Becoming besotted

Are you easily beguiled? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you prone to become prematurely smitten?

Or are you more cautious, perhaps bordering on detached, especially early on in dating someone? You keep your heart sheltered for as long as possible? Then you either succumb to being moonstruck or lose interest as there’s no heart connection?

I work to strike a balance knowing that most people are on their best behavior in the first few dates so I like to be a balance of engaged and detached. But once in a great while I’ll meet a guy who I go over the moon for quickly. Wham! He seems like the real deal. But so far, those have rarely lasted a month. The love-comet burns out quickly.

A month of dating seems to be a watershed for me. If we can both be infatuated after seeing each other a month, it says a lot. “A month?” you may be saying. “That’s no time at all.”

You’d be right. You have barely scratched the surface, no matter how many dates, calls, and IMs you’ve had. No matter how many marathon dates you’ve been on, and how much sharing you have done.

It’s been a month since I began seeing King Charming. So far, he has not slackened his pace in sending daily multiple romantic texts, calling regularly, and generally being someone I’m drawn to. Is he perfect? No, but if his imperfection gets in the way of our connecting, I let him know how I feel. So far he seems perfect for me. I know I have glaring imperfections, but he’s not mentioned any to me. Perhaps he has more grace than me!

When I think of the many qualities I adore about him, I see that he personifies many of the characteristics I’ve longed for in a man. I admit that I’ve been treated well by a few men in the past, but I never grew to love them as they did me. I realize that sounds arrogant and egotistical, so forgive me. But the contrast of the past — either of my being smitten or the guy being beguiled — is that this time it appears we are mutually infatuated.

The question remains, can this intensity last beyond the next month or so? I’d like to think it can. I know our irritants will surface and it will tell a lot how we chose to deal with them.

What are the signs you’ve noticed that told you that besottedness will continue beyond the initial flush of adoration?

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10 responses to “Becoming besotted”

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach Avatar

    Dear Dating Goddess. Besotted are you? That’s a wonderful place to be. Sometimes the not knowing if it will last makes it that much more special. I can tell you the thrill that comes with the right man can endure.

    I’m nearing my eight year anniversary. Recently I was coming home from a netowrking event, and noticed a tall guy walking along the road way. It didn’t take long before I got the inkling that this tall fellow was my Paul, husband. He smiled as I rolled down the window and slowed the car. I yelled to get in and we drove home together hcatting and laughing. He had walked to pick up a sandwich and get some exercise.

    When I saw Paul up ahead and realized it was him, I oot those butterflies and when he got in the car – it was like a high school flash back, (even though we met when I was 40.)

    So those love-sparked, giddy moments are still part of our love. It’s not intense or all the time, but the pitter patter still lives. And I am very grateful.

  2. kiriecat Avatar

    YES, yes, yes it can last beyond a month. I fell instantly for my man – the first time he kissed me I was gone – and he felt the same way. For a couple months we both kept saying “this is going too fast”, but it never did slow down. He is still as attentive, sweet and romantic after 18 months as he was at the beginning. When he kisses me it still curls my toes beyond belief. I’ll be 60 in May, divorced and not even dating for thirteen years when I met him. I’d just about given up on ever having another relationship – then one day there he was. My friends tell me when they see us together we just “glow” with happiness. For years I’d refused to settle – and am I glad I didn’t. This is worth every second of the wait. When it’s right, it is so evident. I should have known – my mother moved in with her fiancé at 77. I guess you’re never too old for love.

    As for signs, well, we have very similar tastes and values, but very different personalities so while we really don’t have anything we disagree on (and have never had a fight) yet we’re different in ways that compliment each other – which I think is very important. He is outgoing and never met a stranger while I’m fairly shy, but he got me to do a speaking part in a reenactment last summer and I had fun doing it. I’ve helped him with his computer – he just got one and had never used one before, but I use one every day in my job so I could show him shortcuts that helped him better use his time and programs. So it seems we are both helping the other person grow and move a little outside our comfort zones. We both own houses and we don’t spend all our time together, which makes the time we do spend together even more special. The most important thing, though, is that I genuinely admire him – and I let him know that.

    And 18 months later the chemistry is still through the roof – let me just say those kids have nothing on us. We are not behaving like grandparents.

  3. Dating Goddess Avatar
    Dating Goddess

    Hi Ronnie and kiriecat:

    Yes, I am besotted. He’s #88. The Chinese believe 8 is a lucky number, so I guess I got lucky twice over!

    In addition to all the characteristics I’ve mentioned that I adore about him, he’s the first one that I would be drawn to meet if I saw him across the room at a party, especially if he were smiling and laughing. He is a hunk in addition to being one of the smartest men I’ve dated, humble, romantic, thoughtful, articulate, kind, generous … the list goes on.

    I’ve always said that I would not have been drawn to many of the men I went out with if I saw them across the room. So imagine my elation that this man has all these characteristics I love PLUS he looks like an underwear model. But luckily, he’s one of those who doesn’t really get what a hunk he is. I’ve always been a bit afraid of going out with really good looking men as my preconceived notion is they are players or will dump me as soon as they get what they want. So far this man hasn’t shown any indication of this behavior. He’s dated very little in the 6 years since his divorce.

    Since I’m back in Asia for a 2.5-week speaking tour, we’ve been having nightly conversations via Skype. We’ve had to both compromise our sleeping schedules a bit so he gets up earlier than usual and I stay up later than usual so we can talk. But it is lovely to hear his voice every night, even if it’s thousands of miles away. He says he misses me more since he knows I’m not just a short drive from home.

    We talked last night about my inviting him to some upcoming parties and how I wanted him to not feel obligated and decline if he doesn’t want to attend. He said he wanted to be anywhere I am! He said he was going to buy a new suit to accompany me to some of my business functions. He hasn’t needed a suit since his retirement 7 years ago and he wants me to be proud of his escorting me. He will look dreamy in a suit I’m sure!

    We’d also talked a little about him accompanying me on some of my overseas travel if I’m going to a place he’d like to visit. He said he will renew his passport! Perhaps just in time as I have a new hotel client who has a resort they want me to work with which has cottages built in the lagoon, with glass-bottom-boat like windows in the floor to the sea below. How romantic and cool! He said he’d definitely like to come on that trip.

    He also said that he realizes his laissez-faire attitude toward time and potential dates has caused me consternation and put some tension between us. He said he has relished these last 7 years of having few time commitments and he sees that this is not a good attitude to have when it comes to me. He says he’s committed to being punctual and more rigorous when we talk about doing something. Wow! I didn’t ask him for this, he got that it was important to me and initiated the conversation and the action.

    So stay tuned!

  4. Ellen Avatar

    This is such interesting timing. I haven’t dated in a while and have been throwing singles parties so my girlfriends can meet some guys. At my last party, I met a guy who I immediately felt that giddiness and I was ileery. I remembering hearing a relationship coach tell us that, if we feel really strongly about someone right away, we should run away really fast. He is a sexy guy, very in tune with himeself, and amazingly self actualized, like he is transparent and open and a gentleman. Very irresistible. I find myself wanting to keep him at arm’s length and then I think that this comes around rarely, so reading your post and your comments has been very comforting to me. Maybe, if I enjoy the feelings and keep my head on straight, this just might continue to be grand!

    xo Ellen

  5. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Ellen: Go for it! If he is a player that will be evident soon. My experience is players are only willing to invest in a few dates and if they don’t get sex by then or it doesn’t appear imminent they will move on. So take it somewhat slowly and don’t be seduced — unless your only expectation is sex — until you’ve gone on a number of dates.

    Enjoy and keep us apprised!

  6. nysharon Avatar

    I am so inspired ladies; this is just what I needed to read today. I have been dating the “bed speller” now for a month and a half. There is little chemistry for me and I definitely wouldn’t be drawn to him across the room but I keep thinking I should give it some time. This post convinces me that my time is worth much more and that I deserve to have the besotted experience. I also am inspired that at age 50, my life is not over when it comes to romance. I will let him go today. It is not fair to lead him on anymore.

  7. Dating Goddess Avatar
    Dating Goddess

    NYSharon: It sounds like you are where I was with Prince Considerate. Nice guy to spend time with, treats you well, but no spark. Like you, I thought it might grow with time. But you’ve given it six weeks and still nothing — best to release him, as you said. I spent 3.5 months with PC before he released me. But it was the right thing. Although we had lunch a few weeks ago and he tried to French kiss me! Talk about mixed messages.

  8. nysharon Avatar

    He might have been hoping for a little booty. I am starting to find out that being alone is better then being with Mr. Right-now.

  9. jess Avatar

    Just passed three months with my squeeze, he kissed me within 5 minutes of our meeting and I have no idea what happened to ME but I think we stayed in liplock for about 20 minutes while the universe exploded. Can’t say that’s ever happened to me before… Circumstances kept us out of the sheets all the way to the 3rd date… My head kept saying, this is too hot, it’s not going to last… but I didn’t care. About a month later, I realized that I really LIKED him too – so now we’re friends and lovers… and by month three, I realized I was head over heels… he says he was from the first time he saw me… Do I trust it to last? Give me another 3 months, maybe I’ll have a better idea. But if it doesn’t, I wouldn’t give up these past 3 months for anything…

    All I can say is FOR ME, I’ve never had the spark develop after the fact, it’s either there or it’s not… and it’s it’s important to me and the right guy for me will feel the same. I know it sounds bass-ackwards to many people, but if he doesn’t get my body, he’s not going to get my heart…

  10. Mimi Avatar

    Dating Goddess, what a motivating column you have here. I’m learning so much from you, and those ladies who’ve commented, that dating after 40 is thrilling. I’ve become smitten with someone I met on the last day of a solo vacation. I didn’t go abroad to meet men; I simply wanted to relax and do a little sightseeing. For reasons of anonymity, I can’t mention where we met, but let’s just say that we both felt chemistry.

    Within two days of my return home, we were communicating by e-mail and phone. I wouldn’t give him my phone number upon the first meeting because I thought: “oh no, here goes another player, just collecting vulnerable women’s info.” But was I wrong! Once I was home, I e-mailed him and described how much fun I had on our first time out — those unforgettable, few glorious hours at night in his country — and I made sure to include my home number. The next day, he called me before he started breakfast. The young girl still living inside of me was fluttering around inside my belly with all of those butterflies, thinking “wow, he so romantic!” On the outside, I remained cool, but not icy. I wanted to show reserve. The whole time during our conversation, which lasted several hours, I was smiling through the phone and could feel the warmth of his smile coming through the receiver, as well.

    I never knew or totally ignored the term LDR, but now I’m in one. It’s been 6 mos. and I still glow when we speak by phone. My colleagues tell me my face actually glows! But it’s how I feel inside that counts. (I can’t read his mind, or anyone else, so I don’t know yet the full spectrum of feelings he has inside.) Our friendship is moving at a slow pace, which works for me. The LDR aspect of our relationship has much to do with the pacing. I haven’t felt this excited about a man since I was in my 20s and being romanced. Yet I can’t say that my new suitor — if that is what he is — is consciously trying to romance me. One thing I can say is the feelings are mutual; this isn’t a one-sided flirtation or whatever. The chemistry was there from the start.

    I enjoy listening to him, and for the first time in my life do not get the urge to spill the beans about my life. Being over 40, I’ve become a better listener in many aspects of my life.

    If the gods and goddesses might be kind and allow this friendship to continue, it sure will be nice to get to know this gentleman’s world even better. I like the idea of losing myself in it for the long haul … but only if we’re likeminded.

    I’ll give the friendship some time before giving an update here.