DG reader Toni asks:
What is your sense about men who react to your online profile with a gushing email about how you are probably ‘the one’ for them, etc. and also who make several references to making love, the afterglow, etc. I feel uncomfortable when if a man seems to idealize me without ever meeting me…and also with references to sex, though I certainly like sex…but somehow it seems a bit out-of-form to bring it up in an introductory email. What is your take on all this?
Toni:
Your instincts are right on. If a man idealizes you before he even meet you he is reacting to a fantasy, not you. He makes up how you are, all from a few words on a profile and a two-dimensional picture. I wrote about this in “Becoming smitten with the fantasy.”
Most people who are online dating are either lonely or horny or a combination of both. Some more than others. When someone idealizes you without having talked or met you, they are showing their emotional state — not one you want to travel to! If he talks about sex in the first email, he has no social savvy and will try to get you in the bed the first date. Not a formula for a pleasant time.
So unless you, too, want a quick fling, I’d release guys who do this by sending a “Thanks, but no thanks” email.”
Readers — what do you think?
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Hi Bookyone:
You are very wise! Yes, it usually takes a while for the relationship to develop.
That said however, I was instantly drawn to King Charming with his emails and then when we talked by phone. And then when I first laid eyes on him, I knew I was a goner! And he is fabulous and keeps getting more so as we get to know each other even better. Yum!
So it appears that the Adventures in Delicious Dating are coming to a close since you met King Charming and are posting a lot less frequently these days. Could the next blog “Living in Monogamous Matrimony” be on the horizon? 😀
Elena:
Not coming to a close, just posting less often. I was in Asia on another speaking tour for the last 2.5 weeks so had less time to post.
Also, King Charming’s adult kids discovered my blog — don’t ask me how — and so I am less free to post whatever I want about whatever I’m feeling. Not that there has been anything negative to post, but I now find myself asking if I want his kids to read whatever is on my mind.
So I’ll continue with my at-least-weekly (and hopefully more often) posts that I think would be of interest to my readers.
Congratulations on finding happiness. From a male view point, I think that sex references in the first email are too much and get off track. If that is happening, then I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable. The internal barometer is always a good guide. guys that are getting to that are moving in the wrong direction if a long lasting relationship is the goal.
Mutual interests, shared values, attraction and fun are a great start. Thanks for you blog,