I just listened to the 4-CD seminar, “In Sync with the Opposite Sex™,” with Alison Armstrong. A close friend has attended a number of her seminars and highly recommends them, so I’ve been immersing myself in her work. This CD was recorded live, so you hear Alison’s fun presentation style and her wittily interacting with the participants.
I was especially interested in this CD set because it focused on dating. While I’ve learned a lot in my 3 years and 81 men, there is still a lot I don’t know. Alison shared a lot of information, much of it made sense, some new info and some common sense.
One of her points stood out for me. She encouraged daters to be clear on what you want and what you have to offer. And to state that even before you go on a date with a potential suitor.
Most of us are a bit reticent to state exactly what we want as we think we may come across negatively. For example, one of the audience members said, “I want to have a mutually adoring relationship with a man who wants children within the next two years and will financially support us. I will raise our children, keep house, cook, support his endeavors and have regular sex with him.” Some of us think that sounds unprogressive nowadays.
She even suggested that if you’re looking for a casual sex partner, say that up front. “I am looking for someone to have wild, casual sex with, but without long-term attachment. I offer no-strings-attached, safe sex on an hour’s notice, and will promise to always call the next day.”
Most of us would not have the courage to spell out our desires quite so bluntly. Alison’s point is that if you don’t say what you want, you’ll spend a lot of time meeting with, and perhaps dating people who aren’t interested in what you’re interested in. Yes, it will turn away lots of people, but that’s the plan. Rather than be in scarcity mode where you have to entice the opposite sex to give you what you want, why not be clear on what you want from the start?
I’m not sure. On one hand, her logic makes sense. That is if your belief and experience is you have an unlimited stream of potential partners regularly filling your email box and life. If, however, you’re like half the men online and 25% of women, you never get one contact, you can get in the mindset of not wanting to turn away anyone.
Alison’s point is that you need to weed out those who aren’t ever going to be a fit rather than trying to ensnare someone until he’s so taken with you that he’ll give you what you want to keep you. The latter, I’m afraid, just postpones the probability that one day he’ll wake up and say “This is not what I wanted.” And he’s either gone physically or emotionally or both.
For example, when my ex and I first got together, he said “I’m not looking for a relationship.” I did most of the pursuing and after 8 months of dating, when he got a job closer to me (we were a 2-hour drive apart) one of us (probably me) suggested moving in together. Throughout much of the relationship it felt like I was more committed to the relationship than he was. I should have listened — and believed — what he said. He told me up front what he was looking for by telling me what he wasn’t looking for. Had I told him I had marriage and family on my mind, he probably would have broken up with me. And would that have been bad? In retrospect, probably not. But who knows.
I think some of us believe we can change the other’s mind (see “Do you think you’ll change his mind?“) or that he’s just not clear on what he wants. Thinking this way is asking for trouble.
Some men tell me it’s off putting to hear a woman say, “I’m looking for a man who’s interested in marriage within the next 24 months and a family soon afterward.” They say it feels pressured, rather than letting a relationship evolve and see if they like each other, rather than feeling, “If I don’t propose soon, I’m dog meat.”
What do you think about being so straightforward from the beginning? Is this refreshing or repelling?
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