He’s pleasant and cordial. However, there are red flags that make you cautious. Some by themselves are deal breakers (he drinks too much), while others have the cumulative effect of “I’m going to pass on this guy.” For each woman the red flags she notices will be different. Here are some of mine:
- He talks too much. He doesn’t ask you a question, except perhaps a trite one like “Tell me about yourself.” Or, as a recent date kept asking, “So, how are you?” The same as I was 5 minutes ago, but getting more turned off each time you ask!
- He has poor manners. He interrupts frequently, orders first, eats non-finger-food with his hands in a nice restaurant, walks ahead of you, doesn’t open doors.
- He’s poorly dressed for the activity. He shows up in badly wrinkled shirts or slacks, rips in clothing, poorly kept, unpolished, or filthy shoes, ill-fitting clothes (too big, too small), hair disheveled or dirty, or shorts for a white-tablecloth dinner. While most guys are not clothes horses, they should at least be clean and neat.
- He has trouble keeping eye contact, seems distracted by nearly everything around him. If he’s having this much trouble staying focused, guess what? He’ll have trouble staying focused on you in the relationship. Inattention plays out in other ways in a relationship, but I’ve seen the signs from the beginning with inability to stay focused in the conversation.
- He’s condescending to service staff. He is snotty to the waiter, snaps at the clerk, is arrogant with the ticket taker or valet. He doesn’t have to act like they are his best friends, but needs to be pleasant and cordial to everyone he interacts with.
- He seems paranoid and negative. He goes off on how all corporations are colluding to screw consumers, the government reads everyone’s email and listens to every phone call, etc. He makes broad negative generalizations about people, women, government, etc. He gets irritated at life’s common mishaps of traffic, lines, rude behavior, high prices. Life is too short to be listening to someone’s frequent rants.
- He gets sexual way too early. He tries to French kiss within minutes of meeting you, has his hand on your thigh, talks about how he wants to make love to you in various locations/positions, rubs his body inappropriately on yours, gropes you, at the end of the date he suggests he come home with you or you with him.
- He complains about the women from past relationships. Or focuses on bad-date stories. He’s got an ax to grind and issues with women. You don’t want to be the one to try to get him to see there are lots of good women out there.
The bottom line is to be aware of the times you feel disappointed with his self-focus, inattention to you, disrespect, or boorish behavior. You can’t build a relationship on a foundation of disappointment. You may think other attributes will make up for these disappointments, but while many of them are changeable, do you really want a fix-up-project man?
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One response to “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you”
[…] In “First-date red flags that this guy isn’t for you” I talked about what men do that tell you he should be released back into the dating pool. But I’ve been curious what women do that make a man say, “She’s not for me.” Of course, everyone has their individual deal breakers, so I interviewed a few single guy pals to see if there were some common behaviors that drove them batty. Here’s what I gleaned. […]