Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • My phone’s not ringing. Is that you not calling?

    phoneMy pal Manslations blog writer Jeff Mac wrote about how to get a man you’re seeing to call you instead of just texting, IMing and emailing. He had some good wisdom about how we often think the other has the same preferences as us, so we don’t think of doing anything differently.

    Jeff wisely suggests being honest (honesty — what a concept!) about your desire to talk on the phone. He said to try, “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact.”

    He linked to my posting “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?” (thanks Jeff!), so I felt compelled to comment. Here’s what I shared:

    My only tweak would be instead of “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact” I’d say something like “I notice we don’t talk on the phone. I like chatting live periodically. Would it be ok with you if we talked on the phone every few days?”

    The reason for the suggestion is the “I notice that you…” puts the onus on him — that it’s his responsibility for calling. And it hints at blame that he hasn’t called. I hate it when someone says “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” What — are your fingers broken? You can’t make the call if you want to talk?

    In any communication, whether in dating, work, or personal life, your word choice speaks volumes. A little word like “you” can be inclusive and persuasive or blaming and repelling. When you want someone to grant your request, be conscious of your word choice and work to eliminate words that could be interpreted the opposite of your intention.

    And I’m sure you know this, but perhaps it will serve as a reminder: Use “I” messages whenever possible. “I’d like to talk on the phone more often,” or “I love it when you call,” rather than “I’d like you to call me,” or worse, “You never call.” The latter are more likely to be off putting.

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  • Kisses do tell

    KissWomen place more emphasis on the first kiss than men do. We use it as part of determining if we want to see the man again or not.

    University at Albany researchers Susan M. Hughes, Marissa A. Harrison, and Gordon G. Gallup, Jr. recently published their findings on kissing in an Evolutionary Psychology article.

    This was another study using only college students, 1,041 in fact. So I’m not sure that we can assume that this information applies to midlife daters. But it does seem consistent with my experience — a sample size of one.

    Many of the college students reported having been attracted to someone, then discovered they were no longer interested after they kissed them for the first time. “In other words,” said Gallup, an evolutionary psychologist, “While many forces lead two people to connect romantically, the kiss, particularly the first kiss, can be a deal breaker.”

    Exactly. In “In search of the elusive good kisser” I share the challenge of finding men who fit my criteria in this area. As I’ve gone out with 80 men now, although I haven’t kissed all of them, I’ve kissed enough that I’ve begun to relax my standards a bit. But if a man is such a sloppy kisser I need a towel afterwards, or has other kissing habits I find off putting, it will be a factor in my decision to see him again.

    Kissing as a determinant of another date is mostly true just for women. Men said they saw kissing an a way to gain sexual favors or to make up after a problem. But women use kissing to assess the status of the relationship. Most females shared they would never engage in sex without kissing. However, men would; men said they’d have sex with someone who was not a “good” kisser.

    The study showed that it was more common for males than females to initiate French kissing. In my experience, many men don’t gauge accurately if the woman is ready for that intimacy or not. They go there too soon, which can be a turn off rather than a turn on.

    What do you think about first kisses? Does the man or woman generally initiate? And do you use a first passionate kiss to determine if you’re interested in continuing seeing your date?

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  • Flower power

    If you’ve read Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 for long, you will know I am an incurable romantic. In fact, my YahooPersonals “love profile” assessment labeled me as “Romantic,” which it describes as:

    You want and expect it all —- a lasting connection with someone on every level —- mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual.

    You also know I’ve mentioned in several postings (Tips for men, What’s your definition of romance?) how much mileage a man could get by bringing a single rose to the first date. Some readers thought this was corny or clichéd. I don’t, but it hadn’t happened to me — before last night.

    red roseMr. New Guy did so much of what I’ve been preaching I would swear he’s read this blog! He not only kept in contact by email and phone since he first emailed me last week, but he texted me yesterday afternoon saying he was looking forward to our meeting. When he got lost on his way to our rendezvous, he called to explain why he’d be late. He showed up with the aforementioned red rose, nicely wrapped in cellophane with baby’s breath, greenery and a red ribbon.

    He dressed in a nice “babe magnet” suede sports jacket (buttery to touch). We had an enjoyable give and take over wine, where he said nice things (he loved my profile photos but they didn’t do me justice, and I looked 10 years younger). (While I know this is classic wooing behavior, he didn’t say these like a player would — accompanied by a smile and a leer.) He asked if I wanted to have dinner, and walked on the outside and opened doors as we strolled to the restaurant. At the end of the evening, he asked if he could walk me to my car, where we parted in a hug and both said “I had a great time.”

    Now if he’d only brought the rose independent of these other behaviors would he have stood out? Some. But all of these things together showed me he knew how to date. He understood that the first date was really an audition. He knew how important first impressions are. He got it. He did what he knew to do to get the second date — assuming he wants one. (It might have helped that last month he took a new job, which required a dozen interviews over six months. Perhaps it was fresh in his mind what it took to win someone over.)

    Will I see him again? In my follow up thank-you email I said I’d be happy if he wanted to do something again. So far, nothing back from him.

    By the way, his YahooPersonals “love profile” assessment is also Romantic. And, according to YP we’re the same personality type too. We’ll see if any of this matters in whether or not he asks me out again.

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  • Do you both have the same dating rhythm?

    I had an epiphany today. It began with my being flummoxed that I hadn’t heard from Dreamboat after our dinner date Wed. where we decided we wanted to see each other again. We’d emailed a brief “had a great time with you” the next day and that was the last I’ve heard from him.

    Perhaps I’m spoiled. But usually after a talk like “I want to see you again” I hear from the man within a day or two wanting to set up the next outing.

    Based on my experience of him last year, I knew not to put all my beaus in one basket. So I continued emailing a man who’d contacted me early last week. He’d emailed me every day, and called Sat. to set up a coffee meeting for this Tuesday. In the emails he asked if I liked the theater, opera, hiking, and what kind of restaurants I liked. He suggested some outings and after our call, emailed that he’s looking forward to meeting me.

    My epiphany was people have different rhythms in dating. Some think once/week contact is fine, others like daily emails and/or calls. Some like to go out once a week, others like two or three encounters each week. Some like it when you make plans in advance, ohters like spontaneous encounters.

    I think it would be a good idea to clarify your preferences with someone once you decide you both want to start seeing each other. Otherwise you can be disappointed if they don’t naturally fall into your desired pattern of contact.

    But since I have just had this epiphany, I haven’t actually tried this idea. I’m not sure when one would actually bring up this conversation. It might seem awkward on the first date, unless you are really being honest with each other about what you want in a relationship.

    I like that the new guy is making regular contact, probing to find out what activities I’d like, and saying nice things. This may sound so “Duh” to you, but my experience is not many guys do this. I like that he seems to “get” dating. He seems to understand that dating can be more than just getting together for take out and a DVD, or dinner and a movie. While I haven’t even met the guy yet, I already like his rhythm.

    So how do you broach the subject of expectations when first dating? Or have you had a guy broach it first?

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  • Is your sense of humor stunting your dating?

    In many online profiles, both genders say they want a mate who possess a good sense of humor. But what really does that mean? For many, it means the man makes a funny (or almost funny) comment and the woman laughs.

    But what if the woman is the funny (or funnier) one?

    If you are the life of the party, some men are threatened. The person who gets others to laugh is the center of attention. This is a powerful position, as you hold court. “Making” someone laugh implies they can’t help themselves — they must laugh. This shows you have wit, confidence, presence, popularity — and power.

    Snow WhiteIn Gina Barreca‘s book, They Used to Call Me Snow White…but I Drifted: Women’s Strategic Use of Humor. she mentions the findings of anthropologist Matadev Apte*. Gina says, “In communities around the world women who tell jokes are regarded as sexually promiscuous. The connection between humor and sexual invitation is made up of many links, among them the thought that it takes certain ‘fallen’ knowledge to make a joke.”

    I could understand if the jokes or wise cracks were bawdy, risqué, racy, suggestive, naughty, off-color, earthy, vulgar, crude, coarse, lewd, dirty, filthy, smutty, unseemly, X-rated, blue, or raunchy. But Dr. Apte doesn’t distinguish what kind of jokes put you in the promiscuous category, just any woman who tells jokes. I’d guess those who make funny, witty remarks would also be categorized as loose women.

    So that leaves women like Gina and me, and perhaps you, in an uncomfortable place. If we are witty and funny, as Gina definitely is and I can be, we are thought to be sluttish. But since making others laugh is also powerful, we are now powerful wanton women. Not something I have a lot of trouble with, and I doubt Gina does either. But it is interesting that for a woman, being funny can be a detriment in some situations.

    Whoopie GoldbergI wonder if hilarious women like Lucille Ball, Phyllis Diller, Whoopie Goldberg, Paula Poundstone, and Gilda Radner ever felt their humor held them back when dating. Or did they just keep dating until they found a partner who appreciated their wise cracks?

    That’s my strategy. I’m proud that I was voted “Wittiest” by my high school classmates. I’ve had a room full of 1500 mostly male CEOs laughing. I used to crack up my ex. I’m not willing to dial it back because some man’s ego can’t take my being the center of attention for my witticisms. Nope. If he doesn’t crack up too, we’re not a good match.

    What about you and your ability to make your date laugh? Do you find this is a good thing, or does it get in the way?

    * Humor and Laughter: An Anthropological Approach by Matadev Apte

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  • Does he treat you like his ex?

    The question is really, “Does the guy you’re dating treat you like he treated his ex wife?” Not the way he currently treats his ex wife, as he could treat her better or worse than when they were together. But does he behave the way he did when they were together?

    Let me give you an example. I was wooed by a man who lives 400 miles away. He called me every day for 4 months before we met. Finally, he flew to meet me and got a hotel room for the weekend. We enjoyed a variety of activities that weekend as we got to know each other face to face.

    TVSeveral weeks later I needed to be in his city for business, so he invited me to stay with him afterward. Now on his turf, I saw he went about his activities as if I wasn’t really there. He turned on the TV and watched it as we had drinks and he cooked dinner. It stayed on the rest of the evening. So much for talking and getting to know each other. It was still on when I plodded off to the guest room, as he used it to put himself to sleep. It kept me awake.

    The next day he preferred to watch TV than to accept my invitation for a walk. When I arrived back at his condo, he was engrossed in a sports event so wasn’t interested when I suggested going out for a movie.

    I surmised that this is not only what he does when he is alone, but most likely what he did when he was married. His wife was not someone with whom he had much desire to interact, unless it was about their college-aged son. They ignored each other unless she insisted they talk about something. Based on what he told me, they mostly went their separate ways unless a dinner with friends required their joint presence.

    This was how he thought relationships should be, so he treated his dates like this too. I was not someone with whom he was interested in getting to know. Just someone to have around at his convenience.

    So if a guy treats you in a way you consider odd, ask yourself if it could be that this is how he treated his ex. Some men don’t learn to think about how the woman he’s dating would like to be treated. He treats her the same as his ex. The guy in the example wasn’t unintelligent, he was just not astute.

    And examine your own behavior as well. Do you tend to treat your suitors similarly to how you treated your ex? I know I have. It takes awareness to craft how to get along with each man independently, rather than lumping them all into the “what men like” basket.

    What have you observed about how you might habitually treat your dates similarly to how you treated your ex? And how have you broken yourself of that habit?

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  • Dating data a dose of reality

    Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40
    by Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam

    I found this to be one of the most interesting books on midlife dating I’ve read in a long while. It is co-written by a matchmaker specializing in people over 40 (Gloria MacDonald), and a couples therapist (Thelma Beam). They blend data with examples from their practices to make an interesting book with many points I’d not read before. The book is not filled with silly games or “rules,” instead it is filled with facts based on the population of Canada and the US, as well as science. “What could be so interesting about facts in a dating book?” you ask.

    Good question. The facts help the reader have a more grounded idea of what to expect in midlife dating, rather than a fantasy. And since many of us haven’t dated for decades, it helps shower us in the icy water of reality.

    ice“How could that possibly be helpful?” you may wonder. “Icy water is cold and bracing.” You’d be right. But without the sobering facts, many women have pie-in-the-sky expectations. For example, the authors look at the data of how many single men and women there are in the US and Canada, minus a “kook” factor. They figured at age 45 there were 12 single women for every 10 single men. At age 55, there are 15 single women for every 10 men in this age group, and by 65 there are 10 men for 25 women. Of course, not every single person is looking for love, and some single people are in a committed relationship. But the numbers are awakening.

    Midlife women often say, “I’m not making the first move,” or “He has to work hard to win me,” or “I’m not returning his call. I don’t call men.” While this mind set may have worked when they were in their 20’s when there were more men than women, and the woman was in her prime, now in her 40’s, 50’s or 60’s few men will work as hard as they did then. They just don’t have to, as there are more women to choose from. Not that a woman should be easy, but she shouldn’t insist he jump through so many hoops he’ll be pooped.

    Midlife women also seem to be picky, their requirements often based on their ex or departed husband, without really a sense that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. The majority of women say they want someone over 6-feet tall. Did you know that only 14% of men are 6-feet tall? Only 9% are 6’1″? Women of all heights say they want — in fact many say they require — a man who is at least 6-feet tall, even if she is under 5’10”.

    And many midlife women also insist that a man have all his hair. But 45% of men aged 40-49 have some hair loss; 55% of men 50-49; and 65% of men 60-69. Asking for all his hair is like a man insisting that a women has no gray in her hair, or doesn’t dye her hair. It cuts down the options dramatically.

    We know that both genders commonly list “slim, slender, fit” as their preferences for a partner. However, the data shows that 75% of people aged 45-74 are overweight. So if you insist on this, you’re eliminating three-quarters of the population.

    And lastly, women often say they want a successful man, stating they want someone who makes over $100,000/year. Even if their ex or late husband didn’t, or if she makes one-third of that. In the 45-64 age group, only 9-10% of men make six figures.

    You may be saying, “But men are picky, too!” And you’d be right again. However, the data and our experience show that men date and marry women 5-30 years younger, so they have a much bigger pool to choose from. Of course, women are dating younger as well, but it is still most common for a woman to date someone nearer her own age or older. Which means the more insistent you are on certain external characteristics, the smaller the pool to choose from.

    Does this mean you should settle? No, it means you should be clear on the character of the man you want and how he will treat you, and less hung up on characteristics, like hair, that are bound to change in a few years.

    The book covers some “how to’s” as well as the data, but that is not as interesting (at least to me). I will review the section on sex in another posting as I found their findings useful.

    Table of Contents
    The Laws Of The Jungle
    Relationship Data
    The Picky List
    Six Categories Of Women
    What Men Want
    Sabotage Of Love
    Where To Find Men
    The Big Date And Beyond
    How Men Hunt Today
    The Big Question – Sex
    How Do You Know if You’ve Found Mr. Right?

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  • Favors during dating — good or bad idea?

    “Women grow attached to men through the favors they grant them; but men, through the same favors, are cured of their love.” —Jean de la Bruyere

    This quote made me examine my attitude about favors, as hopefully it will you, too.

    Women: do you grow fond of men by the things they do for you? Holding doors, taking you out, doing small chores around your home? I know I do. When a man goes out of his way to do things for me, it makes me feel closer to him. Some men seem to revel in doing “boyfriend jobs,” often without asking, and especially if they are acknowledged for it.

    I never thought that men may react unfavorably to my doing favors for them. I did a lot of favors for my ex … hmmm, maybe that’s part of why he’s my ex!

    But men I’ve dated seemed to appreciate when I cooked them a meal, or did little things for them. But then, none of them are around anymore, so maybe they were “cured of their love.” I find it hard to imagine that men don’t like their women doing nice things for them, but I can also see that they could feel smothered or that the woman appears too needy.

    What do you think about giving and receiving favors to/from the person you’re dating? Is this another example of Mars/Venus where men and women react differently? I’m interested in both men’s and women’s thoughts on this.

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  • The midlife dating hero(ine)’s journey

    Hero’s JourneyLast night I watched the DVD “Joseph Campbell: The Hero’s Journey” because I wanted to know more about his work. In The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Campbell codified thousands of years of myths from multiple cultures into what he described as The Hero’s Journey. Star Wars, Matrix and countless other movies and stories follow this outline.

    Since my writing is predominately for women, with apologies to Campbell, I’m going to call it The Heroine’s Journey and we’re going to examine how it applies to midlife dating.

    heronineWhile the stages of the journey are not always the same, they generally follow this path:

    1. A call to adventure, which the heroine has to accept or decline. In dating, this would be reentering single life, whether it was by your choice or not. (Sometimes in myths the hero/heroine did not choose the adventure.) Just as in myths, the heroine may not consider her new situation an “adventure” at first.
    2. A road of trials, in which the heroine succeeds or fails. We would call these first dates. 🙂 Or perhaps they are relationships gone sour. In order to advance on the path, you must face these trials and develop skills and knowledge as a result.
    3. Achieving the goal or “boon,” which often results in important self-knowledge. While you might naturally think the goal of dating is to find your next mate, it could be better knowledge of yourself and what you want in a mate. The dictionary describes “boon” as “a thing that is helpful or beneficial.” Insight and better self-knowledge are always helpful.
    4. A return to the ordinary world, again as to which the heroine can succeed or fail. The “ordinary world” for us would be, perhaps, entering into an exclusive relationship. And just as in myths, this can succeed or fail. Or the ordinary world could be your being fine with being single and dating — or not dating — as you please.
    5. Application of the boon, in which what the heroine has gained can be used to improve the world. You use your newfound insights, lessons, and skills to better communicate, have more empathy and patience, and make this relationship work. Or you more readily see it’s not working, discuss it and decide whether to stay or move on.

    Where do you see yourself in The Dating Heroine’s Journey? I see myself moving through steps 2-5 repeatedly and becoming wiser with each excursion.

    * Thanks to Wikipedia for the recap of the basic structure.

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  • Failed phone audition

    princess phoneWe’d flirted online a few times many months ago, then stopped. I can’t remember why. We started again last week. Last night he called. This psychology professor included these tidbits in his 45-minute monologue:

    • He told me in great detail of his recent tooth extraction — his third — and his options for implants or a bridge. Why extraction? Because he went to the dentist only every 3 years (his insurance would pay for every 6 months) and ignored the infections that caused his teeth to rot.
    • He planned his vacations only around time-share pitches at hotels so he could have a free weekend stay.
    • He dabbled in day trading, so currently had invested this month’s mortgage money and had maxed out his credit card advances to buy a new stock, even though he’d lost money in the past.
    • He described the social psychology class he just finished teaching. When he began to explain social psychology, I said, “That was my minor in college.” He continued with his explanation as if I had no idea what it was.

    I asked him questions and injected statements — when he took a breath, which wasn’t often. There were many times he could have asked me questions about my comments, but he didn’t. I tried for 15 minutes to extricate myself, and finally did. He said, “Give me a call when you have a few minutes.” Right. Like that’s going to happen.

    This call reminded me of a few things:

    • While I try to give people grace, I learned everything I needed to know in 30 minutes that this man was not a fit for me. Anyone who ignores his dental hygiene for 3 years and repeatedly has teeth removed because of it doesn’t have the decision-making skills I’m looking for. This well-paid man is so cheap he only goes on free vacations. If he’s gambling with his mortgage money, this is not someone whose values I respect. And finally, if he ignores what I say, he’s just interested in a monologue so it doesn’t really matter if I’m there or not.
    • I make assumptions that because someone is educated, in a certain profession or knows certain information (like psychology), they will behave in a socially astute way. Not necessarily.
    • I’m glad I have a “phone-call first” rule. If I didn’t I’d have taken time to get dolled up and drive to a Starbucks to sit excruciatingly while this man blathered on. Now I won’t be making that drive.
    • I need to be bolder when I want to end a call, perhaps bordering on rude for those who don’t pick up on subtler clues.

    This experience also made me wonder what I did that caused me to fail phone auditions. It is not only me who has rejected invitations for further contact after a call. Occasionally I’ll think a call went swimmingly, never to hear from the guy again.

    When you’ve decided not to see someone after an initial call, what did they do or not do that led you to this decision?

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  • The dating hobby

    Have you found yourself feeling that dating is a hobby? And just like some hobbies, you do it more or less often than other things you enjoy. I find myself immersing myself in some hobbies, then totally abandoning them for long stretches. And just like belly dancing, scuba diving or parachute jumping, you need specialized attire — dateware!

    scrapbookingIn the first two years of my new single life, when friends would ask what was new, I’d respond enthusiastically, “I’m dating!” accompanied by a big smile. It was as if I was announcing my new hobby of scrapbooking, Greek dancing, or spelunking. My search for a new love had become a recreational avocation.

    Is this a good thing or not? It depends on your perspective. If you are into sport dating, then you enjoy dating around and meeting a lot of people with no real intention of finding one for the long term. If you aren’t upfront about wanting to date around, some daters resent this attitude as they feel you are wasting their time.

    Others appreciate this more carefree attitude and gather activity partners like shoes, choosing which ones are best for a certain outing.

    There are two downsides to hobby dating:

    1. You may be commitment averse and not know it. If you’ve dated a lot and pull the plug after seeing a guy for a few weeks, it might be that it isn’t just that you’re too picky. Make sure you explore the possibility that you’re afraid of commitment.
    2. If you’re not honest with the men you date that you’re interested in only an occasional activity partner, he could be justifiably upset when he falls for you and you don’t respond in kind. Unrequited is never fun.

    Treating dating like a hobby allows you the freedom to meet people without the expectation of quickly finding The One. This also means you don’t soon get discouraged. You are more able to enjoy the person in front of you and get to know him without pondering “Would I marry him?” You are more relaxed, which means he’s more relaxed, which means you can lighten up and have fun.

    However, you have to hold back from accepting an invitation from someone you know you’d never consider a romantic partner, just to fill an evening. Unless you both have said you are just looking for friends and activity partners.

    Just as with any hobby, be clear on the parts of it that you enjoy and stop doing it when it isn’t fun anymore. No one likes to be around a lackadaisical or bitter companion for any hobby.

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