Are you stingy in dating?

Stingy: unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous.

When most of us hear the word “stingy” we think of miserly, penny-pinching, Scroogelike, tightfisted, cheap and skinflint.

You could be one of these things in dating if you never offer to pick up a tab, buy tickets, or buy even a nominal gift for your guy. Male friends complain bitterly about women they’ve dated for months who never offer to buy an ice cream cone, cup of coffee, or movie popcorn. Even if he makes many times the money she does, guys still appreciate it if the woman makes some effort to share the economics of dating.

However, when I speak of “stingy” I’m thinking more along the lines of the second part of the definition — ungenerous. This includes withholding compliments or nice comments about things you admire or appreciate in your date. It can be as simple as “You look good,” “You smell nice,” or “I appreciate your taking me to dinner.” A man I dated for 2 months did not utter one compliment to me other than before we met — and that was in an email. While I feel I took every opportunity to compliment or acknowledge him, there was a dearth of this coming back to me.

Some folks are stingy when it comes to sharing important thoughts or feelings about themselves, as they are then vulnerable. I once took a personal growth seminar that encouraged us to share with others what we’d learned about ourselves in the session. Through this sharing we provided an opportunity for the listener to relate to our epiphanies, get to know us at a deeper level, and perhaps see they could experience similar breakthroughs. We were told the more we shared with others, the more generous of spirit we were. And our insights might be the inspiration the other needed to do some work on their own lives.

In dating, at least at first, we don’t let our dates hear our innermost thoughts and fears. Generally, it is a good at first to keep the conversation at a more surface level, as we need to trust our date won’t think we’re wacky or needy, and we don’t want to hit him on the head with our overstuffed baggage. But if you don’t share yourselves as you get to know each other, the relationship is based on superficial conversation — the weather, sports, celebrities, food, etc. When you begin to share yourself — your goals, fears, dreams, hopes, hurts, feelings — is when you begin to be generous with your soul. That is when true connection happens.

Sometimes this generous sharing happens early on and emotional bonding takes place quickly. You may have had the experience I’ve had where because of the depth of our sharing, I felt I’d known the person a long time even though we are only first meeting. I love sharing at the soul level, but I’ve also then fallen too hard too fast with someone who wasn’t really a good match.

What do you think about stinginess in any of these three areas? Have you felt yourself being less generous than you know you could be?

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