Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Are you ready for Mr. Great?

  • Sometimes it’s about you; sometimes it’s not

    In dating, it’s easy to take things personally if there are problems or hiccups. Sometimes the guy you’re seeing does or says something that is a reflection of his attitude toward you, and you take offense.

    But often his behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s harder to realize this when he attributes positive feelings to you that would be impossible to come by after only a meeting or two.

    I learned this when a man I went out with once told me he loved me at the end of the date. It happened again yesterday.

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  • Review of “All Men Are Jerks”

    All Men Are Jerks — Until Proven Otherwise: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men by Daylle Deanna Schwartz

    I was put off by the title of this book, just as I had been with Why Men Love Bitches. It turns out both books are full of sound advice, but their publishers must have decided inflammatory titles would get more buzz.

    I abhor the title as I don’t think all men are jerks, and hate the idea of encouraging women in perpetuating this man-bashing concept. The author explains that both genders can be jerks, but I’m sure “Everyone Is a Jerk” would not have sold many copies.

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  • Disguised compliments

    At dinner, a date once exclaimed, “Girl, I’m glad you like to eat!” I immediately wondered if I was wolfing down my meal, or if I had ordered too much and he thought I was pigging out. After quickly assessing I’d done neither, I asked what he meant.

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  • Rejecting preconceived notions

    Do you have biases about supposed characteristics attributed to a potential suitor’s personality, values and behaviors based on limited information? For example, do you think lawyers are hard-nosed and blood thirsty? Accountants are boring? Men over X age are sluggish and out of shape? Short men are…; tall men are…; men born abroad are…; men raised in certain religious traditions are….

    No matter how open you like to think yourself to be, it is rare to not have some stereotypes based upon your experiences or your friends’ experiences. Even if you feel you are unaffected by the media’s depiction of certain professions, races, body types, religious backgrounds, etc., it is hard to not begin to lump men with similarities into some pigeonholes.

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  • Dating with disabilities

    DG reader Sherri asks:

    I recently met a man online who had one arm. We talked on email and by phone for about a month before meeting because we live 60 miles apart. When I finally met him, he was cute, funny, smart — but I could not get past the disability, which was more unusual than it appeared in the picture he’d posted.

    As the date progressed, it seemed that he could tell that I was withdrawing because he seemed to get more and more needy, trying too hard to please. We parted, he asked to see me again, I said “sure” because I just couldn’t bear telling him to his face that there was no connection. When I got home, I immediately emailed him and said that I didn’t feel there was a romantic connection, wished him well, and thanked him for the date. He emailed 6 more times before finally fading away.

    I feel really crummy about this — shallow and hurtful. I’ve told myself that it was his neediness that turned me off, but deep down inside I know that I’d shut down because of his disability. Is this something you’ve ever experienced? Or known anyone who has? I’d love some feedback — not to try to change the way I feel about the man, but to better understand my own visceral reaction. I mean, it’s the soul and heart of the person is what’s important, right? Am I alone in my reaction?

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  • Do you like yourself better now?

    I love me“I like you better now than when you were married,” a professional acquaintance shared recently.

    It was a surprising statement from someone I didn’t know well. But it got me thinking. How am I different than I was 5 years ago when my ex left? What has caused the change? Do I like me more now?

    As I reflected on his comment and my answers to the questions, I realized I was different. How am I different in ways this colleague might notice, since he only sees me twice a year at our professional association meetings? I think I am more playful and flirtatious. I’m willing to wear sexier attire at our formal events. I think I smile more and am less up tight.

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  • Are you angry with him — or yourself?

    angerLately I’ve noticed myself getting angry with men I’m getting to know. The causes can be varied: he doesn’t call when he says he will, he doesn’t call for weeks then acts like we talked yesterday, he gets too fresh too soon, he doesn’t honor my stated boundaries, he makes assumptions without checking them out with me.

    I hear myself saying — generally in my mind afterward — “You can’t treat me like that.” Sometimes I speak up in the moment, but sometimes I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind without sounding accusatory. Or sometimes I haven’t articulated my feelings or thoughts until after the incident.

    It is easy, I notice, to blame him: “How dare he..,” “How could he…,” “How could he think that what he said/did would be acceptable?”

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  • Fresh start. New beginning.

    [googmonify]8790107066:right:120:600[/googmonify]Fresh startWithin a few weeks of my ex announcing he was leaving, these four words came to me while I was sleeping. I want to say they were in a dream, but they were so vivid and clear it was as if they were said by someone standing next to my bed.

    While I was still in deep grief over the dissolution of my marriage, they gave me a perspective — even hope — that all would be fine once it was over.

    On this New Year’s Day 4.5 years after my hearing them, they take on new meaning. Perhaps this year will be one of fresh starts and new beginnings for you, starting now.

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  • New approach to dating resolutions

    I know it’s clichéd. Talking about New Year’s resolutions on New Year’s Eve. Ho hum. How original — not!

    But I heard a BBC World Service report that made me think differently about resolutions — especially dating resolutions.

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  • Thanks for unknown blessings to come

    “Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.” ~Native American prayer

    ThanksgivingSince it’s Thanksgiving week here in the US, this quote held significance for not only giving thanks for treasures already in our lives — our families, bounty and life — but also for dating.

    One of the fun things about dating is not knowing who or what is around the corner. Will the next guy with whom you connect be the guy for you? If so, will he enchant you immediately knocking your socks off, or will you fall in love slowly? Even if he’s not the one for you, what unknown blessings might your meeting him bring?

    As I look back at the 83 men with whom I’ve gone out in my 3-year adventure, I can see many blessings they have brought, whether it’s an enjoyable conversation, information on a topic I was interested in, a pleasant meal, or insight into how that man’s mind works. I’ve even had blessings from men who made contact but we didn’t meet! The ahas were what I learned about myself, what I wanted or didn’t want, or a new understanding of how some men think or operate.

    So with every new wink, email or coffee encounter, ask “What blessing is this man offering?” Even bad dates have lessons if you’re willing to look.

    At this time of thanks, pause for a few minutes and note the blessings that dating has brought you. (Try not to think of the turkeys!) And prepare for the unknown blessings ahead. Share the significant ones with us.

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  • Why are we drawn to bad boys?

    Bad boyThey are like forbidden foods when we are on a diet. They pull us toward them, no matter how much self-control we try to have. We work to resist, but their beckoning becomes too much for us. We succumb to their wiles.

    What is it about bad boys — who are, of course, really midlife men — that is so irresistible to some? Intellectually, you know they are certain trouble. They will say and do the things that melt you. You quickly give them your heart on a silver platter: “Here it is — my heart. Take it. I offer it willingly.” Even if you’ve seen signs that he won’t protect it, you serve it to him with little, if any, hesitation.

    Is it that they’ve learned how to address your surface emotional needs? They say all the right things, “Don’t ever change. You are perfect the way you are.” “I see us together for a long, long time.” “Where have you been all my life?” “You’re someone I can take home to my mother. She’ll love you.” “You make me very happy.” “I’m afraid I’m falling for you.” I even had one say on the phone to his sister when I walked into the room, “Your future sister-in-law just came in.”

    It’s not just their words. It’s their touch, their kiss, how they look at you, with that look that says they are really, really, really into you. It’s the pheromones — that chemistry thing, but it’s like love potion mixed with steroids.

    Are we so needy to hear sweet things that we overlook the parts that aren’t good? We want to be in love so desperately that we ignore the clear signs he isn’t emotionally mature or available? We aren’t fully emotionally available ourselves so we choose guys who will leave us in the dust as quickly as they stole our hearts? Is it low self-esteem, even when we have high self-esteem in many other areas?

    What is it that is so alluring? Have they figured out how to hypnotize us? They know what many women want from a man? That they can love us and leave us and we’ll still long for them to return with open arms?

    What’s your theory — or experience — with the temptations of bad boys? Why do we fall for them so readily? Even when we’re at midlife and know better?

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    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.