Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40™

Category: Assessing your assets

  • “Are you man enough to be my man?”

    This can be a common thought for powerful, successful, midlife dating women. It was expressed by DG reader “Diamond” in a question to me:

    I’ve been in business my whole life. A friend’s mother shared this advice just prior to my running off to meet what I thought was the man of my dreams in London. She gently said, in a loving mother’s voice, “Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice about your man in London? Please don’t treat him like a business!”

    I have a hard time switching from client mode to date mode. I treat my date as I do my clients — I want to know up front, “What are your goals and objectives?” This is me, who are you? BAM! I’m sure I’m too direct for the first call. This doesn’t evolve over time — I want to know now so I don’t waste time.

    OMG — I don’t know how to date! The last guy went packing after our initial call. Run Forrest! Run!

    I even took a painting class to “get my girl on,” “open my heart,” take off my pants!

    Getting a massage, I asked my body worker for insights. She quipped, “I wish you could see your back as I am seeing it now.” Where are the ceiling mirrors when you need them? “Your right side is highly defined and your left side is lower, softer and not as defined as the right. The right side represents your male side and the left your female side. You are spending too much time in the male energy area of your life.”

    I asked, “Is there a book I can buy to be more like a girl?” So male of me.

    Later that night, I shared with the elders who had become my temporary grandmothers what transpired during my massage and they, too, laughed. One wise soul responded, “Dear, you do not need a book to be more like a girl. Simply go to your heart more and less from your head.”

    So, my questions:

    • How do you find a man more man than yourself?
    • Where are all the strong men that love strong women?
    • What does a strong woman do to leave the business side at home on a date?
    • How do you stay in a “skirt” when dating when all you do all day is wear “pants” at work?
    • How do you date when you have never dated because you have a belief that you only date someone if you are going to marry them?
    • How do you overcome the “I don’t want to waste my time” disease?

    Diamond (and other strong women):

    This is such a good inquiry. I, too, have struggled with this and am not sure I have answers, but perhaps some insights that will help you find your own answers.

    Many of us midlife women have created great lives through our focus, power and assertiveness. This is effective in the male culture of work, dominated with war and sports metaphors. We’ve learned how to dress powerfully, not provocatively, speak clearly and directly, stand with poise and confidence. It is so part of who we are that we have forgotten there is another more feminine side.

    The truly powerful, I believe, have learned how to adapt to each situation and behave in ways that make them successful. A general is gentle around children or the infirm, yet speaks assuredly to the troops. A CEO knows that behavior in the Boardroom is different than at the company picnic. So, too, we must relearn what it’s like to allow our femininity to come out and still be powerful.

    I am not saying you need to dummy down who you are. I’m saying that there are men who will love you for your power and will also love you when you allow your vulnerabilities to surface.

    I started my business at 24. I felt to be taken seriously I needed to look and behave man-like. I only wore man-tailored clothing, had a short, no-nonsense hair cut, light makeup and carried an all-business briefcase. I continued to do this long after my credibility had been established and the severity began to hinder my effectiveness, as the people I wanted to connect with were intimidated. With the help of a few image consultant friends who saw my image was not eliciting the response I wanted, they helped outfit me in more feminine, yet still powerful attire. I consciously softened my behavior to be more approachable, softer, more welcoming. I can now shift more readily from business mode to date mode, with not only my dress but my demeanor.

    My suggestion is to be conscious of the behaviors that aren’t working in dating, and to choose new ones. How do you know which are more welcoming? Since there’s not a book on it 🙂 (at least not one we know about), my suggestion is to find women role models from whom to learn. They can be friends, colleagues, or even those in the media. Watch what they do and adapt it for yourself. In your example of drilling a potential suitor on the first encounter, think beforehand what questions you could ask that would be gentler, yet still elicit the information you desire.

    Also, it helped me to read several of the “Mars/Venus” books to understand that men want to be needed, and feel good about being useful to a woman. It helped me not feel I had to insist on splitting the check, or reciprocate every kind action a date made. I choose to give to him in ways he would appreciate, even if it was a smile, a word of sincere thanks, or a hug. My feminist bent felt I had to match everything equally, tit for tat. I’ve learned I can be feminist and feminine at the same time.

    yin yangIt’s the yin and the yang of relationships that make them work. If both of you are yang, why do you need the other? The secret, I believe is to be able to be yang when the other is in yin and vice versa. My ex was pretty yin. He embraced his feminine side, and while not effeminate, he was nurturing. When my yang started to diminish and I let my yin side out more, I believe that’s when our disconnect began. He didn’t know how to be more yang. I could have chosen to go back into predominately yang mode, but that was not satisfactory anymore.

    What advice do others have for women like Diamond who have trouble getting their girl-sides on?

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  • Do you know what will make you happy?

    When dating someone with whom you’ve become enamored, it is easy to project your life into the future. You imagine being intertwined every blissful day, moving in together, perhaps getting married. In this fantasy is embedded perpetual elation, constant joy, unbridled happiness.

    Wouldn’t it be grand if we could accurately predict such euphoria? Unfortunately, humans are unskilled at foretelling what really will make them happy.

    Stumbling on HappinessIronically, on our first date a gentleman gave me a copy of Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. It was ironic because I then applied the author’s concepts to dating. And when I imagined a possible future relationship with this man, I couldn’t conjure up an image of us together! We parted ways after the second date.

    In the Amazon.com editorial review of the book, Daphne Durham writes, “Do you know what makes you happy? Daniel Gilbert would bet that you think you do, but you are most likely wrong.”

    Gilbert shares example of studies that show how humans are pretty inept at predicting what will make us happy in the future. So you think a great, loving, charming guy will make you happy until the end of time? Maybe. Maybe not. Malcolm Gladwell adds in his review of the book, “We’re terrible at knowing how we will feel a day or a month or year from now, and even worse at knowing what will and will not bring us that cherished happiness…. Our imaginations are really bad at telling us how we will think when the future finally comes. And our personal experiences aren’t nearly as good at correcting these errors as we might think.”

    If we believe Gilbert’s concepts, based largely on psychological research, then what are we to do? Give up reaching for what we think will make us happy? Only live in the present without striving for any betterment in our condition, which we think will make us happier?

    In “Are you a happy dater?” I discuss how my friend the late Art Berg, a paraplegic, decided to be happy every day. He didn’t focus on the past and what he’d lost before his accident, nor the future and how his life may be cut short because of his condition. By not predicting what would make him happy in the future, he avoided disappointment.

    I think it takes a special mind set to accomplish not wanting to project what will make us happy. We take what we’ve learned from past relationships and couple that with who we know ourself to be now, and say, “I want a man who… and with whom I can have a relationship like….” We feel our past will inform our decisions that will create our future.

    But then a man waltzes in who matches very few of our “must have” criteria and sweeps us off our feet. So much for our predictions and “perfect man” list!

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  • “Disruption precedes discovery”

    Ian PercyKeynote speaker Ian Percy uttered these words as a way to explain that what he was about to say would be disturbing to some of us in the audience. In fact, he said, some of us would not like what he said at all. But his purpose was to shake up our thinking a bit. And he did.

    I, of course, saw this comment as relating to dating. “Disruption” is when we go through a divorce or intense breakup. Our routine is disrupted. Our thinking is disrupted. Our self-definition is disrupted. Instead of being wife/girlfriend/mate/life partner we are now “single,” “unattached,” “divorced” or even “widowed.”

    One of the biggest challenges for me immediately after my ex said he was leaving was facing the loss of my roles. I would not — at least in the immediate future — be wife, lover, partner. What would I be to his son — his ex-step mother? How about to his newborn daughter — ex-step-grandmother? Her grandfather’s former wife? I grieved for the part of my identity that was changed.

    After we mourn the loss, however, that disruption can cause discovery — self-discovery. Reassessing who we are and what we want. Discovering anew what kind of person we are now. Redefining ourselves. And often reinventing ourselves in the process.

    In the case of my titles, my step-son assured me I would always be a part of his family, and he wanted his daughter to know me. He invited me to continue to stay connected. It brought us closer.

    So instead of cursing disruptions in your life, look at them as a time to rediscover who you are now and what makes you happy now, instead of who you were when you began your relationship.

    When I recovered from my marriage’s dissolution, I found freedom and excitement in reexamining what I wanted in my life and in my next relationship. I did not want the same things as the 28-year-old who entered the relationship with my ex. I got to reinvent myself as the single woman I wanted to be.

    What discoveries about yourself have disruptions in your relationships created for you?

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  • Consciously creating the relationship you want

    “Don’t let what you’ve created get in the way of what you want to create.” —Jana Stanfield

    Jana StanfieldMy friend Jana Stanfield, the amazing musical artist, said this as we talked about our somewhat recent singlehood and what we could do with our lives now that we didn’t have a husband about whom to be concerned. We were sharing our travel lust and how responsibilities at home can keep you feeling that you can’t do what you’ve always wanted to do, like extended world travel. The world we’d created — including a home with a mortgage and other responsibilities — could get in the way of the life for which we’ve longed.

    What does this have to do with dating? I think it relates because sometimes once we get a sweetie — something we’ve created — we don’t really know if this relationship is what we want. Yes, we’ve been in other — maybe a number — of long-term relationships. But the person you are right now hasn’t. Hopefully you’ve learned more about what makes relationships work as well as dissolve, and about yourself as you’ve moved through life’s journey. So you are a more savvy person entering a new relationship.

    But since we’ve longed for someone in our life, we cling to the connection, even though once we’re into it, we may realize it isn’t what we really want. How much of this is fear, fickleness, and immaturity? Who’s to say? For discussion, let’s say these aren’t factors. We are present to the time and effort it took to find the guy and develop a bond to become sweeties. We’ve worked through some hiccups and are fond of him. But we realize that being with him will preclude us from having the life we want to create.

    You owe it to both of you to discuss the disconnect. Maybe his career has required him to live in his industry’s hub and you’ve assumed that means he’ll never move. Or perhaps you’ve thought his nearby family would keep him anchored in this spot. You have dreams of living somewhere else. Once your goals are shared, you may learn that he’s been yearning for a change and he’d be delighted to step toward the life you want to create.

    But maybe you will discover that you both have very different pictures of the future. So although you wanted to create a loving relationship with someone like him, you have to decide which dream is more important. If you have to choose, you must be very clear which is more critical to your happiness because if you make the decision to subjugate your other goals to stay with him, you very likely will resent him. And if you abandon him to move toward the life you want to create, you may become lonely and sad to leave him behind.

    Have you created something in your life that is getting in the way of your creating the life you want? If so, share it with us and what you can do about it.

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  • Who are you magnetizing into your life?

    Some people believe they attract people into their life. Within reason, I’m one of them. I don’t believe that I attract every person with whom I come in contact, but I do think I’ve had important people come to me, if even for just a few minutes. When that’s happened, there’s been a lesson for me from my interaction with them.

    I feel the same way about the men I draw into my dating life. I’ve enjoyed meeting nearly all the men with whom I’ve had at least coffee. Some have turned into beaus or treasured pals. And even the few who weren’t pleasant had a lesson for me.

    Messiah’s HandbookThis concept of attraction is articulated in Richard Bach‘s Messiah’s Handbook. I love most everything Bach has written. He has a knack for being pithy and profound at the same time. The quote I’m referencing is:

    Master’s Certificate

    This is to certify that the bearer has been declared a Master of Spacetime, and is authorized to command absolute control over all personal life events and an indefinite number of simultaneous life experiences, to focus consciousness among them at will to freely choose triumph or tragedy as she or he wishes, and to magnetize such like spirits as she or he desires for her or his personal education and entertainment. This certificate is subject to the following limits: Self-imposed.

    It’s there, that certificate, in everybody’s pocket.

    I love this concept. But I especially love the idea that we magnetize people into our lives who we desire for our “personal education and entertainment.” That does not mean we use people for our own pleasure, but since the other person has the same certificate, we are there for his/her amusement or education as well. It’s mutual.

    When you realize you are drawing people into your life — especially men who you meet to explore possible romance — your perspective shifts. You look at the man sitting opposite you with new eyes. What is he there to teach you? Don’t worry about what you are there to teach him — that’s his job to figure out.

    In “‘There must be a pony in here’” I quote another of Bach’s aphorisms to remember when the encounter isn’t as positive as you’d like.

    What do you think about the dating partners you’ve drawn to you? Do you see the lessons they’ve brought? Or were the there merely for your amusement?

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  • Have you done inner work?

    introspectionDG reader Tim asked me to address the following, which applies to both genders:

    I’m 41 and been dating 3 years. Most of the woman I meet assume that they can go from a divorce to another long-term relationship and never work on themselves before doing so. The longer someone is in a bad relationship the more work it is going to take to get yourself ready to date and have a healthy relationship again.

    I spent 5 years in a 12-step program designed for family members of substance abusers, and even longer in personal counseling. I slowly changed myself into an emotionally healthy person capable of a healthy relationship.

    I realize most people are not going to have gone through the level of self-improvement as I have. I do not believe I have unattainable criteria by which I’m judging my dates, and which have been confirmed by other emotionally healthy people. But I wonder if I’m ever going to find someone who admits that both partners in a failed marriage are responsible to some degree. If you’ve been in an abusive situation, you’re going to need to seek help if you plan on having a healthy relationship again.

    Here are responses from women when I asked what they had done since their divorce to ensure a better outcome in their next relationship.

    “I’ve been divorced for a year, and my ex was such an a–hole I knew I needed to take care of myself a little so just went shopping.” The sad part is she meant it.

    “It was entirely his fault, why should I have to do anything?” Next please!

    A woman I dated for several months gave me all of the right answers. Turns out she knew the right things to say, but saying them and living them are two completely different things. She had major trust issues with men in general because of how terribly her ex had treated her. This caused communication problems because she was still trying to protect herself from him, even though she was dating me.

    How can women (or men) expect to move onto an emotionally healthy relationship when they have only ever been in a bad one without doing anything to change?

    Tim, you articulate what I and other midlife daters have found as well. Few are willing to look at their part in a marriage breakdown as it is so much easier to blame the one who “did you wrong.” Since my ex left me (not for another woman), it was easy to blame him for being self-centered and inflexible. But the more I looked inside, I saw I had a hand in our dissolution, even though it was hard to admit it.

    I find few people willing to look inside, even if they are in a terrific relationship. It takes courage to face your demons. Although it’s gotten much better in the last few decades, there is still some stigma about counseling. Many people feel they aren’t “broken” so why invest in counseling? The truth is a good counselor can help you become even better than you imagined, clearing out old issues that may be holding you back without your realizing it. In the past 30 years I’ve seen therapists when I’ve been in pain and also when I wanted to make my life even better. But it can be emotionally draining so I can see why many people prefer to not experience reliving painful pasts.

    Now, back to the women’s responses to your question. While shopping therapy can be beneficial, not if that’s the only thing you’ve done to heal from the relationship. And even if your ex was the biggest cad, jerk, loser and player ever born, there is still healing to do about what caused you to be attracted to someone like this, or stay with someone like that. If you don’t work on the root causes, you’ll keep finding yourself with the same kind of person, no matter how much you swear you know the signs.

    To answer your specific question, I’m biased. I think you are doomed to repeat the same type of relationship issues with the next relationship(s) until you do some reflection, introspection and work on recognizing the causes of your patterns. If someone I’m dating admits he’s never done any personal growth activities, I’m cautious. However, I know the opposite is also a red flag — if someone is constantly enrolled in self-development programs, but makes no changes. They just know the language but don’t practice the principles.

    What do you think? Do you think it’s important to work on yourself before entering your next relationship? What has worked for you? How do you respond to a potential suitor who says he doesn’t need to do any reflection and takes no part of the responsibility for his last relationship failing?

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  • Is he assertive enough for you?

    In women’s dating stories of budding relationships gone awry, there are two common themes:

    1. The man was too aggressive too early.
    2. The man wasn’t assertive enough to say what he needed, or make requests for minor modifications of adaptable behaviors, so he went poof.

    I think #1 is pretty self-explanatory — he got too physical or sexual too early and that turned off the woman.

    So let’s explore #2. Of course, these issues can apply to both men and women, but we’re going to focus on the man’s behavior.

    I’ve learned I need an assertive man for me to be happy. I have to be assertive in my business life and prefer to not have to take care of both of us in a relationship. In fact, there are times I relish having my guy take care of me. When he does this I let him know I really like it.

    So when he doesn’t have the ability to step up, it stands out. Let me share an example.

    On the way home from a concert with a man I’d dated for a month, he in his tux, I in evening attire, we weren’t ready to call it a night. I’m a sucker for views, so suggested we stop for a nightcap at the nearby hilltop hotel with a fantastic vantage point to watch the lights twinkling in the distance. We discovered the bar was in the basement, so no view. However, the restaurant had a fabulous view. At 10:00 it was nearly empty.

    We asked the hostess for one of the several empty tables near the window for dessert and a drink. She pointed to tables with no view and said we could sit there. I politely said we were hoping for a nice view and could we have one of the window tables. She said she’d check.

    She came back and said no, we couldn’t be seated there for just dessert. My date turned to leave. I nicely asked who she consulted and she said the waiter. I knew the waiter would not want to waste his energy on lower-tabbed dessert/drink customers, but would hold out for full-dinner ones, even though most people had dined by that hour.

    I was not happy with this answer, so I calmly asked if she’d bring the manager over for us to consult with. She went to the manager, who said, “No problem” and we were promptly seated next to the window facing the great view.

    Since I’d waited a few beats before speaking up to see if my date would take the lead, I asked if I’d stepped on his toes. He said, “Absolutely not. I would never have had the courage to ask for the window table in the first place. I would have settled on the first non-view ones she wanted to steer us to. I would have never asked to see the manager.”

    I knew then that we were not long-term material.

    Was what I did over the top? I don’t think so. I was polite and pleasant the whole time, but unwilling to let the hostess’s and waiter’s decisions stand without exploring all the options I could think of. Had the restaurant been full, I would have understood. But it was not. And the waiter would get some tip, which was better than having an empty table with no tip. So I saw it as a win/win solution. But my date’s mind didn’t think that way. Perhaps it wasn’t important to him, but since it was important to me, I’d expect some effort to then have it be important to him. Just as I would make something important that was important to him become important to me.

    How important is assertiveness to you in a man you’re seeing? If he isn’t, do you mind taking the lead most of the time? If you’d like him to step up more often, how do you communicate this without him feeling like a wuss?

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  • Do you put your dates through tests?

    jump through hoopDo you make men jump through some hoops when dating you? What do I mean?

    Some women will only date a man who:

    • makes the first contact.
    • treats her to dinner at a nice restaurant within the first few dates.
    • sends or brings her flowers within the first few dates.
    • calls her once a day.
    • showers her with compliments.
    • changes his schedule to accommodate her.
    • takes her on an expensive get away.
    • allows her to change his appearance or style.
    • starts to make long-rage plans with her.

    The woman (AKA a diva) is insisting he play by her rules. She is not accommodating at all, but thinks she is such a prize that he must bow to her every demand. I have a few friends like this who are happily married so it must work in some cases. However, I think most men would be put off by such self-focused, demanding, spoiled behavior.

    While I have some preferences, I don’t have demands, other than he behaves with integrity, consideration, confidence, communication and respect. Relationships involve compromise and you can’t — and shouldn’t — always get your way.

    Do you have any tests you think are reasonable? One of mine is he must make contact periodically for me to know he’s interested. I don’t chase men. Once we’ve begun dating, I don’t mind initiating an email or call. But I don’t want to be the only one picking up the phone.

    What are some of the tests for you?

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  • “It feels so comfortable”

    A gal pal described her relationship with her new beau with this common phrase. We interpret this as it feels right. If it weren’t right, it wouldn’t feel comfortable, right?

    There are many reasons why being with him could feel comfortable. Perhaps he’s easy going. Maybe he possesses characteristics you find appealing. Possibly he’s got the same quick smile and sense of humor as your ex. Heck, maybe he even physically resembles your ex.

    Or maybe he has some strong attributes that are similar to one of your parents or childhood care givers.

    Getting the Love You WantYou know the old adage that women choose men who are like their fathers (and men choose mother surrogates). I’ve always rejected this theory because I have a toxic father and my ex was gentle, nurturing and noncombative. But after reading Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., I reexamined my ex’s characteristics and saw more similarities than I’d cared to admit when we were married, although he wasn’t toxic. Divorce helped me detach and see he was more like my father than I would have thought.

    Hendrix, a marriage therapist, explains his observations from working with hundreds (thousands?) of couples. “[When looking for a mate, we’re] looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us…. The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate…is because your brain had your partner confused with your parents!”

    Why would we choose someone with similar parental characteristics, especially if they were unpleasant ones? Hendrix says it’s to work through childhood emotional and psychological wounds. Even if you grew up in a positive, safe, healthy, nurturing environment, “you still bear invisible scars from childhood.” In other words, as adults, you are looking for a mate who can either emotionally comfort and nurture you, or will trigger some past hurts so you have an opportunity to deal with them now as an adult.

    My experience is that it takes a lot of awareness to deal with those triggers differently than you did as a child. Most of us immediately go into hurt and defensiveness unless we have the guidance of a counselor to walk us through the experience. Which makes me wonder what part of our brain thinks we are innately capable of dealing with the triggers a parent substitute provides.

    Does all this mean it is a bad thing to feel comfortable with your beau? Not at all. My point is to examine the feeling of comfort before assuming it is a good thing. If you are used to being with an abusive person and the guy you’re dating has those tendencies, it will feel comfortable. This is not good. So look closely at what it is that is comfortable for you and see if there are any parallels to past relationships. Then determine if these behaviors are in your current best interest or not.

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  • Do you project life with your date?

    Do you project your life into the future with the guy you’ve just started dating — sometimes even before you’ve met? I’ve been guilty of this, as well as been on the receiving end.

    Let me give you some examples:

    • Yesterday I had a first coffee date with an award-winning professor at a local internationally renowned university. I knew he lived on campus, so I had already imagined what life would be like if I were to join him permanently. How delightful it would be to walk to the campus cultural events, lunch with visiting luminaries, and schmooze with world-famous lecturers.
    • After one visit to a wealthy man’s home, I began to fantasize my life if we were to become a couple. I mentally claimed his rumpus room for my office, and imagined which furniture I’d keep and what I would move. Could I rent out my house when I moved into his with the beautiful view?
    • Meryl StreepWhen I briefly dated the Academy Award winning special-effects producer, I imagined attending private screenings, hobnobbing with the stars. On Oscar night, we’d get dolled up, then be swamped with photographers exiting the limo onto the red carpet. I’d be able to recreate his story of sipping martinis with Meryl Streep in the basement bar of the Kodak Theatre.

    Do you do this? Or am I weird?* If you, too, fantasize life with a guy you barely know — or haven’t even met — why do you think we do this? Is it to explore one scenario of how life might be if we were to become an item? Is it to “test drive” a lifestyle? In my imagination, I don’t foresee the drudgery — cleaning house, cooking meals, etc. I only focus on the positive or glamorous aspects. Is this expressing a romanticized vision of a potential life together, knowing that life is never comprised of only stellar moments? Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment since life with another has downs as well as ups?

    I’ve been on the receiving end when my last beau imagined getting a job in my area and moving in with me — without my asking him! Another sweetie was ready to move in his coffee maker after the first sleepover. He also declared that he would not live with me in my house, that we’d sell my house and buy a new one together. So it seems both genders partake in forecasting a future together.

    * I asked a dating pal if she does this too, and when she assured me she does, I knew I wasn’t alone in this behavior.

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  • The fear of finding “The One”

    We can call it commitment phobia. But before we label it, let’s examine it. I’d bet it has happened to nearly all of us at one time or another.

    You meet someone terrific, and he feels similarly. You date for a while — months or even years. You say you are committed to each other, maybe even engaged, but the relationship does not progress beyond sharing each other’s lives — and beds — several times a week.

    Many people say this shows a commitment problem or immaturity on one or both people’s part. However, for the couple it may be just fine to have your own space and not want to be together full time. If you live within a reasonable driving distance, it may work well for both.

    The complication comes when one or both of you would have to make a big change to be together frequently. If you live far enough apart, multiple visits each week can become a hassle, no matter how wonderful your time together is. If your homes are too small to easily accommodate another person, or if the commute to each other’s place onerous, something will need to change to keep the relationship together. One or both of you will need to move.

    Some people try to stave off having to make decisions like this by purposefully avoiding dating people who are outside a reasonable commute difference. Unfortunately, their heart hasn’t heard of this love perimeter, so they may fall for someone regardless of their boundary.

    Yesterday, I had a conversation with an astute, conscious, self-aware, long-single friend who shared that the dramatic changes involved when one has found The One has kept him from pursuing serious relationships. While one could diss him as immature, selfish, or commitment phobic, I applaud his insight.

    I’ve examined this for myself, noting that I’ve not been in any serious relationships during my 2.5 years of dating, while other divorcées are often remarried in this time frame. If you have been dating for a while, is there a lingering concern that a major lifestyle change will have to happen when you meet The One? You’d have to modify things in your life that are working for you, whether it’s your ability to do whatever you want when you want or having to clean out closet space and drawers if he were to move into your place. Or you’d have to shoehorn your belongings into his place, or you’d move to a new place together. While some people find change exciting, others find major change wrought with concerns, like what if it doesn’t work out after you’ve made this big changes.

    Do you have any fears that go hand in hand with finding The One? If so, share them so others can learn from you.

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