Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Real deal or faux beau

  • The 60-day relationship review

    Most companies require new employees to undergo a 30-, 60-, and/or 90-day review to discuss how they are doing at their job. Typically part of the discussion is how well the employee thinks s/he is doing and what s/he likes and doesn’t like about the job. The boss then shares how she thinks the employee is doing, what is working and what needs improvement.

    I think relationships should have a 60-day (or 90-day) relationship review. This way both parties could get a reality check on how s/he sees the relationship in comparison to the other. Both people could answer the questions, first on paper, then sharing their answers with the other. Some sample questions could be:

    On a scale of 1-10, how well do you think the relationship is going, considering we’ve been seeing each other for 2 months?

    What do you feel is going well?

    What would you like more of?

    What would you like less of?

    What would it take for this relationship to be a 10 for you?

    Do you think we should continue seeing each other?

    You are not asking for a commitment, but honestly assessing and sharing how each other feels. If there is a big disparity — you rate the relationship an 8 and he gives it a 4 — then time to decide if the gap can be closed and what it would take to close it.

    You may learn that what he needs for it to be a 7, 8, or 9 are things you can’t provide. Maybe he wants to be with you 5 days a week and your schedule won’t accommodate that.

    Or maybe you’ll discover other discrepancies. You can then discuss them and make a mature decision whether to continue seeing each other or not.

    Some people don’t want to have this discussion because they think it will upset the apple cart and drive the guy away. My attitude is if having a conversation like this after dating for 2 months would drive him away, then you’re better off without him. The value of having this review is that you can see how you both feel. And if you need to move on, best to know now rather than waiting another 2 months.

    What questions would you ask at the 2-month mark?

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  • The Valentine’s angst is upon us

    Valentine’s Day can be stressful, no matter what your situation.

    If you don’t have a sweetie in your life and want one, perhaps you’re feeling some stress. One radio interviewer wanted me to help his listeners with ideas on how to get a sweetheart by Valentine’s Day. Since I’m not in the quick-hookup business, I had no advice to offer.

    flowers for readersOr perhaps you’ve been dating someone, but there’s been no discussion of the “big” day — made “big” thanks to incessant marketing by card companies, florists, restaurants, candy makers, lingerie stores, airlines, hotels and spas. Perhaps you find yourself with those dreaded expectations — he needs to do something romantic, or he’s history.

    Or maybe, you’re like this DG reader who has been dating someone for a while, a special dinner has been planned, but she’s at a loss for what she is to do.

    What is appropriate valentine etiquette for a gift for guys? Do you get them something? I know that we are having a dinner at a nice restaurant and the guy I’ve been dating for 6 months has made a reference the a valentine gift, but do I get him something? If so what? Or just a card?

    DG charm braceletI would definitely get him a nice card, and the gift’s price would be based on past gifts. You’ve spent the holidays together, so, depending on your gift-giving tradition, I’d take a note from that. Did you exchange simple gifts then, perhaps a CD, inexpensive clothing, or book? Or was it something a bit more substantive? Unless you two are used to exchanging expensive gifts, Valentine’s Day gifts tend to be less costly. Unless, of course, his gift involves diamonds in a ring.

    Gifts for the two of you are the most romantic, I think. Something you’d both enjoy, say tickets to a concert or play or ball game, or if he likes some pampering, a couple’s massage. Or you can get him something just for him that you know he’d appreciate. Not the usual tie or golf balls, but a lesson with the golf pro or shirt to go with that new suit. If you are on a tight budget, then a coupon for a museum date followed by a hand-packed picnic, or his favorite dinner cooked by you, or even some massage oil and a voucher for a 30-minute massage from you.

    By all means avoid stuffed animals and “cute” items. While you and your gal pals may think these are precious, few — if any — men will think these are great gifts. Your man may fake appreciation — he wants to stay on your good side so he can reap the benefits of his Valentine’s largesse — but as soon as you are not around it will be jettisoned to an unobtrusive place so his pals don’t discover it and give him endless grief. And guess who will be the next recipient of the cute stuffed bear with a heart you gave him? His next girlfriend.

    Do you have any angst about Valentine’s Day? If so, share what it is.

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  • The dangers of idealization

    On a third date, a guy and I were sharing how well we both felt we got along and how well matched we seemed to be. He surprised me when he said, “Don’t idealize me.” I hadn’t been. I was clear on his imperfections, yet was enjoying the parts that I liked.

    It can be easy to idealize someone after a few dates if he seems to fit your perfect-guy criteria. In “Falling in lust” I wrote about a different man: “There were no red flags —- is that a red flag that he has no immediately detectable flaws?”Jimmy Choo

    Seeing no detectable flaws is a very good sign that you are idealizing. If you feel yourself falling head over your Jimmy Choos within the first few dates, that is another sign. You are overlooking potential red — or at least yellow — flags.

    You may say, “What’s the problem with idealizing? Isn’t that what being in love is? You only see the positives of the subject of your ardor?”

    Idealizing means you barely notice any foibles. And if you do observe them, you dismiss their being a problem. He’s always late for your dates? He just gets distracted at work. He didn’t remember your birthday? He has so much on his mind he forgot. He doesn’t apologize when he inconveniences you? He means to, but it’s hard for him. And on and on we go, offering excuses to anyone who asks.

    Venus de MiloHowever, what if he idealizes you? One man I dated came close to this. It seemed I could do no wrong. And if I did something like be late for a date, although I called to let him know I was stuck in traffic, he brushed over any hint that I could do anything untoward. While it was nice to have the ground beneath my feet worshipped, I knew it also meant that I would be tumbling from my pedestal at some point. That time came 7 weeks into our dating when he emailed me that he’d like us to just be friends. I don’t know how long chunks had been falling from my marble column.

    So while it can be exhilarating to be in the bliss of adoring someone so much you hardly note the gnats of his failings, it is also dangerous as it’s easy to lose your heart, and with it your common sense. Best to have the strength to ask a few good friends what they see, and not get defensive when they point out what your blind spot is blocking.

    And while it can be flattering and ego enhancing to be on the receiving end of idealized adoration, know that it is not healthy. Your eventual fall from the pedestal can be painful if you don’t help your devotee see that his effusiveness is not entirely warranted.

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  • Is your date trainable?

    Sometimes I’m asked why I don’t always speak up when a date does something I don’t like. I weigh several things:

    • Do I care enough about this relationship to put effort in trying to improve it?
      If it is a one-time coffee date with someone I can see isn’t a good match, then I don’t say anything. Or if I have been on the fence and am weighing if I want to keep seeing him, when the scale tips to “no,” why say something? Perhaps it’s just a problem for me, but the next gal won’t be bothered by the behavior.
    • Is the act something that is core to his personality, so isn’t likely to be changed?
      The golf addict‘s self-absorption was too core to him that it would have taken more than I wanted to invest in changing him. And after spending more time with him I decided he didn’t have enough compelling characteristics for me to think it would be worth the effort for him to be a match.
    • Will he hear it without getting defensive?
      Some of his reaction will be based on how I make my request or comment. Some men have become defensive when I’ve made what I thought was a simple request in a pleasant tone nicely phrased. If I have evidence that he’ll get defensive, then I will pick my battles carefully. Of course, if he gets defensive easily, he’s not going to be around long!
    • If it is something simple, I will say something if I care about deepening the relationship.
      For example, if I’d decided I wanted to continue seeing him, I would have said something when the golf addict wore his golf cap during lunch inside the cafe. Or I would have made a comment or request to the date who watched TV over my shoulder at dinner. Or the one who didn’t walk me to my door when bringing me home from a date. While these could be considered “core” inconsiderate behaviors, if a guy hasn’t been with a woman in a while, I think he forgets (or perhaps never knew) how to be considerate.

    Women friends say, “You need to say something or he’ll never learn and he’ll keep treating other women this way.” First, what seems inconsiderate to me, may not to another woman. In sharing the instance of they guy dropping me off without walking me to my door, a gal pal said that wouldn’t bother her in the least. And she hates having the chair pulled out for her, doors opened, and assistance with her coat. So different strokes.

    Second, I don’t think it is my place in early dates to train someone. If a successful, educated, midlife man isn’t astute enough to understand common courtesies, I don’t think I should be training him. I don’t want to be his mother. If his parents didn’t train him, he needs to be smart enough to know that his behaviors are critical in both personal and business relationships, and he needs to have become educated in how to best treat people.

    helping with coatIf we have dated a few times and it’s something important to me and I’ll say something. One younger man who declared he wanted to be my boyfriend, never helped with my coat, even when I was dressed up. One day I said, “Do you know how to help a woman with her coat?” He said. “No.” I said, “Then you’re going to learn.” On the third date, another began to eat his salad with his fingers. I suggested he use the fork.

    In “When do you tell your date about irritants?” I discussed the timing of the telling. If you decide to say something, timing, word choice and tone are important.

    We also need to examine how trainable we are. How do you respond when your date asks you to change something?

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  • “When can I meet your kids?”

    I have never asked a guy this. However, a woman recently shared that she asks this on the first date. Additionally she asks, “When would you be comfortable meeting mine, and each others’ friends?”

    Even though I don’t have kids, I know how protective most people are of theirs and introducing them to people they’re dating. Most don’t want to parade a bunch of dates by their kids, but instead want to only introduce them to each other after dating someone for a while.

    My pal feels differently. She says her teenaged daughter is comfortable meeting her dates early on, and she knows a man cares about her if he introduces his kids to her. If a man balks or says it will take 6 months, she doesn’t see him again. She says that’s just too long. It limits when they can see each other to when he doesn’t have his kids.

    Since this isn’t an issue for me, I asked some dating moms what they thought. Most agreed that asking about when to meet the kids was not an appropriate first-date question. The consensus was also that kid meeting generally happens after a few months of exclusive dating.

    I don’t ask to meet the kids — even if they are grown. I figure a man knows when he wants this to happen and will bring it up when he does. I’m not in a hurry so I let it evolve organically.

    If you have kids, how long do you need to date someone before you introduce them to each other? If you don’t have children, when would you expect to be introduced? Do you ask to meet his kids?

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  • The “Better Than Nothing” guy

    if-im-so-wonderful.jpgIn my friend Susan Page’s bestselling book, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever she discusses the “Better Than Nothing” (BTN) partner. A BTN is someone you know isn’t “the one,” yet you hang onto him because you feel it’s better to have someone than no one.

    I find myself in a BTN relationship. And I think he feels similarly. He lives a few hundred miles away, and although he calls every day, he’s only made one trip to see me in 6 months. I visited him once, and he aborted another trip I had planned a month later. But he still calls daily, so I know he has some interest in continuing the connection. It feels like we are in a BTN relationship.

    Why stay in BTN relationships? You know you havespare tire someone who will accompany you to a wedding or party, if needed. You can probably count on him for New Year’s Eve. It gives you some security, like the spare tire in your trunk, even if you don’t use it much. Just like the spare tire, you know it is temporary.

    If you are exclusive with your BTN, you deprive each other of finding someone who is a much better fit. If you aren’t exclusive, your BTN is the “spare” you have to fall back on if others don’t work out.

    How do you know if you are the other’s BTN? By the lack of motivation he shows in seeing you or calling you — in other words courting you. If he’s lackadaisical about wooing you, you are, no doubt, a BTN.

    Do you tell him that he isn’t “the one” but you’d still like to see him? In other words, that he’s a BTN? If it seems he’s more serious about you than you are him, then yes, let him know. It is only fair. I would avoid using the BTN wording, but let him know you don’t feel he is “the one.” Then he can choose to continue seeing you, or not, but at least you’re honest.

    With the holidays coming up, I think people cling more tightly to their BTNs. The prospect of being alone at holiday parties or New Year’s Eve can be a downer.

    What do you think of BTNs? Have you been in a BTN relationship? Why did you decide to continue or break up?

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  • When do you tell your date about irritants?

    There seem to be several camps on this:

    1. Immediately when the annoyance happens, even on the first date. Say something so he can modify his behavior. No matter how small the irritation, you should say something when it happens.
    2. Not on the first date, unless the behavior is egregious (blowing his nose in the cloth napkin, walking 5 paces in front of you, wearing a hat inside a nice restaurant, fondling you in public).
    3. Only when it happens frequently enough that you can’t tolerate it anymore. Giving someone grace shows maturity unless you can’t stand that pen-top clicking, fingernail-tooth cleaning, or utterance of “cool,” “like,” or “ya know” one more time.
    4. Only if you think you’re interested in seeing him in the future. Why bring it up if you have no interest in him?

    My preference is a combination of 2, 3 and 4. When I’ve had dates who subscribe to #1 and nit pick about what I consider minor infractions, the cumulative affect is I feel picked on.

    This is something that I wouldn’t have thought to be a deal breaker. But it has been. More than once.

    Here are some things to ponder about feedback:

    • Frequency. It’s not just what someone nitpicks about. It’s the frequency. If he brings to my attention every detail he doesn’t like, it gets trying. You need to pick your battles and only point out behaviors you find obnoxious. So when he wipes clean his silverware in an upscale restaurant, notice his anal retentiveness, but don’t comment. Unless he starts doing it for the couple at the next table.
    • Tone. Someone’s tone is important as well. I can take constructive feedback, but not easily if someone has an irritated tone, or sounds as if I’m an idiot for behaving a certain way. I try to have a patient tone, but I know that when you let an irritant go on too long, it does come through in your “that’s the last straw” voice.
    • Phrasing. How the feedback is phrased is important, too. Some people like you to blurt out the problem, “You have bad breath,” vs. a softer, more indirect choice, “Let’s have a mint before we continue kissing.” Men tell me the latter drives them crazy, yet many women find the former too blunt and insensitive. Ah, the differences in the genders!
    • Location. The place is important, too. Don’t criticize a man in front of others. If he’s doing someone you find offensive, either whisper it to him, or get him to step away from the others. He can become embarrassed — as would you — to hear it in front of friends or colleagues. Also, bringing something up over a nice, romantic dinner can ruin the evening. If it can wait, leave it for later.
    • Balance with positives. I heard a suggestion that for every one piece of corrective feedback, you should have 5 positives. Otherwise the receiver will feel as I did, continually nagged.

    I went out several times with a man who had rigid expectations on when I should bring up anything that bothered me. During our time together, if I did anything he didn’t like, he told me immediately. I, on the other hand let most things go, giving him grace. However, not saying something about his nitpicking resulted in my feeling continually criticized.

    When I explained I had a different philosophy about when to deliver corrective communication, he said, “You have to say something at the time. You can’t say something hours later. It’s wrong. If you don’t say something at the time, you shouldn’t bring it up later.”

    His rule was, if you didn’t bring it up instantly upon happening, you abdicated your right to bring it up ever. I reminded him, “We talked about this on the phone. I told you I often brought up things as they happen, but sometimes I don’t realize how I feel about something until a little later.”

    “No, you have to bring it up at the time.” Now I saw that he had no concept that one could experience a feeling, like a mild irritation, but be unable to articulate why until a little later. In his mind, everyone must say what was bothersome at the moment or relinquish the chance to discuss it later. Trying to explain this concept was futile, like trying to explain a beautiful sunset to a blind person.

    I realized I couldn’t be with someone long term who had such rigid rules about what was “right” behavior from their partner, especially behavior I couldn’t control. I needed someone who could listen and gently probe if I was upset, not get angry and defensive, just as I would him. While I enjoyed many things about him, I saw that he didn’t have the communication skills I find essential for a long-term romantic partner. Needless to say, we didn’t see each other again.

    Which camp(s) are you in?

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  • Clues a guy is just looking for a booty call

    Male CallI have a new friend, the writer of “Male Call,” a syndicated newspaper columnist on “Advice From a Guy.” I asked him a question I thought might interest you. We had this exchange:

    DG: What are signs a guy is just looking for a booty call on the first date?

    MC: Wait a sec — who says guys are angling for anything more than a soul-stirring, earnest conversation about their feelings on the very first date?

    Just kidding. We want to talk about your feelings, too.

    No, but seriously. There are indeed a few things to watch for. One is excessive touching. Remember, it’s the first date — shoulder rubs and thigh squeezes are for later in the process — maybe the second date. An offhand, seemingly absentminded brush of her forearm as you’re making a point about thermonuclear dynamics is fine. We encourage it, even; it’s a subtle sign that you’re interested. (But on second thought, leave out the thermonuclear part.)

    DG: This is good. I’ve had that thigh squeezing you reference. Also, French kissing within minutes of meeting me, and “accidental” brushes of my breast. I’ve been tempted to ask “Do I have SLUT tattooed on my forehead?” I’ve even had guys tell me what positions they envision us in before the night ends. Yuck!

    Any other clues, oh wise MC?

    MC: You’ve touched on another one: he continually steers the conversation toward something sexual, or at least suggestive. You: “So, have you seen any good movies lately? I loved Little Miss Sunshine.” Him: “Yes, I have! It reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Thong Party III. You know, I happen to have a copy at home. I live just around the corner.” Bonus warning tip: He picks a place to meet that happens to be very near his bachelor pad.

    DG: You are so right, again! I had a guy suggest we go back to his place within minutes of meeting me. And I’m not showing up in cleavage-revealing, tight, short slutware or being provocative. I’d like to think I just have this mojo thing going, but I know it’s really more about his having a horny thing going.

    Thanks, MC. I guess I know more about this than I thought! But always good to hear it directly from a guy.

    (If you don’t get Male Call in your local newspaper, you can subscribe via RSS or read it online by clicking on the link.)

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  • Broaching tough conversations

    In talking with a married gal pal, we discussed how sometimes it is hard to bring up difficult issues to your mate. I shared that there were things in my marriage that I wish I’d brought up, but instead kept them to myself. She agreed that she was withholding some difficult topics in her relationship as well.

    However, in dating there is a freedom to bring up challenging topics. Often the reason you wouldn’t bring something up is because the risks are too great — you’re afraid of losing him or damaging the relationship irreparably. But when you’re dating, there is less risk, as if he responds poorly to the topic being brought to the table, he’s not a good match for you if you like to discuss things openly.

    So not to bring something up out of fear is not doing either of you a favor. You withhold something you’d really like to discuss, and he misses the opportunity to explore it with you and find out what’s on your mind. If he responds angrily (assuming you aren’t blaming him or accusing him), he’s not able to discuss difficult issues rationally and maturely. Wouldn’t you rather know that early in the relationship rather than after you’ve invested months in this guy? I would.

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  • Do you tend to your relationships the same as your plants?

    While visiting a guy I’m dating, I had some free time as he was BBQing dinner. I noticed some of his patio plants needed a little cleaning up. I asked him if I could tend to them and he said sure.

    HouseplantAs I began to clean out the spent blooms and dried leaves, it struck me that perhaps how one cares for one’s plants reflects how one cares for one’s relationship(s). Noticing his plants were a little neglected, I wondered if that was what was in store for me.

    Then I reflected on how I tend my own plants and what parallels I might draw. I purposefully have low-maintenance plants, both inside and outside. A year after my husband left 3 years ago, I decided I wanted front and back yards that gave me much joy and pleasure, but with little maintenance. Interesting that this decision was made within a few months of my beginning to date — to look for a man who I loved being with and gave me great joy — and, of course, pleasure! I merrily ripped out every shred of my dreary, married-life less-than-thriving front yard. Hmm, although I didn’t admit it at the time, in retrospect, that is somewhat parallel to my near-the-end marriage.

    Although it was hard work, I and a helper carefully and lovingly installed the new year-round blooming plants — and no lawn. Lawn would require mowing. Too much work! I wanted something joyful every season. My landscape designer even included a heart-shaped path. How serendipitous for this metaphor is that? And the hard work — isn’t that part of any good relationship?

    Low maintenance was key for me. I installed an automatically timed drip system so I didn’t have to worry about watering. My ex liked to hand water the old yard. But, like his nurturing of me, he’d neglect to water and the plants showed it by staying small, ragged, or, ultimately, shriveling. Hmm, another apt parallel.

    When friends would suggest I add a fountain, bird feeder or bird bath to my new yard, I’d quickly respond “I don’t want to have to take care of anything.” Since my husband was high maintenance — I did 90% of the “couples” business (paying bills, making travel plans, suggesting outings, household maintenance management), I am burnt out on taking care of things. I certainly don’t want a man I have to take care of, and it would be nice for a change if he did a little taking care of me.

    This Spring I completed my yard overhaul by revamping my back yard, including taking out trees, lawn and some ratty old raised beds my ex had haphazardly put together. I added a flagstone patio, several seating areas to enjoy the sun or shade, and all year-round blooming flowers. The flagstone is more permanent — reflecting, perhaps my desire and readiness for a more permanent relationship? We’ll see. I do know I now love both my yards — and will put the same thought and care into designing and nurturing my next relationship.

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  • Does he invite you to his place?

    Yesterday a friend called: “I have a new lesson about dating.” She’s been dating longer than I have so I was interested in what new wisdom she’d gleaned. “Spill,” I demanded. “Before you get too involved with someone make sure you go to his home. If he doesn’t have you over, he may have another woman in the picture.” Sigh. It is true.

    I dated a man for 6 months who refused to have me to his house. His excuse was plausible, although strange. He was living is a very small mother-in-law quarters while his house was being remodeled. It was used for storage so had just a path between boxes and stacked furniture to get to his bed the bathroom and the kitchen. While I protested that I didn’t care, he was adamant that he didn’t want me to see it because it was such a mess. Hmm. And perhaps because of women’s clothing in the closet?

    There were no other indications of another woman, so I tolerated this situation until it — and other strange behaviors — made me call it quits.

    My friend’s lesson came from a male friend of hers. For the last month she’d been dating a wonderful man, someone she was excited about and could see a future with. A week ago they were supposed to get together at his house, but he called and cancelled the date using a flimsy excuse. That was the last time she heard from him, when previously he had called every day. When lamenting to her pal, he explained how some men operate. Luckily, I think it is very few men, but there are those who are into the game.

    It is a good lesson. If he doesn’t invite you to his house within the 5th or 6th date (assuming you’ve invited him to yours), something is up. It may not be another woman, but an obsessive “privateness” or no interest in taking the relationship deeper.