dating over 50

DG reader Sherri asks:

I recently met a man online who had one arm. We talked on email and by phone for about a month before meeting because we live 60 miles apart. When I finally met him, he was cute, funny, smart — but I could not get past the disability, which was more unusual than it appeared in the picture he’d posted.

As the date progressed, it seemed that he could tell that I was withdrawing because he seemed to get more and more needy, trying too hard to please. We parted, he asked to see me again, I said “sure” because I just couldn’t bear telling him to his face that there was no connection. When I got home, I immediately emailed him and said that I didn’t feel there was a romantic connection, wished him well, and thanked him for the date. He emailed 6 more times before finally fading away.

I feel really crummy about this — shallow and hurtful. I’ve told myself that it was his neediness that turned me off, but deep down inside I know that I’d shut down because of his disability. Is this something you’ve ever experienced? Or known anyone who has? I’d love some feedback — not to try to change the way I feel about the man, but to better understand my own visceral reaction. I mean, it’s the soul and heart of the person is what’s important, right? Am I alone in my reaction?

“I like you better now than when you were married,” a professional acquaintance shared recently.

It was a surprising statement from someone I didn’t know well. But it got me thinking. How am I different than I was 5 years ago when my ex left? What has caused the change? Do I like me more now?

As I reflected on his comment and my answers to the questions, I realized I was different. How am I different in ways this colleague might notice, since he only sees me twice a year at our professional association meetings? I think I am more playful and flirtatious. I’m willing to wear sexier attire at our formal events. I think I smile more and am less up tight.

Lately I’ve noticed myself getting angry with men I’m getting to know. The causes can be varied: he doesn’t call when he says he will, he doesn’t call for weeks then acts like we talked yesterday, he gets too fresh too soon, he doesn’t honor my stated boundaries, he makes assumptions without checking them out with me.

I hear myself saying — generally in my mind afterward — “You can’t treat me like that.” Sometimes I speak up in the moment, but sometimes I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding accusatory. Or sometimes I haven’t articulated my feelings or thoughts until after the incident.

It is easy, I notice, to blame him: “How dare he..,” “How could he…,” “How could he think that what he said/did would be acceptable?”