Does he treat you like his ex?

The question is really, “Does the guy you’re dating treat you like he treated his ex wife?” Not the way he currently treats his ex wife, as he could treat her better or worse than when they were together. But does he behave the way he did when they were together?

Let me give you an example. I was wooed by a man who lives 400 miles away. He called me every day for 4 months before we met. Finally, he flew to meet me and got a hotel room for the weekend. We enjoyed a variety of activities that weekend as we got to know each other face to face.

TVSeveral weeks later I needed to be in his city for business, so he invited me to stay with him afterward. Now on his turf, I saw he went about his activities as if I wasn’t really there. He turned on the TV and watched it as we had drinks and he cooked dinner. It stayed on the rest of the evening. So much for talking and getting to know each other. It was still on when I plodded off to the guest room, as he used it to put himself to sleep. It kept me awake.

The next day he preferred to watch TV than to accept my invitation for a walk. When I arrived back at his condo, he was engrossed in a sports event so wasn’t interested when I suggested going out for a movie.

I surmised that this is not only what he does when he is alone, but most likely what he did when he was married. His wife was not someone with whom he had much desire to interact, unless it was about their college-aged son. They ignored each other unless she insisted they talk about something. Based on what he told me, they mostly went their separate ways unless a dinner with friends required their joint presence.

This was how he thought relationships should be, so he treated his dates like this too. I was not someone with whom he was interested in getting to know. Just someone to have around at his convenience.

So if a guy treats you in a way you consider odd, ask yourself if it could be that this is how he treated his ex. Some men don’t learn to think about how the woman he’s dating would like to be treated. He treats her the same as his ex. The guy in the example wasn’t unintelligent, he was just not astute.

And examine your own behavior as well. Do you tend to treat your suitors similarly to how you treated your ex? I know I have. It takes awareness to craft how to get along with each man independently, rather than lumping them all into the “what men like” basket.

What have you observed about how you might habitually treat your dates similarly to how you treated your ex? And how have you broken yourself of that habit?

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3 responses to “Does he treat you like his ex?”

  1. Strblonde Avatar

    In other words………..apply the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

  2. Elena Avatar

    I would’ve been annoyed as well considering, it was a long distance relationship. If the two people live in the same city and have been dating awhile, then some of that behavior would be tolerable, if other aspects of the relationship are good. But if it is a new relationship and the couple only sees each other once a month, that kind of neglectful and inconsiderate treatment is inexcusable!

  3. Lulu Avatar

    I think it’s very difficult to know whether this kind of behaviour means a lover is comfortable in the relationship, the honeymoon period is over and a slight taking-you-for-granted feeling is creeping in, or whether it’s a case of quote ‘he’s just not that into you’ unquote. Men, more than women, I think, feel uncomfortable playing ‘host’. This might be because on their home turf they’re self-conscious doing what they consider women usually do – being welcoming, cooking, taking care of a guests’ comforts, cleaning up, entertaining, so they stick to their usual comfort zone and hope a guest will fit in, hence the television always on, not going for walks etc. It doesn’t auger well for the future of a relationship when one person is slouched in front of the tv with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. Sigh. Next!