Yesterday, Price Considerate shared that in a moment of candor one of his mentees disclosed he was first put off by PC, in part because that day PC’s shoes didn’t match his pants. PC explained to him that sometimes he doesn’t pay as much attention to those details as he should, but he didn’t get defensive. He said it launched an insightful discussion into the types of things about which his mentee was judgmental. He said, “I was clear my mentee’s comment wasn’t really about me, but about him.”
Yes, it was. Anytime we are triggered by something another does, it is about us. The mentee’s comment created an opening to explore why he was judgmental about something as minor as a clothing mismatch.
Whenever I’m reminded of an insight generator, I like to see how it applies to me. After all, it is all about me! (Just as these things are about you, too, if you care to look.) I asked myself what dates I’d rejected because of minor things, perhaps not shoe/pants mismatches, but things like table manners, lack of chivalry, unconscious comments. Was I, like the mentee, making more of these hiccups than I should? Did I reject some good guys because of seemingly small things?
My justification is that even minor indiscretions are indicative of core behavior and beliefs. If a man doesn’t call when he says he will and has no viable excuse, I declare him inconsiderate. If he doesn’t help with my coat, he’s unconscious of manners. If he wears wrinkled clothing on dates, he doesn’t have pride in his appearance. The list goes on.
On the other end of the spectrum of responses to these behaviors is just to notice and accept them without judgment. I don’t live on that end of the continuum very much. Of course, it is easier to accept a man’s idiosyncrasies if you know you’re not interested in a long term relationship with him — or if you aren’t married to him!
The challenge comes when our rationale for rejecting him is clearly so “right.” Of course you feel justified not accepting a second date since he didn’t bother to iron his shirt to make a good impression on you. But some women wouldn’t even notice. And ironing is a fixable issue and you may be rejecting a charming, loving, affectionate, loyal man over an issue that a laundry service could easily solve. This is about you because of a notion that the man you want to be with would have the good sense to wear ironed clothes, even though you overlook other stellar qualities to focus on a sub-par superficial one.
In your dating adventures, what behaviors from your dates has triggered something that allowed you to look deeper into your motivations, values and behaviors?
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Comments
8 responses to “Yes, it is all about you”
Here’s the thing…if you’re attracted to someone, you will overlook all kinds of “faults” when you’re dating someone. But if there is zero attraction from the outset, that’s when the nitpicking begins.
Funny how flexible or inflexible we can become about certain ‘insights’. I once dated a woman who made a solitary comment, that, unbeknownst to her, sounded *exactly* like my ex. That was it for me. She may have been the most wonderful woman in the world, but after that, there was no way my head would ever have gotten around the fact that she could remind me of an unpleasant person.
But then there’s the opposite ‘insight’ – my sweetheart’s car is always messy, floor strewn with all manner of junk including mail and old bills… the good part is that its exactly like mine. I love it! Makes me feel totally at home and I know that she’ll never nag me to clean my car. Wonderful!!
I had a guy from work ask me to go skiing. We exchanged emails and when he wrote he spelled “tomorrow” wrong. Now I am not the best speller and am known for typos however, when he did it two more times–lets say the date never happened. He will never know that if he used spellcheck on his email it might have changed things. I think that maybe I was being a snob of sorts. He is sweet but less educated than I and working in a job title below me. Is it possible I should explore this again since ski season is upon us in NY?
nysharon,
Have to laugh!
I am OCD about spelling and grammar, but I still make mistakes.
That, and there are key words that absolutely RESIST being remembered with the correct spelling no matter how many times I double-check them-
and tomorrow is one of them.
There is a list of words that are consistantly mis-spelled by people that speak English, and an astounding number of spell-checker systems either don’t catch them or offer a WRONG replacement word.
🙁
I would do that ‘in through the nose, out through the mouth’ breathing thing over tomorrow and a few other stubborn words in our vocabularies- it probably isn’t his education so much as an old cross-wire in his neurons that insists it IS spelled right.
NYsharon,
Very funny comment! You need to ask yourself….if the same mistake had appeared in an email of a co-worker of the same rank or higher job title than yours, would’ve you have let it slide and thought “how cute!” and eagerly accepted the invitation to ski? Or would you have had the same “ick” reaction? See you 2morow! 😀
HI guys, thanks for the comments. It was more than the one word, it was his general crude writing skills on top of that. And if it was just a cooworker I would have let it slide but we are talking relationship material here and I don’t want to waste his time or mine. HOwever, I am rethinking this one since he works in our Buildings Dept. and he may be useful for the other types of gifts of knowlege he has. Those qualities could balance things out since I am in dear need help around my house. I could in turn show him how to turn spellcheck on his email, and/or give him typing lessons.<3
nysharon,
You need to use spell check too. You wrote cooworker the correct spelling would be coworker. so he will be doing the work around the house and you both will be bad at spelling so he will not benefit from you.
Christine:
In NYSharon’s defense, email has a built in spell checker which usually underlines words that are misspelled, and this blog’s software does not. Plus once you hit send on the blog, you can’t fix any mistakes you immediately see. If you post a correction, I go in and change it for you, but don’t fix typos as a matter of course. Heck, even though I spell check ever post, in last minute changes I’ve let some go through!
So we will all give each other some grace here, please.