Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • How long do you hedge your bet?

    You’ve been seeing someone casually, once a week for a month. You like him, he seems to like you as he keeps asking you to lunch, and ending each encounter with a passionate kiss. He calls you a few times a week and engages in an IM chat at least once a day.

    You’re not smitten with him, but you like him. He’s intelligent, funny, attentive, self-aware, doesn’t press himself on you physically beyond the kiss, talks about waiting to get sexual until the time is right. Great, huh?

    But meanwhile you continue to accept other invitations. Most are just one-time coffee meetings with nice guys but not any mutual spark.

    Then — wham — a new guy comes on the scene that takes you aback. You have one date, then due to scheduling mismatches a week passes. He calls you several times a day and tells you how much he likes you. You like him, too, in a different way than the aforementioned guy.

    But you’ve had this happen before. Part of you feels like you should tell the first guy that you’ve met someone new, but you also know that New Guy could go poof any time.

    I described a similar circumstance in “The two-suitor conundrum: What would you do?” But that situation was different in that I hadn’t met one of the parties, although he called me every day for three months before deciding to fly to meet me. And as it turned out, the newer guy went poof soon after that was written. And the out-of-towner went poof, it just took another month.

    How long can you have your feet in both camps? It’s not like you’re longing for one when you’re with the other. If you were, the decision would be easy. Neither of them knows there are others, as things haven’t heated up enough for that to seem relevant.

    My rule of thumb is: when things look like they will heat up, that is the time to decide. Ideally beforehand, not afterward. Then you’ll be thinking with your brain, not other parts of your body. You tell one that you need to let him go, as you don’t want to be intimately involved with two at once — this would not be good for anyone.

    Don’t hedge too long, or the second in line will feel used. You know how you’d feel if someone strung you along. As I mentioned in “Dating with integrity” it is sometimes hard to be 100% honest if you want to be sensitive to someone’s feelings. And while most who’ve dated online for long understand there will be others vying for your attention during the initial stages of getting to know each other, after seeing each other a while, it’s important to let someone go who you think isn’t a good match. The hard part is when you are dating two people you think are both a good match. The deciding is difficult.

    What are your guidelines for when to let someone go if you’ve been seeing two people concurrently? How long will you see both before forcing yourself to make a decision?

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  • “How many sexual partners have you had?”

    # heartThis is a deadly question to ask someone you’re dating. Whatever he says will be wrong. If he’s had fewer than you think is appropriate, you’ll think he’s inexperienced. If he’s had more — perhaps way more — than you think is acceptable, you’ll think he’s a slut.

    And what if he asks you? Same problem. There is no way to answer this early in the relationship without some judgment being made, until you’ve been together for a while and can share this information without fear of judgment.

    At a party yesterday, a midlife, never-married woman shared she’d had 60 lovers. Some of the rest of us couldn’t remember the count, as some were long ago in college. She had made a list.

    Does it matter how many notches are on your bedpost? People assume that the more lovers you’ve had, the more experienced you are at various ways to please your partner. What if you had only one or two but learned a lot?

    My suggestion: Don’t ask, don’t tell. If your date asks you, skirt around it with something like, “Enough to know how to make my partner happy.” That could apply even if there was only one.

    What do you think of this question? How have you responded when asked? And if you’ve been the one asking, what did you think when you heard his number?

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  • Getting a man to fall for you

    My friend Jeff Mac addressed an interesting question from one of his Manslations.com readers. She asked for the trick to getting a man to fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with you.

    GandhiJeff had some good advice. And since I’m always willing to horn in on my fellow blogger’s questions, my answer is to paraphrase (with apologies) Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote: “We must become the change we want to see.”

    My advice:

    We must become the woman the man we desire wants to be with.

    Now, before you get your Spanx in a knot, I’m not suggesting you become someone you’re not. Instead, become the woman who loves yourself so much (not in an arrogant way) that the man you desire can’t help but be drawn to you.

    Women tend to be so down on themselves, always pointing out the few extra pounds they need to lose, or other “flaws,” or talking about the losers they’ve been dumped by —- all while on a date! This is not appealing. Have the confidence to show you like, really like yourself! And those who have similar feelings about themselves will come your way. Your self-assurance will magnetize men who love women confident women.

    But how do you bolster faltering confidence? Work on the parts of yourself with which you aren’t completely happy. Don’t telegraph your insecurities to your date — at least in the beginning. Later, when you’ve built trust and are comfortable being vulnerable, you can share. But it is not alluring to hear someone continually point out their imperfections, especially when the other person doesn’t notice them, or if he does, they are inconsequential.

    So what could you do to be even more of a man-you-desire magnet?

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  • What’s in a name?

    Lately, I’ve been contacted by a number of men with formal names: Patrick not Pat, Charles not Charlie or Chuck, Richard not Dick or Rick or Rich. I’ve also noticed that people who use the formal version of their name are different than those who offer the informal version.

    Since I use the formal version of my name and loathe the informal version, I am sensitive to how people call themselves. I notice how someone introduces him/herself and I make a point to call them by that name. Many people automatically assume the informal. If you introduce yourself as Patricia and someone says, “Nice to meet you Patty” it says a lot about them. They are insensitive to how others prefer to be addressed.

    It can backfire, too. I have a friend whose business cards say “Frederick.” People who don’t know him shorten it to “Fred.” But he goes by “Rick.” So he knows immediately if someone is trying to seem too palsy too soon.

    My ex used his formal name, too. It astounded us to introduce ourselves at a party and hear someone immediately call us the informal versions. With few exceptions, those people did not seem to be astute about other things as well.

    I’m not sure I can articulate what it is about people who use the formal versions of their name. They are not better — I don’t mean to imply that. They can be down-to-earth, funny, and warm. But there is something different about Bob than Robert, Richard from Dick, Charlie from Chuck.

    If I’m in doubt — a man introduces himself as Robert, but then someone calls him Rob — I ask which he prefers. Once I asked a man if he’d like me to call him Mike or Michael. He paused, thinking, then said, “My mother calls me Michael. I’d like you to call me Michael.” I was hoping that was a good sign!

    If you use the formal version of your name — say, Suzanne or Susan — but a date calls you Suzi or Sue, what do you think that says about him? And if he introduces himself with the formal version, have you noticed a trend with others who also use their formal name?

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  • Are you drawn to deep-voiced men?

    Another useless study was recently released that announced, “Women favor men with deep voices.” Robin Thicke and Michael Jackson, sorry!

    Barry WhiteIt’s well known that many women are attracted to men with deep, Barry White-like voices. Part of my ex’s allure was his resonant, radio-announcer voice (he had a radio show for a few years). Another radio-news-anchor friend was a babe magnet — women fell for his voice. And one suitor melted me before we even met by wooing me on the phone with his baritone pitch.

    We now have research on this from David Feinberg, assistant professor in the Department of Psychology, Neuroscience and Behaviour at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. He and his colleagues recently published their findings in Biology Letters, concluding that “men with low-voice pitch have higher reproductive success and more children born to them.” Their thesis is based on studying the Hadza tribe of Tanzania which is a hunter-gatherer culture — one of the last. Since they have no modern birth control it was easy to determine that the men who have lower-pitched voices have more children.

    In previous studies, Feinberg found that women find men with deeper voices to be more attractive, judging them to be more dominant, older, healthier and more masculine sounding. There is some speculation that women equate deeper voices with more testosterone, thus assuming the man will be more aggressive hunting and be a good provider for her and her children.

    So the researchers surmise a deep-voiced man is more appealing to his woman, thus she is willing to copulate more often, spawning more offspring. Since this study was done with only 49 men between the ages of 18 and 55, there may have been other factors not included. We don’t know how many of the 49 men had the coveted lower-pitched voices, so let’s say half, 25. What if a number of these men had more sex because they were nicer to their woman, brought her more food so she’s happy with him, had sex with more women, choose younger, more fertile women, knew how to please her, etc. The researchers are placing a lot of emphasis on one characteristic.

    James Earl JonesAnd if we believe in natural selection, the men with deep-voice genes would have passed these on to their offspring, and we would now be living in James-Earl-Jones– land. Nearly every man would have a resonant voice.

    While I am casting dispersions on the summations of this study, intuitively I believe they are right — at least for midlife men and women. I’m sure younger women are more drawn to high-pitched voices than middle-aged women. While a falsetto can be entertaining from a singer, if a man’s speaking voice is that high, most women won’t find that enticing.

    And what women’s voices do men find appealing? Feinberg’s previous studies showed men favor women with higher-pitch voices, saying they found these women more attractive, subordinate, feminine, healthier and younger sounding.

    What have you noticed about a man’s voice tone and your attraction to him? Do you find yourself drawn to men with lower voices, even if they aren’t as attractive to you in other ways? And men, do you purposely lower your voice on the first call to communicate your masculinity?

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  • Can too much spoiling be bad?

    A man contacted me whose online name is the equivalent of Wuss4U. I laughed, as I thought it must be a joke. I read his profile:

    “I seek an aggressive woman who wants to take charge and call the shots. I am meek and mild, shy. I need a strong, forceful woman to dominate me. Tell me where to go and what to do. I will do as you say without any back talk or lip. Age, height, weight are not important. If you are interested, please wink or email me as I am probably too timid to approach you first. I am hoping for a LTR or marriage.

    “It would be fun just to be with you. You pick the movie. You control the TV remote. You choose the restaurant. Just let me bask in your presence and serve your desires. Where would you like to go? I will be happy to go with you and look after you needs.

    “My favorite thing is treating you like a princess. Your pleasure and delight is most important to me.”

    Is this a joke? (I realize there is a whole subculture for those interested in dominance/submission. Those people are usually listed on specialized sites, not mainstream ones.) For discussion sake, let’s assume he’s serious and not just kinky.

    Some men think women want a man to cater to her every whim. To kowtow to her. To be subservient. I know few — if any — women who desire this. This man has taken to extreme a woman’s desire to be appreciated and receive attention, and yes, get what she wants equally with doing what he wants. We all desire someone who pays attention to what we like and works to give that to us. It works both ways.

    Control issues can be a problem, no matter the gender. What about give-up-control issues? Would you like to be with someone who only cared about what you wanted? Only did what you wanted? On one level it would seem perfect — at least for those who really only want someone to accompany them on their desired outings.

    Part of the allure of having a relationship is seeing life from another’s perspective, experiencing what gives them joy, and perhaps expanding your own horizons. I know I’ve enjoyed this part of dating. I like it when men take me into a world I wouldn’t have sought to discover on my own. Sometimes I’ve liked the new experience; sometimes I’ve said, “Once was enough.”

    So how would you like being with Wuss4U? Would that be your idea of nirvana or hell?

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  • Give yourself more dating happiness

    My friends at LifeTwo.com asked me to participate as one of five columnists in exercises for their “Happiness Week.” I’ve written about happiness in dating a few times:

    Happiness here

    Let’s take a look at how we can meld things that make us happy into our dating activities. Start by looking at what makes you happy. As part of LifeTwo.com’s exercises, I was to answer several questions around what made me happy. The first list was about simple pleasures. Here are some of mine:

    • Sitting in and working in my garden
    • Reading an interesting book
    • Watching an interesting movie
    • Napping
    • Biking
    • Hiking
    • Watching the ocean
    • Snorkeling
    • Viewing a thought-provoking museum exhibit
    • People watching
    • Chocolate!
    • Meaningful discussions
    • Listening to and/or dancing to R&B music
    • Warm bubble bath
    • Silk, cashmere, suede
    • Comfortable shoes
    • Cute shoes
    • Cute, comfortable shoes
    • Stretching/yoga
    • Laughing/making others laugh

    Now the key is to see how many you can combine with your date. I can do all of the above alone or with someone. When you make your list, see which ones you can enjoy with a special guy.

    Now you may think this is common sense. I used to think the same way. Until I noticed I was doing most of the above alone or with gal pals. Now I’m better at suggesting activities from the above list, as well as participating in things from his list. If you only suggest or agree to the traditional movies and dinner, it gets old, even if you like that as an evening’s entertainment. Mix it up.

    You could ask the guy you’re seeing to make his list, you make yours, then you show each other your lists and see which ones you are interested in doing together. It will make you happier to be together!

    You won’t be surprised that also included were:

    • Flirting with an interesting guy
    • Hugs
    • Kisses
    • Snuggling

    Which, of course, I can also do with a special guy!

    If you’re dating someone you aren’t happy around, decide to make yourself happy or get out now. Notice I didn’t say “someone who doesn’t make you happy.” You, of course, are the only one who can make yourself happy or unhappy. But sometimes we think we are looking for someone who will make us happy. And I do think it’s important to be with someone who’s interested in making you happy. But ultimately, it is you who decides if you are happy or not.

    Read the rest of my responses on the questions posed to me, if you’re interested.

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  • What’s your need for affiliation?

    A friend shared with me the concept of people having different needs for affiliation — how much “people contact” they need.

    As you would guess, some have a very low need for affiliation — someone like the Unabomber who is content to live like a hermit with human contact only a few times a year, and then only because of necessity. Granted, he is mentally ill, but you get my drift.

    And some people have a very high need to be around people and get depressed when they aren’t. Think Paris Hilton (we’ll skip any assessment about mental health). I find it interesting that some of these folks can just be in the presence of others — not interacting with them — and still have their itch scratched. That may be the case for people who spend all day in a popular park, Starbucks, Borders, or the library, reading and working. They talk with very few people, if any, but they just like being around others.

    My theory is this: Your dating behaviors reflect your need for affiliation. So if you have a high need, you’re apt to email, call and IM the person you’re dating multiple times a day. (We began to explore this in “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?“)

    scratchIf your guy has less need for affiliation — perhaps much less — than you, he will soon tire of scratching your people-contact itch. But if you think he’s just being standoffish, or ignoring you, you will become annoyed.

    And if it is he who has the higher people-connection need, you will be irritated about his seemingly unending desire for attention. And “need” is the operative word here. It is the word we use to describe people who want more than we are comfortable giving: needy.

    But what if you both have similar affiliation needs? Then it’s not really needy, is it? You’re both scratching each others’ itch. And it feels good. Or what if you both have high affiliation needs, but he doesn’t contact you as often as you’d like because he gets his needs met by coworkers and pals?

    So define where you are on an Affiliation Continuum. I know, sometimes it varies. But think, generally, do you like a lot of people contact, talking to coworkers frequently at work, chatting with friends and family while commuting, exercising and while doing chores? Do you have talk radio on at home, work and/or the car? Is the TV on when you’re home, even when you’re not watching? Do you IM, text and/or email constantly? Give yourself a 10.

    Or, at the other end of the spectrum, do you rarely talk on the phone other than for business? Do your parents have to call you because you don’t think of calling them? Would you prefer to get an email over talking on the phone? Is your home silent, or with just instrumental music in the background and the TV rarely on? Are you more likely to read or work in a deserted place, rather than in a public spot with people around?

    You could think I’m describing introverts and extroverts. But take a look at these definitions:

    • Introvert: a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person; a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
    • Extrovert: an outgoing, overtly expressive person; a person predominantly concerned with external things or objective considerations.

    I see these as different from the need for affiliation. You could be an extrovert — the life of the party — when you are at a party, but not have a strong need to be at a lot of parties. Or you could like to talk on the phone and be around other people without being gregarious, a common description of extroverts.

    The point is to be conscious of your need for affiliation and sensitive to his. Mark where you are most comfortable on the Affiliation Continuum between 1 and 10. Place a mark where you think your guy falls. See if you’re a long way apart. If so, then discuss it.

    For example, if he’s a once-a-day-contact guy and you are a multiple-contact gal, then ask if it bothers him that you contact him a few times a day. If he says no, then also say you are perfectly OK with his saying he’ll get back to you later if it isn’t a good time. The key is to be sensitive to what’s driving your behavior, as well as his needs, and try not to be judgmental about his.

    But that’s the key to so much in having a healthy relationship, isn’t it?

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  • R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    Aretha FranklinOtis Redding wrote it.

    Aretha Franklin belted it.

    The song says all the writer/singer wants is respect from his/her partner. Just a little respect.

    Have you ever felt someone you were dating for a while didn’t respect you? Maybe he chastised you, second guessed you or told you your actions or decisions were wrong?

    Or have you noticed your own lack of respect in the man? He acted in ways you thought were juvenile, or made decisions you felt weren’t thought through? You may have kept these observations to yourself or you may have said something. Even if you thought you were keeping it to yourself, I can guarantee the disrespect seeped out.

    You may be saying, “Respect is a deal breaker. Why bother even mentioning it?”

    Because some of us were raised in environments with little respect. Disrespect was the norm. So if we give or receive disrespect, we think that is how relationships are supposed to be.

    I’ve been on both sides. I’m not proud to admit I haven’t always hidden it if someone I’ve been dating for a while does something I think is immature. Of course, the outcome is predictably bad. It can — and usually does — cause a chasm in the relationship.

    Respect is critical for a healthy relationship to work. Not that we don’t all periodically do things that are not fully thought through, or naive or even, in retrospect, foolish. But to have this pointed out by the person we’re wanting most to impress is not a good thing. Not at all. When we discover our folly, there is usually enough self-flagellation that no one else needs to remind us of our stupidity.

    And if we don’t think what we said/did/decided is dumb, we really don’t want to hear that the other thought it was. We feel disrespected. Which no one wants to feel.

    If you can talk about this feeling of disrespect calmly and rationally with your guy, great. It is hard to do without one or both of you getting defensive. The person showing disrespect feels justified, and the person who said/did what caused the reaction feels justified.

    dinner bellBut it is important to note when you have feelings of being disrespected by the man you’re seeing, as well as when you feel he’s made a dumb decision. The more frequently either of these occur, the more the bells should be going off in your head — and not the sweet chime of a dainty dinner bell. These are fire station alarms clanging warning you to wake up and get out of the building (AKA relationship)!

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  • The flirt-talk continuum

    I’ve noticed that flirt-talk typically starts out innocently — you share things you like about the other, compliment him/her, tell him/her you think s/he’s cute, sexy or a catch, comment that you’re looking forward to talking/seeing him/her again. In person this is coupled with smiles, laughter, perhaps light touches and other body language to show you like the other. It can progress — in one date or many — to hand holding, arm linking, hugs, kissing, and more.

    However, I’ve noticed that more men than women don’t seem to understand the subtle line between flirting (with perhaps suggestive innuendo) and downright explicit raunchiness. In fact, one guy (“Lessons from a bad date“) began his “flirting” at raunchy.

    Once one is comfortable flirting with the other, seeing a positive response, and feeling it is okay, you can move up the continuum. For many woman, however, this will take a bit of time and trust. In fact, some women (and some men) will never be comfortable either giving or receiving anything beyond initial flirting talk. I think it is critical to be conscious of the other’s reaction and not press if s/he seems uncomfortable.

    In fact, I’ve told men I “didn’t want to go there” when they got too explicit for my comfort level, and they ignored me. They were the ones soon being ignored — by me.

    And of course, neither party may want to go to the far right of the continuum. That’s part of finding out who the other person is and where s/he is comfortable, as well as setting your own boundaries.

    In the interest in helping define, then educate men (and women), I thought I’d take a crack at illustrating a flirt-talk continuum. Granted, DG male readers — at least the ones who comment — are astute enough to already know these distinctions. So perhaps they, as well as our women readers, will help refine this.

    flirt talk

    (Click on the image for a larger view.)

    Here are some definitions to help distinguish the levels:

    Innuendo: an allusive or oblique remark or hint, typically a suggestive one

    Suggestiveness: making someone think of sex and sexual relationships

    Titillating: stimulating or exciting, especially in a sexual way

    Raunchy: earthy, vulgar, and often sexually explicit

    Vulgar: making explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions

    What do you think about this continuum? Should there be finer gradations? In a different order? Other words?

    And how do you decide whether or not to go to the next level? What if your date is going to another level faster than you’d prefer?

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  • Are you “skin hungry”?

    touchA friend used this term to describe when someone longs for touch. She said it means someone hasn’t been touched in a while, or perhaps as much as they like. Maybe their friends or family aren’t the touching type. They crave human contact — literally. But especially opposite-sex contact, even if it’s just holding hands or hugging.

    Although I like physical contact, I’ve had dates get too touchy too soon. I’ve tended to think they were just horny, even if they didn’t try to read my body using the Braille method.

    Have you ever found yourself being a bit physically clingy, especially on the first or second dates, before you really know the guy? I’ve found myself slipping my hand in his on the second date, before I really felt a lot of connection, just because it seemed like that’s what should happen at that point.

    So I empathize with someone’s wanting physical touch. I’ve learned to be a tad cautious, however, as we know touch sends signals that you are feeling connected and fond of the person. Sometimes this gets interpreted as feeling more attracted to the person than you are.

    What to do when you find yourself being skin hungry? See if you can be around family members who enjoy your touch. Young nieces, nephews or grandkids who like to hold hands or sit in your lap while you read to them are great ways to get your skin hunger satisfied. Or plan an outing with a friend who likes to hug hello or link arms when walking. I have a male friend who loves to snuggle, so going to the movies with him is a treat when I have a touching deficit.

    But with your dates, be conscious if your itch to be touched is appropriate to be scratched by him. Be sensitive to the message that it sends. And if the touching goes beyond what you are comfortable with, then gently say something. Don’t punish him for a yearning you have that may send him an unintentional green light.

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