My pal Manslations blog writer Jeff Mac wrote about how to get a man you’re seeing to call you instead of just texting, IMing and emailing. He had some good wisdom about how we often think the other has the same preferences as us, so we don’t think of doing anything differently.
Jeff wisely suggests being honest (honesty — what a concept!) about your desire to talk on the phone. He said to try, “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact.”
He linked to my posting “Do you both have the same dating rhythm?” (thanks Jeff!), so I felt compelled to comment. Here’s what I shared:
My only tweak would be instead of “I notice that you don’t seem to be into making phone contact” I’d say something like “I notice we don’t talk on the phone. I like chatting live periodically. Would it be ok with you if we talked on the phone every few days?”
The reason for the suggestion is the “I notice that you…” puts the onus on him — that it’s his responsibility for calling. And it hints at blame that he hasn’t called. I hate it when someone says “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” What — are your fingers broken? You can’t make the call if you want to talk?
In any communication, whether in dating, work, or personal life, your word choice speaks volumes. A little word like “you” can be inclusive and persuasive or blaming and repelling. When you want someone to grant your request, be conscious of your word choice and work to eliminate words that could be interpreted the opposite of your intention.
And I’m sure you know this, but perhaps it will serve as a reminder: Use “I” messages whenever possible. “I’d like to talk on the phone more often,” or “I love it when you call,” rather than “I’d like you to call me,” or worse, “You never call.” The latter are more likely to be off putting.
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