You have agreed to be exclusive with your beau. But he is not providing all he’s agreed to when you each articulated your needs to be exclusive. You’ve reminded him of the things you said you needed and he said he’d provide. He acknowledges he knows. He does not say he can’t give you these things or that they will take time. You’ve given him what he said he needs. But he isn’t consistent with coming through on what is important to you.
So he has to step up.
And if he won’t or can’t, he has to step aside.
A “need” is something that you absolutely must have in a relationship. Monogamy. Loyalty. Honesty. Affection. Communication. Sex. Laugher. Respect.
A “want” is something you would really like to have. Flowers. Weekly date nights. Indy movie viewings.
A need is like water, food, air and sleep. If you don’t have these, you don’t function. In a relationship, needs are the key elements for your satisfaction. Wants are icing on the cake.
If he’s not giving you what is essential for you, he’s not stepping up. So he has to step aside. If he is emotionally mature, he will realize that if he can’t or won’t supply what you need from a relationship partner, then he’s compelled to step aside. Or if he isn’t emotionally mature, you will have to move him aside so you can move on. Don’t let your agreement to exclusivity bind you in a relationship where you aren’t receiving crucial elements. You’ve got to get what you know is necessary for your happiness in a relationship.
Imagine you are on a path with someone and instead of being by your side, supporting your progress as you are his, he’s in your way and holding you back. You can shoulder the burden of his being a pull on you rather than a support only so long, then you have to decide for your own survival to move him aside so you don’t languish. It is a hard decision and if he truly cares about you and sees he’s in your way to happiness, he will step aside on his own. But those who are more self-absorbed will just block your path and try to make you feel guilty for wanting to proceed. Move them aside quickly or you will be stuck there with them for far too long.
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Comments
3 responses to “Step up or step aside”
Hi DG,
Excellent assessment! I agree 110%!
Hugs from bookyone 🙂
This is why I left my husband. Our counselor said to him, think of it as if you have a customer in you business and they come in one day and request an item that is way out in the warehouse. Would you go back and get it to please them? Or will you send them away. He wasn’t ready to step up. Sometimes men’s egos, self centerness, and stuborness gets in the way of having something so special–they are blind to it. She helped me to see that I wasn’t too needy, but deserving.
thanks for reminding me.
I should frame this and hang it on the wall. You speak the truth – we need to take care of ourselves first. This has often been hard for me but when I do take care of myself first, things seem to come together even if it means an emotionally unavailable and immature man who thinks we can survive on the crumbs he throws eats some dust in the process.
nysharon is right about the egos, self-centeredness and stubbornness as well. These are the guys we have to push out of the way and ignore when they come back (because they usually do).
I’ve been in the position where I wanted to believe what they said was true, gave them another chance and have just been punked again and again. My new personal rule is “never re-tread more than once” as someone deserves another chance, but multiple times – NO!