Too-intimate first contact

DG reader Toni asks:

What is your sense about men who react to your online profile with a gushing email about how you are probably ‘the one’ for them, etc. and also who make several references to making love, the afterglow, etc. I feel uncomfortable when if a man seems to idealize me without ever meeting me…and also with references to sex, though I certainly like sex…but somehow it seems a bit out-of-form to bring it up in an introductory email. What is your take on all this?


Your instincts are right on. If a man idealizes you before he even meet you he is reacting to a fantasy, not you. He makes up how you are, all from a few words on a profile and a two-dimensional picture. I wrote about this in “Becoming smitten with the fantasy.”

Most people who are online dating are either lonely or horny or a combination of both. Some more than others. When someone idealizes you without having talked or met you, they are showing their emotional state — not one you want to travel to! If he talks about sex in the first email, he has no social savvy and will try to get you in the bed the first date. Not a formula for a pleasant time.

So unless you, too, want a quick fling, I’d release guys who do this by sending a “Thanks, but no thanks” email.”

Readers — what do you think?

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7 responses to “Too-intimate first contact”

  1. Catherine Avatar

    I experienced this once and the guy turned out to be one of those scam artists from Africa. My radar went off with the first email where he professed undying love for me, and continued through an additional 4 or 5 emails. While I never actually received the request for money, I called the internet dating site and told them that something just didn’t seem right with this guy. They had already flagged him for connecting to the site via an African country that wasn’t part of their “service area”, and cancelled his account.

    After my experience I found out that a lot of people get scammed by con artists from internet dating sites. They have been bilked out of thousands of dollars by various cons.

    While this may be a case of a man “trolling” the internet for easy sex, it may also be something much worse. Best to run for the hills when getting an overly familiar or sexual email right off the bat. Any relationship that starts out on that foot will not end well, in my opinion.

  2. bookyone Avatar

    Hi DG,

    I agree with Catherine. My admittedly limited experiences with men online who start out strong have taught me that the potential relationship, (be it scammer, spammer or just plain bummer), is never likely to get off the ground, or, if it does, it fizzles out quickly after the first meeting, once the guy in question, (who’s usually just after sex, like the smooth talking types who hang out offline in bars and clubs for the same purpose), realizes he’s not about to get what he wants from me.

    My longest lasting love relationships have always started slowly, with friendship first, the occasional call or e mail leading to in-person meetings or coffee dates if we’ve met offline first, more phone calls/e mails, and a slow but steady build up of passion and interest on both sides. Without a firm foundation of friendship to build on, this aging lady doesn’t believe any relationship stands a ghost of a chance over the long haul. Initial fireworks and over the top passionate encounters may work well in the movies, but IMHO in a real life adult LTR, they’re anything but a good sign, at least at the outset.

    Hugs and good luck with King Charming! ๐Ÿ™‚


  3. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Hi Bookyone:

    You are very wise! Yes, it usually takes a while for the relationship to develop.

    That said however, I was instantly drawn to King Charming with his emails and then when we talked by phone. And then when I first laid eyes on him, I knew I was a goner! And he is fabulous and keeps getting more so as we get to know each other even better. Yum!

  4. bookyone Avatar

    Hi DG,

    Wow, he sounds like the real deal, congrats to you! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hugs from bookyone ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Elena Avatar

    So it appears that the Adventures in Delicious Dating are coming to a close since you met King Charming and are posting a lot less frequently these days. Could the next blog “Living in Monogamous Matrimony” be on the horizon? ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. Dating Goddess Avatar


    Not coming to a close, just posting less often. I was in Asia on another speaking tour for the last 2.5 weeks so had less time to post.

    Also, King Charming’s adult kids discovered my blog — don’t ask me how — and so I am less free to post whatever I want about whatever I’m feeling. Not that there has been anything negative to post, but I now find myself asking if I want his kids to read whatever is on my mind.

    So I’ll continue with my at-least-weekly (and hopefully more often) posts that I think would be of interest to my readers.

  7. David Swan Avatar

    Congratulations on finding happiness. From a male view point, I think that sex references in the first email are too much and get off track. If that is happening, then I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable. The internal barometer is always a good guide. guys that are getting to that are moving in the wrong direction if a long lasting relationship is the goal.
    Mutual interests, shared values, attraction and fun are a great start. Thanks for you blog,