Rocket Man

I’ve become fond of a man online who blows things up for a living. Tiny things. Miniatures. For the movies. And he’s won an Oscar for his demolition efforts.

Isn’t this nearly every man’s childhood dream? To make a living destroying things? How fun!

He specializes in igniting things. He says he “paints with fire.” He’s set himself ablaze 51 times — on purpose! For films, of course. He even filled in for a flaming Arnold Schwarzenegger in one film. How am I supposed to light his fire when he’s torched himself 51 times?

While sometimes his charges are detonated inside the object, other times he launches a rocket to explode the target. So my pet name for him has become Rocket Man, which he likes.

If we hit it off, it will be good to know I can turn to him if I need anything around the house blown up. Instead of “Honey, could you spray that ant hill in the back?” it would be “Honey, could you blow up that ant hill in the back?” I wonder if he’s as good at building a relationship as he is at blowing up buildings.

That little golden statue may be nice to have around the house. I can see dressing him up for each month’s holidays — an Easter Bunny outfit, a Halloween costume, a Santa’s hat. Maybe we’d give him a Barbie harem. Would he fit in the Malibu Barbie car? I don’t think so.

Since his specialty is pyrotechnics, I’d expect fireworks with our first kiss. I wonder if he could arrange that without any building blowing up.

So far his personality seems to be far from explosive, however sparks fly via email and phone conversations. I wonder what makes a sweet, humble man like to blow things up. I’ll find out soon enough.

And get this — his favorite drink is a Bomb-bay martini!

Let’s hope he’s da bomb!

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