Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Winning at the online dating game

  • Tips for initiating online contact

    online datingRecently a DG reader asked:

    Do you have any tips on initiating online contact in a way that will get someone’s attention without sending them running for the hills? I’ve tried commenting on common interests or similar life situations with little success. In the last 3 weeks I’ve contacted 6 potential dates and had one response, who said he was seeing someone.

    What are some things to avoid when making contact with a hot prospect? I’m looking for men in the same age range, comparable level of activity and attractiveness. I must be missing something.

    What are your suggestions for online pictures? Most seem to be digital self portraits.

    I don’t claim to be an expert in this, but let me share my observations.

    Generally, my experience is it’s nearly futile to initiate contact (See “Don’t initiate“). I know, it sounds antiquated for an assertive, confident woman to not use these attributes in the online world. I’m just reporting my findings: When I’ve initiated, very few men have responded, and those who did, didn’t last past a coffee date even if I was interested in more. All of the men with whom I’ve had second dates and beyond have initiated contact. Perhaps our men readers can illuminate why this might be, as I can only speculate.

    That said, when I do decide to make contact, here are some of my strategies.

    Make an initial email short, upbeat, and comment on items he mentions in his profile that you found interesting or you have in common. If he’s got the trite “I like sunsets, dining out, and chilling at home,” I don’t say I, too, like what 90% of every profile states. (In fact, if he’s that clichéd, I probably won’t be drawn to him in the first place.)

    The key is to not be too short, e.g., “You’re cute. Call me.” But also don’t get verbose telling him all the reasons you think you’re a match. If you have a humorous personality, let it shine through and be sure to add the smiley emoticon so there’s no confusion that you’re trying to be funny, not whacked.

    I’ve also learned from the men I’ve gone out with that many find it a turn off to be told to call you, and they don’t want you offering your number too soon. In “Don’t give your phone number too soon” I share that guys have said they want to be invited to call after the second, third or fourth email. So don’t give it on the first email or you’ll appear desperate or easy.

    I have a standard email template that I adapt to the individual. You don’t want to spend too much time crafting a specific email as you’ll only hear back from 10% of those you contact. I figure they don’t respond because they are 1) uninterested and don’t know how to say that nicely, 2) are involved with someone, 3) aren’t a member of the site so can’t respond without joining. Whatever the reason, don’t take it personally and just move on. If you want to try again in a few weeks, you can, just don’t give it more than twice or you’ll seem desperate or like a stalker. For the second email, see “Use funny emails for unresponsive contacts” for one approach.

    Even following these guidelines, you’ll still only hear back from 1 in 10 contacts — if that. It is somewhat of a numbers game.

    In terms of photos, I always scratch my head when I look at men’s profile pics. All but a few are too small, too dark, out of focus, over 5 years old, or with a hat and sunglasses, not showing the guy’s face. Please, no self-portraits taken at arm’s length or in a mirror. That screams that you don’t have at least one friend who is willing to take a picture of you in a suitable surrounding when you’re dressed presentably and in good lighting.

    I suggest having a professional pic taken, but not a glamour shot. You don’t want to have professional hair, make up, lighting, and Photoshopping if you rarely look that way. You want to present yourself at your best, but also how you are likely to look when he meets you. One of the most pervasive complaints about online dating is that people don’t look at all like their pictures. (See “Is that you? Pictures are just a rough facsimile of the real thing.”)

    I recommend posting several photos, some in casual settings, some in more professional attire, and one or two in formal togs. Make sure you choose ones that show your attractiveness, not whatever you happen to have around. Also, avoid showing too much skin, as men interpret that as you are easy.

    My friend Rachel Sarah, author of Single Mom Seeking recently said in her blog that single moms should avoid posting pics with their kids because there have been some psychos who get to the kids through dating the mom. Ugh! Generally, I think it’s probably a good idea to not post pics of your kids anyway.

    And no matter how much you love your favorite location, too many pics of landscapes make me wonder if the person doesn’t want to show their own face. One or two is okay, as is one of your pet, but if there are too many pics without you in them, it makes me wonder. And please, please, please don’t post photos over 5 years old, ideally within the last 3 years. No one wants to think they are showing up for the 25-year-old babe who now is 50.

    For those who feel they’ve had more than 10% success in initiating contact, what can you share that works?

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  • Approaching dating like a buffet

    A dating friend asked if there were any new interesting men on the horizon as I reenter the dating scene after the meltdown. I shared that an intriguing sounding man showed up in my Chemistry.com matches. He’s a graduate school professor at a nearby internationally renowned university. I said, “Even if we’re not attracted to each other after meeting, I think he’d make a fascinating coffee date.”

    She said, “Your attitude always amazes me. I wouldn’t think of meeting with someone just because he sounds interesting. I look for signs of shared values, background, interests, sense of humor or other indications we might be a match.”

    When looking at an online dating profile, it’s hard to tell much of anything about the man. But if there are several elements that you find interesting, why not at least respond to the match?

    buffetIn some ways I approach dating like a buffet. When I partake in a smorgasbord, I’m interested in tasting some new dishes, trying things I probably wouldn’t order from a menu. The same with men. I use online dating as a way to meet men who sound interesting. And just like at a buffet, I take a small taste — a coffee meeting — to see if I want more. If I like what I’ve sampled, I can usually go back for more (a second date).

    Knowing you aren’t making a commitment for a whole meal before you know if you’ll like it makes it easier to try new dishes (men). You can allow yourself to experiment. If you never thought you’d like a bald man but never dated one, try a man who seems a match on many items but happens to be hairless. Thought you had a limit for a man’s height? Try an extra-tall guy if all else seems good.

    Now, just like a buffet, you can get heartburn if you taste too many options in a short time. Balancing men, just like balancing an overloaded plate, is tricky. So only take on what you know you can juggle. Once you find something you like it is sometimes hard to not want to continue tasting. But at some point you decide you’ve had your fill of new dishes and choose one favorite.

    I’ve expanded my choices by being willing to try something different. Know that there are abundant possibilities available and you can perhaps uncover a new taste treat you wouldn’t have found if you weren’t willing to experiment.

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  • Are you his spare?

    For a few weeks a gal pal was exchanging flirty emails multiple times a day with a an online match. He then suggested they have dinner and she countered that she was more comfortable with lunch. They continued their multiple-per-day email flirting a few more weeks, but he never again brought up getting together.

    She was flummoxed. What was going on?

    Two explanations came to me:

    1. He enjoyed flirting, but not actually meeting women. This happens more than one would think. Some people just want pen pals, which is perfectly fine as long as they are upfront about it. Leading someone on when you have no intention of meeting isn’t right. But he had suggested dinner, so we didn’t think he was just a serial flirter.
    2. He was trolling for a “spare” woman. Not necessarily a woman on the side if he was married or in a relationship. But more likely he was seeing someone already, but not seriously. So he was still hunting, seeing if there was someone “better” out there. He wasn’t unhappy with his current woman, but not so enthralled that he was sure she was “the one.” My friend was intriguing enough to flirt with, but not yet enticing enough to press to meet her. (If he did meet her he’d see how fabulous she is!) He was ensuring his pipeline was full in case his current woman dumped him or he lost interest in her.

    How do you know if you are his spare? Mostly it will be in the lack of action he takes to meet with you, not only the first time but in subsequent communications. In “Are you getting prime time from your man?” I outline ways you can tell if you aren’t a top priority for a guy. While one would think most of these signs are obvious, the haze of infatuation affects us all so we miss signals that are otherwise apparent.

    What should you do if you suspect he is stringing you along as his spare — or potential backup?

    • Limit the time you are willing to put into communicating before meeting. Many DG readers agree that you should strive to meet after 2 weeks or less of email exchanges. After that, no matter how much he says he likes you, if there is no effort to meet, even if long distance, there is not a lot of interest. Too many women have shared they’ve had extensive email exchanges which turned to naught when they met. You don’t want to waste your time, unless you just want a pen pal.
    • Ask him point blank if he is seeing other women. If he stammers and stutters, “Yes, but no one serious,” then you need to decide if you want to meet — or continue to see — him. If you are multi-dating yourself, then maybe it’s not a problem for you. But if you believe in dating only one man at a time, you need to tell him your criteria, and if you are interested in meeting him in the future when he’s unencumbered, tell him to let you know when he is available.

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  • Fresh out of men?

    When you find yourself out of prospective dates, wouldn’t it be great if you could just go to the store and pick up what you want? Were it that easy. In “Shopping for men” I described how sometimes you have to be creative and patient in your search.

    DG reader Stephanie writes,

    “What happens when you run out of men? I’ve been on two online dating sites for the last 2.5 years and feel like I see the same guys over and over. I’ve tried volunteering, asking friends, talking to men in the wine store. I’m about ready to give up. I’m just not finding anyone who floats my boat. Any thoughts?”

    I’m not really an expert on how to meet men, as nearly all my dates have come through online sites. But that doesn’t stop me from having an opinion!

    You’re doing the right thing getting out there doing things you like and letting your friends know you’re wanting to meet interesting men. You might expand even more by taking classes about things you want to know. I took a class in auto mechanics years ago, not to meet men, but to learn about my car. But there were some cuties in the class.

    cigarAlso go to stores men frequent. As I say that, I realize you could probably meet a lot of men at the cigar store, but who could stand the smell? So don’t go to places you don’t have an interest in.

    However, I make a point of looking presentable (not all dated up, but still clean and neat) when I go to the hardware and electronics stores. I’ve even asked attractive men for their opinions in both. While this hasn’t yielded a date, you get used to talking to strangers, and you make sure you are presentable even for a Fry’s run for CD-ROMs.

    Someone once suggested that I take up golf as the ratio of men to women was in my favor! I took a golf lesson once and wasn’t entranced, so I’ve ignored that advice. But for some women it would be perfect if they liked the game. There is a steady stream of men teeing up all day long!

    Now, let’s revisit the virtual part of your quest. When I’ve had dry spells in between men, I’ve adjusted my online activities. First, go back through those familiar faces and give them a little more focus. Sometimes I’ve found something in a guy’s profile that sounds interesting beyond my initial first read. Or maybe he’s posted a new pic that is more appealing that the previous one. If so, I make contact.

    Second, if the site lists “mutual matches” or “reverse matches” (as Match.com does), go through those to see if anyone new jumps out. Maybe one or two criteria kept them out of your original search, but it isn’t really a deal breaker if he’s 5-foot-eleven instead of 6-feet tall.

    And third, try being a bit more liberal in your search criteria. For example, if your searches have been limited to 25 miles from your house, when you expand that to 50, many more matches will appear. The same with age, income, height, etc.

    There are many more than two dating sites, so try posting your profile to others. Most don’t require you to pay to post your profile, so you can see how much interest you get before you have to pony up and join.

    Although I generally counsel women not to initiate the first contact, if you aren’t getting a lot of emails, then time to take some action. In “Dear Fido” I share how I wrote to a guy’s dog to make a fun first impression. And his dog wrote back!

    A friend has had great success meeting interesting men through It’s Just Lunch. Other introduction services like Table for Six can also offer new faces. If there’s one near you and you aren’t put off by the initiation fee, it can yield some great guys.

    So if you’re feeling you’re running out of good prospects, either take a break from searching for a while, or mix up your efforts. Remember, just like shopping for clothes, shopping for men should be fun!

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  • Should you respond to someone about whom you’re ambivalent?

    emailYou receive a nice, personalized email from a man on a dating site. He’s crafted an message specific to you, commenting on items from your profile. His profile is fine, but something is a borderline deal breaker. You vacillate whether to respond with your nice boilerplate “Thanks but no thanks” email, or to encourage more interaction.

    No doubt like you, I’ve received lots of contacts from guys who clearly weren’t a fit, or of enough interest for me to meet for coffee. Those were easy to deal with. I simply sent them my “Thanks but no thanks” email.

    The slippery slope begins when you have ambivalence but decide to write back anyway. There was nothing odious about his profile or communication, but also nothing really compelling. And there was that one (or more) issue that raised a yellow flag. Not to say this is always bad, as I’ve met some great guys who I initially thought weren’t of interest, some of whom I dated multiple times or others who became beaus.

    But more often than not, I knew we weren’t a match from the get go. However, his email was so nice, or he was articulate, or there was something interesting in his profile to offset the borderline deal breaker. So I answered the email, which progressed to a phone call, which led to coffee. And after you’ve built a bit of a bond through multiple emails and phone calls, when you meet and there’s no spark, it’s uncomfortable to have to tell him so.

    In “Hello — goodbye: How to say ‘no thanks’ after meeting” I discussed how to gently yet clearly let a guy know you aren’t a match. I always feel badly when I must have that conversation when I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be a match from the beginning.

    “Then why even encourage him?” you rightly wonder. Because some of my most special guys were ones who I was close to emailing a “no thanks” message. But after some emails, phone calls and coffee, I warmed to them. In “‘I only want to date someone I would marry’” I shared that as long as there aren’t glaring red lights and he seems interesting, go ahead and meet for coffee.

    Sometimes you respond to his initial email out of selfishness. You haven’t had a date, let alone an interesting, flirty email conversation in a while. Maybe you are lonely. Or bored. And there’s no one else on the horizon. He seems nice enough, so who knows? So you respond, even though you’re 90% sure you’re not a good match. That’s not really a good way to start any relationship, even if it’s only a one-time coffee one.

    The wisdom lies in knowing whom to turn down at the beginning to save you both time and possible rejection and who to respond to, in the hopes that there will be a spark. How do you get this wisdom? I wish it were just from reading these missives. But unfortunately, it is usually from having lived through a few experiences where you have to turn someone down for a second date, knowing you should have done so before the first.

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  • Review of “I Love You, Let’s Meet”

    I was introduced to I Love You, Let’s Meet through alert reader Elena who posted the link to the video in a comment. I thought the video humorously captured what happens far too often with online dating — you become enamored with someone through emails, IMs and phone calls. Then you meet, and nothing. No attraction, no chemistry.

    I Love You, Let’s Meet! The Musical!
    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAvrSiS1zBI]

    I Love you, let’s meetI got a copy of the book the video promotes, I Love You, Let’s Meet, by Virginia Vitzthum. It’s a mix of interviews Virginia conducted with a broad spectrum of online daters, all ages, sexual orientations, and marital status (!), interspersed with her own experiences online dating.

    Virginia’s writing style is also a mix: some sociologist, some memoirist, some humorist. She sprinkles salty language and sexually explicitness in with her thoughtful insights. She tells the stories of her interviewees and adds perspective to what she hears.

    It is not a light read, but instead one which seriously examines the motivations and experiences of online daters. However, the serious parts are balanced with some irony and humor, so you don’t stay mired in seriousness so long as to be tedious. The opposite in fact, as you want to read more of the world she examines through the stories her interviewees tell. But unlike other memoir/story-based books, she doesn’t ply the experiences for humor by making fun of the storytellers or her own former dates.

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  • When to remove your online profile?

    You’ve been dating your guy for a little while — perhaps 1-3 months. You like him a lot and he seems to like you similarly. You have no interest in seeing anyone else, and he says he isn’t seeing anyone else. He asks you what he says to men who email you, and you say, “Thank you but I’m seeing someone right now.” He says he does the same thing to the women who contact him.

    So why is his profile still visible on the dating site? And for that matter, why is yours?

    This subject of when to remove or hide your online profile is a tricky one. If one of you removes your profile and the other doesn’t, it can cause tension. In fact, removing it within the first month of dating can make him think you are more serious — or needy — than he is and may scare him. But not taking it down after having the “exclusivity” discussion can cause more problems.

    I remember dating a man for a month before checking the site on which we met to see if I had any new emails to which I needed to respond “No thank you.” I was surprised to see that he had been on the site the same day! He’d told me he wasn’t dating others, so why was he online? I asked him. He stuttered something unconvincing. While I thought everything was going swimmingly, I could see by his actions that he was still fishing in the pond. I began to check the site daily and noticed he was always on within 24 hours.

    So when should you hide or remove your profile? Whenever you’re disinterested in meeting others. You don’t have to announce this to your guy if you don’t want. However, at some point, typically somewhere between 1 and 3 months, if you both say you want to be exclusive, you need to remove your profile from public view. It shows the other you are serious about removing yourself from the dating marketplace. To not do so shows you are still wanting to see who else might contact you.

    Yahoo!PersonalsIf you check back a week later and find his profile is still visible to the public, ask him about it. Some sites, like Yahoo!Personals allow you to hide your profile from anyone new, but those who you’ve had past contact can still see it. So don’t log in when you check or you’ll still be able to see his profile, even if he’s hidden it.

    You can hide your profile without actually canceling your account. When you both decide to cancel your accounts — to all the sites on which you’re listed, not just the one on which you met — it shows a deeper commitment. No, you don’t have to be living together or engaged at this point, but sure that you want to give this relationship all you have. If he balks at canceling, he’s not serious.

    And if you balk when he asks you to remove your profile or cancel your account, you are still unsure. Let him know. Don’t string him along, just as you wouldn’t want him to lead you on. The proof is in the profile — or lack thereof.

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  • “Tell me about yourself”

    The first real-time contact with a potential date can be awkward. You may have a sketchy description from an online profile, or just a few minutes of information from the friend who connected you. You want to find out more about him, but you’re not sure how to ask without seeming like you’re interrogating. So how do you ask?

    There are many ways. But let’s start with a question that gets the hairs on my neck standing on end. It is the seemingly innocuous:

    “Tell me about yourself.”

    Why does this irritate me so? Because it is so brainless. It says, “I haven’t bothered to read or remember anything about you. So instead of asking you to tell me more detail about what I know about you, I’m asking the most inane question I can muster. I’m not very creative, thoughtful, or inquisitive.”

    Equally inane ones are,

    • “Why are you still single?”
    • “Why did you divorce?”
    • “Do you have kids?” (It says I don’t in my profile. You read my profile, right? I didn’t think so.)
    • “Why haven’t you married?” (To someone who says he’s not divorced or separated.)

    Here are some ones I’ve found more interesting:

    • “What’s your favorite response to ‘Why are you still single?’ Now what’s the real reason.”
    • “What do you feel you might have done to save your marriage?”
    • “What’s your favorite part about being a dad?”
    • “In your next relationship, how do you want to prevent whatever went awry in your marriage?”

    There are myriad other questions you can ask which get progressively deeper and more revealing as you get to know him. The point is before you speak to him, think about some gently probing questions you can ask. Don’t be confrontational, but ask questions that get you to uncover values you find important.

    Once I went out with a man who complained that his divorce cost him over $100,000, even though he’d just told me the marriage was over years before and they just stayed together for the kids. I asked, “If it was over long ago for both of you, why was she so acrimonious?” He paused for a moment, as apparently no one had ever asked that before. Then he said, “Probably because of the extra marital relationships.” I said, “Yes, that would do it!”

    You can learn a lot not only by what a person asks you, but how he answers your questions. Try to make yours interesting, unusual and about issues that are important to you.

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  • Are you describing yourself compellingly?

    “To say something nice about themselves, this is the hardest thing in the world for people to do.” —Nancy Friday

    If you are online dating, how do you describe yourself in your profile? Does it really reflect who you are? And if you’re not online, you might consider writing a description of yourself and what you want, just for the practice. But be prepared to experience some frustration. Most people have trouble describing themselves compellingly.

    My dating neighbor asked me to review her online profile and suggest any changes that would help her get more appropriate responses.

    This is an amazing women. In addition to being a top Stanford grad, a loving and patient mother of three teenagers, she is a top doctor who loves her work and patients. She is one of those special people who never flaunts her accomplishments or intelligence, and instead has a gentle demeanor, easy smile, and down-to-earth presence. She’s fit, energetic, athletic, slender, and pretty. She looks ten years younger than her 48 years.

    So how did this special woman describe herself in her profile? Pretty pedestrianly. She emphasized her girl-next-door characteristics and that was it. She didn’t mention her profession, nor her enthusiasm for life.

    While I don’t consider myself particularly gifted at writing other peoples’ profiles, here’s how I rewrote her description:

    High-achieving gal-next-door wants to meet a similar nice guy

    Do you love your life? I love mine. But I’d like to have that wonderful connection with a special man that fulfills each of our souls. Just like you, I have a full life already. Yet I know I want to invest the time to develop a relationship with someone special.

    My life involves a busy and fulfilling profession, three amazing teenagers, regular exercise, interesting travel, and extraordinary friends. I’m down to earth, with an easy smile and inquisitive mind.

    I’m looking for a men who is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and has achieved his own successes and has a life of his own. He loves spirited conversation with someone who has thoughts of her own. He’s looking for a partner, an equal, to share life with, whether that’s travel, dining, theater, or just a quiet evening reading together or sitting in the hot tub.

    If you’d like to explore if we might be a good match, please contact me.

    Once you’ve written your self-description, run it by some friends, both male and female. The men will think you should include different things than the women. Listen to them!

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  • Virtually falling for a guy

    I mean “virtually” two ways:

    1. As the dictionary defines it: “nearly, almost” as in not really; and
    2. Via the computer and/or phone; not face to face.

    My neighbor and I were once again comparing dating notes. She’s dipped her toe in the dating water a bit the last 6 months, going out with a handful of men. Currently, she is emailing two men she met through Chemistry.com. Both are interesting, intelligent, witty, and engaging. She finds the email veil allows her to get to know their personalities without the distraction of determining if she is physically attracted to either one.

    However, while it is important to enjoy getting to know how a guy thinks and communicates — at least in writing — we all know that it takes more than discourse to create a love interest.

    I have fallen for guys because of their emails or then through their phone calls only to have the attraction dissipate when meeting face to face. Sometimes it is my not finding them appealing, or they have irritating habits that quickly surface. Or they are not drawn to me, or I have some twitch that sends them packing.

    Scotish castleA Kansas-based friend of mine communicated with a man in Scotland via email, then in nightly hour-long VOIP conversations. They even frequently sent care packages to each other. After six months, he took 2 weeks vacation to come meet her. Because of his limited funds, he asked if he could crash on her couch in the small 2-bedroom, 1-bath house she shared with her 2 daughters.

    Although they had exchanged pictures, of course the 3-dimensional person looked different than either expected. But because they had built up a bond through the ether, they were at least not repulsed. However, as each day of his visit progressed, she became less and less enamored with him. Since this 38-year-old man lived with his parents, he didn’t bother to pick up his wet towels from her bathroom floor, nor help with any dinner preparation or clean up. After dinner, his rear became wedged in her recliner while she and the girls cleaned up. Other irritating, self-absorbed habits quickly emerged so she was ready to send him packing in less than a week. The “real” Scot was quite different than the “virtual” one.

    If he isn’t in person as you’d hoped, it’s easy to think that all the time you spent communicating with a guy is wasted. Perhaps you are honest and say, “I’ve really liked how we communicated these last few weeks, but I’m not feeling the spark to think we have a romantic connection. Would you be willing for us to remain in contact as friends?” Many men see this as the kiss of death and may say “yes” but not initiate nor respond to any contact in the future.

    During those weeks of emailing, you have, no doubt, enjoyed yourself, so it was a form of entertainment. And you may have learned something about yourself as you responded to his questions. Maybe he asked, “Who do you think the best US president was?” and you hadn’t really thought about it. You spend a little time ruminating before you respond, then are pleased with your answer and supporting arguments. You’ve uncovered something you didn’t know about yourself!

    And of course, maybe he’ll accept your invitation — or offer his own — to be your pal. I keep in touch with over a dozen guys I went out with who are now my pals and I treasure each of them. So even if you have the attitude that you don’t need any more friends, don’t totally discard an interesting guy so quickly, even if there is no romantic spark. And you never know when a romantic spark may be kindled once you get to know each other’s hearts better.

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  • Phone number screens dating callers for you

    GrandCentralMy friend Doug alerted me to a new service he thought would be perfect for daters (no, he’s not representing the company). It’s called GrandCentral.com.

    It allows you to have a free phone number in any area code you want. You can give it to guys you meet online or in person and there’s no way to trace the number back to your name or address. Additionally, you set it to forward to the phone(s) you want: cell, home, work. You can even set it to forward to a different phone depending on the time of day so you don’t get dating calls at work.

    You can screen your calls or block callers you don’t want to talk to. You can listen in on people leaving voice mail before taking the call. Sounds perfect for avoiding stalkers or those who are obtuse. For guys who don’t really understand “I don’t want to see you anymore,” now you don’t have to change your number.

    It lets you have different messages for different callers. “Yes, Steve, my sweet patootie, I’d love to have dinner with you Sunday.” “No, Dash, it’s too little too late, so please don’t call again.” “No Robin, calling me at 10:00 p.m. to ask if you can bring over a DVD screams ‘bootie call’ and I’m not interested.”

    Which reminds me of this message, reported to be on someone’s answer machine, forwarded from my friend Paulette Ensign (The Booklet Queen).

    “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

    If you are out of the US (like DG readers Gatti, Cat and ER), you can get a US number if you’re Skypecommunicating with folks in the US, then hear your voice mails from the GrandCentral web site. If you want to talk to the person real time, you can always use Skype for pennies per minute.

    If you’re interested, now during the beta period they are offering goodies to try the service. You can have unlimited inbound minutes, unlimited voicemail, and all premium features, including call record. You can check voice mail from a phone or the web site.

    I contacted the owners and they said they’d give DG readers a $5 credit on outbound calling.  You can then return calls directly from your voice mail or from the site while displaying your GrandCentral caller ID and keeping your phone number private. But for GrandCentral to know you’re one of my readers and get the $5 credit, you need to use the code “DatingGoddess” in the promotion code field on the sign up page.

    If Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, JDate and other sites were savvy, they’d have this service as part of their package. It would eliminate many of those jitters of “Do I trust him enough to give him my number?”

    I signed up for the beta. If you do, too, let me know what you think.

    Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.