“Don’t let what you’ve created get in the way of what you want to create.” —Jana Stanfield
My friend Jana Stanfield, the amazing musical artist, said this as we talked about our somewhat recent singlehood and what we could do with our lives now that we didn’t have a husband about whom to be concerned. We were sharing our travel lust and how responsibilities at home can keep you feeling that you can’t do what you’ve always wanted to do, like extended world travel. The world we’d created — including a home with a mortgage and other responsibilities — could get in the way of the life for which we’ve longed.
What does this have to do with dating? I think it relates because sometimes once we get a sweetie — something we’ve created — we don’t really know if this relationship is what we want. Yes, we’ve been in other — maybe a number — of long-term relationships. But the person you are right now hasn’t. Hopefully you’ve learned more about what makes relationships work as well as dissolve, and about yourself as you’ve moved through life’s journey. So you are a more savvy person entering a new relationship.
But since we’ve longed for someone in our life, we cling to the connection, even though once we’re into it, we may realize it isn’t what we really want. How much of this is fear, fickleness, and immaturity? Who’s to say? For discussion, let’s say these aren’t factors. We are present to the time and effort it took to find the guy and develop a bond to become sweeties. We’ve worked through some hiccups and are fond of him. But we realize that being with him will preclude us from having the life we want to create.
You owe it to both of you to discuss the disconnect. Maybe his career has required him to live in his industry’s hub and you’ve assumed that means he’ll never move. Or perhaps you’ve thought his nearby family would keep him anchored in this spot. You have dreams of living somewhere else. Once your goals are shared, you may learn that he’s been yearning for a change and he’d be delighted to step toward the life you want to create.
But maybe you will discover that you both have very different pictures of the future. So although you wanted to create a loving relationship with someone like him, you have to decide which dream is more important. If you have to choose, you must be very clear which is more critical to your happiness because if you make the decision to subjugate your other goals to stay with him, you very likely will resent him. And if you abandon him to move toward the life you want to create, you may become lonely and sad to leave him behind.
Have you created something in your life that is getting in the way of your creating the life you want? If so, share it with us and what you can do about it.
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