Scratching his head

A friend’s 35-year-old son accompanied his father and step-mother to visit me recently. I’d gotten to know him as a young man and he was in town so they wanted us all to catch up.

He’s a nice guy, but he has some “issues” most women would have a hard time getting around. As he shared that he’s had trouble getting a girlfriend I had to bite my tongue from saying, “I can understand why.”

* He lives in his car when he’s not couch surfing at friends’ and relatives’.

* He doesn’t have a job.

* His hair is half-way down his back. While long hair can look good on some young men, his is not a good look.

* He’s 80 lbs overweight. I know the struggles of being overweight and having trouble losing. And I also know that dropping weight can make you more appealing to a larger pool of prospective sweeties.

I didn’t feel it was appropriate to share my opinion and observations, but it did make me wonder how many of us are still single because we can’t see where we’re holding ourselves back. And those around us, out of their love of us and sensitivity to not wanting to hurt our feelings, don’t point out what we can’t see.

So what’s the solution? If we scratch our heads to why we’re still single, we need to ask close confidants and steel ourselves to what they may say. If they are sensitive, they will first ask, “Why do you think you’re still single?” and see if we have any awareness of the drawbacks they see. If we don’t, they may not feel we are introspective enough to hear their views.

If we do listen, though, they may point out something we’ve overlooked that we can change. Maybe we have a long outdated look that could be updated. Maybe a shopping trip for a few new items, or a new hair style, or more up-to-date glasses would make a difference. Maybe we’ve begun to be unconscious about our posture and now slump out of habit.

Or perhaps it’s more personality quirks that could be unappealing. Do you always have to have the last word? Profess to know a lot about most things? Use expletives commonly? Argue incessantly? Bash other people’s beliefs or opinions? Maybe you need to tone it down a bit so you’re not off-putting.

We all have flaws and quirks. The goal is to be best self by easing behaviors that can be so off-putting people don’t want to get to know us, let alone date us.


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One response to “Scratching his head”

  1. Rebecca Avatar

    I totally agree with you, first impressions do count.

    Maybe he has a great personality but a dishevelled appearance is not the best way to attract a partner.

    You would think his friends might give him a hard time unless they are the same.
    At 35 he really should know some of this stuff. Maybe he really doesn’t want a partner. Just a thought.