Dry spells

There are lulls in dating life when you have no active prospects. You’ve moved to the “friends” category anyone who’s contacted you in the past. No one interesting has appeared on the horizon.

For most daters, this is their most frequent experience, lingering, perhaps checking online sites for new arrivals. But either no one contacts us or returns our emails.

So we cool our jets, not giving up our desire to have someone special in our lives, but feeling we’ve done everything we’re willing to do for the time being. We know there are other activities in which we could engage if we were being aggressive in our search. But right now, singles dances and matchmakers feel like more work than we’d like.

We try to not drop into a defeatist mentality, succumbing to the oft-chanted mantra of others whose cynicism has taken over: “The good ones are all taken or gay,” “The only ones left in the dating pool are losers” (which, by definition, means we must be in that category since we’re still available).

If you find yourself in a lull, buck up. Enjoy your opportunity to be self-focused (or as much as you can if you have kids at home). You get to do whatever you want, without concerning yourself with anyone else’s feelings or desires. You get to eat in bed, wear your ratty night clothes, not shave your legs — if you want.

However, don’t let your self-absorbed habits become too engrained. Be mindful that you will want to repair your slovenliness once you have someone else in your life.

But for now, enjoy. Get to know yourself even better. Find out what you really like to do. See this time as a chance to spread your wings, unencumbered with concern for a partner.

What have you done during dry spells to keep your spirits up about finding a sweetie?


Want more info on what to expect once you dive into dating? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping


6 responses to “Dry spells”

  1. maria rose Avatar
    maria rose

    i don’t consider myself a loser EVER i tend to view the dry spells as their loss and it is not my fault

  2. Dating Goddess Avatar

    Maria Rose:

    Great attitude! You go gal/girl/woman (choose one)!

  3. Katie Avatar

    Taken up rock climbing. Gone on a road trip. Cleaned closets. Did some public speaking. Began a new hobby. Finished a quilt. Took piano lessons. Cooked dinners for friends whom I’d invite over. Went X-C skiing solo. Rearranged furniture. Put up birdfeeders. Volunteered. Took a class. Started a blog. Found a crazy job that I dearly loved. Hung out with girlfriends. Developed an exercise regimen. Busted out of the rut. Refused to take the blame.

  4. Kate Avatar

    Ditto Katie everything except rockclimbing, XC skiing solo and the birdfeeders. 🙂
    I also talk to myself as if I were my own best friend, and look in the mirror and tell myself that someone will be very happy to have me. You have to believe in the system (as in dating generally whether online or not) – it does work. I look around at the people who have met significant others and it makes me v happy because it’s what should happen and it sends good vibes into the world which benefit us all.
    This life is it – and not honouring our days with actively living it (with out without someone else) would be a damn shame.
    (BTW I have just returned from ANOTHER unsuccessful date – and it does get me down – but this morning is another day :-))

  5. Kimberly Avatar

    “All the good ones are taken or gay…” got to throw that one out, otherwise whats the point in even trying. My favorite is curling up with a thick book, disconnecting the phones and turning of the computer and allowing myself to read it from cover to cover in one go.

  6. Yvette Francino Avatar

    Thanks for the post, Dating Goddess. It can be depressing to be in a dry spell. Here are some of the things I do during those lulls….
    – Immerse myself in a new hobby
    – Go through major nesting… reorganizing/redecorating
    – Get a makeover
    – Volunteer
    – Reconnect with old friends
    – Learn something new (sometimes taking a class)

    I actually decided to write a post to this myself in response: http://singleagainonlinediary.blogspot.com/2010/10/6-things-to-keep-your-sprits-up-when.html