In “Before agreeing to a weekend getaway, clarify expectations,” I told you of a weekend “romantic” getaway with a man I’d seen occasionally over seven months. A week before the outing, he sprang on me that he planned to golf Saturday. I was not pleased, but was willing to be a good sport, under the premise (and promise) that we’d spend time together doing other activities.
The weekend’s opening act didn’t bode well. When he picked me up from the airport, there was no hug or kiss. He scurried to throw my luggage into his trunk and turned to get back in the car. I caught him and kissed him on the cheek. No stopping for an embrace or a lip lock.
The 90-minute drive to the resort took 2.5 hours in heavy traffic. The resort was nice, but offered no other sport options but golf.
After we checked in I thought we’d have dinner in the restaurant, since earlier in the week he said we’d dine out on Friday. Instead, he said we’d have room service. I guess since we were out of his apartment, that was “out” in his mind! But I’m flexible. He’d had a hard week. We watched TV until he fell asleep.
Sat., he got up early for his tee time. Before he left I confirmed he’d be back between 11:00 and noon. He said, yes, he would. I busied myself with a walk, checking email, chatting with the concierge, and reading. I made sure I was back in the room by eleven.
He returned nearly an hour late, without letting me know. When I told him I’d expected him by noon, he said he’d told me it would be closer to 1:00. Hmmm, I had no memory of that information. We drove to a nearby town for lunch. Back in the room, he took a nap. I took a walk. Since we had a big lunch we didn’t want much dinner, so we snacked while watching an in-room movie.
Sunday it rained. He said if it hadn’t, he would have golfed. That would have been cause for a pointed discussion about why he bothered to bring me on this getaway.
Arriving back at his apartment, he turned on the TV to watch … golf! I went for a walk. I was taking a lot of walks by myself this weekend. When I returned, the tournament was over so I told him there were several movies nearby that I wanted to see and their start times. He said we should see if there was a TV movie to watch, and found one — featuring golf! I read while he watched it. We watched TV from opposite sides of the couch the rest of the evening.
So the weekend with this golf addict shanked. He had no concept of how to be flexible and do some of what I wanted, although I felt I was clear. He did what he would have done if I hadn’t been there, and he didn’t give a nanosecond of thought to what I might like to do or how to make me happy during this rare weekend together. I could have made more of a ruckus, but when I did say what I wanted or made suggestions, he ignored me or chose to do something else. I used this time as an experiment to see if he thought at all of my enjoyment or only his own.
I hit this guy out of bounds — where he’s staying.
What did I learn?
- Clarify your expectations ahead of time. Ask about possible activities to be done singly and together.
- In any weekend getaway, some alone time is not a bad thing. However, if the weekend is to help you get to know each other better, spending too much time on individual activities does not accomplish this goal.
- Watching TV together can be a way to relax and snuggle. But if it dominates the time you are together, you’re not getting to know each other at all.
- Trust your intuition. I used this weekend as a bit of a test to see if he was more thoughtful than he seemed on the phone. I needed some final evidence to convince myself to let him go. He ended up being less considerate than the last time we saw each other. I was hoping he would be more thoughtful, but now I knew that is not who he is or how he thinks. So I’ve released him for some other woman who has different needs than mine — and who golfs!
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Comments
8 responses to “Teed off by weekend getaway with golf addict”
DG! Once again, I absolutely love your positive spin! If I had written that post I’m not sure I would’ve been quite so kind in my analysis. Clearly, that is why you are going on hundreds of dates and I’m NOT!! You are most certainly a gem. Hope you are finding lots of ways to shine this holiday season.
You are a gem. I wouldn’t have lasted the entire weekend. After seven months, did you never have a clue that he was this inconsiderate? Yikes. At least it gave you a writing topic (does he know you write about him?) . . . ;o)
Christine and Traci:
I knew going in that this was a make or break weekend. Yes, I knew from 7 months of daily talks there were things that weren’t a fit, but when we were together in Sept. he was considerate, although there were also signs. Because he has been so diligent about calling daily, I wanted to give him a last chance to show me he cared about me beyond a 10-minute call.
And while I am observant about behaviors and work to not judge them, I do notice how I feel about them. And I know I am far from perfect, so give people the benefit of a doubt and some slack, hoping they’ll do the same when I have a behavioral mishap. But if someone is unconscious too many times, I move on.
And no, Traci, none of them know I write about them. It would put an odd pall in the air, don’t you think, as they would be forever wondering if a conversation would be seen by legions?
I don’t think you are a gem for your behavior during the weekend. I think you enabled all of it. I can’t even say you were a good metaphorical caddy, because it seems you didn’t guide his ‘game’. Even prior to going, you knew there was an ‘expectations’ discontinuity, and yet never clarified your desires with him in the intervening time. If you slept with him at all, I’m pretty sure he took it as tacit acceptance of his self-absorbed behavior. It isn’t ‘judging him’ if you aren’t getting what you need and deserve.
Hi Ally:
Don’t we all enable behavior we don’t like if we don’t extricate ourselves? So yes, you are right that because I didn’t refuse to go, or didn’t make a ruckus, I was tacitly saying his behavior was OK. As I stated, I was looking at this as a chance to observe how he behaved without my intervening loudly.
I did ask questions, but would not have thought to ask, “Will you be playing only one day of golf” when I originally asked about possible activities. When he said he’d play on Sat., it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to ask, “And what if it’s nice on Sunday?” Good thing it wasn’t good weather!
And who would have thought to ask, “Will we be zoning in front of the TV all afternoon and evening on both days?” I put out my desires and was ignored, so did what I wanted to do. If a man doesn’t listen, or doesn’t care, that speaks volumes. I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t think about what I would like, as I am a woman who frequently thinks what my man would like and tries to provide that.
I don’t like golf either. What did you do with your time while he was on the links.
Men I am sorry to admit to being part of the gender sometimes when I am exposed to the total lack of character too many show to a woman on something that is suppose to be special. I am proud to admit I am a recovered sports junky and life does go on even though I have no idea of the NCAA National Football champ or even who was in the running.
Guys, when you take a lady out for a special getaway if the temptation is too strong leave the stupid clubs at home. We are supposed to have evolved since we needed to carry one to get a lady in the first place. (Sorry caveman/Neanderthal/missing link humor.)
[…] the act something that is core to his personality, so isn’t likely to be changed? The golf addict’s self-absorption was too core to him that it would have taken more than I wanted to invest […]