree class, and got accepted to Harvard Law, but it wasn’t even that as much as just how confident she was. I hadn’t encountered someone like her before.)
Anna: I think the problem is that you told him he was short, and insecure about it – “most men are not comfortable with taller women”. However, that does not excuse his response. Best to say you are not interested and leave it at that. If he persists, then put the “blame” on yourself. Say you are tall, and prefer taller guys.
Mental note: I need to look for educated, career oriented, tall women. Seems like the competition may not be as intense. I prefer educated women. I find it easier to talk shop (what she is working on), rather than what happened to Tiger Woods the other day.
Anna, why should you feel guilty because some aspect of a guy just “isn’t doing it” for you? I think it’s great that you know what you want, plus you told him and didn’t lead him on or anything.
I’ve never met a man who apologized for preferring women with (fill-in-the-blank) physical/mental attributes. Why should women be infinitely flexible in their preferences, then?
When I started dating at 45 yo after my divorce, I was shocked at how unattractive most middle-aged men are. I tried to look past the physical though because I thought it was “shallow”. Although I had some decent relationships with men who I didn’t think were all that, I did feel something was missing and I ultimately let those relationships peter out–I just couldn’t see spending a lifetime with them. There were other problems in the relationships as well, but I was definitely bothered by the lack of fire. It made me kind of sad/mad that as a middle-aged woman I couldn’t expect/hope for that anymore, but I finally decided that without it, I wouldn’t try it.
Then about 6 months ago I got up my courage and asked out this guy I’d met through work–my age, really smart and sweet, and (!!!) unbelievably attractive. Things are going really well in all areas of our growing relationship, but I have to say there’s a huge and wonderful difference on the physical side—-yayyy!! Who knows how it will end up, but at least I know it’s totally worth looking/waiting for a man who rocks my socks!
It’s not like he looks like a movie actor or anything, he’s just totally my type. Probably other women would turn up their nose at him–he’s not a fancy dresser, for example. And it’s not like the other men I dated were quasimodos or anything either. It’s more about what personally turns you on.
So I do think women (&men) have a “right” and responsibility to look for a partner with that special something. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool!
Seems like there’s a lot of subtle flirtin’ going on in this thread.
I just found this site and it’s great, thanks. I laughed reading this post, because I am newly coming out of the separation fog after 9 months (and 15+ yrs of marriage). I find myself looking at couples and wondering, “Why are they together?”
I’m looking forward to dating again but even before this marriage was always told I was “too smart and funny” for a female (intimidating to men, apparently). I thought I had finally found someone who found those things attractive but now that he has taken off to find himself (and other women), I’m wondering how much truth there is in it….. But if we’re out here, there have got to be smart, handsome, funny men who are interested in smart, fun, highbrow things…. right? RIGHT?
“But if we’re out here, there have got to be smart, handsome, funny men who are interested in smart, fun, highbrow things…. right? RIGHT?”
Yes. I can’t date a woman who isn’t sharp. And while I’m not a full-blown highbrow, there are a lot of things I can’t watch or read.
I found it interesting (not in a bad way) that you are taller and lighter than him. You describe yourself as “good weight”, but him as “skinny”. I must admit that your description is typical. The stereotypical attractive woman is thinner than the stereotypical attractive guy. BTW: That’s good news for me – lol.