Dating-over-40 advice by the Dating Goddess™
He is smart, funny, charming, good looking, worldly, educated, successful, a sharp dresser, good listener and conversationalist. He tells you what you long to hear. He is vulnerable with you and you with him. His kisses and caresses make you feel what you haven’t felt in a long, long time. He tells you how sexy and adorable you are, and how much he misses being with you.
You met through business, not online, so you know he’s not a player.
Yet there are things about him that on paper would be deal breakers.
I dated a sweet man who grew up in an African village. He came to the US at age 19 to go to school.
I loved hearing his stories of growing up in his village, living in mud huts, bathing in the nearby river, gathering water from a pond, making fire from sticks and moss, walking miles to sell eggs and chickens at the market, and other examples of a life I couldn’t imagine. He regaled me with his tribe’s welcome-to-manhood ceremony and other rites of passage.
The phrase “keeping it 100” comes from “keeping it 100% real,” meaning being 100% honest. It’s shorthand for no BS, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the unvarnished truth. Don’t hold back.
I decided to try this with a man while we were exploring going from pals to more. His life is complicated right now, uncoupling from a long-term relationship. I wanted to understand his emotional state, goals and desires. I needed to determine if it made sense to become closer during this challenging time, or whether it would be best for all if we stayed pals and revisited becoming romantic after he was fully unencumbered.
A man may enter your life who does not hold the work title or financial status you are seeking. But he’s a good man. He is honest, has integrity, treats you respectfully, listens to you, and is accommodating to your desires.
The “what” is his profession. The “who” is his character, values and behavior.
It’s commonly said that women try to change their man into someone more to their ideal. Men, however, are afraid women will change, as they like what they have.
Not that a man can’t wish a woman was a better cook, was more punctual, neater, or had other habits he liked. But (generally) he won’t hound her, unlike women (generally).
My experience is men won’t tell you when they are fully accepting of who you are, warts and all.
Today, a question from a reader:
“I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 months and we still can’t get farther than a quick peck on the lips or a quick impersonal hug. I’ve told him I want more intimacy but still nothing. What should I do?”
In my five-plus years of dating, I’ve connected with thousands of men from various dating sites. Some have only been through email, others progressed to a phone call, and I’ve actually met face-to-face with 101 of them.
I’ve never run into any of the ones who didn’t make it to the coffee date.
Until today.
by guest author, Regina Barreca, Ph.D.
We’ve all had The Bad Boyfriend. He’s the one you knew you had to leave. In order to get on with life, we need to put him in perspective. Part of that is acknowledging those things for which we should be grateful to him.
That isn’t easy to do.
I decided to help.
After several months of daily conversations and a few in-person dates, this out-of-state suitor shared his sentiment. I felt complimented, but at the same time quizzical.
I appreciated that he frequently sought and took my business counsel. But it made me think that he didn’t value a wife very highly. It stalled my desire to take our relationship to the next level. If it weren’t for my business acumen, would he respect me? Would he only engage my opinion if it were business related, and not about other aspects of our relationship?
A friend told me he’s going to buy a house with “Francine,” a woman he’s been seeing for a few years.
“Great!” I said. “You haven’t cohabited with anyone for a long time, so this will be quite a change for you.”
“No. I’ll buy it with her and stay there sometimes, but I’ll keep my place.”
“Really? Why?”
It continually amazes me to hear the comments some men make during the pre-date stage. You would think they would focus on putting their best foot forward, thinking about how they want to make a great impression.
But no.
“Crush” sounds like a school kid, doesn’t it? Remember those feelings of infatuation, exemplified by your hanging out at the crushee’s locker or outside the gym as he left practice? Or perhaps you were like me, not-so-subtly keeping score for the team on which the object of your desire played.
In high school, I gave hand-knitted scarves to my unrequited loves. Most were never worn. I baked birthday cakes for my make-believe beaus. Once, the oven rack was tilted, so the cake baked lopsided. Discovering this while removing it from the oven, I crafted a creative fix — raising the lower end with donuts secreted underneath, hidden by frosting. The recipient never mentioned the unusual composition of the cake.
At this point in your life, this seems so, well, childish, right? Crushes are for the emotionally immature, aren’t they?
Our Valentine’s contest judges found it difficult to choose a winner because there were so many good entries. I wish I had more prizes to award! I’m sure there will be other contests in the future as I seem to now be getting a regular stream of prize offerings.
