The experiment

I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?’”

“Some women have heard about certain characteristics that Black men supposedly possess and they want to see if it’s true.”

I almost fell out of my chair.

These “characteristics” could really be described as physical “attributes.” And the Black men got tired of being with women who just wanted to see for themselves, without any interest in a relationship. They’d spent time and energy getting to know a woman and then after a roll or two in the hay, she’d had her curiosity satisfied (and perhaps other things as well) and was on her way. She really wasn’t interested in anything beyond confirming (or not) the rumors she’d heard.

No one likes to feel like a curiosity, something to be examined and then tossed aside. We want to invest time with people who have an interest in the whole package, not just a single part. So I understood these men’s skepticism and caution.

Men I had no interest in have asked if they could fondle certain body parts. How could they possibly think that I’d say yes? They were curious, and no doubt, felt there was no harm in asking as they got the message I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Have you ever felt that someone was with you just to have his curiosity quenched? What happened?

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4 responses to “The experiment”

  1. Mitsy Avatar

    Can’t say as I have. If you are equating race & dating to curiosity, I think that’s a whole other issue. I know about the folklore you mentioned about the Black guy and certain “attributes”. I’ve heard the very bad jokes about that and have no idea if it’s true or not. What I have seen with most people who date is that they are either into dating people outside their race or not. There are not a lot of in between people on this issue. For myself, I would not want to date someone outside my race, but it’s party due to the rural area I live in and the backlash that I could not handle. If I lived in a larger city, it might not be a huge issue.

    As far as religion goes, it’s a bigger can of worms than a lot of people want to admit to. I would prefer someone who had some similar beliefs but it’s not a huge deal if they are not a church-going kind of guy. A Muslim or Hindu would not be a consideration and someone who was Mormon wouldn’t likely work either. We all have our own set of beliefs/rules when it comes to dating. I don’t see that as good or bad but as a way to perhaps avoid conflict down the road. But, keep in mind that you can date someone who seems to fit all of the criteria, but then he turns out to be the worst of the worst. So, you never know for sure even if you try to weed out possible problems beforehand.

  2. Mike Lowrey Avatar

    I can feel where Mitsy is coming from with the community backlash..

    Living in NYC I don’t see race as an issue. Its all about the person.
    Finding the right person is priceless. To me that’s just limiting your possibilities and lawd knows its already hard enough to find quality out there.

    Religion doesn’t seem to matter a lot to me either, as long as I’m not required to kill a chicken or something I’m good.
    I’m not a church guy but I believe in the man upstairs.

    I dated an Irish girl for a while and it was awesome.
    But I did feel a lil strange at times when we would be at upper West Side bars and restaurants and I was the only Black person in the place. She never treated me different in any way.

    I would date outside my race again, if I could I would date her again. Ugggh…the only woman that could keep up with me drinking. lol. Damn now you have me reminiscing about having to tighten up the screws on her headboard every morning. Her neighbors hated me, lol.
    Her doorman always gave me the you don’t belong here look, hilarious.

    In Northern TX it seems there are a lot of mixed couples.
    Lots of White women with Black men, Not so much Black women with White men but there’s a few around. I met a Black woman and her sis at a bar and kicked it with them. Although the woman was ok looking, I was all into her sis as she had some mean D/DD cups (sorry ladies I’m a man it’s just what we do). But unfortunately she said she only dated White guys. {Womp, womp}

    I do think its strange when a person says they will only date outside of their race like the woman above. Just seems prejudice against your race. I can understand having a preference but saying I don’t date a specific race I don’t agree with.

    Side Note: I have been on a mission to see if what they say about Asian women are true (maybe one day).

  3. Karen Avatar

    I went on a blind date once with a guy who I felt was viewing the date as an “experiment”—-because it turned out he was very very recently divorced (or even just separated?) and it seemed that he was trying to get used to dating again. I came to this conclusion from some things he said (about his wife/kids), but mostly because it did not seem like he was seriously thinking of our dinner as a “real date”. It turned out he was a doctor who had immigrated from Lebonon years ago and also a secular/western Muslim. I suppose it could have been cultural, but I think it was something else.

    For example, he didn’t bother dressing up at all even though we were in a nice restaurant. He also didn’t bother being very polite, and he didn’t try any small talk. Instead, he just rambled on about himself, about random things in his life, but not even in a way that suggested he was trying to impress me. It was as if I was just listening to him talk to someone else on a cell phone. I tried asking him some questions and this apparently astonished him so much that he didn’t get around to answering them. It was, frankly, a very boring dinner and I found the time I spent with him to be extremely irritating, frankly. I make an effort on a date and I kind of expect a minimum from someone I’m dating as well.

  4. Anna Avatar

    I have had a few phone calls from online dating (two that I can think of) where the guy just wanted to “hear my accent”!! Great disappointment to find out I don’t speak like someone out of a 1940’s era quaint movie. Plus I have been in the US so long, my accent is diluted. As soon as they expressed obvious disappointment over my lack of an accent, it was bye bye from me 🙂