You met a guy and you seemed to hit it off really well. You saw him a few times. Lots of flirting, which led to hand holding and even kissing. In between seeing each other, some calls. But there were also a lot of unkept promises and missed commitments. There were plausible reasons, so you gave him grace. Time and time again. More grace. And more.
Finally, his grace account is overdrawn and interest is accruing fast. If he doesn’t put some deposits in his account ASAP, you’re closing his account for good. In fact, you’re thinking you should have already closed it. You’re hoping (praying?) the payoff will be worth the outlay of emotional cash.
Why does a bank let anyone borrow an asset? Because of the assumed or agreed payoff at the end. You’re planning to get more back than was borrowed. The problem with relationships is the loan is uncollateralized. There is nothing to repossess if the debt is unpaid — except your attention, and yes, sometimes your heart. And your self-respect, which is stretched because of this breach of contract.
“Contract?” you may ask. Did you both state or sign a contract that said you’d grant him a loan of grace if he were to sign a promissory note to repay it with interest within a time period? No, of course not. You may not have even let him know he was overdrawing the grace bank. Perhaps he thought your grace was a gift, not a loan.
Maybe your grace was showing your understanding and support of his issues that prevented him from fulfilling his obligations to you. Some call that enabling and codependency.
At some point, you have to call in the note — tell him he’s overdrawn and that you won’t allow for any more dipping into the Grace Bank until he’s repaid what he owes. Be clear. Don’t back down. Don’t give in to yet another excuse.
Or just say, “I’m done. I feel taken advantage of” and close the account — permanently. Which may create some sadness as you grieve what you thought might have been a good relationship. But if he’s acting this way at the beginning of the relationship, he will continue to do so. Best to write off this loss now and move on to someone who understands the high value of grace and uses it rarely. Those are the kind of accounts you want — not those who abuse the privilege.
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“…But if he’s acting this way at the beginning of the relationship, he will continue to do so. Best to write off this loss now and move on to someone who understands the high value of grace and uses it rarely. Those are the kind of accounts you want — not those who abuse the privilege.”
Yes, that’s a lesson I wished I learned much sooner with some online guys who played games or pretended to be interested when they really were not. When it came down to the nuts & bolts of wanting a real relationship, they were were not up to the job. Most were not man enough to admit it even and often left me wondering what the hell happened. I think they were not stable, emotionally available men to begin with. But like so many women out there, I “wanted” to believe they were not stringing me along. Even the so-called “Christian” guy ended up being a huge player. I learned something valuable in that deal. Just because a guy claims to be a Christian, doesn’t mean he won’t use or take advantage of someone’s emotions. He knew what he was doing but didn’t have the guts to be a stand-up kind of guy.
Yes, I should have closed some of those “accounts” before I got too tangled up with them or before I got my hopes up too high. But, as they say, “talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words”. I am hopefully a bit smarter now with men who behave like that one did. Saying, “next” even in your own mind is a powerful tool for moving on.
to mitsy,
allright!…..”next!”…..hmmmhh……