You want boo; he wants boo-ty

A DG reader writes:

I’ve been dating my 56-year-old boyfriend for a six months. I enjoy his company, both in and out of the bedroom, and he says he enjoys mine too. In the beginning, we’d go out to dinner, plays, concerts, movies, picnics, bike rides, etc. Now, he says he has to work late and comes over just to spend the night — including pre-sleep activities, if you know what I mean.

I want a boyfriend, not a booty call. When I tell him I want to go out more and do things, he says he knows. He’s just overloaded at work now and has to work late and on weekends, so the only time we have to see each other is at night. Uh huh. When I complain a lot, he’ll take me out to dinner, but as soon as we are back at the house, he starts seducing me.

I have no idea if he is working in the evening and weekends, or at home or out with the guys. He only has a cell phone and often doesn’t answer. I’m concerned that he just sees me as a f-buddy and is faking the work excuse.

How do I let him know I want more than a sex buddy? I’ve told him, but he hasn’t done much to make me see that he is willing to be with me for more than a roll in the hay.

Interesting dilemma. Do you trust he’s telling you the truth and wait out his heavy work schedule, putting aside your needs? Or do you insist that at least some of your needs be met?

Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him again what your needs are, not in a nagging, complaining way, but straightforwardly. Tell him you love his company and doing things with him beyond the bedroom. Tell him you’d like to experiment with scheduling an activity once a week that doesn’t involve a sleepover.

Then wait for his reaction. He may sound amenable in the moment, “Sure sweetie. We can do that. I know it’s been difficult on you with my work schedule. I’ll work harder to make sure we go out at least once a week.” But then wait until he agrees to the non-booty call part. If he does follow through with an outing each week, see if he expects to stay over afterwords. My guess is he will. If you send him back to his own place, I’d guess he’ll begin to pull back all together and not call or see you as much. If so, you have your answer. You are his booty call, not his boo.

Sometimes you have to force his hand to get the answer you need, even if you don’t really want it. But if having a relationship beyond the bedroom is important to you, you have to call him out on this. You could go years not getting your needs met waiting for this guy’s “heavy work period” to lighten up. And perhaps he’s not really at work, just waiting until dark to get you under the sheets.

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3 responses to “You want boo; he wants boo-ty”

  1. Loving Annie Avatar

    That is exactly the right way to handle it in order to see the truth.

  2. elyse Avatar

    I was in a similar situation – and hope yours is different than mine was, though. In my case, he was still on and off with his old girlfriend. The only way to tell is really what DG recommended. You owe it to yourself to ‘show not tell’ – if he means to take you out as a person, as a girlfriend – he’ll be happy to find the time to do it. If not, you have a difficult answer – but you’ll know that he is a user, and not just wonder.

  3. Janet Avatar

    I had a similar situation and found out he had someone else, on and off… it was hard for me to believe, really. But it seems they treat us the way we allow them to treat us! If I could re-do my situation, I would have asked that guy if he was also seeing someone else. Maybe he wasn’t serious about her at the time, but it became serious. Anyway, I wish I had asked him, as this kind of information isn’t offered, normally.

    I forced his hand, as DG suggested… he didn’t like that, and told me we shouldn’t see each other anymore. So, I found out.