Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Tag: dating over 40 advice

  • What kind of tree are you?

    Spending six days over the holiday with a two-decade-married couple gave me ample opportunity to watch their relationship up close for days on end. Usually when we visit friends or relatives we spend from several hours to a few days with them. When others are around, most of us are on our best behavior. Only after sufficient time do true behaviors and patterns emerge.

    I felt a mix of friend, confidant, and behavioral scientist watching their patterns displayed in everyday activities. So when the woman shared some of their hiccups, I began to see where the breakdowns occurred.

    A recurring event transpired when one of them suggested doing something his/her way and the other expressed, in an irritated tone, the desire to do it another way. They both sounded irked until one of them acquiesced. The acquiescer, though, showed his/her annoyance, but out of view or ear shot of the other.

    So the dance continued. These are both highly intelligent people who have worked on their relationship. But they continued to repeat patterns of “My way is best” until one gave in. And they wondered why there was resentment.

    Finally, near the end of my stay, unable to keep quiet any longer, I spoke up. “You two are both capable, competent and good problem solvers. You seem to get annoyed when the other doesn’t see the wisdom of your way of doing something. Rather than realizing that the best solution could be a combination of your ideas, or that either of your fixes would work just fine, you make the other wrong.

    oak tree“Think of each other like a tree. No, I’m not going all Barbara Walters here — ‘If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’ But let’s say you (the guy) are an oak tree. What is great about oaks? They are strong, majestic, and provide acorns which feed wild life. But they aren’t very flexible and would not ride out a hurricane very well.

    palm tree“And you (the woman) are like a palm. What is great about palms? They bend in high winds, provide shade from the heat, and create dates or coconuts. But palms survive only in tropical or subtropical weather, so the environment has to be just right to thrive.

    “You two go about your life together getting upset that the other doesn’t operate like you do. The oak gets upset that the palm is so wishy-washy (flexible) and that her seeds (coconuts) are so big they smash the acorns to bits when they fall. The palm is irritated that the oak is so rigid and his seeds are so tiny you can’t find them.

    “If you would just step back and appreciate what each of you bring to the party. How each of you is magnificent in your own way, and encourage each other to be more of what you naturally contribute to the relationship. Embrace it and strategically utilize each other’s strengths rather than constantly wishing the other were more like you. I think you’d have more peace and love in your relationship, which is what you say you want.”

    I left shortly after this discussion, so don’t know if it made any impact or not. Perhaps this can be a reminder for all of us to appreciate the different strengths each partner brings to the relationship, rather than wishing s/he were more like us.

    Have you had success appreciating and embracing your partner’s differences rather than condemning them? If so, share how you did this.

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  • Belief in a wreath

    flower wreathI recently read about a Lithuanian summer solstice ritual where at midnight unmarried women toss leaf and flower wreaths into rivers. The belief is that their wreath will be pulled out downriver by the man of their dreams.

    Were it this easy to telegraph to the man of our dreams that we are available and awaiting his appearance!

    While I admire their intentions, the execution leaves something to be desired. My romantic nature clashes with my practical side. Too many issues arise for this matchmaking technique to be plausible.

    • This process assumes my future mate can swim, or at least has a long enough pole and sufficient ability to snare my wreath from the river. I have no idea if Lithuanian rivers are fast or slow moving, but if the former, he’d better have some quick reflexes. Since this ritual occurs at midnight, he would have to not be an early sleeper, or else set his alarm to get to the bridge in time to snag my wreath. And unless there are torches or spotlights scanning the river, he’d better have great night vision, something most of the midlife men I’ve dated can’t claim. (Perhaps my dream guy is a much younger one with good eyesight and a strong swim stroke. Hmm. That could be fun.)
    • Mercedes logoHow would he trace my wreath back to me? Would I attach a laminated luggage tag with my cell number or business card? Or would he ride his white horse (better yet, white Mercedes) from upstream village to village holding my bedraggled wreath asking all unmarried-looking women if it was theirs? What would prevent my sisters in singlehood from saying “yes” even though it wasn’t, just to hook him?
    • What if he lived far downstream? Would he have the patience to wait until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. before he hooked my wreath? If so, then this would be a good portent as he wouldn’t yell when he picked me up for a date and I took a tad longer than expected.

    There are several versions of this Lithuanian ritual. One has single women bathing in the dew (just how would one bathe in dew? Lay out a towel or wash cloth the night before so it was saturated?) or rivers, as they believe on this day bathing in these sources increases one’s beauty. (If this were true, I’m sure Esteé Lauder would be bottling this and selling it as “eau de dew.”) In some places girls wake before dawn to wash in the dew and return to bed hoping to dream of their future husbands. I’m afraid I’d never be able to participate in this version of the ritual as I rarely arise before dawn except to catch a plane, never to catch a man, or even a glimpse of my future one.

    Another version has both men and women floating wreaths with candles on them in the rivers. If the wreaths of a woman and man float together, it is a sign that they will wed. So I’d need to be careful what guys are standing around me as they are most likely to have wreaths that commingle with mine.

    While my cynical nature wants the data on how many Lithuanians have found their life partner this way, if I were in Lithuania on the solstice I would defiantly drop my wreath in the water. I’d hope my guy had good night vision, an accurate snaring arm, and Bond-like sleuthing ability to find me.

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  • Treasures can come in dented packages

    Tiffany boxIf you received a gift in a Tiffany’s box but the corner was mushed, would you be unhappy? If you were given a 2-pound box of your favorite Godiva with the top indented, would you be disappointed?

    No, of course not. Because you know it’s what’s inside that really matters, not the packaging.

    Many midlife daters make snap decisions upon meeting a potential new suitor based upon a minor physical imperfection. Perhaps their date is carrying a few extra pounds. Or their glasses are out of date. Or they don’t have the right colored hair.

    The Washington Post plays matchmaker each week setting up two singles who, based on their application, seem to be a match. The Post interviews each after the date and reports each dater’s thoughts. Here are a few from recent Date Lab experiences:

    Laura: Mark’s not my type. He had a more mature appearance, and I usually like dark hair and darker complexions. So I knew it would be unlikely for there to be a romantic connection. I thought I’d make the most of the evening, and that was as far as that was going to go.

    Mark: She was above-average looking; her lips were nice and full. But the big disconnect was her eyes. I like a woman whose eyes twinkle. Hers had no life in them whatsoever. She had no vibrancy.

    Amy: On a very superficial level, Piao wasn’t my type. My dream date is Mr. Darcy — tall, dark, a little retrospective and confident. Piao is the antithesis, more like a sprite.

    Piao: She was 5-foot-8, brunette. Attractive enough, but I didn’t think it’d be a match. I like girls who are a little shorter, and I sensed she was older.

    Krushae: I do recall seeing him, but there were a couple of other dudes at the bar that looked more like my type — broad-shouldered, in suits. I was expecting someone wearing more professional attire, I guess.

    Sybil: He’s an attractive guy, but not one I’d necessarily be attracted to. I’m a thick African American woman, 5-foot-7, and he was about 5-foot-9, with a slight build. His vibe was laid-back, almost passive. Women like a sense of security; he didn’t give me that.

    It’s amazing to me how we make such judgments about if it will work out or not before the other person has opened his mouth. However, I know I’m guilty of this myself. A friend recently pointed to a man across the room with whom she’d been talking and discovered he’s widowed and looking for a new relationship. He said things that she thought would be a good fit for me. But when I saw him I said, “He’s not my type.” So I was being a shallow as those quoted above!

    On the other hand, nearly none of the men I’ve dated for more than a few times would fit my physical description of my ideal man. My ex was good looking and I was drawn to his looks even when he was in his 60s. I can’t say that about any of the men with whom I’ve dated since then. I commonly think, “If I were to see him across the room at a party, I wouldn’t be pulled to meet him.”

    However, there was something there to make me want to see a man again and again. If I could get past the lack of immediate physical attraction, I’d often find a treasure inside. And the more I fell for the treasure, the more attractive he got.

    So even if a new guy doesn’t meet all your physical requirements, give him a chance to expose his inner gems. He may just become as yummy as those Godiva chocolates!

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  • The power of appreciation in dating

    Many years ago I heard a speaker state that 95% of communication in a romantic relationship should be acknowledgment. In other words, most of what you say to each other should be positive, complimentary and affirmative of the other.

    This made me look at my own communication with my then husband. I didn’t track the percentage of acknowledgment, but I’m sure it wasn’t near 95%. Most of our communication was about daily tasks (what shall we have for dinner, who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, updates to our personal calendars). There was some discussion about daily events and some about our relationship, people in our lives, and getting advice from the other. While we weren’t nitpicky or regularly critical of each other, I noticed we weren’t overly complimentary either.

    Since I tended to voice my dissatisfaction more than him, I decided to step up my acknowledgment of him and reduce anything that could be construed critical. I’d save anything that he might feel was not positive to only the big things that were really important to me. I’d begin to shower him with compliments.

    It was hard. Not that there weren’t positive things to notice and comment on, but you have to train yourself to not just see something, but to say something.

    And then how complimentary should one be about mundane things? Does it sound condescending when you say, “I’m glad you put on your seat belt” “Thanks for taking out the trash,” and “I appreciate it when you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”? When these are minimal co-living standards, should they be acknowledged? When I was a teenager, my mother complained that we never complimented her on dinner, so I suppose even agreed-upon chores still need acknowledgment.

    Mike RobbinsMy friend Mike Robbins is a master at how to verbally appreciate someone and have them hear it. He speaks on “The Power of Appreciation” and has aThe Power of Appreciation soon-to-be-released book titled “Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation.” I invited Mike to present to 50 managers as part of a year-long management training program I was leading for a client. Within an hour, he had taught these managers the skills they needed to share sincere appreciation with each other, and to take these skills back to their departments. I watched seasoned managers get touched to tears hearing their colleagues’ comments about how they made a difference in the other’s life.

    I’ve brought Mike’s teachings to my dating adventure. I am more conscious of sharing my appreciation on a date, especially when I know he’s gone out of his way for me. Mike teaches you to not just say, “Thank you for taking me to such a lovely restaurant.” But to add, “I know you put effort in choosing a place you thought I’d enjoy. Your thoughtfulness makes me feel cared about and closer to you.”

    Granted, I am not the master at this that Mike is and I still have a ways to go in practicing this regularly. But when I have remembered to do this, I’ve seen my date not only smile, but stand up a bit taller and seem to beam a bit.

    In “Help your date notice his riches” I talked about commenting on things you think a date does well. Try coupling that with acknowledging how his behaviors make you feel good and see what happens. Write back after you’ve experimented with us and tell us what happened.

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  • You can tell a lot by your date’s … driving

    I don’t recommend you get in a date’s car until you’ve gone out with him at least three or four times. But when you do, notice how he drives. It will tell you a lot about his personality. Here’s my take on driving habits and what they can tell you.

    • Tailgates — He’s impatient and somewhat reckless. If you say something and he gets defensive, he’s not open to feedback and doesn’t care about your comfort and sense of safety.
    • Swears, complains — If he frequently swears at other drivers or continually complains about traffic, he doesn’t know how to let it go. There’s nothing he can do about traffic, so why complain?
    • Weaves in and out of traffic; cuts in a too-tight space — Impatient, trying to jockey for position. This dangerous habit will gain 1-2 minutes. Who cares — unless you’re going into labor in the car or bleeding all over it!
    • Doesn’t use turn signals — He doesn’t care that his actions have impact on others, so sees no need to communicate what he’s intending. This may be a portent of his lack of communication with you.
    • Goes exactly the speed limit in the fast lane — Even though others are passing him on the right, he insists on staying in the fast lane because “I’m going the speed limit. They can go around.” Can we spell “control”? He justifies this obnoxious behavior because he is “right” and ignores that he is a traffic hazard.
    • Passes people who are in line on exits and on ramps, then squeezes in — No regard for others. Thinks his time is more valuable than others. Takes glee in saying, “What suckers!” as he passes them on the shoulder. This man has problems.
    • Gives others the finger — Lack of anger control, not willing to give others any grace. If he gets anger over something so trivial, what will he get angry at you about?
    • SpedometerSpeeds excessively — Lack of regard for laws, recklessness, trying to show his bravado. He isn’t showing his respect for your safety.
    • Goes through yellow signals at the last minute — Most accidents on city streets happen in intersections. People jump the green and hit those who are in the intersection when it turns red. His disregard for the yellow warning is reckless and self-focused on his desire to not wait the 90-120 seconds for the next green light.
    • Stomps on the gas at green lights — He thinks driving hard shows how manly he is. I think it shows how stupid he is, as he’ll waste more gas, burn through more tires, and possibly get in a wreck with those who, like him, are impatient so blow through yellow lights.
    • Rolls through stop signs — He uses the excuse that, “There’s no one around” to ignore basic traffic laws. This shows he does not understand the concept that character is what you do when no one is around to see.
    • Multitasks — if he tries to drink coffee, eat, talk on the cell phone and change the radio station/CD all at once, he isn’t paying attention to his driving. He will probably multitask with you, as well, not giving your focused time.
    • Honks — there is little need to honk unless there is an immediate danger. Honking to express anger is immature.
    • Shows consideration of others — If he lets in those trying to merge and generally is considerate of others, he’ll probably show consideration for you as well.
    • Drives safely — He’s showing he respects his, yours and others’ lives. He is conscientious and alert. He may desplay those characteristics in his relationship with you.

    If he is riding in your car, you can tell a lot about him, too.

    • He tells you where to turn, even though you’re familiar with the area — If he doesn’t ask if you’d like his assistance, this is the sign of a control freak. If you say something, his response will be, “I’m just trying to help.” He doesn’t realize that you don’t want his help unless you ask.
    • He tells you where to park — He is treating you like a child who can’t see a parking place on your own. There is a difference, however, between “Park there” and “There’s an empty one over there.” One is a demand and the other is a suggestion. If you want his help finding a space, ask.
    • He unjustifiably finds fault with your driving — “You’re such an old-lady driver,” “Just pass this idiot,” or “Can’t you go faster?” Tell him to shut his trap unless there’s a danger or you ask for his opinion or help.

    What else have you learned about your date by driving with him?

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  • Knight and day

    knightHow many women have said they want a “knight in shining armor”? Well, I found one. Literally. His after-work life involves teaching historical swordplay and leather craft. He often gives dueling demonstrations at Renaissance faires.

    He introduced himself by email the other day. (I wonder if it’s hard to type while wearing metal gloves. Maybe I should say he chain-mailed me.)

    He’s also called me twice. (Must be fun to see an armor-wearing, sword-wielding guy on a cell phone.) We jested about jousting and how he could pun in his classes: “Do you get my point?” “This one will slay you.”

    He seems to be on a crusade to woo me. (Will our first date be at Round Table? Will he pick me up on a whitequeen horse?) I think I would like being referred to as “M’Lady” and being treated like a queen. His bowing when I enter the room might get old, but I should try it before I decide.

    If we move in together, would we buy Costco-sized armor polish? And just how does one launder a codpiece? In a cold, warm or delicate cycle? Would we get a giant circular table for when his knight-friends visited?

    It might be fun to live in a castle, although I rarely see castles in the local real estate listings. Would you have to get a variance for a moat?

    A modern-day Lancelot has allure, but there would be some barriers (hopefully not hot-oil filled ones). While he has a ready-made Halloween costume, I just don’t have the wardrobe to accompany a knight — by day or night. If we were invited to a suit-required event, would I have to specify, “Not the metal one”?

    sword fightIt would be comforting to know I’d be out with a man who would fight (and no doubt win) if my honor was impugned. But I just don’t see myself hanging out at duels. Could I bring my laptop and would there be a wireless connection?

    It seems we are fond of different centuries. Perhaps I’ll let this one pass. Or I might just have an ale with him to see if he’s as sharp as his sword.

    If it didn’t work out, I have my exit line ready: “Good knight, good luck”!

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  • Yummy is as yummy does

    When my friends ask if a particular man I’m seeing is handsome, I commonly respond, “If I saw him from across the room, I wouldn’t say ‘Who’s that yummy guy?’ But the more I’m with him, the yummier he gets.”

    George ClooneyMen seem to become cuter as their personalities emerge. A man who isn’t George Clooney handsome can be irresistible because of his humor, insights, introspection, boldness, thoughtfulness, intelligence, smile, presence and self-confidence. In fact, some of the sexiest and most attractive men I’ve known wouldn’t be considered handsome if you just saw their pictures. But within minutes of being with them, they’ve won you to their side.

    And somehow men who are attracted to you and treat you like a queen grow more appealing. Some guys know this, especially if they aren’t particularly good looking. If women don’t naturally flirt with him, a smart man makes himself alluring by consciously treating a woman so she feels special, appreciated and sexy — as long as he’s not slimy about it.

    So even if a man isn’t initially tantalizing, give him a chance to improve his yummy-quotient. You may just find a wonderful gentleman hiding under an ordinary exterior — and you’ll end up besotted nonetheless.

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  • Shopping for men

    Dating life can be brutal. You make an effort to look nice (I call it getting “dated up”) to meet someone new, then he either doesn’t contact you afterwards, tells you he’s not attracted to you or there’s none of that elusive “chemistry.” You have to have perseverance and hope that someone for you is right around the corner — or in the next email.

    I’ve found dating to be a lot like clothes shopping. First, you have to shop where you know there is a large pool of prospects, which is why people shop at malls. When I conduct an online search, I call it “shopping for men.” On the best dating sites, you can search by important criteria (e.g., age, height, location, income, education, smoking/non-smoking, even activity level). Just like clothes shopping, you know the size, colors and style you want.

    And just like clothes shopping, you have to look at LOTS of possibilities, even when you’ve narrowed it down to a certain brand and size. It is easy to get frustrated.

    After a day of shopping with no buys, do you say “There are no good clothes out there?” Or “All the good clothes are taken!” Or “All the clothes I looked at are losers. I’m giving up.” No! How silly.

    Would you ever consider stopping shopping? No! You keep shopping because you have hope that you’ll find something you’ll love. That will be comfortable and fit and you’ll feel great in. Same with guys.

    However, it can get wearisome going on a bunch of dates with guys who on paper seem a good match, but in person there’s no spark. You can doubt your attractiveness, or think you are too picky. If you find no one you can entertain the possibility of going out again with, then perhaps it is time to reassess your criteria.

    For example, I thought I must have a college graduate. Then I dated a delightful gentleman who didn’t complete college as he was recruited to be a CEO while in college. He is very bright, but was tapped before completing his degree. I then found other fun men who were successful despite not having a degree.

    Did I “settle” for less by lowering my criteria to allow for those who didn’t complete college? I don’t think so. If you’re having a hard time in your shopping activities, consider if some of your criteria could be altered.