40+ dating

I’m channeling Britney, with an “oops, I did it again” experience this week.

There are many reasons we are attracted to someone or not. Often, it takes a while to experience their behaviors before we decide if we like who they are or not. And it’s fascinating to see how some overlook actions that would be deal breakers to others.

Unfamiliar with the term? Think of being in a primary relationship, but with the ability to have sex with others. Openly. With your sweetheart’s knowledge and permission.

One of my acquaintances has this kind of relationship. She and her husband have permission from the other to “see” others. They refer to their relationship as polyamorous. In fact, one of her husband’s girlfriends moved into their home for a while!

A pal who ended a decade-long relationship a year ago has fallen for a woman he met a few weeks ago. It’s the first person he’s dated after his relationship ended.

I’m fighting the urge to run screaming into traffic yelling, “It’s not fair!”

Dinner was high atop the Istanbul Intercontinental Hotel in the City Lights Restaurant. We met at 8:15 so the sun had set and the lights on the Anatolian (Asian) side of the city were tinkling. The ships scurried below us and the Bosporus Bridge lights were putting on their show by changing color every few minutes.

It was very romantic.

I thought that would get your attention!

Europeans seem to have much different feelings about body image than Americans do. (I realize I’m generalizing here.) People of all ages, shapes and sizes seem more carefree at the beach and other places where one lets it all hang out. I’m wondering how that affects their dating, especially in midlife.

Let me explain how I’ve come to this inquiry.

With apologies to Shakespeare, I was reminded of his line in Hamlet when a potential suitor recently showered me — or more like drowned me — in texts.

Brain scans show that the same regions of the brain are activated after taking cocaine as when subjects were shown pictures of someone they said they were in love with.

When I’ve been in love, I’ve relished the feeling: the excitement when hearing his voice, getting his text or email, even just looking at his picture. Such euphoria.

And it extends beyond direct triggers of him. Food tastes better, colors more vivid, music better, touch more sensual. A huge grin seems plastered on one’s face. Life just seems better. Much better.

But the part we don’t realize in our narcotic-like haze is that our judgement is clouded. We don’t see obvious signs that others around us see clearly. We overlook glaring clues that this relationship will cause us heartbreak sooner or later — or could even be dangerous.

A good-looking, successful, kind, generous, attentive, single man is wooing my single friend. He tells her how much he adores her and wants to be with her. He tells her it’s OK to take her time; he doesn’t want to pressure her.

And yet she’s uncomfortable.

Why?

In the last few months I’ve heard two stories of midlife women learning the man they were dating had an addiction.

It seems that when I gather with one or more single gal pals, the subject soon turns to dating. Today’s gathering was no different.

This conversation centered around a pal who’d recently lost 100 pounds and felt she was ready to re-enter the dating scene. She had new-found confidence and was anxious to find love.

A bit too anxious.