When I first started dating, a family-counselor friend told me that I’d know all I need to know if a man is a fit for me within the first 30 minutes of meeting him. I was incredulous.
“Within only 30 minutes I will know if he is a fit for me? Not a full date?”
“No, you won’t need longer,” she responded. “You will be able to tell what you need to know within less than an hour. If you want to give him a full evening, that’s fine, but I think you’ll know pretty quickly.”
I’ve thought about this as I’ve been dating. Was she right? Could I tell if I wanted to know someone better and he’d be a good match for me within less than an hour?
The truth is, no I haven’t been able to tell if someone is a good match within the first hour. But I have known if a guy wasn’t a match before the end of the first date. When I’ve decided to see him again, even though I knew we weren’t a great match, it has ended, even though it may have taken 6 weeks to go through the process. Sometimes I thought I could overlook characteristics that meant we weren’t a great match. But so far, of the men I’ve let go – vs. the men who’ve let me go – I could tell pretty quickly.
So notice how you feel at the end of the first date and decide if you see enough of what you want in a mate to explore if you’re a good match. If you’re only seeing him again because you are lonely or bored or there’s no one else on the horizon, do both of you a favor and don’t accept a second date.
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Bookyone:
She didn’t say much beyond what I wrote. As I mentioned, I think you can better tell if someone *isn’t* for you. You liked the guy you spent 8 years with and thought he was a good match. Only after a number of years did you discover he wasn’t. But if he was clearly not a match, you would probably know pretty quickly. You built your relationship on friendship, always a good thing. After really getting to know each other over years you discovered there were important things that weren’t a fit.
I wish I had a way to save us all time and find out quickly if someone is really a good match. I’ve not found any way yet!
I think it is 30 min to rule out the person. Everytime I ignored my inner voice when there was no chemistry on the first date or I felt that little pang of disappointment when I met them for the first time–I found out later I should have trusted it. One of the things on-line dating did for me was to help me hone in on that. (as I have said before I am not a big fan the on-line stuff) It is hard when there are deal breakers and chemistry both. That is a judgment call and different for all on whether to carry on. I have continued with those I knew from the moment I met because I was bored and/or loney. Another lesson I have learned over the past year.
I usually give it a second try too. But there are times when you know within that 30min. I also avoid alcohol or limit it to one drink, which can sometimes minic chemistry/fondness.