Women place more emphasis on the first kiss than men do. We use it as part of determining if we want to see the man again or not.
University at Albany researchers Susan M. Hughes, Marissa A. Harrison, and Gordon G. Gallup, Jr. recently published their findings on kissing in an Evolutionary Psychology article.
This was another study using only college students, 1,041 in fact. So I’m not sure that we can assume that this information applies to midlife daters. But it does seem consistent with my experience — a sample size of one.
Many of the college students reported having been attracted to someone, then discovered they were no longer interested after they kissed them for the first time. “In other words,” said Gallup, an evolutionary psychologist, “While many forces lead two people to connect romantically, the kiss, particularly the first kiss, can be a deal breaker.”
Exactly. In “In search of the elusive good kisser” I share the challenge of finding men who fit my criteria in this area. As I’ve gone out with 80 men now, although I haven’t kissed all of them, I’ve kissed enough that I’ve begun to relax my standards a bit. But if a man is such a sloppy kisser I need a towel afterwards, or has other kissing habits I find off putting, it will be a factor in my decision to see him again.
Kissing as a determinant of another date is mostly true just for women. Men said they saw kissing an a way to gain sexual favors or to make up after a problem. But women use kissing to assess the status of the relationship. Most females shared they would never engage in sex without kissing. However, men would; men said they’d have sex with someone who was not a “good” kisser.
The study showed that it was more common for males than females to initiate French kissing. In my experience, many men don’t gauge accurately if the woman is ready for that intimacy or not. They go there too soon, which can be a turn off rather than a turn on.
What do you think about first kisses? Does the man or woman generally initiate? And do you use a first passionate kiss to determine if you’re interested in continuing seeing your date?
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Funny….I’m currently waiting for a first kiss from a guy who is moving slow & respectfully towards that direction. I was just telling my girlfriend the other day…I won’t know if I want to keep going until I kiss him…. and I’ve definitely dumped one for the towel thing!!
I say that if you care about the guy on an emotional level, even if he isn’t the best kisser, you can “teach” him how to kiss. It’s something that takes some practice and takes both parties getting used to each other. Same with sex or any other physical intimacies.
When I was dating the one (separated but not quite divorced) guy last year, I realized that if the guy doesn’t want sex anymore than once every 10 days or so, it ain’t gonna get any better later. This is the same guy who was diabetic and overweight but said “I’m too young for Viagra”. Yeah, well, let his current wife deal with that. :0 Good riddance. LOL
You can “teach” someone to kiss better or give you affection the way you want, but if they have other problems they are in denial about, it’s best to move on.
Hmm… now youre making me think of my (ex) girlfriend. The first kiss was absolutely electric and the last one was still great, even though I knew it was close to goodbye and she always commented that I was a great kisser (her ex was a slobberer). Having dated very few, I honestly didnt know there was such a thing as a bad kisser.
You mean its really hard to find someone with soft sensuous lips who knows how to kiss gently without drooling or is it just hard to find someone you’re ga-ga over?
OK, so what constitutes “good?” Let’s get specific here, I need some pointers. Or maybe I don’t, I may be “good” and not know it. Lay it out, girls, what makes yer toes curl?
Greg,
First and foremost, is being able to read how your partner is reacting to what you are doing, and modifying accordingly but with grace.
Next is good oral hygeine, as taste, texture, and smell are major factors during a kiss.
Next, the details:
Soft, but not smushy lips, not damp or wet to start.
A light amount of moisture for open kisses, no drooling for French.
Knowing how to angle the head for a good fit, and varying this as needed.
Enthusiam- or maybe it’s expressing real pleasure or response to my kissing you back in body language and sometimes noises or breathing- really hightens the pleasure on both ends.
Using the hands considerately but sensously too- if I am being mauled, the world’s best kisser just lost me.
Kissing that progresses from shy to romantic to sexual mimics the physical interactions of hands and, err, private bits in pace and actual actions for great kisses.
French kissing that is more a dance of tongues than drilling for oil or the invasion of the body snatchers.
Thanks for those more than adequate descriptions, sdl and DG.
Is it hot in here? *fanning briskly*
I admit that the first kiss is important for me too. Well, actually, the third kiss.
Often a woman is being very coy and more or less gauging how a man kisses on the first one. They seem to relax and be themselves a few kisses later.
And the same thing seems to hold true – good kissers – usually sensual overall.
However, I have been in relationships where they were not great kissers, and have avoided some where they were great.
More important to me for a long range relationship is whether we can build a good dynamic for dealing with issues….
Style of dissing is just another aspect of a relationship – worth noting (and hoping for) but not the major indicator. And like the women have suffered the “towel” problem, I have as well.
One thing I have noticed is that kissing initiated by a woman often drops when a relationship is established. I think that is because a woman might be afraid to “start something” without wanting to lead to sex (some have told me this). So they avoid a kissing session – even though they really would like to. Men often assume that any sensual action should lead to sex. This really gets in the way of being intimate of different levels. Any thoughts?
Thanks for sharing the kissing insights.
DG, kissing is an erotic art, and I love it. I think one of the reasons women in established relationships don’t go in for marathon kissing is that, although they can cope with just kissing for hours, their men will get aroused and feel uncomfortable, and then sex, or guilt, will follow. Even if their man wants to oblige with marathon kissing sessions regularly, his physical discomfort after a while precludes carrying on – my ex used to tell me he was in physical pain! or did he just want to watch the football?
to all guys,
Be careful with the first kiss, some women have not been kissed in a long time, are uncomfortable, when it happens and ask us to leave. Call her the next day, for an explanation. As much as women want to talk, they, are too embarrassed to talk about this…..
I am a fairly recent widower, after many years of a happy and monogamous marriage. A couple of months after my loss (we both knew for sometime that the end was approaching), I felt ready to go back into the dating world.
I have now had a number of dates and I really feel out of sorts with the whole process. I think that I am a good looking guy with a good profession, and I have been able to at least attract decent dates so far. Well the kissing game has been somewhat awkard and I haven’t quite figured out how to read anyone yet for the first kiss. Things seem to be much different in today’s day and age. The first somewhat serious one went to one extreme. She never wanted to leave the bedroom! To my own surprise, I soon realized that this is not what I was looking for.
My other dates I have retreated to my usual respectful self, almost to the point of either not even kissing or only on the lips. Each one is different, but how does one know if it should be pursued, open wide and say Ahhhh, or what?
I don’t want to lose before I even have a chance to begin! (and in the event that some of these ladies are reading this, and they know who they are, I have changed my name to protect my innocence!)