Have you ever found yourself in a situation because you didn’t follow your instincts? Your gut is saying “Danger Will Robinson” but you ignore the flashing red lights.
I never thought I’d have to remind myself of this sage old advice: “If something doesn’t feel right, get out of the situation — now.” I am a confident, assertive, strong woman. I am clear (or so I think) on what I want and don’t want. Yet, in two years of dating, I’ve been surprised how this image of myself has been tested. I’ve ignored my instincts and sometimes allowed myself to be enticed into things I wouldn’t have thought.
Once in a great while I’ve been with a man, who, when I’ve said “no,” will say something like “Five more minutes,” “Then let’s just kiss/cuddle,” or “C’mon, I’ll behave.” Then he proceeds as if I’d said nothing. Now I’ve learned not to give in to pleas, no matter how good what we’re doing feels. It can lead to doing what you don’t want to do.
Saying “no” is hard for many women, as we are typically socialized to be agreeable, sometimes to our detriment. Even “strong” women can be seduced by smooth talking and cajoling. If we like the guy, we don’t want to send him packing. But if he doesn’t listen to and heed what you want, he’s not for you, so he should be sent on his way. If he doesn’t honor your boundaries, how would he ever respect your desires in other parts of your potential life together?
You might say “At some level, you want to be doing what you’re doing unless he is physically forcing you. As long as you can stop it and you don’t, you must want to keep going.”
You might also say, “You are sending mixed messages by saying ‘no’ then giving in to his requests. No wonder he doesn’t believe your ‘no.’” Mixed messages are never good.
So now I watch what happens when I say “no.” If he honors it, I know he respects me. If he doesn’t, he’s putting his own needs ahead of mine. That’s not a match. So if he doesn’t respond to your “no” the first time, get yourself out of the situation — and the relationship.
Your instincts are telling you what is really right for you. Ignore them at your peril.
Comments
2 responses to “Trust your instincts”
I love this blog! I spent the last week falling almost-in-love with a man via telephone since we have both been out of town on business trips. Every now and then, a little “if it’s too good to be true it probably isn’t” crept into my mind, but I persevered. Tonight, one week and close to 18 hours of calls later (!!!!) I was to meet my new Romeo at 5:30. Last night’s call was a little rocky, because he wanted to accuse his former wife (he’s been out of the marriage for ten years!) of being cunning, evil, vile, wrong, deceitful, petty, etc. I gently told him what forgiving my former husband had done for me. Romeo expoded, yelling into the phone that I was insane and simplifying his very difficult situation which I obviously didn’t understand. I said in my softest voice, “Being a victim is a choice, of course. I’m sure it is serving you or you would be your usual optimistic self.” OK, maybe that was wrong. But at 5:10, as I was putting on the last eye of mascara, he called to say he was canceling our date – 20 minutes before it began!!!! Part of me knows I should be glad I got out early, and yet part of me wants to cry myself to sleep tonight. The “perfect” parts were so wonderful. Boo hoo hoo. At least this newest debacle helped me find this site for sympathy and succor.
Belinda:
I’m glad you like my writings. It seems we share the same philosophy.
While I’m sad your perfect guy cancelled, aren’t you glad he showed his true colors now rather than after you’d spent weeks or months with him? He did you a favor, as I know you know, canceling. Now you will more easily recognize the great parts in the next great guy — who doesn’t also carry the anger issues.
Thanks for joining the Dating Goddess family!