I was interviewed the other day by an engaging reporter from the San José Mercury News who was doing a piece on deal breakers. After over an hour on the phone, we’d explored this topic from nearly every angle.
He wanted to know if deal breakers are a good thing, or do we perhaps need to set them aside so that we don’t miss out on someone who has potential?
I told him I think some deal breakers are important (e.g., you’re very religious and want to have someone who shares your views) while others can be set aside (he needs to make $X, or be X height or have all his hair!).
I’ve heard of some common deal breakers:
- Bad teeth
- Personal hygiene
- Bad dresser
- Too talkative
- Too self-absorbed
- Too shy
- Excessive cursing
- Table manners (chews with mouth open, eats salad with fingers, bends head to plate to eat)
- Intelligence (too much or not enough)
- Kids (you have them and he doesn’t like kids, he has them and you don’t like kids or feel he won’t have any time for you, or one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t)
Some of the ones I’m surprised by are the ones I think are sort of minor:
- A woman jettisons a man the first time he doesn’t call when he says he will, without giving him a chance to explain, and even though he’s called on time every other time.
- He wears Birkenstocks and she’s a wingtip kind of gal.
- She puts lipstick on at the restaurant table.
- He won’t buy her expensive jewelry even through they’ve only dated a month.
- He doesn’t drive an expensive car.
The reporter asked if I had deal breakers in my own dating life. Yes. They mostly have to do with how someone treats me.
- If he is mean or inconsiderate, I won’t tolerate that — at least after I give him some grace for the first time in case there was some unusual cause. I give people a lot of slack, but meanness is inexcusable.
- I’m not very tolerant of someone who takes me for granted.
- I have no patience for someone who doesn’t act with integrity.
- Since I’m 5’10” I’m afraid I’m not keen on going out with someone who’s shorter. I know this isn’t an issue for many women (like Katie Holmes or Nicole Kidman), but it is for me.
What are your deal breakers? Any that you know are perhaps a bit frivolous, but are important to you?
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