An older, wiser gal pal and I were talking about relationships, and specifically the one I was in at the time. I was sharing that I loved, loved, loved being with my guy, but his contact between dates every 7-10 days was intermittent, and he didn’t set future dates beyond the next day. This was vexing, as I am a planner, and liked to know when I’d be seeing him so I could schedule friends at other times.
“He is in control. He calls you and sees you when he wants. It is you who asks, ‘When will I see you.’ It should be the other way around.”
She was right. I did ask the question more often, as I wanted to know at least 24 hours in advance. I’d explained to him that I’d like a few days notice, and sometimes he’d comply but mostly it was more spur of the moment.
She continued, “He wants you on his terms — when and where it works for him. While he makes a modicum of effort to appear to address your needs, he really pulls the strings.”
“Yes, he wants me on his terms. But I think we all want our relationship on our own terms. We want what we want. None of us gets 100% of what we want. That’s why compromise is so critical. If only one of you is compromising, then the power is unbalanced. One of you will feel put upon and disrespected.”
The key is to be cognizant of how much compromising each of you is making to keep it somewhat in balance. However, I’ve noticed it’s much easier to note what compromises you’ve made, as you’re less aware of the ones he’s made. When you observe his attempts at compromise, it’s important to acknowledge that you appreciate his working to find a common ground or give you what you want.
My friend pointed out that control issues can lead to abuse issues, so to watch out. I can see how that could be true. Although it was interesting to observe potentially controlling behavior in another, as my ex accused me of being controlling.
What do you think the balance is for each person to feel s/he is getting the relationship on his/her own terms? How do you know when you are compromising too much?
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I wonder why you don’t know why his contact is so intermittent. I’m thinking this is more a communication issue than a compromise issue. To be in a relationship at all requires compromise. I also tell my daughter (age 26) never to get in a position where you are being manipulated. Anyone who manipulates you is not really interested in being in a healthy mature adult relationship. Sometimes an element of control can add some spice if it remains mild and in that case its better to be the flame than the moth (to paraphrase Casanova I think).
There should be a 50/50 balance for things to be really healthy.
You’ve GOT to have the things that are seriously important to you, and the minor things you can compromise on.
But only seeing you maybe 3 or 4 times a month and refusing tpo plan in advance for the most part ? that’s not a man who is treating you with respect and care. He’s being controlling and selfish, his way or no way, really. A man who likes a woman will spend more time with her than that, no matter how busy his job, his kids, etc.
This guy isn’t choosing to make you a priority. I don’t think you have to compromise and accept that, and be basically there at his whim.
Cut off contact with this guy. You deserve better.
Dating Goddess “He Wants You On His Terms”…I was with someone who fits the description of your entry on this subject…. now that I know he also had someone else as well, I want to throw this out there. If it’s on his terms, I would wonder how interested he really IS. I also found out that once I got tired of it and wouldn’t see him anymore, well, by that time I think he’d built up his other relationship sufficiently. He contacted me two days after he realized I really meant it about not wanting to do things on his terms anymore to tell me we should not be in contact anymore at all. I then discovered he married her a month later. So, if it’s on his terms, find out what’s goin’ on behind the scenes… I’m not saying all situations could be like mine… just a suggestion.
Janet – aren’t you glad you were strong enough to push away … and sorry his wife didn’t see signs that he was probably less than available for her, also….